They broke-up.... now WHAT do I do?!?

[RayKay]

She does this because she is manipulative and crazy!

 

She has absolutely NO right to tell you what to do or not do, or call any girls you are interested in and trash talk. I don't know why you are so scared to stand up for yourself, because honestly losing her could be the best thing you could do. All this way you are doing now is doing is keeping you trapped in this vicious cycle.

 

She does not want you, but she does want that feeling of knowing she has such an effect on you. It's really sad to see you let someone else basically be controlling how you live your life right now.

[loveisallyouneed]

Okay...

So I admit I haven't yet taken any of the advice given to me here, but rest assured it is all in the back of my mind and is not wasted advice. But, for whoever is still interested, here is what's been going on for the past week since I lasted posted...

 

So I've been pretty much seeing her every day after school. Weekends I almost don't see her at all. She'll either be busy working, going out with her family or doing something with her friends. I've said something to her about how she makes time for everyone/everything else, except to hang out with me. And when I tell her that, she'll get mad and say that she's been seeing me everyday during the week (which is true). But it's weird, because it's not like she makes a point of seeing me/hanging out with me during the week. This time that we hang out is about 2-3 hours a day, between the time she's done school and the time she has to work or go pick up her mother. And that's another thing to. She trashed-talked me so much to her parents when we broke up that now she hasn't been able to tell them that she's seeing me again yet. Which sucks, cause she always has to lie to them about where she is/who with, etc. Not to mention that we only get to hang out until they get home.

 

But it's not even that that bothers me the most. What bothers me is the feeling that although she does see me fairly often (2-3 hours a day during the week), I just have this weird feeling that she doesn't hang out with me for the sake of seeing me/spending time with me. There's always something in it for her. Like we'll go out to eat and I'll pay (sometimes I've already eaten before, so I'll pay just for her). Other times we go to the mall cause she wants to see something. I mean, I don't mind doing these things, and even paying for lunch (she pays sometimes too, but the ratio is like 1:4, so she pays once I pay the next 4 times, etc). Like I said, I dont mind paying and making myself available to go places, etc, but I often feel like whenever she's gotten what she wanted (ie, dinner) she'll be like "okay, I have to be home soon". It's just this creepy feeling that she just hangs out with me when she can get something in return.

 

And it's not only that... it's how as soon as she gets into my car she is always either tired or grumpy. I can understand if she's tired, and I'll even put up with her just laying there sleeping on the passenger as I drive to wherever we are supposed to go. But it's a bunch of little things when I'm driving with her... how she barely makes eye contact with me... how she always looks like something is wrong, but when I ask her she says there's nothing wrong... how she always looks like she's doing me a favour for being there with me... how she never wants to know how I'm doing, etc... how she has no hesitation in talking to me about her ex and the "things" they did...

 

Like I said, i've mentioned to her about how it always feels like she's only with me when she has something to get. But then she'll get mad and start telling me how she sees me everyday, and how I haven't changed at all, that I'm still controlling her, wanting to spend every second with her. And that's not true at all. I just wish she'd wanna spend time with me that didn't involve something "in it" for her other than merely my presense. Does that make sense?

 

I don't know... sometimes I think she is right. Maybe I should just be greatful for her friendship and the time she's spending with me. Two months ago I could never see her even talking to me ever again, let alone being my friend. But every time I'm with her I just get so hopeful for something more...

She knows I want more... but she keeps saying she's not ready for a relationship, and that the possibility of us being together is a "maybe" in the somewhat near future.

[solo34]

Homeboy....Please listen 2 me. I am speaking 2 U as a fellow MAN that lost the woman that he so deeply loves. I see similar characteristics between the 2 of us. However, I was NOT controlling of my ex. Instead, I was depressed, down, sad, etc. but I also did EVERYTHING that I could 4 her. I cooked, jumped when she told me 2, etc. Not because my ex was a bad woman and taking advantage of me, it was because I love her so very much. The way that U love your ex.

