"Not Ready" or "Not Into Me?"- Another update on No-Kiss Guy!

[ocrob]

Hi Smitten,

 

I will give you the guy's perspective. I have gone NC with my ex for the last month. I really don't want to get close with anyone right now. I did meet a really cool woman that I was interested in and we have talked for a month and have seen each other two times. Both times were amazing and we were very affectionate. Although I am not ready for anything serious, I have been very persistent with her and it seems although she says everything I want to hear, she is not making the effort to see me. I have realized that if she really wants to see me, then she will. I am switching gears from interested to friends and will see where it goes. With that being said, I met a woman the other day and ended up having sex with her. I was honest from the beginning and told her I had been hurt and was not looking for anything. She was over last night and we had sex. She is very nice and I am very respectful, but I am pretty sure I do not have feelings for her. I have been completely honest, but wonder if I am going to put her in a bad situation. I guess my point is that if a guy likes you, he will want to see you. The other woman is the one I want to see. I guess we all just have to be respectful and understand that if someone wants to be with us, then they will make the effort. I guess I am on both sides. I don't the woman I hung out with last night likes me, but if she does, then she will be in your position. I guess we can only ask for honesty and hope the other person wants what we want. I am not leading the one woman on and I am pulling back from the one I am interested in. I honestly don't want a serious relationship, but you can't stop from liking someone. I would lay low with this guy and see what happens. I think it is good that he was honest and did not just try to have sex with you.

[Mjane]

I have gone NC with my ex for the last month. I really don't want to get close with anyone right now. I did meet a really cool woman that I was interested in and we have talked for a month and have seen each other two times. Both times were amazing and we were very affectionate. Although I am not ready for anything serious, I have been very persistent with her and it seems although she says everything I want to hear, she is not making the effort to see me. I have realized that if she really wants to see me, then she will.

 

Your message is very contradictory. You don't want anything serious, but you've met this great gal and have pursued her. She's probably not making a huge effort to see you because maybe you are sending her mixed messages. Your words say one thing, your actions say another.

Maybe this woman you liked wants a serious relationship with someone and since you've said you don't want to get close to anyone right now, why should she spend time getting to know someone who just wants casual contact?

It's just a theory I throw out there. Because I believe most women want to be in a relationship, even if they say they don't.

[smittenkitten]

That's an interesting perspective on Ocrob's situation Mjane. You might be right. We were all trying to figure out why she's sending mixed messages, but I hadn't thought of that.

[smittenkitten]

I'm still confused. This is day 11 of my not hearing from him. I know that the traditional wisdom is that he's just not into me- the thing is, I know he really liked me. He told me he liked me, he told me he loves spending time with me, he told me he could easily fall for me, but that right now isn't a good time. He said he wanted my friendship no matter what.

 

I just can't believe I haven't heard from him. Even if he decided we should just be friends, wouldn't he have called me by now to let me know? He said he didn't want to lose me. Isn't (almost) 2 weeks of no contact kind of a guaranteed way to lose someone?

 

Maybe he's just taking the easy way out so he doesn't have to decide anything. Maybe he's hoping I'll just disappear, thinking that if he doesn't see me anymore he won't have to deal with his conflicted feelings.

 

Maybe he got hit by a bus and got amnesia & he's wandering around in South Florida right now thinking he's Jimmy Buffet.

 

I just really didn't think I'd lose his friendship! Apparently it didn't matter to him as much as it did to me. He's proving that he can live without me. Even his last email to me, he told me not to worry, and that I'm really important to him.

 

Yukko. I didn't expect this!

[ocrob]

That is a very good analysis and I will try to give a bit more information. I have never talked to this woman about my ex and never said I do not want to be in a relationship. I am not against being in a relationship, but very scared. I have spoken to this woman everyday for a month and only have seen her two times. I have been very affectionate and complimentory. If anything, I think she thinks I want something more serious than she does. My goal the entire time has been to get to know her. I am interested in her, but I believe you really can't like someone till you get to know them.

[annie24]

smittenkitten - well, yeah, unfortunately, it sounds like he's "not that into you." But let's face it - are you into someone who doesn't contact you for 11 days either?

