loveisallyouneed

I really don't know how to proceed. I don't wanna implement full-out NC. Even because I promised her I'd be her "friend", "always there" for her "no matter what". She can be a liar and a jerk all she wants, but I don't wanna give her the opportunity to call me a liar and jerk for breaking my promise. Tonight, after she posted all those pictures on her display, she said hi to me on msn. I ignored her, and two hours later she said hi again. I didn't know how to react, so I said hi back, and pretended everything was okay. However, I wasn't as talkative as usual, and just giving her one-word answers. She told me she posted the pictures from the party on her snapfish account. I go there and there's 19 pictures, none of which had any guys of course. Which makes me wonder... does she really think I'm THAT stupid? Well, maybe I am If I'm still hanging on to her... ...but alright, I acted like I believed those were the only pictures. She said she had fun, and I said "that's good". I guess she got annoyed that I wasn't asking her about the other pictures, or getting mad at her for lying to me, so she said "BYE!" just like that, and left. She usually calls me everynight when she's in bed, and we will talk until she falls asleep with her phone on. But she didn't call me tonight. So I called her. Once. No answer. So I txt msged her... "No call tonight? Okay then..." again, very nonchalantly. And I haven't heard from her since. Now I'm thinking I should approach her and tell her I'm very disappointed that she lied to me like she did even though I asked her looking straight into her eyes, and she PROMISED me she wasn't gonna lie to me. I'm gonna tell her I don't know what else to do to win her back, and that I can't let her go on treating me this way as she doesn't have the minimum respect for me, let alone care. At that point I will ask for my $55 for the alcohol I bought her, and will stop contacting her. I will tell her there's nothing else I want more than to be with her again, but that I've done all I could think of and it's not working so I feel like I'm wasting time, MONEY and self-esteem. If she wants to talk to me, I'm open to talk, but I'm not gonna be waiting on her hand and foot like I have for the past 3 weeks. I'll make it clear I'm only gonna see her again if she can at least start respecting me as a "friend" if nothing else. So...does this work?

I know she doesn't love me... but then again, I don't think she's capable of loving anyone other than herself. And in fact, judging from some of the things she has done ever since we broke up... I don't even think she loves herself all that much. If she had any respect for herself and her body, she wouldn't be acting like the wh*re that she's been acting like. I'm trying hard to believe that I deserve better. But too often that sounds like a self-serving lie we tell ourselves. If I really am that weak excuse for a man... do I actually deserve any better? I've always tried my best to be a really good and nice guy. But this girl has taught me there's no room for good guys. I'll never know now, but maybe had I treated her like the sh*t she deserves to be treated as, things would have turned out differently... I'm sorry, I'm just so full of rage and hurt right now...

I wasn't trying to make her love me... I was trying to get a 2nd chance to make it work. That's all. For 8 months I felt like I had lost something... like I had screwed up something that could have been really good, and I felt like I would have to live with that pain/regret for the rest of my life. But tonight marking exactly 3 weeks since I started talking to her again... I think of ALL the things I've done for her and to try and prove to her that I've changed, and I think... it really is no longer my loss anymore. Now it's her who is passing up the opportunity for something good. I've done all within my power other than NC. I'm almost certain now, that if she passes this up... it's her who will be regretting one day.

