annie24 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I think sending a bunch of e-mails to a guy is fine when you've hit that stage in a relationship where you two are committed to each other and are having a good relationship. but... this is the "no-kiss" guy.... hmmm.... I don't know... too many red flags about him. Well, now, pull back and see how he responds. How is link removed going? I think it's a good idea to date others and try not to get fixated on any one guy as "the one." I tend to get fixated myself, but I keep reminding myself that it's his job to convince me that he's "the one." It's not my place to get really excited about him until he's shown to me over several months that he's a reliable and dependable guy.... Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 I can't even talk to my mom right now. She keeps asking what we did this weekend, did he come over & help me shovel today, has he seen the brochure I designed. It's just too painful & I know I'll start crying if I tell her about it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 We were on a basis of daily communication. He'd call me at least once a day. We'd had a great time together that day & everything seemed normal... up until he sent me home early. OK, I hate to say this, but everything didn't really seem normal, at least from my perspective... you two are grown adults, and you went on.... 6 dates with no kiss? And then after that, he didn't kiss you on the next date? Don't get me wrong, I think it's really good to go slow, but now it seems like he's putting the brakes on the relationship, not making things go slowly forward... There's going slowly, and then there's just not being that interested.... Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 OK. I'm going to quit wallowing & go read a funny book, maybe meditate, maybe take a nap. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 That's good!!! No more wallowing. When a guy is acting like this towards me, and I call my best friend, she always says, "Don't you have better things to think about, like, what color to pain your toenails?" If he's going to call, he'll call. Or if he isn't, oh well, his loss. You just take care of you, and be happy. Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Yep. He kissed me on date 6, then 9 through 13. (Yes, I'm a dork, I kept track.) He told me he was really attracted to me but he was too scared to go any faster. His actions (calling me daily, seeing me 3 or 4 times a week, making plans in advance) seemed to belie his words. I was trusting what he did & what he told me about his feelings for me. I tried to hear him about going slowly & I thought we were. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 But then he said he didn't want a relationship, right? And he's been going back online to that dating site.... Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Thanks Annie. Sorry I'm being such a pain about this. I just didn't see it coming, especially since he told me repeatedly how important I am to him, and we agreed that we'd be friends no matter what. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 He said he was confused & taking some time for himself, not to worry, he didn't want to lose my friendship but he wasn't ready for a serious relationship & he feels like I want a more committed relationship than he can give me. That he's still processing his past hurts (from his last girlfriend) and he needs to get a solid foundation under himself before he can pursue anything. He said "I'm not saying never, I'm just saying not now, if anyone's worth it, you are", and that he needs my friendship. He said it wasn't on me & to rest easy, and he'd call me in a day or two. I know... just keep re-reading this. So, he wants your friendship. Let me ask you, do you have any friends that you care about, but only talk to them only once every few weeks or months? Maybe that's what he means also... he wants to keep in contact, but only once every few weeks or months.... I do hope I'm wrong about this situation, but right now, I think it's just in your best interest to lay low, let him initiate the contact for now... Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 But then he said he didn't want a relationship, right? And he's been going back online to that dating site.... Yep. He went from "I want to take this slowly & build a healthy relationship" and "I'm not looking for anyone else, I don't think there's anyone out there who's better than you" to "I can't be in a romantic relationship with anyone right now". But he's obviously looking. Yep. The answer is so obvious, isn't it? I shouldn't be wasting so much time on this. I wish it didn't hurt so much. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 yeah, I feel your pain. I would be floored if that happened to me.... well, just know that you are one step closer to meeting the guy that's right for you. You'll meet new guys online.... Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 So, he wants your friendship. Let me ask you, do you have any friends that you care about, but only talk to them only once every few weeks or months? Maybe that's what he means also... he wants to keep in contact, but only once every few weeks or months.... Nope. I thought that if we went the friend route it would all be the same, except for no kissing and I'd pay for myself when we went out. Even if he's in his "cave", if he cared at all he'd make some tiny effort (a short call, a short email) to let me know everything is OK & he's still just processing stuff. He wouldn't want me to get upset about it. He'd also have called to see if I was OK after the snow storm. Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Thanks. I'm glad you understand! It's funny- I always assume that if things don't work out it's my fault somehow, that something in me wasn't good enough. I had a friend tell me that maybe the problem is that I'm too good... maybe a man doesn't want a high level of connection and intimacy with his partner... maybe he just wants to date someone who looks good & doesn't make him think too much. And yes, I've heard that every man we meet who isn't Mr. Right gets us one step closer to the one who is. I know I've improved a lot- I used to fall for men regardless of whether they were good for me, or shared the same views on important stuff like family, religion, & politics. At least I'm getting closer. This was a good one... we connected on all those levels. It might have been perfect... except for the tiny problem that he doesn't want me! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 I don't think that there's something wrong with you. In much the same way that some people like oranges, some people like apples. It's not that there's anything wrong with oranges if you like apples, just that it's a personal preference. What his deal is? I don't know. I have plenty of friends that I care about, but only talk to them once every few months, for whatever reason. Maybe he's still processing his last breakup and would rather date casually - a few people here, a few people there, rather than focus on any one relationship. Anyways, that's not your concern. That's his problem. I don't agree that men are looking for a pretty trophy. I think plenty of men want a connection and intimacy and all that but honestly, the "click" is really hard to find. It doesn't happen everyday. And just because you click with someone doesn't mean that they click with you. It's hard to know what will make you click, it's not a simple checklist. It seems, for whatever reason, that he didn't feel as strongly for starting a relationship with you as you did with him. And so it's better that things end now rather than 6 months down the road. And you never know! Maybe if you give him space and don't bother thinking of him for a while, he may just wake up one day and decide he's ready for a relationship. And at that point, he knows your number, he knows where to find you. Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Boy, I'm having some mood swings tonight! Now I'm having fun creating a second profile on link removed. Which is where one of his is posted... ha ha. And I was just re-reading his opening line, "I think most people like me because I'm honest to a fault." (That's making me laugh at the moment!) Anyway, I pulled myself out of that slump (thank you, with your help, and everyone else who's posted!) I'm sure I'll have more, but I'm going to enjoy this moment of actually feeling OK. Oh, and I agree that most men want that connection and intimacy... just that it's possible that some men don't, for whatever reason, so their relationship priorities are different. You are being so awesome. Thanks for talking me through this! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 LOL - yeah, I've met some of those "honest" guys online myself, and I know that that's the last thing those guys were!!! LOL - my bf said in his profile that "he likes to BS alot but he also likes to be sincere, depending on where and how you meet him." So far, he's the most honest guy I've ever dated!!! So... don't worry You'll meet someone better! Link to comment
Belle Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 It's funny- I always assume that if things don't work out it's my fault somehow, that something in me wasn't good enough. Smitten, I think before you consider dating someone seriously, you need to work on this self defeating thought. We believe what we tell ourselves and somewhere, someone told you that you weren't good enough and you've carried it over into your adult life. This will not attract the right guys to you. You need to spend some time building up your self esteem and changing those old negative tapes. It won't work if you want a good guy. I've been in your shoes and I can tell you that you can change but it takes a lot of work. Now, I know that even if I get hooked, I can walk away knowing that I deserve better if it doesn't work out. It's not a mantra anymore, it's self confidence. The more I believe it, the more men pursue me. It can happen for you too. Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Eeesh... I just lost the post I was writing! Yes, I've had those issues in the past, and there are still shadows of them in my life today, but I've worked on them a LOT. I went through a suicidal depression a couple of years ago. I really struggled with it, and if it hadn't been for my kids I would have just given up. But I realized I only had 2 choices- give up or get better- and the first choice wasn't an option, so I got better. It wasn't easy though, and it took my being open to ALL the resources available to me... therapy, medication, prayer, meditation, journaling, relying on friends & family, taking walks... I did everything I could to make friends with myself. I can honestly say that I like myself a whole lot today. Instead of the old negative tapes, I speak gently to myself. It's made a huge difference. Sometimes the old "I'm such an idiot, I'm such a jerk, I'm so stupid" thoughts come up, but I'm always able to catch them & reverse them. I've been really lucky. Anyway, I haven't been in a serious relationship for over 4 years. I've gotten much more peaceful with myself over these years- I don't feel like I'm empty or like there's a huge hole in my chest (like I used to). I'm sad about this, but yes, I'm walking away, with a fair amount of dignity. I haven't gone crying to him or begged him to be with me, I haven't driven past his house, and I haven't called him. I think I'm just in the process of accepting the situation- going through the stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance). And just allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling each moment. I know I deserve better, and that's why I'm able to be in this process of letting go. It's funny though, because I wasn't even looking for something serious when I met him. Guess that's good, 'cuz that's not what I got! I'm pretty content with my kids & my chickens & my dogs & cats. I'll probably grow old and be one of those crazy cat ladies, and then I'll be posting on an online cat-lovers support group about what kind of kitty litter I should buy! (I'll miss you guys though!) Link to comment
