No Contact vs Valentine's Card

[photomo]

I know it's a little early to be thinking about Valentine's day...but thinking about it early should give me long enough to decide what I want to do....

 

Brief summary on situation: 6 year relationship, she left me 3 months ago, have been doing NC for 9 days so far....

 

So, my question is should I still send her a Valentine's card if we are doing NC? Part of me wants to, just to let her know that I'm still there for her...I hate to think that she may receive a card from someone else and not from me......But then part of me (perhaps the stronger part of me) says I shouldn't send her a card to emphasise that I am really serious about the whole NC situation, and that maybe it will make her feel insecure that I may be moving on....

 

I guess I've still got a month to think about it...and if we haven't made contact by Valentine's day, maybe I will have stronger opinions about what I'll do.

 

It would still be interesting to hear your opinions, however...

 

Thanks,

 

photomo

[ocrob]

I say that you do not send it. You have gone such a short time of NC and even by then, it seems too soon. She knows you care about her and by not sending the card I think you are sending a good message.

[nataliejulie]

Tricky. V-Day is a romantic holiday made by Hallmark. I think it would be a bad idea to send a card, because it makes it clear what your intentions still are.

 

Anyway, by that time rolls around and you are still doing NC, I doubt you will even consider it.

[Dako]

Try to get through that horrible day without thinking of her. It's just another day.

 

That day happens to be my 25th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, we're getting a divorce, so I plan to make it a day without feelings, even it it involves mass amounts of beverages, cigars and suppressed bitterness.

[texasman123]

I say definitely do not send it. Make her have to think about you this v-day and how great it would be to be together on such a day. and if she is with someone else than the card would be a wasted gesture anyway. either way you come out on top by not sending it, so that should be your answer...

[BellaDonna]

I agree with the others- I don't think you should send it.

 

Birthdays and Holidays are times that can trick and weaken you during NC- but stay strong. Don't use holidays as an excuse to betray your dignity.

 

Use Valentine's day as an oppurtunity to do something good for YOURSELF.

 

 

BellaDonna

[annie24]

Another vote for "don't send it."

 

No contact means no contact!!! In fact, maybe not hearing from you on Valentine's day will make her miss you....

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Yet another vote for not sending it. REALLY bad idea. I'm of the thinking if someone leaves you they have to come back to you. If you pursue them, how do you know they'll still stay? After all, you made it so easy for them to come back, it's like a permission slip to run.

[Royltnxile]

Don't do it. 9 days of NC? Forgive me, but that's pretty laughable in itself. She ran from you, let her run. She knows how you feel. Don't give her the ego boost of getting some sappy and kind remarks from you on Valentines Day. She doesn't deserve them. Why not see if SHE sends YOU a Vday remembrance? The key is to let her think that she has lost you for real, and for good. Let her think you could care less, because that's the only thing that might register with her and prompt her into reconsidering trying again with you. A Vday card will do nothing but send her the signal that you are still on the "hook", and will reassure you that there is no need for her to worry about what YOU are doing, because a card would tell her that you are doing nothing except sitting around pining for her...thus boosting her ego, and you don't want to do that.

[Dako]

No See's candy either.

[coooolsome]

I agree, dont do anything b/c you will regret it. What if you send a card and she doesnt reply, how will that make you feel. What if she does reply but not in the way you want? You will do nothing but set yourself back. She will get the card and know you are waiting for her and she has to do nothing. Let her chase you, not the other way around. She got rid of you, you have to let her come to you.

[lonelyfish]

No See's candy either.

 

I love See's candy! I would rather buy it for myself than give it to my ex!

[Dako]

I'm fighting the urge to give my ex her usual box of See's truffles for our 25th anniversary on the 14th. After all, I'll never have another 25th.

 

Did you know Mary See is Chinese? Look at her picture really close.

[curlygirl47]

I'll be the lone voice saying send the card if you want to. According to "How to Get Your Lover Back," by Blaise Harris, PhD, who is a counselor who successfully loved his ex back to him when she had left him for someone else and who has also seen his strategies work with others he has counseled, it is appropriate to send cards on holidays, but just don't write much other than a short note (i.e. love, John or Hope all is going well.) Don't write I love you or anything like that if the person is all too well aware of that. Let it be light, and give the person a chance to just appreciate you without any pressure.

 

Harris's golden rule (paraphrased): Any contact that creates a pleasurable moment without applying pressure to your ex is a good thing.

[Dako]

Mr. Harris's professional opinion may lack ojectivity, since he is the subject of his clinical study.

[annie24]

I'll be the lone voice saying send the card if you want to. According to "How to Get Your Lover Back," by Blaise Harris, PhD, who is a counselor who successfully loved his ex back to him when she had left him for someone else and who has also seen his strategies work with others he has counseled, it is appropriate to send cards on holidays, but just don't write much other than a short note (i.e. love, John or Hope all is going well.) Don't write I love you or anything like that if the person is all too well aware of that. Let it be light, and give the person a chance to just appreciate you without any pressure.

 

Harris's golden rule (paraphrased): Any contact that creates a pleasurable moment without applying pressure to your ex is a good thing.

 

Well, this isn't any old holiday (like Christmas or her birthday), this is Valentine's Day! A day for lovers and sweethearts. She has told him she doesn't want to be his sweetheart anymore, so IMO, she needs to deal with the consequences now.

 

The problem is that this opens the floodgates. Then, she writes back to his card, and says "thanks" and then he spends the next 2 weeks wondering what she meant when she said, "I hope you are well." It's going to mess with his head more than it's going to help get her back.

 

I've had an ex come back, and it was after a long period (3 years!) of no contact. He didn't come to me because I was sending him cards, he came back because he missed me out of his life. (BTW, I didn't take him back!!!)