 

Like I told you about the friends thing, I have friends I only talk to every few weeks or months - maybe that is his definition of friends....

[smittenkitten]

Sorry, just cycling... it seems that I've been hitting denial, sadness, & anger, around and around, all in the last few minutes- woo-hoo, fun!

 

I was all sad when I got home tonight, listening to my sad songs on the way home in my car. So sad.

 

Then I went online & looked at his profile again... he is SUCH a (insert bad word here)!!!

 

Mad. Sad. Mad. Sad. Confused. Bewildered. Sad. Mad.

 

This SUCKS!!!

 

(insert bad word here)

 

Sorry to keep whining about this...

[smittenkitten]

 

 

](*,)

 

 

 

 

[smittenkitten]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nikki blu]

Maybe he got hit by a bus and got amnesia & he's wandering around in South Florida right now thinking he's Jimmy Buffet.

 

LOL.....I've psyched myself out with that one before!

 

If he's the typical "just not that into you, but don't want to lose your friendship" kinda guy, He'll pop up again soon....could take days...weeks...months.

 

Somehow they know to come back just when you're moving on...

[Msnak]

Ugh, smitten & nikk--reading this post has made me laugh, think and grind my teeth!

 

I just hate it when a guy or girl thinks it's OK to "leave the door open" at the expense of the other party. Especially when they really like the person but are too shy, blind or unprepared to deal with the potentiality of a relationship.

 

I had a long lunch with my friend during work today, about that same issue. She's decided she will do the following: tell the guy it's his last chance, tell him what changes he would have to make for their relationship to work, and she told him what she's willing to do, in order for them to try again. But this is the last time.

 

My best female friend has done this to guys. I told her it was cruel. Then it was done to her and she felt the pain. But she's back to doing it again....

 

Maybe, some people WANT a relationship but can't HANDLE one?

 

The on-again, off-again or "I might want you in a month" is a carousel ride that no one deserves, though.

[Luz21]

Look- I am in a similar situation to yours right now. You can see my post unde "dating" if you want. However, I finally told the guy I didn't think I should see him or talk to him anymore. While this felt bad, it will help me move on and find a normal relationship. Whenever I find myself trying to psychologically deconstruct someone, it usually never works out.

 

You are holding out and hoping that maybe he will come back to you. Honestly- just keep as busy as possible and try not to think about it. You can't really move on if you are still hoping. Right now it's not worth any more thought.

[Msnak]

Luz--Well said. Can you explain more of what you mean by "psychologically deconstruct"? I'm intrigued.

[smittenkitten]

Especially when they really like the person but are too shy, blind or unprepared to deal with the potentiality of a relationship.

 

AHA!!! This, here, is my sticking point. I am having SUCH a hard time believing that he just doesn't care about me. I KNOW he does. This is what is so baffling.

 

I know, everyone is saying if I haven't heard from him for this long, it means I don't matter to him. Part of me agrees. The other part of me is going, "Nooooooo, that's just not possible!!!!"

 

Maybe, some people WANT a relationship but can't HANDLE one?

 

I mean, yeah. Suppose that's true. Wouldn't it be really, really hard to say no to something that you want but know you can't have? Like, if that's the case, if he calls me & tells me it's not gonna happen, well then the possibility of eventually ever having a relationship is now destroyed.

 

Geez. That probably made NO sense!

 

I just talked to a friend who is convinced that he's going to come around, and that he's just trying to figure out how he feels. She said I should take down my online profile, because if he sees it he's going to just give up 'cuz he'll think I've moved on, and it will set the whole process back much further.

 

I guess the theory is that he's like a turtle hiding in it's shell, and any sudden movement on my part might frighten him back into it.

 

Hmmph. What a mind-(rhymes with "duck")!!!

[smittenkitten]

I know, I'm being a total whiner. I wish it was as easy as just not giving it any more thought, but I can't do that right now. I feel kind of selfish to keep posting about it, but I'm trying to help other people on here with their problems, too... I don't want to be an emotional black hole sucking the life force out of everyone around me! So, agh, I'm trying to balance what I'm taking with what I'm giving.

