Sitting here wishing I was stronger or braver

[egirl2005]

](*,) I'm sitting at my computer at 11:30 at night because I can't shut off my thoughts. Some nights I can't sleep because I am trying to talk myself into staying with my husband and other nights (like tonight) I'm talking myself out of staying with him. I found out last March 5 that my husband of 13 years was having an affair with a woman in his office. It broke my heart...he had been rejecting? ignoring me sexually for years.

 

I'm not a perfect person but I know right down to my soul that I would never, no matter how bad things got have had an affair. In the last 11 months I know I have made mistakes in how I handled things but I honestly feel I have tried everything.

 

He left our home in March and didn't come back until July.

He will not leave his job, he says he's looking for one but not really hard.

He refused to go to counselling for the longest time and said he would not live his life on a leash; he tells me it happened, he doesn't know why, he sorry, get over it.

When I finally did get him to go to counselling he started calling her on his cell phone again; 41 times in 30 days and he sees her at work. When I asked him why, he says they are helping each other through a hard time.

I found out that he has been with her at least twice since July, he says both times were after I had said I thought it was over. He had the right to go to her because I did feel it was over but I don't think he had the right to come back, lie about where he was and make me think that he really wants to save this marriage. He keeps pulling me back in with guilt and a little bit of kindness, pardon me, I keep letting him pull me back in. I think because I am afraid!

 

The guilt comes from the fact that we have a 7 year old son and I am afraid this will ruin his life.

 

My husband and I have not made love, had sex since August 2004 his choice, he says he just doesn't feel that way about me right now, or he doesn't know how to make the first move. I don't even know if I could respond because so much has been said and done. I can't get pictures of them out of my head.

 

I loved my husband flaws and all. He had a quick temper but he never hit people, he's a little arrogant but I always thought he had reason because he was smart and attractive. He was a good provider and a good father. No he did not fulfill my needs sexually but I thought he had a low sex drive and since he never fooled around I learned to live with it. I was proud to call him my husband and he knew that, I never disrespected him.

 

I don't see him that way anymore. I now see that he uses that quick temper to get what he wants; he knows I don't handle anger well so when I'm saying something he doesn't want to hear he pretends I'm not making sense and gets angry so I will back down.

 

That touch of arrogance is more than a touch, he said to me that I only think of myself, that I am ruining my son's life while continuing to call this woman from our home while my son and I are in bed asleep. In July when he came home he bought himself a new BMW and a $2000.00 laptop. We owe $40,000.00 on our line of credit! When he is trying to be nice to me he acts like a 15 year old, poking at me, making fun of me, then he says that's he way. I guess I don't like his way very much anymore. He has never given me cards to say sorry or flowers. He has never said he will do anything not to lose me or our son.

 

It's been about a week and a half since he's called her (at least on our cell phones) I don't know if he's found another way to contact her or if she's away. He still doesn't kiss me, hug me, touch me or tell me he loves me and when I ask him why he says because I don't to him. I tried several times over the last 11 months only to be rejected again and again. I can't make that first move again and I have tried to explain this to him.

 

I have worked with a counsellor and we discovered that the reason I am having a hard time leaving is that I promised myself that I would never abandon anyone the way I felt abandoned growing up. (long story short, my father was an acoholic who beat my mom, she left when I was 18 and didn't tell me where she was going or take me with her) I am not happy and I don't think I will ever be happy again and that's not like me. I used to be a very positive person, I over came my history. I have a relationship with both my father and mother. I am very angry with my husband and this woman for what they have done to my life and I hate the lack of control I have over what they do. I feel like a coward because I can't find the strength to move in any direct at the moment but (I know it's petty) but I don't want that witch to win and I don't want to have to share my son with her.

 

I really don't like myself right now.

[melrich]

Ok those are some big issues going on there.

 

I am not happy and I don't think I will ever be happy again

 

You have to lose this attitude first. I could tell you my story but it would take too long. Suffice to say I, and many people I know have felt this way before but have gone on to find great happiness. So don't talk yourself into thinking this is as good as it gets and there is nothing better out there for you.