](*,) I feel ashamed and very embarrassed as I tell you this... In the past couple of days a few things have happened which led to a very ugly conclusion today. Please bear with me as I share this painful series of events, and slowly realize how stupid I've been. So a few days ago she tells me she is going to this party on Saturday. She asks me to buy her and her friends alcohol. Trying to show I've changed and wouldn't be controlling anymore, I agreed to, but only as she guaranteed me it would be a "girls-only" party. I explained to her that It had nothing to do with me being controlling, but that if she wanted to go get drunk at a party where guys would be there waiting to take advantage of her, she could go find someone else to buy her her alcohol. She guaranteed me there would be no guys going, and that the girl throwing the party decided to do a "girls-night" thing instead. I believed her, trying to rescue in me any ability left to trust her. But there's more..... (please bear in mind my total feeling of defeat and hopelessness as I tell you this). I bought her a Valentine's day gift. I know. I know. Shouldn't have. Again, I just felt like it could mean something to her. She promptly accepted the gift and liked it, but when we went to the mall the next day she saw a top that she liked better at another store, so I agreed to exchange it for the new one. She thanked me, and said she would wear it to the party. The top was pretty low-cut and revealing, and again I told her I didn't mind if she wore it to the party, but asked her to have the decency and honesty towards me, so that if she knew in fact that there would be guys there, that she please pay for it herself as I did not want to be thinking that not only did I buy her the alcohol that got her drunk and stupid, I was also buying her the low-cut top that she would be wearing to attract other guys at some party. Once again she guaranteed me. Once again I trusted her. And so it happened, just like I set myself up for it through my own stupidity. She went to the party on Saturday with the alcohol and low-cut top I bought her, and as I would later find out, there were lots of guys there. The next day, Sunday (today), we were supposed to go to this exposition, me, my friend, her and her friend (the one throwing the party). So she slept over at her friend's house, and I picked them up the next day. And so it started... I asked how the party went, if they had fun, etc... and then she starts telling me how they got hammered and played strip-poker. She started getting REALLY vulgar in her descriptions, and I just sat there listening... pretending I was okay with everything. Still, no mention of guys. I didn't ask either. We went to the exposition, which turned out being sold-out. I suggested we could go do something else since we had already driven for an hour, but her and her friend didn't seem interested. So I drove back home. On our way I remembered she had her digital camera with her at the party, so I nonchalantly asked her if I could see the pictures they took. She told me no that I couldn't see them because I would get mad at her. I assured her I wouldn't, as she was free to do whatever she wanted. She said no, and that she'd show them to me later. I didn't say anything. So later tonight, she signs on to msn, telling everyone she has updated her msnspace with the pictures. I try to log on to see it and I get "Access Denied". She blocked me off so I couldn't see them. But that's okay, you see, because she went on to put some of them as her display pictures. In one of them she is stripping with her girl friends, in another one she is kissing a guy on the cheek (which just happens to be one of her ex's from before me), in another one she is hugging another guy... so on... The point is... she lied to me. I looked her straight in the eye before that party and told her that if she was lying to me about the whole thing, I'd never talk to her again. Not because I didn't want her to go to the party, etc... but for the mere principle that it is just PLAIN WRONG for her to make a fool out of me like that, having me buy her all this sh*t so she can go mess around with other guys!!! Am I wrong in feeling this way??? I feel SO HURT right now. I tried my best. I tried everything I could to show her that I've changed, and yet... how can I even begin to show her that I've changed if she won't even be honest with me about things. I feel I've reached the end of the line with her. I've done everything I could think of to show her how much I care about her, and how I would always be there for her and never hurt her. How I would love her forever and be the best boyfriend she could ever ask for. But I feel like there's nothing more I can do. Which is why I come here to you, finally open and willing to take the advice you have to give me... Despite all this sh*t she has put me through, yes, I still want to be with her. But I don't know how I'm ever gonna be with her doing things my way. I've used up all the romance and ideas I had that could woo her, that could make her want to give me a chance. I come to you now, first to apologize for being so hard headed from the beginning, and to tell you that I'm ready to do what you think I should do as a LAST RESORT to bring her back.