 

Anyway. I can't just "snap out of it". (Unfortunately!) My brain has to analyze every little detail and nuance of a situation before I'm able to come to terms with it. Yup, just gotta make sure there are NO loopholes anywhere that I can use to squirm out of this.

[Msnak]

I mean, yeah. Suppose that's true. Wouldn't it be really, really hard to say no to something that you want but know you can't have? Like, if that's the case, if he calls me & tells me it's not gonna happen, well then the possibility of eventually ever having a relationship is now destroyed.

--This makes complete sense. You can move on if he will DESTROY the relationship once and for all by saying "it's not gonna happen."

 

Hmm...

 

If you want it as badly as it seems, it's like a drug, I guess, where you're hooked on it. Maybe even the confusion of this relationship.

 

You will be feeling what you're feeling until the feelings go away. It will take time. But like a druggie, don't become an addict. Don't do anything desperate, because in the withdrawal period, you'll regret it.

 

I am one of those people that overanalyzes and looks for possible misinterpretations and always gives people the benefit of the doubt. I've been called naive for that. But I can honestly say, I've never felt taken advantage of, and I live my life to avoid chances at regrets.

 

I was about to walk away from my similar situation when I decided I had to try once more. I did. He responded great, and we were starting again when he had to head out of town. Something happened then that ended us...not sure what, as it was on his part. He went AWOL! (Absent w/o leave.)

[smittenkitten]

Yeah, I can relate. No, I don't want to be an "addict"! In the old days, I would have been calling him, driving by his house, crying & chasing him & trying to get him to talk to me. Those were my "junkie" days!

 

I'm not doing that now. I'm just inflicting all my agony on a group of poor, unsuspecting strangers, instead of dumping it in his lap!

 

(You guys are saints!)

 

I am one of those people that overanalyzes and looks for possible misinterpretations and always gives people the benefit of the doubt. I've been called naive for that. But I can honestly say, I've never felt taken advantage of, and I live my life to avoid chances at regrets.

 

I can totally relate! Yes, I might be naieve, and yes, I could probably avoid a lot of pain by giving up more gracefully... but I never want to look back at something and think, "Maybe I should have tried harder." Nope- not me. I don't let go until I've exhausted all the possibilities. But once I'm done, I'm done, and I don't need to look back and wonder. 'Cuz I know I did everything in my power to make it work!

 

As the saying goes, "Everything I've ever let go of has claw and teeth marks on it!"

 

 

 

So how long has it been since your guy went AWOL? Are you over it yet or are you still processing things? I'd love to hear about your situation. Maybe you can point me to some of the posts you've written about it.

[Msnak]

I absolutely adore you for asking about my situation. And I could sit here and type a book. But I've sort of done that. LOL! I'll send you more in a PM, so I don't rehash or bore anyone.

 

"Everything I've ever let go of has claw and teeth marks on it!"

 

--Absolute genius! I will have to use that one!

[smittenkitten]

LOL! Wish I could take credit for that saying! Yup, it's kind of my unofficial anthem.

 

I'll look forward to getting a message from you! Go easy on your poor fingers though, 'K? I know mine are getting worn down to nubbins from all this typing!

[Mjane]

That's an interesting perspective on Ocrob's situation Mjane. You might be right. We were all trying to figure out why she's sending mixed messages, but I hadn't thought of that.

It could just be that she's a savvy dater and protecting her heart. I mean who wants to date a guy who comes on all strong and ACTS like he wants to be with you, but keeps saying he wants nothing serious. Those kinds of mixed messages can drive anyone crazy.

[Mjane]

 

Read this thread. It will inspire you to move on.

[nikki blu]

I am one of those people that overanalyzes and looks for possible misinterpretations and always gives people the benefit of the doubt. I've been called naive for that. But I can honestly say, I've never felt taken advantage of, and I live my life to avoid chances at regrets.

Wow, that's me! I just never knew how to express it!

 

You're not whining, smitten, this is free group therapy!

