Probably everyone's favorite subject...but here we go....

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I had this argument with a friend and its been bothering me.

 

I believe we choose our sexuality- its my personal belief that we are entitled to choose to do whatever we want as long as it doesn't affect society, be it profession, personal views or sexuality. My friend got quite angry at this saying it was stupid because "why would anyone choose to be gay- why would you want all the pain and abuse that you have to put up with?"

 

Now this confused me at first- but then I started think thats a terrible way to think.. I mean, my friend is basically saying that he feels like he's been cursed with this horrible lifestyle that he can do nothing about, but he'd rather be straight.

 

When I think about it, people do things which go against consensus all the time. For example (and not in anyway comparing this to being gay) people commit murder- which obviously carries great penalties and consequences. But can we say they had no choice- that they were born that way? People wear clothes which shock and set them apart from society- make life, in a way, more difficult for them in terms of fitting in. But they do it anyway- is it genetic? I find that hard to believe.

 

I think you do what you want- as long as it doesn't affect anyone's ability to live their lives, and as long as you're being true to yourself then thats ok.

 

Are there other people who think this way?

[LostInMyThoughts]

I would think twice before comparing choosing ones sexual preferences to choosing ones style of clothing.

 

Being a style and identy has a lot more to do with social upbringings.

 

I think your gay friend was right with his point. Its not that he wants to be straight, but being gay, he knows how hard it is to be gay. Knowing that, why would anyone would chose such a hard path.

 

I know I don't chose to like women, I just do. I'm not attracted to men, they don't turn me on sexually, and I have no desire to be with one. It's not a choice, its just how it is.

 

How about you? Do you choose to like women? Based on your theory, your just as gay as your are straight.

[Max Jax]

I like what lostinmythoughts said there.. People assume its either a choice or compare it to something small...

 

It effects your life deeply in every part and something you have no control over.. Well hard not to wish sometimes you dont have to deal with all the crap that comes with it..

[LiquidCherry]

I do not believe that people can choose their sexuality. To a certain extent I do believe that even those who considered themselves gay are attracted on at least some small level to members of the opposite sex simply because it is an instinct but I don't think they choose to be gay. (It's hard to explain exactly what I mean but I don't mean that I think all gay people are really bi.)

 

I'm sure some people can argue the whole nature vs. nuture dispute but I think it's been proven to be a genetic trait.

[spaggle]

Dude no one can choose who they are attracted to. Looking at both sides of the arguments, the only way i can see urs making sense is by saying that people do not choose to be gay, however they could choose to suffer if they wanted by pretending to be someone their not and following a straight life. I'm Bi, I wish I wasnt, itd make things so much easier between me and my friends. I hate the fact I cant control who i fall in love with, what youre saying is like deciding who you like. for example waking up one morning going to a public place looking at someone and saying right im going to make myself love him/her, if theres no attraction there emotionally or physically its not going to happen, you are who you are and in my opinion and im sure many others opinions Youn CANT change who you are by deciding your sexuality

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I agree you are attracted to whom you are attracted to- but I simply mean that you choose to live a gay life and you should be proud of that choice rather than seeing it as something that can't be helped- which is the impression I got from my friend.

[novaseeker]

I think you're grappling with the difference between attrraction and action.

 

Our actions are always voluntary. Someone who is same-sex attracted can choose to be celibate, for example .. they can choose to be alone. They can also choose to try to have opposite sex relationships (although these often don't work out very well ...), but it's clear that we are free to choose how we act.

 

Attraction is different. It does just happen. I don't think we can choose to whom we are attracted ... it just is baked into us by the time we start to develop emotional and sexual attractions to others around the time of puberty. I don't think there's much evidence that it's genetically coded,l but I don't think that's important ... I do think it's pretty much determined by nature and nurture in combination by the time it becomes "relevant" around puberty, so the debate about nature and nurture seems to be very much a red herring to me.

[Prufrock06]

happytown,

 

Interesting question, and one that I've thought about on and off for some time.

 

My two cents on the matter is that my homosexuality isn't my choice, its a biological/psychological aspect of myself that was instilled in me at birth. Though there are some people who use the "it's not a choice" argument because they would rather be straight, I don't feel that by asserting the idea of sexuality as a given and not a choice automatically suggests that someone would rather be what they are not. For example, when I say that my homosexuality isn't a choice, I'm saying it as a way of demonstrating that my sexual and emotional feelings for other guys isn't something I've chosen, something I can just turn on and off like a switch, and not because I'm using that as an excuse to explain why I'm not straight. I used to think this way, but in reality, I don't really feel this intense pressure to be straight.