Okay... So I admit I haven't yet taken any of the advice given to me here, but rest assured it is all in the back of my mind and is not wasted advice. But, for whoever is still interested, here is what's been going on for the past week since I lasted posted... So I've been pretty much seeing her every day after school. Weekends I almost don't see her at all. She'll either be busy working, going out with her family or doing something with her friends. I've said something to her about how she makes time for everyone/everything else, except to hang out with me. And when I tell her that, she'll get mad and say that she's been seeing me everyday during the week (which is true). But it's weird, because it's not like she makes a point of seeing me/hanging out with me during the week. This time that we hang out is about 2-3 hours a day, between the time she's done school and the time she has to work or go pick up her mother. And that's another thing to. She trashed-talked me so much to her parents when we broke up that now she hasn't been able to tell them that she's seeing me again yet. Which sucks, cause she always has to lie to them about where she is/who with, etc. Not to mention that we only get to hang out until they get home. But it's not even that that bothers me the most. What bothers me is the feeling that although she does see me fairly often (2-3 hours a day during the week), I just have this weird feeling that she doesn't hang out with me for the sake of seeing me/spending time with me. There's always something in it for her. Like we'll go out to eat and I'll pay (sometimes I've already eaten before, so I'll pay just for her). Other times we go to the mall cause she wants to see something. I mean, I don't mind doing these things, and even paying for lunch (she pays sometimes too, but the ratio is like 1:4, so she pays once I pay the next 4 times, etc). Like I said, I dont mind paying and making myself available to go places, etc, but I often feel like whenever she's gotten what she wanted (ie, dinner) she'll be like "okay, I have to be home soon". It's just this creepy feeling that she just hangs out with me when she can get something in return. And it's not only that... it's how as soon as she gets into my car she is always either tired or grumpy. I can understand if she's tired, and I'll even put up with her just laying there sleeping on the passenger as I drive to wherever we are supposed to go. But it's a bunch of little things when I'm driving with her... how she barely makes eye contact with me... how she always looks like something is wrong, but when I ask her she says there's nothing wrong... how she always looks like she's doing me a favour for being there with me... how she never wants to know how I'm doing, etc... how she has no hesitation in talking to me about her ex and the "things" they did... Like I said, i've mentioned to her about how it always feels like she's only with me when she has something to get. But then she'll get mad and start telling me how she sees me everyday, and how I haven't changed at all, that I'm still controlling her, wanting to spend every second with her. And that's not true at all. I just wish she'd wanna spend time with me that didn't involve something "in it" for her other than merely my presense. Does that make sense? I don't know... sometimes I think she is right. Maybe I should just be greatful for her friendship and the time she's spending with me. Two months ago I could never see her even talking to me ever again, let alone being my friend. But every time I'm with her I just get so hopeful for something more... She knows I want more... but she keeps saying she's not ready for a relationship, and that the possibility of us being together is a "maybe" in the somewhat near future.

Sounds interesting... Would you mind telling a little bit more about the points you found more interesting? And what exactly are Anti-seducers?

Whenever I think I'm getting close to be able to do that to take the upper hand, I get discouraged by remembering some of the things she says/does that tells me that If I was to ignore her or stop being there for her, that she might just walk away. Tell me if I'm reading these things wrong. Here are some examples: - She wanted to know everything that I did with what girls when we were broken up. She got upset that I had made-out with one girl, even though she full-out had sex with the new guy she was with. But then after that....... she never asks me about my day or what I've done with who, which tells me she probably really doesn't care, and that if she really wanted me, these are some of the things she'd want to know. - She tells me she wouldn't care if I went out with some other girl, but then why does she contact all the girls I know and try to trash my image with them by telling them how obsessed I am over her. - Tonight some of my friends called me asking if I wanted to go with them to the stripclub. I didn't, but when I told her later that they called me and I didn't go, she was like "oh, too bad... you missed out". Does she really mean that or does she only say that cause she doesn't want me to think she cares?