[annie24]

I'm fighting the urge to give my ex her usual box of See's truffles for our 25th anniversary on the 14th. After all, I'll never have another 25th.

 

Did you know Mary See is Chinese? Look at her picture really close.

 

You never know!!! You could meet someone next year, and you two could be happy little old people together, well into your 90s, with dentures and all!!!

[curlygirl47]

However, I'll stick with Harris's plan because it helps the dumpee become a stronger and more positive person all around ---and helps him/her learn to love 100%. And, here's the weird thing. I have an ex who wants to get me back, and even though I know he's doing what the book says, it still works! I haven't gone back to him yet, and I might not, but he's managed to keep my interest and stay in my life for a long time now. And there is still the possbility that I may go back to him in the long run because he has loved me 100% and not turned me off or become cold. In other words, he could have ruined any possibility of getting back with me by treating me cruel or coldly; my personality is such that I would never respond to that and would never call him back.

 

By the way, in case you think I'M cold or cruel to keep this guy hanging on, I've tried several times to cut off all contact with him and encouraged him over and over to date other people and fall in love, etc. He just hasn't been ready to do that.

[redandblack]

However, I'll stick with Harris's plan because it helps the dumpee become a stronger and more positive person all around ---and helps him/her learn to love 100%. And, here's the weird thing. I have an ex who wants to get me back, and even though I know he's doing what the book says, it still works! I haven't gone back to him yet, and I might not, but he's managed to keep my interest and stay in my life for a long time now.

 

After much thought, I'm not really sure what you mean by this (harris' plan, what did your ex do?, etc). Care to elaborate?

[NR498E]

Yea, I wanna know to.

[annie24]

I'll be the lone voice saying send the card if you want to. According to "How to Get Your Lover Back," by Blaise Harris, PhD, who is a counselor who successfully loved his ex back to him when she had left him for someone else and who has also seen his strategies work with others he has counseled, it is appropriate to send cards on holidays, but just don't write much other than a short note (i.e. love, John or Hope all is going well.) Don't write I love you or anything like that if the person is all too well aware of that. Let it be light, and give the person a chance to just appreciate you without any pressure.

 

Harris's golden rule (paraphrased): Any contact that creates a pleasurable moment without applying pressure to your ex is a good thing.

 

I think this is what is meant by "The harris plan."

[photomo]

I'll be the lone voice saying send the card if you want to. According to "How to Get Your Lover Back," by Blaise Harris, PhD, who is a counselor who successfully loved his ex back to him when she had left him for someone else and who has also seen his strategies work with others he has counseled, it is appropriate to send cards on holidays, but just don't write much other than a short note (i.e. love, John or Hope all is going well.) Don't write I love you or anything like that if the person is all too well aware of that. Let it be light, and give the person a chance to just appreciate you without any pressure.

 

Harris's golden rule (paraphrased): Any contact that creates a pleasurable moment without applying pressure to your ex is a good thing.

 

OK, so it appears to be a pretty much unanimous decision not to send a card, other than the above quote....

 

Yes, I agree that Valentine's day should be about ME...why should I send her a card if I know I'm not going to get one back, or any response?

 

However, I also think that maybe sending a card with some "distant" text (ie, "Happy Valentine's Day......Love Tom" and nothing else) would be polite and a nice gesture.....maybe not sending one would be arrogant, and she may think that I'm hating her.....

 

I don't know....I'll see how the NC goes for the next month.....then make my mind up then.

[curlygirl47]

... But I think it might really touch your ex if she gets a card from you that just says you're thinking of her and doesn't ask for anything. An ex of mine who wants me back sends me notes like that, occasionally, and they really do touch me. The other day I actually cried when I got an e-mail that just said, "I miss you, beauty, and your silly crack feet." Now, that sounds crazy to you, but he used to joke that I moved my feet a lot when I was sleeping, and apparently people on crack do that, too --- I wouldn't know. Anyway, the point is he loved me the way I was, with my silly ways and flaws. Another time he wrote, "This morning I mowed greens weeping." (He works as a groundsman at a golf club). He wept because he had lost me. You get the idea. He doesn't write much, but what he writes is so powerful and real that it makes me realize how amazing he is. In case you're wondering, yes, I do think about going back to him. I haven't decided because there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then. But it's pretty hard to resist beautiful, kind, and loving words from a beautiful, kind, and loving person who knows you and accepts you. He doesn't call me, track me down, beg for my attention, etc. He just lets me know that I am loved and missed. When I asked him recently if he had met anyone or fallen in love, he wrote back, "I don't see love anywhere in sight. She moved to South Carolina like a brave little soldier." He knew that it took tremendous courage for me to move away, so he commented on that. So --- hey --- do what you want. It might make her day, especially if she doesn't get a Valentine from any of the machos she's hoping to hear from.

[Frangipani]

Valentines is a waste of time anyway. Such a commerical load of crap!!

 

People should do loving things for each other all THROUGHOUT the year, not just on one stupid day. Don't send the card. It will come accross as being desperate.

 

I just sent my ex a birthday day card, but all I said was, "Hope you have a great day. Happy 33rd." (signed with my name). He appreciated it, but I never said anything loving. Birthday's are important days. Valentin'es is just a big NOTHING as far as I'm concerned. Always has been for me.

[shes2smart]

I'm fighting the urge to give my ex her usual box of See's truffles for our 25th anniversary on the 14th. After all, I'll never have another 25th.

 

Did you know Mary See is Chinese? Look at her picture really close.

 

Hey, if you are still feeling the urge to buy that box of See's truffles you could always buy it and just send it to me.

 

As for the Valentine card question, add another vote to the "don't do it" crowd.

 

If I had broken up with someone and they sent me a Valentine card...it would -- at best -- irritate me. Not really the reaction you'd hope for from a Valentine greeting.