No Contact vs Valentine's Card

[Royltnxile]

Curlygirl wrote: "But it's pretty hard to resist beautiful, kind, and loving words from a beautiful, kind, and loving person who knows you and accepts you."

______________________________________________________

Then why haven't you taken him back?

Why did you break up with him in the first place if he is such a beautiful, kind, and loving person?

 

Something in the tone of your posts, Curly, indicate to me that you probably really enjoy knowing this ex of yours is hanging on a string. You seem to love how he sappily reminds you of how much he wants you, how much he cares, and how much he would love to be with you.

 

You know you've got him, and you know he's your little faithful puppy dog who you can say "come" to, whenever you choose to play with him...

 

I sense that your ego continues to be boosted and stroked everytime he tells you sappy crap like "I mowed the greens weeping"...and I don't believe for a minute that you get "reduced to tears" upon hearing him express his love for you...what I would guess you do, do, is you read them, smirk a little bit, and sigh to yourself "ahhh, yes, I've still got him".

 

Photomo - Don't listen to that crap. Listen to all of the other posters. Don't send her anything for Valentines Day. If it were her birthday, I would send the "distant text" simple bday greetings card, because that's a nice thing to do...but not a Valentines Day card.

She is no longer your sweetheart...

She is no longer your lover...

She is no longer your girlfriend...

..........and as someone else posted - that day is only about that kind of stuff, so it would be innapropriate...and it's just a "hallmark holiday".

 

Like I said in an earlier post - why not wait and see if SHE (your ex) sends YOU a card instead?

 

I know what you mean by worrying if the lack of a card makes you appear arrogant and hateful. It doesn't. You haven't done anything arrogant or hateful towards her so why worry about that? SHE needs to be worried about perhaps LOSING YOU for good. Not the other way around.

[curlygirl47]

I'm not going to write in the same offensive tone you have written in toward me; believe what you want. I did write honestly about my feelings for my ex, and I thought that was the purpose of this forum --- not to attack what other people say as untrue. I will excuse myself from this forum, and I feel sorry for anyone who is listening to advice from people who claim to know everything. If you did, you wouldn't be on this forum. Goodbye and good luck to all of you.

[photomo]

I'm not going to write in the same offensive tone you have written in toward me; believe what you want. I did write honestly about my feelings for my ex, and I thought that was the purpose of this forum --- not to attack what other people say as untrue. I will excuse myself from this forum, and I feel sorry for anyone who is listening to advice from people who claim to know everything. If you did, you wouldn't be on this forum. Goodbye and good luck to all of you.

 

curlygirl, I appreciate your post and can understand how you feel. But I agree it is strange for his messages to touch your heart if you are not together....if his messages really affect you so much, why not act on them?

 

Tell me something, if he suddenly stopped sending you all these messages, and had no contact with you whatsoever and appeared to have moved on, would you feel a sense of regret, and a sense that you're losing him? Would you act on it then?

[Dako]

One thing I enjoy about this place is the respect shown to people sharing sensitive personal issues. It's a rare opportunity to feel safe about opening up and exploring life's difficulties without harsh criticism.

[photomo]

 

How is an ex ever to truly feel what it's like to lose someone totally if the dumpee is always reminding the dumper how much they care?

 

Brilliant words there, Royltnxile......the reason I worry about me appearing arrogant is because I was arrogant with her in the past couple of years and took her for granted.....However, over the past three months I have done absolutely everything possible to prove to myself that I have changed my attitude....and I certainly know I have......I've done my part, it's her who has to do all the work.

 

I am beginning to realise that you cannot control someone else's feelings, no matter how much you desperately try. Although you can offer someone advice, at the end of the day they have to realise of their mistakes by themselves.......and maybe one day, maybe not now, maybe not next year, but maybe after being together with a new partner for 6 years, she will realise how wrong she was when she compares the relationship with how ours was after 6 years.....by which time I would have (hopefully) moved on, and can laugh about it.

[DN]

One thing I enjoy about this place is the respect shown to people sharing sensitive personal issues. It's a rare opportunity to feel safe about opening up and exploring life's difficulties without harsh criticism.

 

I know - it's amazing how kind and sensitive some people can be. You feel all warm and fuzzy after reading their stuff.

[BellaDonna]

it's amazing how kind and sensitive some people can be

 

I agree. Unfortuntatly, sometimes topics can turn quite disrespectful though, during those rare instances when people act rude, inconsiderate or start flaming at others.