I know... But see... at least when I was with her, sex was a big deal for her. The reason I'm making more of it than I should is because never in my life would I think that she'd be capable of having casual sex just for the sake of that. I never figured her to be that way... which is why I was hoping it would mean something more, or at least the start of something more. Anyways...this is gonna sound stupid, but here it goes... Today I was at school all day and she would be working at night time. I tried so hard not to see her, but I just had to. So I tonight i txt msged her saying I had something for her. She replied back wanting to know what it was ofcourse. I told her I couldn't tell her, but that I'd come over and bring it to her at the end of her shift. So I did. I had a white-chocolate covered oreo cookie I had saved from my lunch. They're her favourites, so I thought it'd be a nice, romantic, 'cute' thing to do for her. Something that could possibly warm her stoneheart a little bit. What was I thinking? When I got there she was like "Well, where is it?! Hurry up! I don't have time!" So I gave it to her, and she got mad at me. She said she didn't want it, and tried putting it back in my pocket. Since I wouldn't let her, she threw it in the garbage right in front of me. That kinda hurt. Nah... that really hurt. And it was embarrassing too. But it's good you know...serves me right.... whatever... I mean, i guess in the back of my mind I sorta new she might do something like that. I had just forgotten it is all... Silly story, I know... I just thought I'd share it...

You're absolutely right. That was completely contradictory. I think my mind must be just giving in. My judgement is obviously clouded and right now I can hardly think a thought that doesn't involve this situation. Which is why I came here I guess... You are right, it's not at all easy to walk away. What I meant to say is that walking away is probably the right option, and the one I need put no practical effort into in terms of not having to be there for her, etc. That's what I meant by "easy", but I know, it sounds completely wrong. I just feel like if I walk away I risk throwing away the opportunity to get back with her, that I've been waiting for for 8 months. I feel like I also risk being a big jerk and a hypocrite if I just stop talking to her. After all, I already told her I valued our friendship most of all and that I really care about her. And she's already conceded to being my friend, and whatever happens, I really don't wanna spoil that, seeing as a few months ago I didn't even have that. I have thought of this. And yes, it does feel like she's getting all the benefits of a relationship without having to do any of the work. But the whole situation seems so complicated. Try to see it through my eyes: There's nothing I want more than to be with this person. She's currently single, and even though she says she doesn't want a relationship right now and doesn't wanna be tied down, I know her better than that. She didn't even wait a week to start seeing this guy after we broke up. And in her previous relationship before me, she waited 3 days after a break up to start going out with me. The point is, she's the kind of person that needs that type of attention/support. And I feel like If I walk away, she's not gonna put a lot of effort into me staying, mostly because she's just too proud. If I get out of the picture and play hard to get, I'm scared she'll just look the other way and find some other guy, whoever looks at her first. And I know you're all gonna say... "well, if she does that, then you deserve better, so and so..." but that really doesn't help all that much. I want to make things work with her. And it's so frustrating... because whenever I get to feeling that I almost have her back, she let's go of me really hard and puts me back where I started... as nothing but a friend. About the whole sex thing. Trust me, It doesn't feel right knowing she's probably just using me to relieve herself. But when you're in this position you'll do anything to try and get them back, even if it means giving them all they want and hoping somewhere along the way they'll start caring about you at the same level again. It's horrible, I know... it doesn't sound like a good way to go about it, but then I think. Damn it... if she really doesn't like me and has no feelings for me, why is she having sex with me? There's gotta be something differentiating me from the next guy, no? I mean, obviously I still turn her on at least... if she had absolutely no feelings for me, why would she share herself with me like that again? Thanks for the continued feedback...