 

OK, she left me in Oct. and I found out she has a new man. During this time, I have reflected upon what I did, actually what I didn't do as well. Like I said, I was depressed, etc. and I became a burden upon my ex's mental and emotional state as well. I myself wasn't being a MAN. All women want a MAN. What I mean by this, is that they want 2 know that there man is stronger than they are. Not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

 

U see, it's MY belief that your ex wants 2 see U be a MAN. DO NOT be there 4her at every moment. SHOW your independence. She was gone 8 months, and as soon as she's back, U are right back doing whatever she asks of U. That is showing that SHE is stronger than U. It's a harsh reality my friend, but it IS the truth of the situation. I now KNOW what I messed up on, and I would love 2 get a 2nd chance at showing my ex that I am now back 2 the man that she fell in love with. That I am emotionally and mentally able 2 be the MAN that she fell in love with from the start.

 

Homie, U MUST do NO CONTACT, show her that she ISN'T the only woman out there. DO NOT respond 2 her 4 awhile. U went 8 months? Go 2-3 weeks without any contact. DO NOT worry about her moving on from U, if she does, then it's HER FUC*ING LOSS!!!!! It's NOT yours!! Make her do all the work and put in the effort. Don't 4get, she still needs 2 get over this other guy, 2. 2-3 weeks will give her time 2 weigh U and this other guy out. With the recent effort U have shown her, she really as far as I can see, has NO reason 2 not know that you're the better man 4 her. Just let her be 4 3 weeks, and let her figure out where her head is at. This is on HER, not U. Leave it be. I DON'T want 2 hear that U told her this, JUST DO IT. She does NOT need 2 know that you're instilling the NO CONTACT. That's the point of it. Let her reflect on her actions and the way she is treating U. Case closed 4 now.

 

Good luck, man.

 

-Solo34

[loveisallyouneed]

](*,)

 

I feel ashamed and very embarrassed as I tell you this...

 

In the past couple of days a few things have happened which led to a very ugly conclusion today. Please bear with me as I share this painful series of events, and slowly realize how stupid I've been.

 

So a few days ago she tells me she is going to this party on Saturday. She asks me to buy her and her friends alcohol. Trying to show I've changed and wouldn't be controlling anymore, I agreed to, but only as she guaranteed me it would be a "girls-only" party. I explained to her that It had nothing to do with me being controlling, but that if she wanted to go get drunk at a party where guys would be there waiting to take advantage of her, she could go find someone else to buy her her alcohol. She guaranteed me there would be no guys going, and that the girl throwing the party decided to do a "girls-night" thing instead. I believed her, trying to rescue in me any ability left to trust her.

 

But there's more..... (please bear in mind my total feeling of defeat and hopelessness as I tell you this). I bought her a Valentine's day gift. I know. I know. Shouldn't have. Again, I just felt like it could mean something to her. She promptly accepted the gift and liked it, but when we went to the mall the next day she saw a top that she liked better at another store, so I agreed to exchange it for the new one. She thanked me, and said she would wear it to the party. The top was pretty low-cut and revealing, and again I told her I didn't mind if she wore it to the party, but asked her to have the decency and honesty towards me, so that if she knew in fact that there would be guys there, that she please pay for it herself as I did not want to be thinking that not only did I buy her the alcohol that got her drunk and stupid, I was also buying her the low-cut top that she would be wearing to attract other guys at some party. Once again she guaranteed me. Once again I trusted her.

 

And so it happened, just like I set myself up for it through my own stupidity. She went to the party on Saturday with the alcohol and low-cut top I bought her, and as I would later find out, there were lots of guys there.

 

The next day, Sunday (today), we were supposed to go to this exposition, me, my friend, her and her friend (the one throwing the party). So she slept over at her friend's house, and I picked them up the next day. And so it started... I asked how the party went, if they had fun, etc... and then she starts telling me how they got hammered and played strip-poker. She started getting REALLY vulgar in her descriptions, and I just sat there listening... pretending I was okay with everything. Still, no mention of guys. I didn't ask either. We went to the exposition, which turned out being sold-out. I suggested we could go do something else since we had already driven for an hour, but her and her friend didn't seem interested. So I drove back home. On our way I remembered she had her digital camera with her at the party, so I nonchalantly asked her if I could see the pictures they took. She told me no that I couldn't see them because I would get mad at her. I assured her I wouldn't, as she was free to do whatever she wanted. She said no, and that she'd show them to me later. I didn't say anything.

