I'm Going Insane With Jealousy

[Starling2003]

My jealousy is killing my relationship. I no longer know what to ask for in forums, I never seem to be able to get over my issues. I have been dating my bf for a little over two years now. I wasn't jealous at first, and then the jealousy began to take over. I am 21 and he is 26.

 

My bf changed his career about a year ago to become a personal fitness trainer. His job gives me much stress. I feel like he will be finding the women he trains attractive (he admits that he does find some of them attractive) and that he oogles them the whole time that he trains them. I have low self esteem and I feel that because I am overweight that my bf cannot surely be happy with how I look. Growing up I was abused by my Dad, but do not know why I am jealous for. My Dad and Mom both always had something bad to say about how I looked.

 

I can't bare my bf to look at other women, to think that they are attractive. If he mentions that he trains someone and he finds her attractive...my mind kills me. All I can think about is how much he must be enjoying his time with her. This is driving a wedge in our relationship and I don't know how much more I or him can take. I want to go to counseling but I can't afford it. What do I do?

[LostInMyThoughts]

Firstly, it seems like you realize its not really your boyfriends problem. Your self esteem issues are really what is on point.

 

A little jealousy is natural and normal. But if its to the point that you want your bf to change jobs/careers, I'd say its gotten out of hand.

 

Second, just because your bf is in a relationship, doesn't mean he can't be attracted to other people. He's human. Attraction to other people is normal. At some point (even if you aren't now) you will be attracted to someone who is not your Sig. Other.

 

Finally, one thing to never ever say that you can't afford something. Saying that has basically shut down your mind, and halted the creative process. Have you tried to go to counseling? Many counselors offer sliding scales based on economic status. Mine charges anywhere from $40-90 an hour, and going bi-monthly, that ends up being $80 a month. It's a lot, but its certainly doable.

 

Additionaly, many county and city governments offer counseling at reduced rates, even for free. Have you checked with your local Health Department?

 

What about health insurance? Does your employer have an Employee Assistence Program?

 

I know its hard right now, but I bet if you get help with your insecurities and self esteem issues, you'll end up a more happier, stronger person, in all your relationships.

 

Good luck!

[ShySoul]

I think the issue goes deeper then jealousy or your boyfriend looking at other girls. You said that your parents were both critical and your father abusive. From this you learned that people who are suppose to love and care about you, will be cruel to you. So you expect to be hurt in relationships. You think that your boyfriend will hurt you by attempting something with one of these girls. Even if you know in your heart he wouldn't, you can't help but think that because all of your experiences have taught you that loved ones just end up hurting you.

 

Your experiences have also probably caused you to be hard on yourself. Your parents didn't really love you, and your weight gives you more reason to wonder why someone would love you. Low self esteem. So you convince yourself that he doesn't find you attractive and that these other girls with so called "perfect" bodies, will be more attractive and catch his eye. And honestly, he will notice. But he loves you, not for how you look but for who you are. He does find you physically attractive, didn't mean to insinuate otherwise. But what is more important to him is the person you are on the inside. These other women, no matter how gorgeous on the outside, aren't you, aren't the person he is in love with.

 

If you think you need to talk to someone, there are affordable options. You just have to do some searching around for them. Money shouldn't be an excuse though. If you think you need help, get it before the problem gets worse.

[Tigris]

Why don't you get your boyfriend to train you?

 

The result would be that you would feel better about yourself and look good. You'd get to spend a lot more time with him which would make you feel more secure in your relationship and you'd have a better idea of what exactly he is doing in the gym.

 

Don't forget we are all allowed to look but that doesn't mean we are touching!

 

I hope you solve your problem soon before you break up the relationship with your insecurities.

 

Good luck and take care.

[ShySoul]

Creative and ingenious idea from Tigris. Wish I would have thought of that.

 

Hope you are doing well Starling.

[ginger25]

I think that the other posters are right and you need to get over your issues to get over the jealousy, but I know that this is easier said than done. The reason why you aren't getting the answers you seek here is because the issues are so complex that they really need to be dealt with by a professional counsellor. You seem to be very aware of the deep seated reasons which make you react in this way, so that is the first step, but jealousy can completely eat you up.

 

Definitely the main thing is to focus on building your own self esteem. I don't know whether you do any of these things, Im just guessing, but try not to think so much about your boyfriend and what he is doing, do things that make YOU feel good, and things that you are good at. Don't look to your boyfriend to make you feel good about yourself. You probably feel that you wouldn't be able to cope without him, but if you continue with the jealousy you could well drive him away.

[escape_velocity]

If he mentions that he trains someone and he finds her attractive...my mind kills me.

 

 

Have you told him how this makes you feel? If you have and he stills feels inclined to blahh blahh blahh about the women at work.

This is totally disrespectful. Sure we as human beings will always find other people attractive....So, it a given. There is no need for him to constantly tell you this. Especially if he knows you are insecure. He needs to stop it

 

Lets just say your husband works in the morge.....

And you are squimish about the gory details. Do you think it would be too much to ask, to hear about how hubby's day at work went without the gory details?

[Mrocza]

Why don't you get your boyfriend to train you?

 

The result would be that you would feel better about yourself and look good. You'd get to spend a lot more time with him which would make you feel more secure in your relationship and you'd have a better idea of what exactly he is doing in the gym.

 

Don't forget we are all allowed to look but that doesn't mean we are touching!

 

I hope you solve your problem soon before you break up the relationship with your insecurities.

 

Good luck and take care.

 

That's what I was going to suggest. Exercise releases endorphins- happy hyper horomones. They naturally lift your mood, and over all well-being. You'll feel better, you'll be happier, you'll spend time with your boyfriend and realize training isn't about oggling women, it's about hardwork and assessing bodies to figure out the end result.

 

As for your other problems, have you thought of seeing therapist? Talking about it helps and there are even some therapies (cognitive behaviour- which I'm in) that help you alter your mindset and boost your self esteem.