Maybe you are all right. Maybe she is just deliberately playing with my feelings and messing with my head. But what am I to do?? Moving on is not an option. I had 8 months to move on when she was with someone else, and now that I'm closer to her than I've ever been in the past year, it just makes no sense to wanna walk out of this... whatever we can call this. I've found from reading people's replies in this forum (to my thread and others) that this is much more about getting people to forget their ex's than talking about "getting back together" with them. The problem is, I've heard all the advice to forget her already, and if it was that easy, I would have done it without having to come here. I came here in search of something else that I can use. Maybe some insight into her actions, the mind of girls, strategies to try and make things succeed b/w us. Unfortunately, most of the advice I've heard so far has been to take the easy way out. I've waited to long for this. I'm in on this until the end, whatever it leads to. With that in mind, I've been postponing any replies because I wanted to let things play out a little bit. In a short concise summary, I can say that we've been getting closer everyday, but she continues to play a game of push-and-pull with my feelings. For example, one minute we'll be talking just fine like we're going out again. We'll make out and have a really good time, and she says she just needs some time. Then the next she is cold and distant. She tells me we're never getting back together and that I'll never get anything from her other than her friendship. Then the next day she is all over me again. Then the next day she is cold and indifferent. Yes, every other day she tells me we're never getting back together. But why does she say this? Is it because she wants me to be more desperate about her and work harder to win her, or does she really mean that? And if it's the latter, why is it that SHE has been initiating sexual contact with me every other day?? Sometimes we'll be in the middle of something, and after a few minutes she'll stop and say "No, I can't do this!". I ask her why, and she says it's because she still has feelings for the other guy. But then a little while later, she'll initiate things with me again. So what is it??? Is there a chance for us? Will my chances improve as she forgets about this guy? Why does she say I'll never get anything other than her friendship, and then hours later she's having sex with me (which btw, SHE always starts)?? Alright... have at me now... I'm ready...

*sigh* I know that's not her real self. I know that she's a much better person on the inside. Because there have been moments where I've seen it. And even as she tries to hide her tenderness underneath that crust of evil, I can still see her real self escaping through the smalled gestures.... I think it's pointless trying to explain to people why I love her. It's like trying to convince my friends that she is beautiful... pointless, because they all think she's not. There really is no point in trying to rationalize love... Some people base the value of a relationship on how they can benefit from someone else.... others base it on what they can give... I guess I'm one of those people, and I think I can give her a lot of what she really needs. And I honestly think I could get through to her real self once more if I could at least get through this whole situation.... But like I said before, it's all a huge uncertainty. There's never any certainty that she's saying something because she means it, or just because she wants to keep me wrapped around her finger..... What do you think? Is it really possible that she could judge me from one kiss, and not want to give me a chance based on that? Btw, thanks for everyone's patience with me...

That is exactly what I want to do DN... I feel like if I just let this linger she'll probably just keep going for as long as she can, until she finds someone else or whatever. It almost feels like she's using me to keep her confidence high while she doesn't find some other guy. What you are telling me is precisely what I should do, but that I have no courage to. It's hard, cause it's like... when things are going okay and we're talking normally, I feel like that's when the time is right to tell her this. But then there's always that creeping doubt: "Oh, maybe I won't have to. Maybe she'll be normal towards me for good from now on..." And then, there's the times she puts me down... and those times is when I am really scared of telling her this... Like just last night we were sorta flirting on msn. She was asking me all these questions... and she asked me if I felt anything when I kissed her that day. And I said yes, of course. Then she left. Then today we were talking on msn again, but she's being so mean today. First she said my hair looks bad long, and that i'd look "way hot if it was shorter". Then later on she's randomly saying things to me like... "you have no sense of humour". Just randomly saying these things. Then she started talking about my best friend and about how he's got so much more sense of humour than I do. And she's like, "maybe we'll hook up..... me and him are a lot more alike than you think". They really don't. Now, I know she's probably just saying that to make me jealous... right?? RIGHT?? So I won't let that bother me too much. But I was like "You made fun of my flirting skills... but do you always treat the guys you're seeing like that?" And then she said she's not "seeing" me anymore. That she really isn't all that interested.... and you know why? Because she kissed me once (like described on the other post). She kissed me ONCE, and she said she felt nothing... She said, "when you kissed me I thought I'd be like yes! But no... I wasn't at all... it didn't do anything to me". And then she left again. Those were her last words before she went off. She always manages to leave on a note like that, to make me crazy. But the problem is you never know when she's bluffing... if she means things, or if she says them just to mess me up more and keep me wrapped around her finger. What do you think? I told her it's not fair she should judge me from ONE kiss. She didn't say anything to that. Hopefully soon I'll have the courage to give her an ultimatum on us, like DN suggested...

