Absolutely mortified that i blew it! Maybe a lesson for everyone else-Please help! Lo

[blues_belter]

Friends, ever notice that at the point you are really feeling strong- like you can maintain the status quo with your ex and work professionally with them without letting feelings get in the way- ever notice that at that point when you feel really strong- you give in to your own neediness???

 

If you have been there before, please help because i am there right now. I feel like i have blown 2 months of steady progress. While i now know that i cannot get my ex back or even get closure from him- that is not the most painful thing. The most painful thing is that i lost my self respect in a weak moment and did all the things i told myself and my friends i would never do. I tried to earn his trust back professionally and i let it get personal again.

 

Here's a little background for those of you who haven't read previous posts:

 

ex and i both musicians. We met 5 years ago, started a band and a steady platonic friendship developed. After 1 year 1/2 we admitted our feelings for each other and got involved-- probably much too quick because he had just ended 7 year relationship with his son's mother. Things were wonderful for about 8 months, then his temper started to scare me. No hitting but still very scary. Each time he apologized- each time i told myself to TRY HARDER! He ended up breaking up with me exactly one year after we got together. I never got closure with that one but we continued working together. Still had feelings, kept them to myself for sake of band. 3 months later, he confesses that he still loves me and could he hold me again? I thought that was a green light to start relationship again. We dated for 5 months but soon realized he was keeping his options open. he admits to kissing other girls and says we should stop seeing each other because he cannot treat me the way i want because he does not know what he wants. He said if he wanted relationship it would be with me. False hope. I decided to move on, but in the back of my mind i always hoped he woould come to his senses.

 

A month or so later, after he saw i had moved on- at least superficially, he started pursuing me again. I took it very slow with him because he was casually dating someone else. I figured that was fine with me if our dating was not physical. No problem there. we had the most wonderful time. 2 months later, he ended it with the other girl and confesses that i am the one he wants but something is still holding him back from commitment. I said take your time. Around that time, he needed a place to stay temporarily until his new roommates apt would be ready (about 3 weeks) I agreed he could stay. While he was living with me, new roommate fell through- he was stranded. Keep in mind that while he does make a little$ it is not enough to live on his own. I said he could consider living with me but if that is what he wanted- i would need to be exclusive and he would need to pay rent.

 

He thought about it for a couple days and said he would be able to do it. We were doing well, or so i thought. Soon after he moved in, he would erupt into rages when we argued and he was drinking. This started a cycle of abuse that turned physical. There was physical abuse about 8 times over the course of the next year. Each time, he apologized, begged my forgiveness, treated me like a queen for a few weeks, then it would start all over again. I started to fear him when he was drinking He was like jekyll and hyde. When there was no drinking we got along just fine and never argued. Things started to get more tense in April of 2005 when he lost a good paying gig and could no loger afford to pay rent. He also put off getting job- always promised he would but never did. I believed his promise and said that i would keep things going until he could bring $ in. I couldn't afford it but i did it anyway because i loved him and wanted it to work. I was blind to the fact that he only half- heartedly contributed. He wasnt paying rent anymore but he was at least cleaning, shopping groceries and cooking. But I was resentful because i had full time job, part time band and 3 year old son to support while he could sleep till noon if he wanted( my son split living with us and staying with my uncle while i was working weekends playing music. His father is not in the picture. Uncle supported my musical aspirations)

 

Anyway, we never fussed or argued around my son or his son when he visited. He was wonderful with my son and is his godfather. During summer of 2005 the cycle of abuse seemed to have ended. He seemed to be really working on his issues and treating me with a lot more respect. Until one night in a hotel room after a show. I got pissed that he was drunk and smarting off with me - it started all over again. Apologies, remorse, crappy behavior.

 

Alright- i know you all are saying- why the heck didn't you kick his *ss to the curb months ago!!!!! I know, i know- no need to say it. On my part i would have done anything to make it work with him because i loved him so much. You could just call me a crazy co-dependent because that's what i was. Looking back, i erased all of my boundaries and let him do it because i had lost my own self respect. He had what he wanted- i had to walk on eggshells. I just lost it all. Until one day finally i said the next time it happens i am out of here. Do what you need to stop this because i am tired of putting up with it. I said he could change his behavior but he had to do the work. He agreed. Things fine for 2 weeks then it happens again. I put my foot down and had him arrested. I didn't want to lose him- but i wanted him to get help and i was tired

 

When he got out of jail he came home. You could tell he was angry. He said he wanted to go away for a while-- a "break". Said our relationship could be really wonderful if it weren't for all the crap. But then he never really admitted to his own crap. Said he would be faithful to me- said we would work it out. The key to my chronic pain is that i believed everytime he would be differed. But a leopard NEVER changes his spots!!!

