Porn, Chat Rooms.......

[zeldas]

Hi All,

 

New to the forum and just what some advise.

 

I have been with my husband for over six years now, and have a fantastic sex life; we do & go everywhere together.

BUT 2 years ago I found out he was looking at porn on the internet, and also going into chat rooms.

For me this was complete devastation, and it nearly ended our relationship. However he promised not to do it again and even swore on my life....

 

I know that for the past 12 months he has been doing it again, and that he now is going into chat rooms that contain live web cam girls. When I lay in bed at night I can here him chatting typing away to these girls.

 

Also I know he has registered on different web site's acting as though he is single and looking to meet someone for discreet fun... (They are his words used)

 

Now, I have not confronted him as yet, as I know how it will end.... in divorce, and i dont want this, but i also know I cant go on like this any more.

 

The thing is, I do believe he would never sleep with anyone behind my back, and that if I were to leave him he would be devasted.

 

So my question is....... why is he risking losing everything?

 

Maybe he thinks he won't get caught, and just likes the thrill of this?

 

Any advice would be great

 

Thanks

[kenneth05]

Your husband is neither considerate nor discreet. He is setting up a situation in which he could meet someone else and have an affair. This is very dangerous territory and he may find it exciting and thrilling. But the truth of the matter is that he is showing you no consideration and is throwing away his marriage, and you should be prepared to leave. Sorry. Best of luck.

[keefy1972]

Oh please! Your husband looks at porn, like most normal men, but feels he has to do it discreetly because you freaked out about it. Looking at porn is more likely going to lead to him not cheating on you or doing anything like that. He gets curious and has it satisfied in the sanctity of your house on a computer. At least he isn't beating the streets looking to hook up in real life.

[chai714]

Not sure how you found this out, but you did and it is causing you emotional pain.

 

I would print out everything you've discovered (his "single" ads, and any other evidence you've uncovered), leave them out on the table for him to see (whenever he sees them) and let him explain to you. Whether or not he planned on ever having an affair is not the issue. It's trust.

[ff7fan]

Looking at porn is one thing, advertising for "discreet fun" on a dating site is another. That's the part I'd be concerned about.

[cichlid]

Disconnect the internet for now. But maybe marriage counselling is in order?

[cichlid]

Oh please! Your husband looks at porn, like most normal men, but feels he has to do it discreetly because you freaked out about it. Looking at porn is more likely going to lead to him not cheating on you or doing anything like that. He gets curious and has it satisfied in the sanctity of your house on a computer. At least he isn't beating the streets looking to hook up in real life.

Look through the conflicts section and you will see that there are a lot of people that are hurt by porn. My BF does not look at porn and I believe him (he is one of those good christian people). Just because it is "normal" does not mean it is not hurting her and causing problems. Obviously it needs to stop. Just because you can accept it does not mean that others accept porn.

[BellaDonna]

. At least he isn't beating the streets looking to hook up in real life.

 

Actually if you read Zelda's post carefully, you will see that he is indeed looking to hook up in real life.

 

he has registered on different web site's acting as though he is single and looking to meet someone for discreet fun... (They are his words used)

 

He's putting an invitation out there- maybe not by going on the streets per se, but trying to meet people using the computer.

 

I agree that simply looking at porn is not a huge issue- but the fact that he is in chat rooms talking to REAL women and lying and saying he's single- and wanting to have "discreet fun" is a really big issue. Porn is just a fantasy- however he is far beyond that stage and moving toward the realm of cheating in REALITY- with real women. Just because he's solliciting them online- does not make it any better than if he did so in a bar.

 

Zeldas, I agree with the other posters that say to disconnect from the internet and go to marriage counseling. This does not mean you HAVE to stay in the marriage either- it just means that the ball is in your court now- and if you want to try to give him another chance- then you can- but even after counseling, you don't HAVE to stay if his progress is not satisfactory.

 

 

BUT 2 years ago I found out he was looking at porn on the internet, and also going into chat rooms.

For me this was complete devastation, and it nearly ended our relationship. However he promised not to do it again and even swore on my life....

 

I know that for the past 12 months he has been doing it again, and that he now is going into chat rooms that contain live web cam girls. When I lay in bed at night I can here him chatting typing away to these girls.