 

This marriage has gone beyond counselling or repair. It reads to me like it was lost probably 2 or 3 years ago. So steel yourself and make a decision to get out of it. Let your family know and get their support.

 

You are right to be concerned about the impact on your son. Divorce is hard on kids....but they do get over it...much quicker than they get over living in an unhappy household. Your son will find his own relationship with each of you.

 

Start making plans to leave or kick him out. Try and think of every scenario, from how much money you'll need to what the new living arrangements will be. Plan it, document it. Things will start to seem much more do-able.

 

Leave telling your husband until you have your plans firmly in place. Your goal with him should be to make sure your relationship with him is as amicable as can be, you will still have to deal with him on matters of finance and to do with your son.

 

The first year or two will be harder than you can probably imagine now. Divorce impacts not only the couple but their family and circle of friends. Be consistent and ensure that you have a trusted and close support group. Lean on them.

 

There is nothing for you in this marriage, there is no joy for your son. I think in your heart you know what you have to do so get proactive. Prepare yourself for a tough time but know you will come out of it happier and stronger.

 

Lean on members here if it helps. There is always someone to lend a sympathetic ear.

 

I have stuck your post for 24 hours as you have posted in a quiet time and I am sure there are many members who will want to offer you their support.

[Dako]

Melrich is giving you sound, caring advice.

 

Break that promise you made to never abandon anyone. You obviously had no idea how far things would get distorted in your marriage. Your husband isn't holding to any promises, from what I read in your post.

 

There are multiple reasons to leave this relationship. Most people would flee after an affair, lack of intimacy, abandonment for months at a time, huge consumer debt or just his lack of respect. Not all of them, but just one issue is reason to leave.

 

I'm critical of the casual use of the term abuse, but this qualifies in my book. You deserve respect, but no awards for letting him walk all over you.

 

Please take steps to live free of this guy's influence.

People will help you. Let them.

 

If you need strength, think of who you want your son to emulate. He needs a loving home without knowing the misery you already feel.

You can also draw courage from this forum. There will doubtless be an outpouring of concern from my fellow members in days to come. If their advice makes sense to you, draw power from them to help make good decisions.

 

You can do this, one step at a time.

[Tigris]

I'm sorry but this relationship looks as though it died a long time ago like Melrich says. It's not a healthy position for you or your son to be in. You say you aren't the same person you used to be, that sounds to me like you are suffering from depression.

 

You can once again become the person you used to be, a person that will be fun to be around for your son. It only takes time!

 

Good luck and take care.

[Frangipani]

It will not ruin your sons' life. It only will if you let it. I come from a divorced family and I always understood what had happened with parents because they did'nt sugarcoat anything.

 

Mum told me that she and dad just didn't love one another anymore and that if they stayed in the same house, they would fight and that that would not be nice for any of us. I was 10, but I undestood. The other thing was, my parents NEVER fobbed me off with excuses if I ever asked them things about the break-up. They ALWAYS had time for me, not matter how often I asked the 'whys' and 'ifs'.

 

He will be fine, as song as you are honest with him.

[Confused1981]

It must b so difficult for a mother to move on, and im trying to understand this with my problem, with my lover, i think its important what makes u happy, a happy home is better for ur child than an unhappy environment!!!

 

Just my thoughts!!

[Vanilla]

my sister got cheated on right after she gave birth. her husband left her, came back and left again, and came back again. Within the first year of her first and only child being born, she packed her bags and left. My mother did the same with 3 children and not a dime in her pockets after my father cheated on her.

 

Like the above posters said, they believed it was better to get away than to stay and have the children see the suffering.

 

I encourage that because it has taught me to always respect myself above all else and that if you have one kid or 3, it doesnt matter, you can still make it. Growing up I saw empowered confident women, and I am SO greatful for those examples.

 

Think of the examples you want to set for your kids.

 

Staying for the sake of the children can do more harm than good.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

Oh my, what a very heartbreaking story. Many hugs to you. I have to say Melrich and the others have given you very good advice so I don't have much more advice for you. Only that you are not alone...there is SO much suppport here, this site is awesome.