 

Well, lawyer advised no contact with me- he followed it to a T. He would not speak to me at all during court case. Our manager became a go-between for us . I hated it but i maintained my dignity and did not try to contact him. After case over this past December 15- things started to return to some sense of "normalcy" He continued to live elsewhere. I was stuck in an expensive lease on an apt i could not afford. I figured it was time to cut my losses and move on with my life. We still did not speak outside of work. But what brought us together was still good. We could work together onstage. People come to see us for the incredible chemistry we have as a group.

 

Finally, about a week ago i decided that i could be around him no problem. I approached him about working things out professionally and settling our personal issues. I gave the whole: what's done is done thing- let's move on. He agreed.

 

So i finally come to the point of my incredibly stupid mistake. We had a gig- just the 2 of us out of town at our favorite club to play. We always tend to stay after hours and be with our good friends- we are like family. ex really started to relax around me and we had a very good night like old times. I figured it would be no prob to get a room as i was too tired to drive home (he can't drive) We both seemed a little nervous. hotel only had king bed.

I got in bed and layed there for a long while. My stupid self longed to be in his arms. So i go over and he agreed. He did not mess with me but held me close. It felt wonderful. Then my stupid self couldn't be happy with that and tried something more. He said he didn't know if he could because he didn't want to risk things happening all over again. I said what do you mean? He said he is never coming back to me. He said it's over. That we could never "get along" He said he could pleasure me if i wanted- but not all the way. i felt so rejected and silly. I pushed and pushed and promised and all that. Then he said he was seeing someone and didn't want to mess it up with her!!! But of course, he said he would still pleasure me- like thats not cheating! Anyway- i gave it up and realized how ridiculous it was to pressure like that. No matter what a jerk he was, it only makes me look worse and is not truly loving.

 

Then the real issues came out. We argued- same old same old. It wasn't terrible but i felt mortified that all the proress i had made felt like it was erased in 10 minutes of weakness. I felt like i ruined my chance to everyone that i could handle it. He said let's just go to sleep. I could not stop being mortified. I panicked and told him i had to leave. He got pissed and said that i could not just walk out like that. He wouldn't know what's going on in my head- he would worry. I said i have just lost it and didnt know which way was up. He coaxed me back into bed and said i will hold you all night if you want me to, just relax. Then i just started to cry in his arms. I asked if he hit me because it was my fault. He softly said that no- and he wanted me to be at peace with that. he held me and let me cry. Of course after he fell asleep i was still awake and he was half awake and started messing with me. He immediately stopped when i took his hand away. He apologized. I started crying all over again.

 

The next day. i tried to talk to him-- but all he wanted to do was go home. I felt so awful that i wanted to sort things out- said i wanted him to come home!! He refused and on the ride back i alternated between begging and crying. IT WAS SO PATHETIC. It only made him stronger, angrier and more adamant. He said he wasn't trying to be a jerk but that i come at him like a machine gun sometimes and he can;t handle it. I told him i know i know- i said i didn' t know if i could separate between work and personal stuff. He said he thinks that i could still do it. He said he cares for me and wants me to be ok but that i would have to work it out on my own. Said he doesn;t want to be harsh but that he can;t handle my pushing. He wants to be able to work with me- be friends at some point. But that;s it

 

I never meant for any of this to happen. Temporary insanity. Look, folks, i know what i have done wrong- i never got closure and let it all come flying out all at once. i misread his signals. It was inappropriate and no wonder i freaked him out.

 

Please offer me advice. I don't want to not be able to work with him because of this. He told me i can still be there if i wanted it because we worked so hard on this band to get the success we have today. (CD out in a couple months.)

 

I just feel personally ashamed. Can anyone help put this in perspective- let me know that i am still a good person- and if he has a heart he won't see me as a complete idiot? I feel like i am back to square one. How can i resolve all this without falling back? So much despair! Is there a silver lining? Will it get better? Will he ever realize what he lost?

 

Thank you so much and you can all learn from me!

[blues_belter]

Anyone please- i know it's long and not a success story. I want to know that you're out there...

[curlygirl47]

You're doing the best you can. Ease up on yourself. Take 24 hours to get quiet in your spirit before you do anything else. I am suffering, too, and we can get through this together.

[curlygirl47]

Remember that he has probably been somebody's fool before or will eventually be one, so he'll go through what you're going through. He has the power right now, but he won't always. Try to forgive him and try try try to just get quiet inside for at least 24 hours.