 

So later tonight, she signs on to msn, telling everyone she has updated her msnspace with the pictures. I try to log on to see it and I get "Access Denied". She blocked me off so I couldn't see them. But that's okay, you see, because she went on to put some of them as her display pictures. In one of them she is stripping with her girl friends, in another one she is kissing a guy on the cheek (which just happens to be one of her ex's from before me), in another one she is hugging another guy... so on...

 

The point is... she lied to me. I looked her straight in the eye before that party and told her that if she was lying to me about the whole thing, I'd never talk to her again. Not because I didn't want her to go to the party, etc... but for the mere principle that it is just PLAIN WRONG for her to make a fool out of me like that, having me buy her all this sh*t so she can go mess around with other guys!!! Am I wrong in feeling this way???

 

I feel SO HURT right now. I tried my best. I tried everything I could to show her that I've changed, and yet... how can I even begin to show her that I've changed if she won't even be honest with me about things.

 

I feel I've reached the end of the line with her. I've done everything I could think of to show her how much I care about her, and how I would always be there for her and never hurt her. How I would love her forever and be the best boyfriend she could ever ask for. But I feel like there's nothing more I can do. Which is why I come here to you, finally open and willing to take the advice you have to give me...

 

Despite all this sh*t she has put me through, yes, I still want to be with her. But I don't know how I'm ever gonna be with her doing things my way. I've used up all the romance and ideas I had that could woo her, that could make her want to give me a chance. I come to you now, first to apologize for being so hard headed from the beginning, and to tell you that I'm ready to do what you think I should do as a LAST RESORT to bring her back.

 

 

[solo34]

NOTHING AT ALL IS GOING 2 BRING HER BACK....WE'VE TOLD U THIS FROM THE BEGINNING. She has MAD ISSUES that U cannot help. You're a good guy, she's NOT deserving of U. U have 2 understand that SHE DOES NOT care about U. She has only used U. How much are U willing 2 bet that she said "Yeah girls, I'll have sucker boy buy us the alcohol so that we can get toe-up stupid with all the "hotties" 2night..." Trust me, her friends know her intentions with U, and they KNOW EVERYTHING you've said and done 4 her, as well. You're only making yourself out 2 be a weak excuse 4 a man. THAT'S THE TRUTH. Show this trick-a*s bi*ch that U don't need her.

 

U are way more deserving of a woman that's going 2 love U, man. Not use U and manipulate U. U dig???? I hope U do now...U can NEVER make someone love U, and that's the hard truth. I'm not going 2 apologize 4 being "harsh" because it's what U need 2 hear. Why do I feel that you're going 2 fall sucker 4 her again? Why do I??

 

-Solo34

[loveisallyouneed]

I wasn't trying to make her love me... I was trying to get a 2nd chance to make it work. That's all.

For 8 months I felt like I had lost something... like I had screwed up something that could have been really good, and I felt like I would have to live with that pain/regret for the rest of my life. But tonight marking exactly 3 weeks since I started talking to her again... I think of ALL the things I've done for her and to try and prove to her that I've changed, and I think... it really is no longer my loss anymore. Now it's her who is passing up the opportunity for something good. I've done all within my power other than NC. I'm almost certain now, that if she passes this up... it's her who will be regretting one day.

[Big Jim]

So are you going to start NC with her??

[solo34]

Yes, she will be the one regretting this...it's HER that's going 2 have 2 live with this, not U. It's on HER...Speaking of changing, U might have changed 4 the better, however during the time of U changing 4 the best...she's changed 4 the worse. There's NOTHING U can do about her choices and decisions. DO NOT beat yourself up over this, alright man? You really did all that U could AND more. Now it's time 2 4get her...time 2 truly let her go. It hurts 2 let go of the one that U really love, but homie, she DON'T love U...not at all.

 

-Solo34

[loveisallyouneed]

I know she doesn't love me... but then again, I don't think she's capable of loving anyone other than herself. And in fact, judging from some of the things she has done ever since we broke up... I don't even think she loves herself all that much. If she had any respect for herself and her body, she wouldn't be acting like the wh*re that she's been acting like.