I do see what everyone is saying. However, I think everyone is starting from the perspective that she is counsciously scheming these things from beginning to end. Though that may be a possibility, I tend to think she really just doesn't know what she wants. I know I say she's cruel, but she can't possibly be really evil. No one is all evil. Won't she eventually feel bad for hurting me the way she does? Do you honestly think she has no interest whatsoever in getting back with me? Then why would she go through this whole trouble?? Maybe she's just really confused right now. In terms of changing things around, do you think if I started being less eager to wanna spend time with her and do everything for her, I would get better results? Or do you think If I did that right now, she would just walk away from me? From all that I've posted so far... what is your guess in terms of this? Maybe I could start by changing some of my passwords to my email accounts and whatnot. She has access to mostly everything right now, and she pretty much checks things everyday. I mean, I really don't mind if she does. It's the only thing she does nowadays that makes me feel like she still cares about me (that she is curious enough to check my emails everyday). But I just feel like she has too much right now. It's like I have nothing left to operate with... maybe if I take some of this stuff back from her, she'll start to ease up on me. What do you think? Again, I appreciate everyone's comments, but anything that tries to help me with a more positive prospect of things will be highly appreciated. Thanks.

Oh God... This girl is really playing with my head now. Okay... so I took her out for coffee early this morning. She wanted to talk about the things each of us did when we were broken up. Well... it was mostly her wanting to know the things I did, since she had already made sure to rub it in my face numerous times before that she was very sexually active with her new bf. It was sort of ironic that she'd want to know the things I did, especially seeing as I only went out with one girl during the 9 months we weren't talking, and I never had sex with her although I had the opportunity to. So... once again I renewed my promises to her. Told her that I had changed and that things would be different. Told her that I'd always be there for her, and that I'd give her everything she wants from a relationship. Told her she had nothing to lose by giving me a second chance. And then, just like the other day... she looked at me like she wanted me to kiss her. And this time I did... I gave her a soft, gentle kiss that lasted about 8 seconds. And then she sorta slowly pushed me away again. Then we continued talking. She was cold and distant when I first picked her up, but by the time I kissed her (about 2 hours later) she was a bit better. A bit. Then after I kissed her I felt really close to her again. I showed her this diary/poems I had kept from the time she broke-up with me and I was trying to deal with it by writing. I leaned my head on her shoulder a little, as she voraciously went through it all. She didn't say anything. She just sat there reading through it. Then, when she was done she told me to take her home. Like I had done something wrong. I asked her if she was sure. If she didn't want to stay with me a little more, considering I had skipped my morning lecture at school to see her in the morning, and leaving now would make it just a waste of time. She agreed to stay a while more, but said she had to pick something up at home first. So I drove her home. On the drive home, she kept talking about how "sometimes people are just better off being friends"... while I kept trying to convince her why we should be together, or why she should at least give me a chance to prove I've changed. When I pulled up into her driveway, she said "I'll talk to you later! Bye!", and left. Didn't give me a chance to say anything. You should've seen... what she did was just bizarre! She just left. I went crazy. I didn't go after her or anything. I left. But I was just going crazy! I thought for sure I blew it all! I didn't know what I had done wrong, but I felt like that was it... that kiss was my parting gift and she was never gonna see me or talk to me again!.... It was the most horrible feeling! It's like she had pulled me all the way back up from the abyss after I was already bruised from a huge fall, and then from the very top just let me drop again straight to the bottom! I couldn't believe it... my day was pretty much ruined. I didn't even want to go back to school for my other classes. But I went anyways, as i figured it was better to take my mind away a little bit or I'd do something stupid like contacting her right away. But I didnt have to. On my way to school, about a half hour after I dropped her off, she calls me and starts talking like nothing happened. Like she never left the car acting like I had blew all my chances. I told her how much it hurt me the games she was playing with me. I asked her why she left that way, to which she said that "I was already getting too attached to her"... When I asked her why she keeps playing games with my feelings, and doing mean and cruel things, she gave me an answer which was surprisingly honest. She said, "Because I can. Because you'll take it.... I'm trying out my limits.... to see how far I can go before you'll say no." I do see what's going on here. But I really don't know what to do. No, I'm not just gonna walk out from this now. I've waited 9 months just for this opportunity, I want to at least go all the way with it. But what do I do?! I mean, clearly she's messing with me... but what does it all mean??! She kissed me... she's said before (in one of her nicer moments) that eventually we'd probably get back together... can these things mean absolutely nothing??? I realize that I should put a stop to her games. That I should say that "NO!". But it's so hard.... it's like I have really no cards to play with. She knows I'll do anything, and she knows I don't wanna blow my chances with her. She's got the upper hand... way up. And I've got nothing to play it. Sure, i could risk my luck and put a stop to this emotional abuse she's putting me through. But then... what if I blow any chances I might have with her..... WHAT DO I DO NOW?!?!?!?!