[phillygal]

Blues_Better, try not to be so hard on yourself. I think you definitely need to take time to heal and really ask yourself why you would still want a chance at being with someone who clearly has so many issues. I understand what it is to love someone and how that love can sometimes cloud your judgement, but you have to look at the situation for what it is. Your relationship with him was extremely unhealthy and toxic. For you to ask him whether some how you were to blame for him hitting you, shows how much he has damaged your self esteem. How can you even think that he had a right to hit you!!! No matter what the situationn was, it should never have escalated to that point. If anything he should be begging for your forgiveness and thanking you for standing by him through thick and thin, especially when he stopped paying rent. For the sake of your son, you have to find the strength to get past this. Honestly, i would advise you to see a therapist or psychologist. It sounds like you're overwhelmed, and maybe a psychologist could help you deal with this better. I wish you good luck and just know it'll get better in time.

[blues_belter]

Thanks curlygirl and phillygal- I know he is wrong for me and when i asked to meet with him to straighten our professional life out- i kept it just that- professional. I had this in my head when we went alone to the gig this past Sat. I thought i could keep it like that- but so many unresolved issues and hurt just clouded my judgment when we were sitting there talking like old times. It had been so long since we even did that. It would be so much easier for me to leave this band but since we've worked so hard and are about to gain from our efforts, i feel like i'd be throwing away 5 years of everything i'd worked for. It also hurts that he won't come out and say- hey i'm sorry i hurt you- he just left and all he can really say is we didn't get along. Yeah, he's got issues and i made them mine...

 

I am seeing a counselor and it's helped i just thought i could be stronger than that. i wanted to prove it to him and everyone! Thank you for caring enough to write back.

[blues_belter]

Anyone else have anything to add. I could use some more input... relapsing is sometimes even worse than the initial breakup!

[curlygirl47]

Blues,

 

We have a new day. What are we doing to do with it? Let's try this: visualize the happiest time you ever had with your ex. Imagine feeling like that again. If you need to, write a note to him and tell him only that you are remembering the time ... (name it). You don't have to send the note; it is just for reconnecting to something positive that you shared. It will give you a momentary relief from the pain and sorrow. Then, think about what you have to do to get to a point where you could ever feel that way again --- with him or with anyone else, and go in that direction. I'm preaching to myself here, also. I remember hearing a motivational speech once, in which the speaker used the analogy of a person learning to ski. He kept falling, every time. Finally, he got a coach who watched him try to ski and then said, "Well, I see you problem. You are looking for a soft place to fall. Never look to fall again. Look to where you want to land and see yourself arriving there."

[blues_belter]

I like what you have to say- especially the ski analogy. I know i beat myself up really bad with this. I think my relapse was harder than the actual breakup. What is even harder than that is the cold hard truth that though i say i love him and miss him, my actions towards him the other day did not demonstrate real love. Perhaps, now i know that it was over, i wanted him to remember that i was good to him and there at a time when he needed me the most- the times when i should have just walked away. Now i just gave him a reason to say- See?

 

This is where i'm at. Putting my money where my mouth is. I liked your golden rule post today, in another thread, by the way.

[blues_belter]

Curly- now that i have said that. It is a new day. What i am going to do is make steps to change things in my life that I have the power to do. For example, until the day i can make an independent living off of being a blues singer (it's a hard row to hoe, but it's my passion), i want to be satisfied with what i am doing during the day. I am in a miserable job that pays well. I stay with it because I'm good at it. But I'll tell you, it sucks the creative energy right out of me.

 

I'm going to take a risk and go for something that I have the talent for. My keyboard player told me there is an opening at the radio station he works at- to do voice-overs for advertising and jingles.

[curlygirl47]

Have I already told you about the book How to Get Your Lover Back? Some people on the forum don't like it, but it's helped me a lot --- mostly to calm down and get out of that panicky mode when it hits me. And I do believe it helps you get in a better place mentally, and to understand what loving 100% while at all times honoring and respecting yourself means. Those are the two ultimate prescriptions of the book: At all times honor and respect yourself, and Love your ex 100%. Love includes "active concern for the needs of another person." Another thing that has helped me is the idea that "any positive contact with your ex that does not apply pressure is a good thing." Now, all that said, I am also listening to people on the forum who have been there and done that, and I am trying to balance it all out. I was the last to contact my ex, by sending him a letter after he called me at 2:56 a.m. and wanted to come over. I don't know if the letter upset him in some way, or if he's just thinking things over --- or if he doesn't care (but I doubt that), but for one reason or another I've heard zero from him. It's hard, but I'm trying to take this 24 hours at a time right now.