 

The idea of choice seems to me to suggest the idea of sexuality as a lifestyle, in the same way that wife-swapping or S&M is a lifestyle. And I think there is a big difference between someone's sexual orientation and and a "style" of living. I also feel that if homosexuality were a choice, there wouldn't be so many people being anxious/stressed/depressed/suicidal/angry because they are gay and are afraid to come out of the closet. Would this be the case for someone who was merely making a "choice" instead of coming to terms with an unalterable fact of their existence?

 

Food for thought. Eat hearty.

[RayKay]

Being gay is not a "lifestyle choice". Being gay is about whom you are attracted to, not just sexually but romantically and intimately. You dont' "choose" to live the gay lifestyle. The fact is you ARE gay. Sure you can choose to hide it or be celibate, but I think this is more out of "fear" then choosing not to live that way. You are still gay. I know some whom TRIED to "be straight", to convince themselves they were but it did not work out well....they did not have a choice to do so.

 

Yes if you are gay you are more likely to associate with the gay community, but this is no different then someone straight associating with the straight community, or artists hanging out with artists, athletes with athletes. You have something in common, you feel accepted, and find a "family" of sorts.

 

I think your friend is right in that someone would probably NOT choose that life. It's more socially accepted now, but there is still a lot of violence, hate, and so forth directed at those whom are gay. Just last week a guy walked into a gay bar and attacked some of the patrons after asking "is this a gay bar?". My brother was attacked when he was younger by a group of men as he is gay. Even just the general jokes you hear about being gay. Gay men for example are "feminized" (and the fact that being female is also demeaning apparently is another factor altogether!) and gay woman are often over-sexualized (marketed even to straight men so much, it even seems there is a belief every woman is a latent lesbian).

 

It's not a horrible way to live, not all the time. But in some societies it sure is. At some points in time it still is. Not long ago in our social history it was reprehensible. And I think a gay individual has a very hard time coming to terms with whom they are as they are growing up. And I am not talking of people whom say "I am bisexual" as they think it sounds "hot" but of people truly grappling with whom they are and coming to terms with a "statement" of sorts of whom they are and facing the fact that their sexuality will become their "identity" in an almost unfair way. If a guy is straight for example, people do not walk around saying "Hey, that's Bob - he's straight". Now if Bob was gay, people have a tendency to say "Hey, that's Bob - he's gay you know". I have had friends, and a brother, go through this and it is certainly not something that someone whom really had a "choice" would be doing.

 

I did not "choose" to be straight, and my friends/brother did not "choose" to be gay. It is the way they are. My brother has ALWAYS been gay. It was not something he decided one day. It was just something he finally ACCEPTED one day. And once he accepted it he was more comfortable with it, and expressing himself and being in the gay community, but it was not a "choice". Unless by choice you mean "realizing whom you are and deciding you are okay with whom you are". That's not a choice, that is something EVERYONE should go through.

[FoxLocke]

Believe me, if changing your sexuality was as easy as changing outfits I would have done it ALONG time ago. Believe me, I have tried being straight and it has never worked. I tried: prayer, denial, repression, and Ex-Gay conversion therapy. I even tried kissing girls. None of it worked.

 

I think homosexuality, in and of itself, is not a choice. The only choice that we make is acting on our sexual feelings. While some people become monks and priests to avoid being "gay" altogether I have no desire to do that whatsoever.

 

Being gay is definitely not a choice. That would be like choosing to be Japanese in America after Pearl Harbor. Or choosing to be African American during the 1800's. There is no choice involved with your sexuality.

[mgirl]

The only thing we "choose" to do is to be honest with our sexuality. I do not think you can choose your sexuality... that would be like saying we choose our eye colour, or our physique. Impossible!

[quantumchaos]

There's absolutely no evidence to suggest that people choose their own sexuality. Infact, the APA has said that it is not a choice. I never chose to be straight. I never woke up one day and thought "Hmm, I think I'll like girls." People can choose whether or not to act on those urges, but they can't choose to have those urges or not. Sometimes I have the urge to have sex with the girl who sits beside me in History. Do I? No. Chances are she wouldn't want to, and the risks outweigh the rewards, so I don't. In the same way, gay people can choose to ACT straight, but they can't chose to BE straight.