Something happened and I don't get it

[Max1]

Now I must really vent! I just typed the most heartfetl, thought out post and it was deleted! AAHHHHH! Anyway, I have posted several times on by breakup and the heart-ache I've been facing. Today, sitting at the computer, I've realized how much I have lost. I miss my ex more than anything and I'm confused as to why I feel this way. I should hate him for what he has done. I gave him my trust and most importantly I trusted him with my heart. I have never loved someone before. I know that this is the way it is. We are over and will never be together again. But I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he ever thinks about getting everything we had back. I just don't understand where it all came from. Saturday we are happy as can be and Sunday it is all over. My world fell before my eyes so quickly. With one arrogant comment everything ended. I don't understand how if someone can be that in-love and be that committed how can they just let go like that. I feel like I was lied to the entire time and he used me to unsuccessfully get over his ex. And for some unknown reason that I can not grasp I want it all back. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and see him snoring. Not a white wall, or as much as I love my dog,my dog, but him. I want to see him. I want to have my life back. I don't want to live at my mothers. I don't want to move into this appartment and start over from scratch. I want my house back, my family back and my heart back.

 

I know that most of this probably stems from the loneliness filling me. I don't have any friends and my family is no help. I don't have anyone to rely on anymore. I lost everything in one fell swoop. I want it all back. I just don't get how everything can turn upside down so quickly. I have been on anti-depressants and talking to someone but I don't feel as if anything is working. Instead I feel worse as the days go by. I know that I will be happy someday, i will have friends and someday someone to love but I just want my life back right now. I often wonder what he thinks about when he is laying in bed alone at night and If he is even alone. I want to wake up in the night and see him, not the wall. I know i could over analyze everything, like I have, and see that things were falling apart on his end slowly through out time. But right now I feel like a three year old stomping my feet saying, "this isn't fair". I had an awsome boyfriend, bestfriend, friends, family and home. A great life. Something happened and i don't get it. I've never had something that good. It came so fast and left so quickly. I wish I could have it all back so badly. My mind says that I will be okay and life will get better when my heart just aches so badly for what I lost.

[melrich]

Hi Max1,

 

Where did all your friends go?

[Max1]

I've never really had any friends. I don't really understand why either. That's something I'm working on trying to figure out. Instead of another guy in my life I would rather work on the friends issue, thats one thing I know for sure. But my friends were his friends. All mutual. Mostly of course, met through him during the past 3 years. But they were still counted as friends. They all just, I guess you could say, took his side. I don't like putting it that way, but once the break-up occurred no one called and no one has answered phone calls from me. I moved around a lot during school and never had any friends for more than a few months growing up. I never really got any after high school either. I've tried but I've gotten tired. I feel as if I've always been the one making the phone call and never recieving any. I'm sure I did but there was always a reason to never talk to the particular person. I guess now I'm paying for being so rude to people in the past. Now that I truly need someone I have no one.

[sweetheart230]

I feel lonley too sometimes. I used to miss my ex a lot. I know that when you feel this way, you just want to be happy, but you just don't know how to do it. I have learned I have to start reaching out to people more and not being afraid of rejection so much.

 

I would say, start by doing things you enjoy. Maybe pick up a hobby or something, or take a class at a community college of something that interests you. Figure out what makes you happy and what you enjoy. Do things that involve other people. Instead of watching TV, go read a book at the bookstore or coffee shop. Go to a gym or learn a new sport. Volunteer. Talk to strangers. I tmight not turn into anything, but its nice to connect with people.

 

As for missing your ex, it just kind of has to run its course. I broke down a million times before I reached the point that I am now. I still want to see him sometimes and I remember getting to a point when I was actually proud of myself for not thinking about him until 11AM. But it gets better. He was my first love (I hate admitting i felt that way about him). IF you do some of the things I mentioned and make yourself happy, it will be far more easier. You'll have your ups and down, but you will push through it.

[newts]

You said you where best friends etc... something pretty dramatic must have happened for you to suddenly break up so quickly and for his friends to take his side.

 

Max, you will have to give us a little bit more information as to why you broke up before we can truly help you.

[Max1]

I'm sorry I didn't leave much info as to why the split occurred. On my birthday I he told me that he had been speaking to his ex again. I wasn't happen with that at all. I would have been somewhat okay with it if I hadn't had reasons to doubt this "friendship" of theirs. I found pictures of her that I found to be unnecessary of him to have. They had been apart for a while but they were not of the two of them or her in the best "situations". I never minded pictures to keep the memories but I thought it was rude for him to have these still. I asked him to get rid of the ones I found insulting atleast and he put up a huge fuss over it. Adventually he supposedly did, but things had gotten somewhat tense between us since he started talking to her. Even before he told me I knew something was off but he always said it was okay. But he didn't show the same affection for me as he used to. He became very distant.

 

I had a horrible day on the day of our breakup and he was upset with me for my attitude. I admit I wasn't the greatest person to be around that day but he had to keep making little comments. He said I was misserable being there, living with him, and something was wrong with me. He wanted to take a break and thought I should get my own place. I felt that I was taken completely off guard and like my world was spinning out of control infront of me. Adventually anger took over and I yelled at him and told him of how horrible he was to me and how he used me to unsuccessfuly get over his ex. I truly felt and still feel that way. He would bring her up so often and compare us, and the way he acted with not wanting to get rid of certain pictures and how he snuch around verified that all for me. It hurt so badly and still does.

 

So that is it in a nut shell. I hate thinking about it more than anything. If I could erase my memories of him and that night I would. I feel in love with him and miss him than very suddenly to completely bitter towards him. I feel alone, hopeless, desperate and altogther awful. I'm sorry I am rambling, I just don't know how to easily explain things and get everything out.

[newts]

Max, I would say you finding out about the ex situation is probably a blessing in disguise. Someone who goes out with someone else and compares that person to the ex is still not truly over the ex, keeping pic's is o.k and you shouldn't feel threatened by somebodies past, however, he is again initiating contact with her which is not good for your relationship.

 

You may feel alone, bitter and upset at this very moment, however, you must get out and make an effort to make new friends and do something for yourself. Just accept this relationship is over and let him go back to his ex ( there are always reasons why people broke up in the first place - let him re live these past hurts with his ex, after he realises it's not what he wants he will probably replace the same situation with you e.g you have moved on and he still thinks about you and wants to be with whilst he is suppose to be in a committed relationship with someone else.

 

You don't deserve this, you need to get friends of your own and when you do, don't ever not make an effort just because you are in a relationship - relationships come and go - strong friendships will last forever.

 

As for his friends taking his side, obviously they weren't true friends to you, they were there for you for him only when you were in the relationship together.

 

BTW, was he initiating contact with his ex or was she?

Why did they break up?

[arwen]

Hey Max,

 

I am so sorry for your feelings. I can feel you are really lonely in this situation, I am glad you decided to come to enotalone. I hope we can be of help.

 

I think it's better this way, although it feels completely opposite. It could have been that he got into the relationship with you too soon. In fact, it would have been really disastrous for you to continue the relationship. I know it feels terrible, as if a piece of your heart has been ripped out.

 

It will get better for you, really. I think it's time to make friends now, even more than finding love. Friendship is a very essential ingredient of happiness. Did you have friends in the past, and how did you meet your bf? The way you meet a lover could just as well be a way to meet a friend, you know

 

Take care,

 

ilse