[curlygirl47]

He got the letter eight days ago, by the way. Can't remember if I've mentioned that. Last night I had the strongest feeling he was missing me. My cell phone is out of service right now, so the only time he can call me is when I'm at work --- which is when he's at work and when he's least vulnerable. He tends to call when he's drunk.

[blues_belter]

Actually, i have that book too, and have read it a few times. It is very helpful.

But everytime i think about how things ended the other day- i feel absolutely awful. I want to know if there is anything i can do to explain maybe in a letter that i regret how i acted- that i regret what we went through, but that i wish him well. I really want to give him that respect. The more i talk to him in person, the more i feel misunderstood. I want to make peace with it and with him. I told him right before that night (after we hadn't spoken in 2 months) that i wanted to be able to work with him, be friends and that's it. But now, it's like i erased that new beginning.

[blues_belter]

You have every reason to believe he misses you. What did you say in the letter?

[curlygirl47]

In my letter, I re-addressed some things we had talked about at the "official" break-up, which occurred not this past Friday, but the Friday before. I initiated that conversation and confirmed the breakup because though we had been off and on for the past few weeks, and we had been intimate on the previous Saturday and spent the whole day together, he hadn't called me after that, and it had been 5 days. I'd just had enough of him doing that for the past few weeks, whereas before we had seen each other and talked to each other nearly every day for the past four months. So I wanted to clear things up. I told him at that time that I did not want the beautiful leather biker coat that he bought me for Christmas (which had been backordered and was about to come in) because though it had meant a great deal to me when he bought it and I had been so excited about having it and wearing it when we rode his bike, our relationship had changed, and having it without him would just make me sad. I also said that I wanted him to give it to someone he loved and whoever would be riding his bike with him, which seemed to hurt him. (I meant for it to). He also asked me "Don't you want to date a little more and figure out who's right for you?" And I said no, I'd had enough of dating (which is true) and that I wouldn't be dating because I didn't have the heart for it. After thinking these things through, though, I re-addressed them in the letter. I said that I didn't know if I'd made the right decision about the coat, and unless there was someone he wanted to give it to, he could maybe keep it and then if he decided to come and pick me up for a ride on the bike sometime, I would have it to wear at that time and would enjoy that. I also said that since he had mentioned that I should date other people, I had decided that I probably should. I would be here for at least three more months, and there was no point in shutting people out. (I said this so that just in case I do end up out on a date and he sees me, he wouldn't think I was lying to him about not dating. I also said it because people on the forum have said it's a good idea to let the ex know you're not just sitting around moping and that you are willing to consider other possibilities.)

 

Finally, I said that he could come to see me if he wanted; that I would be happy to see him but I didn't want to tie him down or "paint him in the lines that I had drawn" (which is a line from a song). I ended the letter with a memory of a great time we had, and that was it.

 

My one worry (which is remote) is that he didn't get the letter. There is the chance that it blew away because I stuck it in the door of his truck, and it rained just a tiny bit after that. But surely he got it, even if it was wet? I've wondered if I should ask, but I was afraid that would just seem like the old needy, "Did you get my letter" thing.

[blues_belter]

I think your letter was fine and honest. I do believe that he has feelings for you and is afraid. This may sound weird, but there are cases when it is ok to date other people- so long as the other person truly is fine with it. Think about that whole "3 in rotation" kind of thing. It's much easier to "fall hard" when there is only one on the horizon. Rather, i feel your ex is trying to put his feelings for you in perspective with the rest of his life. This is not a bad thing. In the short term it is because you hurt so much. But keep that non- needy air about you. I would not however go over the same points with him again, now that you have said it.

 

Perhaps the 2 of you can comfortably see each other while you continue to date other people? But that is something you really need to be ready for. If not, don't do it.

[blues_belter]

Oh and one more thing- do NOT sleep with him while you know he is seeing other people. This is for your protection and peace of mind as a female. Tell me what you think..

[curlygirl47]

Okay --- so as i said it's been 8 days. I should just assume he got the letter and carry on with my NC? I was doing so well today, but for the past hour or so I've gotten that sudden feeling of wanting to drop by and see him at work and just get a hug. I know exactly what he would do at first. He would say, "Hey, girl!" and give me a hug and said I look nice and ask how I'm doing. Then he would probably say I'm glad to see you, I've been meaning to call, etc. All of that I'm fairly certain about. It's what would happen next that is gray. So, I'll try to keep from doing it for the next 24 hours!