 

But I agree with the others here, leave this man or kick him out. I know you promised yourself you would never abandon anyone but you should make that promise only to those who deserve it. Your husband does not. Your son will only be hurt if you continue to stay in this marriage and continue thinking you will never be happy or find happiness again. You deserve to be happy. Also, I agree that marriage is beyond repair...plus your husband's attitude is horrible and very poor. So no type of counseling is going to help at this point. Counseling for yourself like you have been is great. You will find happiness...it's just not with your husband.

 

Again, I am so sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine what this has been like for you. But there is so much support here...check in here often. Let us know how you are doing. Hugs.

[Bethany]

He's turning it around and blaming you because he cannot face what he has done and deep down doesn't want it to stop. He keeps going back to her because you, by staying and weakening by feeling guilty etc, are letting him and that's why it goes on and on.... HE needs to make that decision that it's YOU or HER. He cannot have both.

 

For you at this time, you have to force his hand and be strong and give him that dreaded ultimatum that you cannot face either for fear of losing him. By not giving him that ultimatum, he will continue to walk over you and your son's feelings for as long as he wants.

 

You need to recognise that it's your fear, anxiety and indecision that keeps you awake at night. Once you have made that decision to do what's best for you, you will strenghten, your mind will be made up and your thoughts will clear. That decision needs to come from deep inside you and once you have made it, you need to stick to it because you know it's the right thing for YOU and your son.

 

A useful tip for stopping your thoughts at night is to think STOP and then listen to outside noises.

[coollady1957]

I dont have alot of further advice for you. I agree with what everyone is saying here to you. The negative home life would be worse for you and your son if you decide to remain with this man. I believe you can be strong enough to remove you and your son from the situation and will in time, have a better life. I hope all goes well for you.

[BellaDonna]

Keep in mind- every day you spend with him- being mistreated and feeling unhappy is a day that you abandon YOURSELF- your hopes, your happiness- your dreams- your dignity- your self-esteem- your beauty...robbed.

 

You are afraid of leaving him- but don't you see you are leaving yourself in the cold- giving up on life, each day you stay?

 

Keep in mind that children are very very smart and in tune with their parents emotions. Your son knows more about your unhappiness and inner turmoil than you think he does. I'm sure it hurts him to see his mom so down. You don't want him to grow up to be like his dad. It's sad to put it that way- but I think it's true. Would you want him to think that relationships do not include affection...that it's ok to get angry all the time and have a bad temper? Is it ok for him to think that a woman (or man) should put up with being treated badly? Because that's what he sees right now.

 

If you left your husband- your son can still see his dad- but maybe his dad will actually appreciate him more then. Because right now your husband is disrespecting not only you- but also your son- by his current behavior. He's taking it all for granted.

 

Listen to your heart. It's ok to give up on people sometimes- if they've hurt you enough. You've tried everything possible to save your marriage. Your husband does not have the desire to change anything. He had many chances. So if he continues to act like this- then view it as him LEAVING the relationship himself- and not you abandoning him. It's not your fault ,hun. You tried hard. You've been more than patient- more than dedicated, more than self-less. You've held up your end of the vows. At some point you have to let go if it becomes detrimental to your own health and well-being.

 

 

I really don't like myself right now.

 

Of course you don't- he's taught you to feel worthless with the cheating and rejection. But the good news is that this can all change if you remove his negativity from your life.

 

BellaDonna

[Shadows Light]

Look you've done all you can do. Sometimes its out of your hands and beyond your control.

 

Both of you are at a stalemate. And this is no way to live. You are only existing. Not living.

 

I made the same vows. I vowed to keep my family together at all costs. I exhuasted all my options. And I was still unhappy. My husband KNEW about my promises to myself. And he used them against me. He thought he had a "FREEBEE" card and could use it to his advantage. When I would threaten and tell him that my options were exhausted... that i couldn't take much more.. he'd throw it back in my face.."Yep, I ALWAYS KNEW you'd leave me. I knew one day you'd walk"... and that unnerved me. Made me feel like a loser.

 

He also made me feel as if I was garbage. He did me a favor. No one wanted me. He made me what I was. I was nothing before him. My self esteem took a huge plunge. To the point that I could care less about my looks, myself.... I just did for my family. I did what I was supposed to do.