 

It's a good thing there is a great team of Mods and Admins to make sure that respect is a always priority on enotalone.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Royltnxile]

curlygirl, I appreciate your post and can understand how you feel. But I agree it is strange for his messages to touch your heart if you are not together....if his messages really affect you so much, why not act on them?

 

Tell me something, if he suddenly stopped sending you all these messages, and had no contact with you whatsoever and appeared to have moved on, would you feel a sense of regret, and a sense that you're losing him? Would you act on it then?

 

Okay, my post back to you got removed by the censored. Apparently I ruffled someone's feathers. I doubt your question gets answered because that's precisely why I wrote the post that I did...as long as a person is regularly reminding and professing their love to someone, that someone has no chance to respond to that persons absense in their lives, or know anything about the concept of losing someone's affections for good finally sinking in...so reminding them all the time with sweet sentiments only serves to send the signal that it's okay to keep you on the hook.....and I used someone's story to emphasize it! Sorry if I offended anyone, that wasn't my intention at all.

[deejay74]

Okay, my post back to you got removed by the censored. Apparently I ruffled someone's feathers. I doubt your question gets answered because that's precisely why I wrote the post that I did...as long as a person is regularly reminding and professing their love to someone, that someone has no chance to respond to that persons absense in their lives, or know anything about the concept of losing someone's affections for good finally sinking in...so reminding them all the time with sweet sentiments only serves to send the signal that it's okay to keep you on the hook.....and I used someone's story to emphasize it! Sorry if I offended anyone, that wasn't my intention at all.

 

i was thinking exactly what your response to curly said.

 

i wondered why she didn't take him back either if she was so "wooed" by his sentiments.

 

for the record, i wasn't offended at all.

[DN]

curlygirl, I appreciate your post and can understand how you feel. But I agree it is strange for his messages to touch your heart if you are not together....if his messages really affect you so much, why not act on them?

 

Tell me something, if he suddenly stopped sending you all these messages, and had no contact with you whatsoever and appeared to have moved on, would you feel a sense of regret, and a sense that you're losing him? Would you act on it then?

 

I think I understand what she means. It may be a little misleading to her ex but just because you have fond feelings for someone and appreciate the fact that they still send you waem messages it does not necessarily mean that you want to get back together. Sometimes you leave someone because something is missing, not because the relationship has gone bad.

[lonelyfish]

I know this is very crazy and maybe shouldn't be posted in the "You want your ex back" thread but has anyone thought of sending their ex an Anti-Valentine's Day card??? Sorry - I think I've had a bad case of PMS this week and everything has hit the fan, just looking for some thoughts no matter how bad! Of course I'm just wishing everyone the best of intentions! (FYI - I'll post this in the ex-girlfriend/boyfriend relationships just to be on the safe side)!

[DN]

Any time you communicate with an ex it shows them that you are still hung up on them. No matter what you say.

[lonelyfish]

Very good point, we ex's don't always get that!

[lonelyfish]

It seems like romance has maybe lost its way, I can't say how my e\x would feel but I know I would feel charmed getting any sort of Valentine from an ex as long as it was not a part of a diliberate plan, or continuation of a bad vibe that was not meant to be, what do you all think???

[Dako]

I think expressing your love might not be strategically wise or condusive to getting your own way, but it might fulfill a need.

[Lady Bugg]

Valentines Day is a day manufactured by Halmark to manipulate and guilt people into "buying" their lovers affections..that they should be showing the other 364 days of the year anyway. I wouldn;t say i am ANTI V-Day...but if someone can't show they love and care about me every other day of the year ..ONE day certainly is not going to convince me. Then again...maybe I am a little bitter right now LOL

[Dako]

You're right about the commercialism, LB.

It really is an random date, as well.

 

I'm jaded about the day since it was also my anniversary.

[Lady Bugg]

Awwww I'm sorry to hear that Dako

 

I can understand how that day will be a toughie for you...

Hang in there...

[curlygirl47]

Since I have been invited back to the forum by a thoughtful member, I would like to respond to a few of the reasonable questions that I would have been glad to answer anyway.

 

Why haven't I gone back to my ex #1, R. ( the one who wants me back)? Because of a couple of problems in my own head --- First, (and I'm embarrassed to admit this) is that there is a certain lack of chemistry that worries me --- to put it bluntly, he's not so sexually attractive to me, however cold that sounds. Don't get me wrong; the sex was satisfying, once we got going --- this guy is a good lover, but my mind drifted, I thought of someone else, and I couldn't ever seem to give my heart to this guy fully, and I suspect it was because there was something wrong with the basic chemistry or BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I worried that I might eventually be unfaithful. Normally, when I am in love, I can't take my eyes off my fellow. I like to "study" his face and watch him when we are being intimate, etc. I couldn't do it with R. Problem #2: R. is a recovering alcoholic, so he can't go to bars or drink, and I like to do both. I like to socialize very much, and I get extremely restless sitting around at home.