[curlygirl47]

Oh boy the sex thing is incredibly hard. I don't think I can turn him down, but I can keep from calling him and telling him the truth, which is I want you right now, come over. And I can keep from going over there. If he comes to me, though --- and the weirdest thing is, I dont know if you've read my previous posts, but he has sexual problems, as in maintaining an erection. And I don't even care. I am totally into him and can deal with that problem. He's SO sexy in other ways, but he worried all the time about "satisfying me." He brought it up a lot. He also said the sex with me was "some of the best he'd had in his life, and he didn't care who I told that to." Now, here's what I don't get. How can someone who is insecure about himself sexually want to be having sex with more than one woman and revealing that problem? In case there is any question in your mind, I am 99% sure that this is not a problem with arousal or with lack of attraction to me or anything like that. He gets extremely aroused by me, in a flat minute. I noticed that he had a prescription for Viagra that he had long before dating me, and I've also noticed that even with the Viagra he's not exactly up and running like you would think. The only time I remember him having it going on like a charm was once when he did a line of cocaine when we were together. It freaked me out (the cocaine), but he only did it about once a month or so, apparently, and has now quit that and marijuana altogether as a New Year's resolution. Anyway, so you see how the sexual part is complicated. If I turn him down, it may increase the problem of insecurity on his part --- if that's psychologically part of the problem with him and me. He asked me some weird questions when we did the official break up, like "On such and such night, did you go an see somebody else?" and "Did you ever leave while I was sleeping?" Of course, the answer to these was an emphatic no, I never did and wouldn't want to. He clearly has some insecurities where I am concerned, but my God I've shown him how I feel about him and I'm dying to be with him right now. Do these other women reassure him somehow?

[curlygirl47]

By the way, we were exclusive for 4 months, and this was the first time he has been exclusive with anybody since his divorce. Once when he was married he was unfaithful, and I know that it bothers him very much and that he worries he might be unfaithful again. Of course, I see his behavior right now as unfaithful, but that's because I'm in love with him and hurt.

[nataliejulie]

Blues -- He's abusive. Abusers have a mentality that is harder to change than water into wine. They may not hit anymore, but their personality still plays out their anger and frustration onto you.

 

Is that kind of relationship worth saving?

[blues_belter]

Who knows what these other women do for him. It does't really matter. The point is right now he's confused. I think you're doing great by keeping no contact. How long was it since the divorce when you started with him? Did he date others casually before you?

[blues_belter]

Hey Natalie! Good to see you.

 

No the relationship is not worth saving. Point is i was absolutely mortified that i let all those feelings out on him like that- when i say i want to work together comfortably. He's been afraid to talk to me, i'm sure because i might rip into him. I had made peace with that in my mind- but not yet in my heart. But when we talked about it all he can say is, well, we didn't get along- that's no way to live. He could never come out and say "i hit you and that was wrong and that's no way to live." This was way beyond getting along!

 

When i started crying the other night i asked if he really thought his abuse was my fault. He was soft and said, no honey, i really want you to be at peace with that- but that's it

 

I wanted him to know i was strong- i wanted our last moments the next day to be positive, but all i did was tear into him and say things best left to myself.

[nataliejulie]

Hey, we were dumped... we do stupid things some time, like show emotion It's okay.

And you ARE strong. This guy is like your kryptonite. Keep him away at the farthest distance whenever possible. It sounds to me this guy doesn't have much to offer any woman, that alone tells you he really isn't worth the energy. I know deep down you know this. So next time, he says "We just didn't get along", with the most adult, mature face on, you tell him, "I got along just fine, until you decided to use me as a punching bag."

 

Stand up for yourself for now on. It sounds like he's really trying to get that role as the "good guy", don't let him have it.

[curlygirl47]

Yes, in fact he joked that before me, his attitude was, "Pimpin' ain't easy." He would say that with a smug smile (you know, the old "I've got a lot of women hanging on me --- a lot of "friends"). He also told me, "I know who I can f--- and who I can love." He reminded me a few times during the relationship that other women were calling him and wanting to come by but he told them it wouldn't be a good idea because he was dating somebody. Today, I feel as if he has show disrespect for me to everybody --- his ex-wife, his son, his mother, and certainly these other people around town who see him acting like a fool and dissing me. It hurts so much! But at least I haven't let anybody see me cry, and I've made sure I got out and was seen surviving. (But I've been alone, which is not good for the image.) What the hell? I'm alone because I choose to be; I could get a guy, I just want P.