Well... a lot has happened in the situation since my last post. Where it leaves me...? I don't really know. I'm more confused than I've ever been. But I thought I'd share it here anyways... Well... that movie date that I was talking about actually happened. She sort of held out until the last minute, but then on Tuesday morning I talked to her and she said we could go. So we went that same Tuesday. I picked her up at 2 and we were supposed to go to the 4:00 showing in this theater at a nearby town. At first I was little disappointed, cause I figured she wanted to go early to just get it over with and go back home. But it actually turned out to my advantage. So I picked her up at 2, we went for lunch (her treat this time), then to the movie at 4. There was a 40 minute drive to the theater which gave us time to talk more. At the beginning of this date I felt it was really going nowhere. Why? Because she was so cold and distant. From the time we went for lunch to about half hour after we left the movie theater, I thought for sure nothing would come of it and that she really just wanted to come for the movie since it'd be free for her, and she wanted to see this movie that was only playing in another town, etc. What I mean by cold and distant? Well... there's a level at which you treat your friends, and she was treating me at just about one or two notches bellow that level. She would appear as if she was there doing me a favour, as if she wasn't really enjoying herself all that much... and whenever she had the chance, she'd try to stick it to me with some mean remark. So, needless to say that as we left the movie theatre I felt like the whole thing was a disaster... that she was really never going to come back to me... but then.... things slowly turned. We left the movie theater, and as I started driving I thought for sure she was gonna tell me to drive her home right away. But to my amazement, she suggested we go somewhere else since it was still so early (around 6 by this time). So I happily agreed. I started driving back in the direction of our hometown, and as we passed by our local mall, she suggested we went in for ice cream at Dairy Queen. So we did. We had ice cream and talked. That's when she started warming up more to me, as I said things to make her laugh, and talked sincerely about trust and friendship with her, etc. I think what really got her to ease up on me was when I indulged her into a litte gossiping, which I hate to do, but she just loves! After this, we walked around the mall for a bit. She looked at some clothes for herself, and took me to the store where she bought her new ex his Christmas present. It hurt to listen to her talk about him, but I figured it's the price I had to pay if I wanted any chance at getting back with her. At this point it was about 8, and her mother called. Like she did the other day, she told her mother she was out with one of her girl friends at the mall. She also told her she'd be home soon. So when I heard that I thought. Well, that's it! That's about as much (or as little) progress as I will make today (which was better prospect than what I had a couple of hours before). I figured she'd ask me to drive her home at that point, but to my amazement when I asked her, she suggested we went somewhere else. So I suggested a bunch of things we could do. From bowling to mini-golfing, a bunch of things I could think of. She turned down all the ideas.... so... I just kept driving. I kept driving until we reached another mall at a different town. She likes malls, and I figured that was the last thing I could offer her at that time anyways. I parked the car and asked her if she wanted to go inside. To my surprise, she responded..."Well... we can just stay in the car and talk if you want." I couldn't believe her words..... I liked where this was going. So, not to make things too tense, I put some music on that she likes, etc. I started talking to her about my work situation, and about this boss I had, and how when he got canned he called me and left this really nice message on my voicemail to tell me we weren't gonna be seeing each other anymore. That got me to telling her how I still had all her voice messages saved from when we used to go out. She got a kick out of that, and wanted to listen to them. So I gave her my celphone and we sort of listened to the messages together as