 

Another thing that strikes me when reading this... He clearly KNOWS what the consequences of his actions will be (divorce) if he continues to act this way (You almost left him last time) Yet he's still doing this- and is so OBVIOUS about it- that he does it almost right under your nose when you're in the next room in bed. Do you think he subconsciously wants a divorce, and is hoping you'll be the one to file for it?? Why else would he play with fire like that?

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Read this:

 

Also I know he has registered on different web site's acting as though he is single and looking to meet someone for discreet fun... (They are his words used)

 

Then this:

 

The thing is, I do believe he would never sleep with anyone behind my back, and that if I were to leave him he would be devasted.

 

Then read the first quote again.

 

You don't register on sites looking to meet someone for "discreet fun" and then get together to play Yahtzee. The whole point of "discreet fun" is it's "discreet" aka not told to you!

 

I am going to divide the porn issue quite clearly from the chat/online swingers site issue, because to me porn in itself is not the issue, but the fact he is portraying himself as single, available, wanting "discreet fun"/sexual encounters with other women. The difference is porn is images, not people you would meet. The latter is clearly talking with REAL people, and wanting to meet. Looking at porn is not the issue, it is that he is looking to MEET people offline and taking it much more into the real world.

 

Why is he risking it? Maybe he does not believe you will leave, maybe he does not care, maybe he's a jerk, I don't know. I am pretty sure he does not care much how you feel if he is being that obvious about it though.

 

I agree with Chai, let him know he has been busted, and get yourself into marriage counselling. He already knows how you feel about it, and has gone and betrayed that trust you reinvested in him. Time to take some drastic steps.

 

Also consider whether this marriage is a healthy situation for you to be in, especially if he does not seem committed to you, or to the relationship himself. In my eyes, the fear of going through a divorce is NOT outweighed by being in a miserable relationship without trust and commitment.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

[keefy1972]

Okay, I'll admit it, I just don't get what the big deal is. Unless he has cheated on her before, is there any reason she should be so insecure? Seems as if she is just insecure, and I know I'm going to get bashed for saying this, but that is just what I think.

 

Is the issue of porn what bugs her or is it the fact that he registered as single for some discreet fun? If it's just the porn thing then, well, I guess that's just something they don't share in common. I do, however, believe she should approach and challenge him about his registering. That I'll agree is wrong.

[keefy1972]

Just wondering why it is on this site, that in some cases, actions speak louder than words, and in others, words can cause such a stink. DID HE ACTUALLY CHEAT? Perform the action?? I believe I read somewhere that she said he would be devestated if she were to leave him. Why would he risk it if he actually feared that?

[RayKay]

Just wondering why it is on this site, that in some cases, actions speak louder than words, and in others, words can cause such a stink. DID HE ACTUALLY CHEAT? Perform the action?? I believe I read somewhere that she said he would be devestated if she were to leave him. Why would he risk it if he actually feared that?

 

Sometimes those whom are emotionally abusing/manipulative tell their partners they have to stay or they would "be devastated". Does that mean they should not leave?

 

She honestly does not know if he has actually cheated in real life or not, she is just believing he has not. He has actually SOLICITED to meet people for discreet encounters...he is blatant about it. I would say there is enough evidence there to warrant her being cautious....I would say he has intent to take things off line, if he has not already.

 

His actions ARE crap. He told her he promised to "never do it again" and swore on her life......and he is clearly DOING it again. Actions not matching words.

 

As I said, the porn issue is not something I am even going to get into, I have no issue with porn myself, and I don't think it's the real issue here either. I don't care if my bf visits "Naughty Librarians"...I do care if I find a profile on "adultfriendfinder" or something. They are quite different in intent and purpose.

[zeldas]

Dear All,

 

Many thanks for all your comments.

 

My husband has no idea I know, as he thinks I am not clever enough on how to use the pc. He downloads software to hide what he does, but I am the clever one as I know how to get around them.

 

Some of you say that looking at porn is not an issue, and even though I was devastated when I first found this out, I can kind of understand why people look at it. It's taken a long time for me to come around to this but I have in a way.

 

My big problem now is the fact that he his registering on these websites, making out he his single, and wanting to have discreet fun….Why would any married man do that?

 

Its just so hard, we get on so well, we spend all our time together, he never goes out without me, (that's his choice) I say again we do everything together. We never argue, we do have a fantastic marriage (apart from what I know now) the sex is great...we could have the perfect marriage if it wasn't for this.