nikki blu Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 I can really relate to this situation...still dealing with it. It's so disappointing to connect with someone, only to have them throw up a wall and play disappearing acts. With a toe jammed in the door called "let's be friends" Be strong! Try not to obsess and listen to your intuition, it will protect you. Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Thanks Nikki! I'm sorry you're going through this, too. It's pretty inexplicable to me that a guy would want to turn his back on such a seemingly intense connection. It could mean that it was never there (although I know that's not the case here!), or else... geez... I don't know!!! I just found an old document a friend sent me ages ago about breaking up with class. My favorite suggestion is to "Move on so fast it'll make his head spin!" Feet, don't fail me now! Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Anyway, I have a feeling that this isn't over. Now that I'm feeling clear and relatively strong (right this second anyway!), I don't think he's going to be able to stay away from me. I don't think I'm being arrogant or indulging in denial, it's just a feeling I have. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. If that happens though, things will be much different. If he wants me, he can be the one who's trying to talk me into it. I've posted 2 really good profiles online (if I was a guy, I'd date me!)... I will be dating other men... and I will be having fun, with or without him. It's kind of cool. I've had so much downtime lately that I've gotten to do a lot of things I normally wouldn't. I crashed my regular computer this past week & had to give it to my ex-husband to fix, so I've been making do on an ancient Mac that I used years ago. So I was going through all my old files tonight & I found a book that I started writing a few years ago! I just re-read it, and it's GOOD. (I think!) I only have the introduction and the first 3 chapters written, but I think I might get going on it again. Who knows, maybe his disappearing act will be the catalyst to my becoming a famous author! Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 That's the spirit! You'll have to give us your pen name when you are done so we can all buy and put you on the bestseller list I would say even if he comes back, you really are careful to jump back....there are a lot of things that really don't add up or make sense...and in my experiences when that is the case, it's because something is really not right. Just some of his behaviour seems...odd. Even if he had not gotten the 6 emails (I agree, never do that unless you are established enough in the relationship that is part of your daily banter!) it is a bit strange he NEVER called in all those days anyway. It sucks, I know, I have been in those shoes of yours too, and it is confusing and painful, but you know, once I learned I WAS good enough, in fact I was spectacular, I really learned to say..hey, it was their loss. The one for me will KNOW just how worth it I am and will show me he wants to be with me. Anytime it's ALL pulling or chasing, it's a pretty good indication that you will have a hard time finding a stable, reciprocal, balanced, loving relationship. And...I love that he put up 'how honest' he is, because I had an ex I met online whom did JUST that too. He in fact would always tell me how he prided himself on his honesty...huh. Turns out he was not too honest with me! Sometimes those who have to boast the most, are the ones trying to hide.. Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 You'll have to give us your pen name when you are done so we can all buy and put you on the bestseller list Absolutely, dahlin'... I'll even send y'all some autographed copies! LOL! Sometimes those who have to boast the most, are the ones trying to hide.. ...YUP! Kind of like the man who says, "TRUST ME!" Those are invariably the proverbial wolves in sheep's clothing. Honest, trustworthy guys take those traits in themselves for granted, and prove themselves through actions, not words! Anyway, if he comes back, I'm setting some major boundaries. No more 9 hour dates. No more "hang out at my house & cuddle" dates. I'm thinking along the lines of meeting for coffee for an hour at Borders & then, "Oh gosh, look at the time! Sorry, I gotta run!" (I know, I'm prematurely strategizing! I just don't want to be caught off guard if he calls & fall back into "Sure, come right over, I'm your puppy dog & I've been waiting and waiting for you to call, YIPPEEE!" mode!!!) Link to comment
nikki blu Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 (I know, I'm prematurely strategizing! I just don't want to be caught off guard if he calls & fall back into "Sure, come right over, I'm your puppy dog & I've been waiting and waiting for you to call, YIPPEEE!" mode!!!) You are singing my song, girl! Put me in that book club! Link to comment
smittenkitten Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 LOL! Glad I'm not the only one. I mean, I'm not glad that you're going through it... just that I'm not alone! Link to comment
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