 

That's it. Those two seemingly silly and selfish things keep me away from what is probably the most wonderful man I know and may ever know. Something to think about: I NEVER COMMITTED TO R. NEVER. AND I HAVE TRIED TO CUT OFF CONTACT WITH HIM COMPLETELY ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. I HAVE SUGGESTED HE DATE OTHER PEOPLE MANY TIMES. HE JUST WOULDN'T DO IT. I HAVE NEVER felt "smug" about his feelings for me. And if he found someone else, yes, I would be sorry that I lost him, but I would realize that it was something in me that kept me from doing it. Would I try to get him back. I don't know, and that's the honest answer. My whole point to Photomo was this: if R. wanted to guarantee that there would NEVER be a chance with me again, the one thing he could have done to make that a certainty would have been to act like a jerk and ignore my feelings. So if that's what you want to do, then don't send cards, don't send love, don't do anything positive at all --- be a jerk, and IF she's a woman who happens to share my personality, you can guarantee she will never look back and give you a second thought.

 

And now I've got my own (new) ex on my mind, too. Ex #2 is the one I want because we like to do the same things, the chemistry is perfect, and I don't ever feel restless when I'm with him or worry that I might be unfaithful. So there you have it. Either way, I'm alone, because my ex #2 left me about three weeks ago, and I have had NC since Monday of this week. It's a miserable situation, and you know what? I've promised myself not to do anything for three months --- no new relationships, no running back to Ex #1to make me feel better, etc. But in May, if nothing has changed and I'm still desperately unhappy, I'm probably moving in with Ex #1 and giving it a serious try for the first time. Am I a confused woman who has sometimes hurt the one who loves me? Okay, I'll give you that. But don't accuse me of not thinking it through and not caring. I've probably given this more thought over the past three years than I have about anything else. I've wanted to change and make myself the right one for R. because he doesn't deserve anything less that 100% commitment.

[annie24]

Well, R sounds like a good guy, but if you don't feel that "sexual chemistry" for him, things will never work. Otherwise, he is just a good friend. Why spend the rest of your life that you are only "kinda" attracted to?

[curlygirl47]

Because I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and it's looking that way. I'm 40. R. loves me and in many ways would make me happy, and being with me apparently makes him perfectly happy. So at least one of us would be in a good situation. My biggest fear: that I would stay with him for a while and then I'd leave him and hurt him all over again. Then again, he doesn't seem to be moving on anyway. It's been three years. The ironic thing: R. is a much better lover, on the whole, than the one I'm currently stuck on. It's not about the act of sex, you see -- it's about my captivation with the person, it's about the eye contact; it's about the desire when we are not together; it's about being alike. And the current ex, P. and I are very much alike, which is probably why he left me. Whew. Where's the nearest convent? I need to give this up.

[redandblack]

Hey

 

Curlygirl -- don't listen to all the criticism toward you. You have to understand that when people read posts like yours they automatically think of you as their ex. That's my theory at least. You sound like a very good person, but you are conflicted. Sexual attraction is important, very important, but so is finding someone who will love you wholeheartedly (which is rare). Just know, I'm rooting for ya! ;-)

 

Take care

[Royltnxile]

Thank you for explaining yourself Curly. Your past two posts support the point I was trying to make yesterday when you took offense to my post. I didn't mean to attack or offend you, I was just commenting how I perceived the tone of your post. Redandblack is right, I do see alot of my ex in your words...a whole lot. My ex, who after dating me for almost 2 months before we had sex, said this to me the night we were preparing to sleep together for the first time - "I'm so scared because I like you so much and I dont' want to screw this up....I'm scared because I've screwed up every relationship I've ever had, I've never been faithful to anyone, I have a wandering eye, commitment issues, and I have a huge jealous streak...that's why I'm so scared.." Talk about conflicted! I naievly just said "well, let's not screw it up then"..and I thought that I was a better man than her issues and personal demons and that she probably has just never had a good man with a good heart like me, ...so I discounted that statement as just simple fear (she had left no doubt in 6 weeks of dating that she was crazy about me)...I should have seen it as a huge red flag that illuminated her deeply seeded issues with herself and relationships, and her emotional dysfunction...Yet things were really good between us for 3 more months, and getting better, she was lowering her "walls" and we were getting more intimate, then BAM!...Valentines Day she flakes out on me, over the phone, an hour before dinner plans with the "cant do a relationship, relationships aren't me..I"m better off alone" routine...the rest I won't even go into because it's too long. I'll just say that had I chased her I would have totally eradicated any chance of a future "trying again". That still might happen, when she chooses to see me in person rather than call me and not leave messages, or leave me ambigous and mysterious "call me when you get this" type of messages...which she did as recently as right before Xmas. Ive just been trying to move on and let her go, and I've been dating someone else as well...yet I still think of her despite realizing that she's emotionally whacked.