 

You see I don't know how he could meet someone for real as he never goes out without me...Maybe this is just one big fantasy of his?

 

Maybe I should stop checking up on what he is doing, and try to forget about it.... or I confront him, and be prepared to lose what we have.

 

Anyway enough from me, thanks so much for advice.

 

xxx

[BellaDonna]

Maybe I should stop checking up on what he is doing, and try to forget about it.... or I confront him, and be prepared to lose what we have.

 

I don't think trying to forget about it is a good idea. It's just repressing the problem, but not solving it. You seem like an intelligent woman, so I doubt you'll be able to trick yourself into believing that this is not an issue- even though it has already hurt you. Running away,ignoring or hiding from problems is not the way to go. The problem will just snowball inside of you- and you'll end up resenting your partner. I think you should be honest and true to yourself and your feelings, and tell him that you know what he's doing and ask him to go to marriage counseling.

 

Even if you no longer check up on him, per se, you will still hear him typing at night while you're in bed- and you'll still remember his behavior in the past and what you have presently found as well. It won't go away so easily.

 

 

You see I don’t know how he could meet someone for real as he never goes out without me...Maybe this is just one big fantasy of his?

 

Right now, he is registered on websites- advertising himself as a single man, and asking for "discreet fun". If it were just a fantasy, and he had no desire for it to happen in reality, then why would he take it that far?

I don't know if he has cheated already- but each day his profile is on these sites adds more of a risk that he will cheat. There is definitely potential to cheat if he hasn't already. To let his behavior continue almost guarentees it. Again, I'm hoping that he didn't already cheat- but you can see how this could easily happen in the future if he continues down this road.

 

I know you say he goes everywhere with you- but believe me- if there is a will- there is a way. If he really wants to cheat- he will find a way- whether it be while he's supposedly in work, etc. You mentioned he chats online because he thinks you do not know how to use the computer. That right there shows you that he has no problem playing you for dumb. Of course you're not dumb and that's where he is foolish, for holding such a belief about you. So are you going to continue to let him disrespect you by a.) thinking you're stupid and b.) talking in a sexual way to other women online and advertising for "discreet fun"? I don't want to make you more upset- but just realize- you're fooling yourself if you think that a person who wants to cheat will be unable to find a way to do it.

 

I really hope you are able to bring this issue to the table with him, and hopefully get into marriage counseling. At this point, anything has to be better than you keeping it inside.

 

BellaDonna

[Relationship Coach]

There are some very good points being made here. Yes, we have all posted our view points on the porn issue but that is not the real issue here, although it might have been a stepping stone. When a married person starts to promote themselves on a singles web site, there are some real issues in the marriage. With his checkered past and lack of concern for his marriage, he's asking for it.

 

The stimulation of looking at porn grew boring so he escalated to web cam sites which was close to being real and he now hungers for a real in the flesh encounter. His deviant behavior may be past the point of no return. Counseling is a strong option here, he has a problem and needs help.

 

You don't cruise singles sites if you are happily married. Throw him for a loop, put your own singles ad in at the site he's visiting:

 

"Hottie looking for a stud", longing to be pleased as I have been in a very unsatisfying relationship for years.

 

Can anyone hear Rupert Holmes, Do you like Pina Coladas?

[raineysong]

What did men do before they had "porn?" Did they lust after a cow's rear end?? I don't care what excuses everyone gives about porn, it is not something that is a requirement for survival, for sex, for arousement, or for leisure. Just because some say it's acceptable for a man or a woman to view porn, doesn't make it so, especially when there is a relationship comittment involved. If a couple makes the united choice to look at porn, that is their business, but when a man views porn and hides it from a partner that feels threatened by it, it is wrong and no different from anything else that might put a wedge between them. Porn, just like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, can easily become an addiction or obsession. It can start out as something one is curious about and evolve into something a lot more serious---an addiction that can cost people their relationships, their families, their jobs, and their reputation. Personally, I think porn is disgusting, demeaning, and something that does not belong in a healthy relationship. If every woman who's partner is secretly looking at porn would hang naked pics of men on her walls, put them on her screensaver, go into chatrooms and start doing what these guys are doing, they would freak out. You think these porn-obsessed men would say, "Oh, it's ok, women "need" this sort of stimulation?" Most men would not only feel immediately threatened by it, they would NOT tolerate it! (I don't care "what" they claim.) Deceit is deceit no matter how you try to justify it. Relationships are about trust, and if one partner is incapable of holding up their end, they shouldn't be surprised when they lose everything that was supposedly most important to them. Anything that one partner allows to become an obsession and is willing to put it before the relationship is considered to be like having an affair. It doesn't have to be sex with someone else.