 

Our blowups..and my unhappiness did affect the kids. Kids know more than we give them credit for. They sense it. Wish all my preoccupation with my marriage, problems, work, home etc... the kids were gettng put on the side lines. And is that fair??????

 

It is a hard step to take. I won't deny it. And I've been fighting him every step of the way. Nothing has changed from me in terms of work... I still have it all on my shoulders. But I'm less resentful of him. He's not underfoot for me to be resentful. And since I see him infrequently.. the blow ups are more tolerable.

 

Kids. Kids are resiliant. My oldest is now 7. And doing great. Sign your son up for a divorce support group for kids at school or a local church. it is wonderful.

 

I never let my kids see me cry. I don't let my kids hear the earguments. I don't let them see me falter. I'm making it. One day at a time. with the help of my family... and a few close friends. I am making it. And getting better each day.

 

You can do this. You just have to be mindful and planful. As KayRay said... get your thoughts down on paper. Figure out your finances. Figure out your needs. Talk to your family. Talk to your mother. Lean on close friends.

 

For your sons sake.. you need to get your head around this. Allowing it to go on and on and on... is not going to make it go away.

 

Continue to go to counseling. Find yourself a divorce and separation support group.

 

You are definitely NOT ALONE in this. I am still surprised daily how many people I run into who are divorced... or have daughters who are like me... with kids and single. Amazed at the support I get from a stranger when I just tell them... "I'm a single mom"... I never thought I'd utter those words. Nor say them without being ashamed and feeling like a failure.

 

I AM NOT A FAILURE. Because I have a responsibility to my kids to teach them that women are strong. And that LOVE doesn't hurt. I don't want them growing up thinking Love is hurtful. That marriage is a jail term. I grew up thinking that... and yes.. like you.. made vows. But you know... it doesn't HAVE to be that way. Marriage and a loving relationship can happen. It just takes 2 people to keep it afloat and be mindful. YOU married into a partnership. YOU do not have a partnership right now. Its just you.

 

My X is like your husband in that he is ARROGANT. and Passive aggressive. He knew how to manipulate. How to turn things to his advantage and how to make me tick. I know the pain you are going through. Its called.. ."CRAZY MAKING"....

 

There's a book by PATRICIA EVANS called.. "The dance of Intamacy" she also wrote another called the "dance of anger"... give them a read. They are pretty good at showing you why you are the way you are... and why its so difficult for you to break vows to yourself.

 

The other woman. Its not a matter of her winning or losing. Its your HUSBAND who is at fault. You forget.. she may be hearing a whole OTHER story from him. His perspective on it. And I wouldn't doubt that they started out as friends and helped each other through rough spots. Let it go. He fell in love with you and you are a descent person. I'm sure she is at heart a descent person to. If he broke his marriage vows... its on him. Not her.

 

I know Dr. Phil is a bit hokey at times. But I really liked a few things he had to say in relationship rescue book. He said.. the difference between a friendship and a relationship... marriage is level of intimacy. Right now it doesn't sound like you guys are even ... FRIENDS.. much less lovers. He also goes on to say that in a friendship.. we set boundaries. There are just certain things you would not put up with in a friendship... so why in the heII would you put up with it in a marriage???? If its unacceptable in a friendship.. what makes it acceptable in a marriage????? what gives someone the right to TAKE away from your self-esteem??? doesn't friendship build. Isn't an intimate relationship.. a marriage supposed to build???? what I see here is TEARING down.

 

Think about it. If he was "JUST" an aquintance... would you put up with this kind of BS... or would you put your foot down and call him on it?????

 

I think... you've done everything that is within your Control of doing. And now you are faced with a choice. EXIST... and walk on pins and needles wondering if he'll walk at any minute.. or not come home one night. OR LIVE.. take the reigns of your life in your hands and not let him have to power to hurt you anymore.

 

Get your backbone up. If you can go through childbirth.. there isn't anything you can't handle. You can do what you have to do. It isn't going to be pretty... but you'll feel your feet on the ground again. And you'll be a better mother for it. Stronger. In control of your destiny.. instead of at its mercy.