I'm trying hard to believe that I deserve better. But too often that sounds like a self-serving lie we tell ourselves. If I really am that weak excuse for a man... do I actually deserve any better?

 

I've always tried my best to be a really good and nice guy. But this girl has taught me there's no room for good guys. I'll never know now, but maybe had I treated her like the sh*t she deserves to be treated as, things would have turned out differently... I'm sorry, I'm just so full of rage and hurt right now...

[loveisallyouneed]

I really don't know how to proceed. I don't wanna implement full-out NC. Even because I promised her I'd be her "friend", "always there" for her "no matter what". She can be a liar and a jerk all she wants, but I don't wanna give her the opportunity to call me a liar and jerk for breaking my promise.

 

Tonight, after she posted all those pictures on her display, she said hi to me on msn. I ignored her, and two hours later she said hi again. I didn't know how to react, so I said hi back, and pretended everything was okay. However, I wasn't as talkative as usual, and just giving her one-word answers. She told me she posted the pictures from the party on her snapfish account. I go there and there's 19 pictures, none of which had any guys of course. Which makes me wonder... does she really think I'm THAT stupid? Well, maybe I am If I'm still hanging on to her...

...but alright, I acted like I believed those were the only pictures. She said she had fun, and I said "that's good". I guess she got annoyed that I wasn't asking her about the other pictures, or getting mad at her for lying to me, so she said "BYE!" just like that, and left.

 

She usually calls me everynight when she's in bed, and we will talk until she falls asleep with her phone on. But she didn't call me tonight. So I called her. Once. No answer. So I txt msged her... "No call tonight? Okay then..." again, very nonchalantly. And I haven't heard from her since.

 

Now I'm thinking I should approach her and tell her I'm very disappointed that she lied to me like she did even though I asked her looking straight into her eyes, and she PROMISED me she wasn't gonna lie to me. I'm gonna tell her I don't know what else to do to win her back, and that I can't let her go on treating me this way as she doesn't have the minimum respect for me, let alone care. At that point I will ask for my $55 for the alcohol I bought her, and will stop contacting her. I will tell her there's nothing else I want more than to be with her again, but that I've done all I could think of and it's not working so I feel like I'm wasting time, MONEY and self-esteem. If she wants to talk to me, I'm open to talk, but I'm not gonna be waiting on her hand and foot like I have for the past 3 weeks. I'll make it clear I'm only gonna see her again if she can at least start respecting me as a "friend" if nothing else.

 

So...does this work?

[solo34]

Hey man...there is NO pain like the pain the opposite sex can bring U, especially when U love them so dearly. However, just because this one didn't value U and how much of a good guy that U are....does NOT mean that U should take it out on the next one U meet. U wasted many months on absolute garbage, when U could've been spending your time finding or even letting a good one find YOU. My short point is this: U have learned a lesson from a girl that was a lemon...now it's time 2 make lemonade. 4get this trick, there's many quality WOMEN out there. She's just a little girl.

 

-Solo34

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi loveisallyouneed,

 

I agree with Solo and I agree with parts of your post.

 

Go into full NC. Do it for your own sake. Block her from every kind of communication device you have including your mind. Do not take any more of this sh!t.

 

Forget about the money. Forget about her lies. Forget about her. She is not worth your time. Like Solo says, there are plenty of women out there that are worth your time. It's hard to forget, I know, but she is going to drive you crazy if YOU let her. It seems as if in a sick way she is enjoying playing the game with you. Get out as quickly as you can.

 

bcuzitwasfun

[solo34]

Hey man...I write lyrics, so let me write U an "encouragement song."

 

Man, U hit rock bottom, there's nothing more 2 hit

4get about this trick, U don't need her bullsh*t

loveisallUneed, that's a true statement

she doesn't feel the same, it's a shame, but it's time 4 a replacement

you're a good guy, but she can't see it with her eyes

maybe in time she'll come around and realize

but as 4 now, trust me bro, it's time 4 the goodbyes

U can always cherish the memories and more, that's a fact

but pick yourself up off the floor, time 2 get yourself on track

2day's a new day, time 2 4get with no regrets, it's HER loss...I promise U that

 

Not my best, but just off the top of my head, man.

 

Hope this lifts your spirit a little...

 

Your friend,

 

-Solo34