[cichlid]

Well said!

[novaseeker]

First, porn is different from hooking up with real people through dating sites and web cams. The latter is clearly cheating, whereas the former is up to the couple to decide what is appropriate.

 

I don't think a woman who dislikes porn should be in a relationship with a man who likes to watch porn, because it's extremely unlikely he will change and stop looking at porn. Much more likely is he will agree to stop looking and then lie about it. It's better to view this as an issue of sexual incompatibility and move on to a new partner, because the likelihood of the guy really changing in this area in the long term is small, particularly given how uniquitous porn is now.

[raineysong]

So are we to just "check out" when we disagree on anything in our relationships, particularly when we are married already? If he would have kept his head out of the porn and into the relationship where it should have been all along, he wouldn't have opened the door to the "next" step, would he? If an alcoholic hangs around the bars,they are putting himself into a vulnerable situation. People who are obsessed and addicted to porn are doing exactly the same thing. It is no different than a married person going to hang out in the night clubs without their partner. If they do, they simply "increase" the odds of something happening that could be a real threat to the relationship.

[novaseeker]

Again, if the porn use is addictive and is impacting physical intimacy, then I think therapy and counseling are in order to set it aside and reduce it to a non-addictive level that does not have a negative impact on intimacy.

 

If it isn't that, then it's hard to change it, I do believe. It really is like a sexual incompatibility issue if it is non-addictive and the physical intimacy is not impacted: becasue then it comes down to a difference of opinion about porn. He could try to seek therapy to change his behavior if it's non-addictive as well, but to be honest I think it's a hard road. it's not like avoiding bars and nightclubs because it's everywhere on the internet.

 

On the cheating-related actions, I think that people who are going to seek out affairs will seek them out, whether they use porn or not. The vast, vast, vast majority of guys who view porn do not go and try to have affairs, and most affairs that happen are not on the internet, they happen mostly in the workplace. So while there was a link here, I don't believe there's a link generally. However, clearly his behavior in this case was cheating and was a very bad thing.

[nikki19]

Raineysong, I totally agree with you. In a healthy relationship that has become conflicted because of porn, then it IS because of porn. The lying and sneaking are big issues to, and they all need to be addressed.

The lame idea that any woman who is disagreeable to the idea of her significant other using porn being insecure is ridiculous. Who made up this rule that women should be supportive of her man pursueing the sexual pleasures of other women?

I've read some pretty startling comments on this subject. Many times women posters will get beaten down (often by other women), being told THEY need to lighten up, or that they should be happy it's just porn and not an affair. Huh? That's like saying you should be happy that someone cut off your finger when it could have been your whole arm. I'm sorry but your relationship is in some serious trouble if you have to count your blessing that you're not being cheated on.

One thing I do know for sure is that No Woman is "thrilled" about her man and porn. Some women will accept it, some will tolerate it, some will tolerate it with resentment, and still others will not tolerate it at all.

Bottom line is, if it's hurting your honey, it needs to stop.

[novaseeker]

Bottom line is, if it's hurting your honey, it needs to stop.

 

I agree, but if your "honey" is deadset against porn, it may be time to look for a new "honey" because of compatibility issues.

[ScreenagerX]

My big problem now is the fact that he his registering on these websites, making out he his single, and wanting to have discreet fun….Why would any married man do that?

 

Perhaps he is looking for some form of confirmation that someone may find him attractive/appealing/interesting.

 

I am currently going through something very similiar at the moment. If it were me I would want my wife to confront me about it but not throw me out. I'm not saying definitely give him a second chance but suggest he has a problem & that you should both seek some counselling together. He could perhaps have some sessions on his own. You say that apart from this it is nearly a perfect marriage, that sounds like what mine was. Please don't throw that away. At least try

[WildChild]

Thank you!