 

Keep posting. Keep venting. It helps.

 

[egirl2005]

Thank you all for your support and advice, it means more to me then you will ever know.

 

You are right, this isn't my fault and I can't stay with him just too keep other people happy or because other people will think I gave up to easily.

 

Shadows Light thank you, what you said about the level of intimacy in a relationship it really made me think. I feel like I can be his friend but nothing more at this point even if he know bent over backwards the trust is gone.

 

And as terrible as it sounds I do not want my son to grow up to be like him. I want my son to grow up like me! I person who is willing to do anything for the people they love (even sacrifice there own needs from time to time), a person who is willing to work on problems not just bury them under a rug, a person who is strong enough to stand on their own two feet and take care of themselves.

 

I can't agree with you about the other woman. I think we let the other parties off to easily in these situations. This woman knew he was married, she had met my son and I and she is 7 years our senior with 4 kids. She is also separated from her husband because he messed around on her so she's been through this and choose to put another woman and child through this. Deal breaker in my book, I could never put another person through what I'm going through.

 

Thank you again for listening to me and I will let you know how I'm doing.

 

Love to all!

[Relationship Coach]

eGirl,

I really feel for you and I went through a similar experience myself years ago. I thought I was bullet proof because I am a Life Coach and my primary focus is relationships. Ouch, what a blow! I guess it's like a doctor being stricken with cancer, some things happen no matter how many lives you've saved, you never think it's going to happen to you!

 

From the bottom of my heart I will tell you this, you are not abandoning anyone. Your husband chose to risk your marriage and your family by committing adultery. Adultery is considered by many religions as an acceptable reason for divorce. You have pretty much done everything possible to save your marriage and I think that you are stronger than you may think. The time has come for you to take action and insulate yourself, get an attorney. Figure out what you need to re-start your life, make a list and I would put the laptop and BMW right at the top.

 

Your immediate concern is to make sure your needs as well as your sons are taken care of so you can focus on healing. Your son may need additional support in understanding what is happening to his family. I know many school systems offer a counseling program called "Banana Splitz", it's a group class once a week that helps children understand divorce and also realize that they are not alone or different from many of their classmates. There are some great books which will also help you help him with this.

 

Many have battled through this as I have and have gone on to live very happy lives. I know that right now, that seems virtually impossible but it's true. Some of the most beautiful places I have visited in this world were places that were once ravaged and destroyed by fire only to come back stronger and more beautiful than ever. You will survive this and everyone here will be with you as long as you need us. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in life but in order for this to happen you have to start by taking control and find an attorney you are comfortable with. I wish you the best of luck and 24/7 someone is here for you.

 

RC

[meme]

Are you sure you are over your childhood? You have put up with quite a bit. You might find Al-anon helpful and healing.

 

If your husband has starved you from physical intimacy, I can only imagine how much emotional intimacy you shared. When he spends money as he did for himself, what does it deprive you of?

 

You have a chance here for a better life. Do you want your son to think its okay to not respect his wife? Do you want him to grow up with a mother who is depressed? What will happen to you emotionally if you stay in this situation, and how will those emotions end up coming out and impacting your actions?

 

Sometimes its okay to let go. You are not abandoning your child. Your marriage has died, and your husband doesn't seem interested in it. I know you said never ever, but was that fair to yourself? You can't control your husbands actions. But you can control what you do, and set boundries. Set what feels like respect-- he can't call her, he has to do counseling, you have to have time set to work on marriage, no big spending without discussion, no yelling, whatever it means to you. And if he wont do it, then you know. He isn't interested in improving your marriage.

 

I had a husband who wouldnt go out with me, didn't want to spend time with me, spent wildly in order to find some sort of happiness or satisfaction, and a whole bunch of much nastier stuff. But I still felt like I needed some golden ticket for it to be okay. Now I wonder, why did I feel like I deserved so little? Why did I not feel I deserved basic respect in the relationship? Part of it was that I did not like the choices, I did like that I had no control over what happened, I felt sure that if I was nice and good he would snap out of it.