 

Nice thread, Mjane... I agree keeping busy and using exercise as a release

does help. I joined a new gym class yesterday and it felt good, but today my body is so sore, there's standing room only for the ex in my brain's "pain department"!

[smittenkitten]

Sorry, I'm hurting tonight. I feel like I can't breathe; I keep holding my breath like it's going to hold the pain in.

 

Ow, it just HURTS!!! I didn't go into this with one ounce of caution or self-preservation. I didn't think I needed it. I just felt so good and I was so sure I'd found a serious, true, life-long friend- whether the romantic aspect of it worked out or not was almost irrelevant. (Although of course I wanted that, too. But I was OK with it maybe not happening.)

 

I just didn't EVER see this coming. It hurts so much. I feel like I've been skinned alive. Just raw and hurting.

 

I'm holding myself in so much right now- after the kids go to bed I might be able to let go a little bit. And maybe breathe. 'Cuz I know if I breathe right now I'm just going to start crying and I just can't right now. I have to make dinner and help with the homework and get them to bed and I don't want to upset them.

 

I read the link you posted Mjane. A couple times. It was good- but I noticed that he said his girlfriend broke up with him 4 times before that final break. So I think it probably was a process for him, too, and maybe being able to just close the door & cut her out of his life that last time was the result of struggling through all 4 of those prior breakups.

 

Plus, I think it's a lot easier to get over someone and move on if they actually break up with you. This open-ended crap- just dropping off the face of the earth- yeah, it amounts to the same thing. And it's so obvious to everyone else what's going on. But to leave it like this- especially since he told me not to worry & he'd call me in a day or two (ha ha)- just leaves the stupid door open for all of these doubts & rationalizations.

 

It would be so nice to just hear him say, "Sorry, this isn't working out for me." "I've found someone else." "I don't want to date you anymore." "I never want to see you again." "It will be a cold day in he11 before you hear from me again, so don't spend too much time sitting by the phone."

 

Any or all of the above. I don't care. At least it would be something concrete that I could latch onto when the denial monster rears its ugly head.

 

Sorry. I just feel like crap tonight.

[finneganswake]

 

Any or all of the above. I don't care. At least it would be something concrete that I could latch onto when the denial monster rears its ugly head.

 

 

I think he is letting silence speak for him. Besides, what could he possibly say that would make you come to understand why he doesn't want to be with you? Wouldn't hearing it just make you feel even worse? Do you really need him to specifically lay out that he doesn't want to be with you and give you the details of why? How is it "nice" to hear someone say they don't want to be with you? Kinda weird.... You say closure. I say self-inflicted pain (is that sadism?).

[smittenkitten]

How is it "nice" to hear someone say they don't want to be with you? Kinda weird.... You say closure. I say self-inflicted pain (is that sadism?).

 

Because if someone you've been seeing almost daily, talking to almost daily, and connecting with on several very deep levels, suddenly drops off the face of the earth for no apparent reason- it is PAINFUL! It is much, MUCH more painful to wonder what happened, to spend every minute analyzing it and wondering if you read every sign wrong, to think one minute that he's gone forever and the next minute that he'll be back because he's probably in love with you but he's just scared, wondering if the phone is going to ring, wondering if there's another woman... just constantly, continually going over and over every possible scenario you can think of.

 

It is MUCH less painful to hear someone say any of those variations of "I don't want to be with you." Of course it still hurts, but if someone says it, it's a lot easier to accept it and move on.

 

This sucks worse, because in my mind, the door is still open. How do I know what's really going on if he doesn't tell me? And yes, I know it's obvious to everyone else here. But if you were me- and you met a man who seemed perfect for you in every way, and it was comfortable and uplifting and you had no doubts that he'd always be in your life (at least as a friend, if nothing more), and he was honest and trustworthy, and sent all kinds of signals that he was developing feelings for you (including the subtle one where he actually says "I'm developing feelings for you"), and he gave you NO reason to doubt anything he said- and then he just disappeared?

 

Would you not have a hard time with that? Maybe I am weird, if the normal response is just to shrug and say, "Oh well, guess he wasn't that into me. La la la- off I go!"