she enjoyed herself laughing. There were some 30 messages or so, and somewhere between the first and last one, I found myself getting closer to her (as I was trying to listen to them as well). At one point, I realized that my face wasn't much farther than 3 inches from hers, and that whether or not she realized it, she let me get closer than she ever had since we started talking again. She was sorta zoned out as she listened to the messages. But as she finished, she put down the phone, and, for a moment, everything went quiet. We just looked into each other's eyes for a second... I remembered that look (how could I ever forget that look). It was the look of someone who is ready to be kissed, and wants it.... I slowly got even closer, and then, just as I went for the kiss, she quietly and slowly shook her head once. I respected her subtle signal. For a good 20 seconds right after we just looked around awkwardly. And then, she started crying. I passed her a tissue and asked her what was wrong. And in a moment of, what seemed to me to be utter sincerity, she revealed, "I don't know what to do". She said she wasn't ready for a relationship just yet. Which surprised me, because she usually wouldn't be able to stand being alone. I told her not to cry... that she had absolutely nothing to fear, because no matter what happened, I would always be there by her side. And then I gave her a long big hug and a kiss on the cheek, which I think she really appreciated. She said she doesn't think we could go back together, because I would never forgive her for the things she did with the new guy. I told her that just as she had changed, I had also. And after having to put up with the pain of not having her for 8 or so months, I had grown and matured more, to be able to deal with these things. I was being sincere, and I think she believed me. I told her that if one day she would give me a second chance, I would make sure not one day would go by that she'd question or regret her decision. I really didn't wanna push her, maybe for fear of hearing something I wouldn't like, so I left it at that. I also felt like taking the opportunity, and I keep thinking maybe If I had been a little more forward at that moment, I would been able to get more from her. But it didn't seem right. It felt like If I did try to push her to come back to me, I would be taking advantage of her fragile state or something. I don't know... you guys can give me your thoughts... After that, I drove her home. The drive home was a breeze. As if a huge and heavy mask had been lifted from both of our faces. I mean, she always knew my intentions, but now hers were sort of exposed too (at least more than they were a day before... To me, there was this huge sense of accomplisment, although I hadn't really accomplished anything yet. It was weird. There was this feeling that although we are not back together yet, we are acting as if we already are...sorta. SHE gave ME an unexpected kiss on the cheek before she got out of the car. One thing she said to me that night as I drove her back home really struck me though. She told me how much she was hurt because she had put so much into this relationship with this guy and now it was all gone, all lost. I asked her if she really loved him, and she answered yes...she said that after you do so much for someone, like she had for him, you really come to love someone, and to feel as if loosing that person means loosing all the effort you put into them. A huge epiphany set on both of us at the exact moment she said that. She, for one, realized that that's exactly how I must have felt after she broke up with me. After all, she was now living the EXACT same role for this guy, that I lived for her for 2 years. She was driving him everywhere, paying for everything, doing all the calling, etc. My epiphany was different. I realized that I did so much for this girl, that she never got the chance to do anything for me. And it is no wonder that after 2 years together, she could walk out of it so easily, while I was left suffering the huge loss of everything I put into it. If nothing else, I think she is finally coming to realize how much I did for her, and how I felt after she left me. I think she is torn because it seems like she knows how much I did for her that this guy never has. I think she knows who she should be with... Any thoughts...?