 

You sound alot like my ex, same issues I think. Even though R makes you happy and deep down you know that he loves you unconditionally, despite all your inner conflicts...you won't commit to him fully and you are content to be continually reassured of his love. You yearn for "ex#2" because he left you and you can't have him. Nothing scares some people more than the prospect of getting exactly what you want ®, and most people want what they can't have (ex#2). My point was that R is not causing you to make any decision regarding him because he has never given you the chance to really miss him, or really doubt his feeling for you...you know you can have him at any time and this reassures you...but does nothing for his feelings. Your remark about "in 3 months I'll consider moving in with R" is kind of disturbing...because it shows that you are definitely keeping him on a string. That's like saying "if nothing better presents itself in 3 months, oh well, I'll always have "R" to fall back on". People we love should never be considered as "options", and that's what that sounds like your doing with R.

 

Have you read a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared"? If not, I would highly recommend it. It's all about people with commitment and intimacy issues, and the conflicts they face. You may find alot of eye opening and helpful information in it. You are at the age where you should be addressing these kind of issues, if you have them, or you do certainly run the risk of being alone the rest of your life, because commitment and intimacy issues cause people to take the subconscious attitude that "nothing will every be good enough for them"...thus missing opportunities to find happiness. And I'm saying this respectfully and sincerely. I'm not pointing a finger and saying "there's something wrong with you". I'm suggesting that, judging by your own words in your post, ...you already recognize that you have these conflicts, so take positive steps towards resolving them. Have you had counselling? Please go out and get that book!

 

I apologize for coming accross as offensive yesterday. Actually, your story posted today has really helped me to understand some things about my own situation, and I thank you for that.

 

Sincerely,

 

Jon

[curlygirl47]

which is nice, but you've still apparently not heard some things I've said. #1, I have not been with R. on a regular basis for over two years. He has carried on with his life --- he does not call me, chase me, beg to see me, ask what I'm doing, etc. He e-mails me occasionally, and once over the summer we met for a weekend (against my better judgment, because I was afraid of giving him hope and hurting him again.) So he has given me plenty of time to miss him, and miss him I do. Missing him and appreciating him don't necessarily mean that I am going to run back --- but if you knew how much I talk about him to other people, you'd believe that I do in fact miss him. There have been times when we haven't talked for months.

 

#2 It's not true that I want P. because I can't have him. I wanted him very much when I did have him --- I've wanted him since day 1, and the whole time when we were together. I don't have any problem being faithful to him, and I haven't had trouble being faithful in every relationship I've had. You are implying that I have intimacy and commitment issues with every man, which is simply not true. It is true with this one fellow, however --- R. Again, when I said that about possibly trying to make a real go of it with him if my life doesn't change in the next three months, I'm not "stringing" him along. I haven't asked him to wait for me or suggested in any way that I might be coming back to him. I'm just saying to YOU and to the other people here that I am considering it. In the meantime, he may find Ms. Right and it won't be an option. What I'm trying to do is survive --- and let me tell you, I've been on the low end of my mental health lately. What I want you and other people who are missing an ex to understand is that we are not evil people who "want what we can't have" and are out to manipulate and use everybody else. We are trying to get the love we need and to give it back ---- just like you. I hope your situation works out and you are happy again one day. I remember a line from a Paul Newman movie when his character's son says to him about his ex-wife, "Mom's afraid that you've had a happy life." He replies, "Tell her not to worry." It made me chuckle, but of course it rang true. When you think your ex is off having a great time and not having a care in the world, you're probably wrong. She has tremendous regrets and shame and disappointment and longs to be right with herself and with the world. If she's cruel to you, that's another thing altogether. Cruelty is the worst vice, I think. I do sincerely wish you the best and I'll take into consideration what you've said.

[Blured]

I dont think you should send it, but then it's not my desision.

Ask yourself; what would sending her a card actually achieve?