had contact with ex....she called me...(long)

[Dogg]

Hey everyone it has been a few days since I have been on here but I have something to report.

 

my ex called me for the firts time in over two months at 4:30 in the morning on sunday. I was awoken by my friends only to see that I had missed the call. I then listened to the voice mail. I was so scared that somehting bad had happened to her or that she was in trouble because I saw no other reason that she would have called so late out of the blue like that. Anyway, I listened to the voice mail and to my utter dismay, it was her, obviously drunk and VERY ANGRY and UPSET!!!!! the message was full of cursing and yelling saying things like I hate you, don't ever call me or text me again, you are a liar and a cheat, I can't believe you and so on. Anyway, this threw me for more than a loop as I'm sure you can understand. What could I have done to make her feel this way. my mind ws reeling, so I called her back.

 

Anyway, it turn out that she was definitly drunk and she was at one of her girlfriends apartment in the city and they had been looking at "myspace". she had looked at it befroe and had typed in my name and looked through my page. but this time she had done it wasted and she got really angry at me. she was yelling at me saying that I had lied to her abotu some gilr that I went to high school with that over two years ago started soem problms between us that I said that I hadn't talked to in a while and I really hadn't. anyway, she said that she saw that girl talking to me on "myspace" and that I had been playing her and lying to her about ever talking to her, which is not true, that girl had on;ly left me three comments spaced out over the last three months all simply saying hello and nothing more and I have never responded. anyway, she was fuming mad and very upset at me for this and yelling so much that I could not even get a word in edgewise. she said that after all of the nice emails that I had been sending her (her birthday, christmas, our would be anniversary) all more or less saying that I missed her and that I wanted to talk to her that she had started thinking, but then after seeing that I had been "playing her" that she never wanted me to contact her ever again. needless to say she hung up and I could not sleep for the duration of the night. I was torn up.

 

the following day (yesterday) I called her to see what the hell her problme was the night before. I was angry that that I thought that she was in trouble and that I got very nervous for her and all she was doing was yelling at me, I was angry at the hurtful things that she had said to me. most of all, I was angry and very upset that after over two months of her never callign me that when she actually did, that this is what it was about and that it was her being angry over some thing that 1. never happened, 2. had to do woth some thing from over two years ago. I told her all of this on the phone. she sounded embarrassed and she apologized but said that she was with her cousin and could not talk. I asked her to call me later because I thought that we needed to talk about some things.

 

she catually called me later that night. I answered the phone by sayng thankyou for actually calling me back. again, I restated all of the things that i had said before about how angry I was that she had called me like that and also about how wrong it was for her to do that. she apologized and said that she knew that it was wrong. she explained to me why it was that she got so angry and upset and also that it wass stupid for her to call when she was drunk and that she had thought about calling earlier that week, but just didn't and then it all came out because she was looking at my myspace page wasted and it all hit her again. I assured her that even though I still thoguht that it was very wrong and hurtful of her, that I understood why she got upset and I assured her that it was really for no reason because I truly had not been talking to this girl that caused so many problems for us in the past, and that I would never had never and will never "play her" as she said. I could tell that she was kinda trying to play down the fact that she had gotten so angry and for what reason. I told her that I had truly given up on her afer about a month and had begun to move on and that I had been goign out a lot and meeting many new people ( I did not get into specifics) I told her that the reason that I had begun to email her again recently saying all the nice things thta I was saying was becaus that I realized that of all the numerous girls that I had been meeting, none of them even came close to complaring to her and that I started to miss her. I asked her if she missed me at all and she said thta she did sometimes. I told her that I did nopt really want to get into this now and all that. she agreed. I told her that I had realized a lot of things about myself and about our relationship during our time apart and that I truly understood that there was no way that we could have gone on the way that we were going but that at the same time I had also realised more than ever how much she truly means to me and how truly special she was and still is to me. I told her that I would let her go but that it was very nice talking to her and that I was glad that she called, she said that she was happy that she did to but that she was so sorry for the night befor eand that she knew it was wrong. I aksed her before getting off the phone if maybe we could begin speaking again, but that I did not want an answer now, jyst for her to think about it. I told her again how specaisl she was an that it was up to her what happened now but tha I just think that if we did begin to talk again that I knew that she would be pleasantly surprised at what she would find with the chages I have made and with the way that things would be.

 

I know that the whole thing may sound like its not a big deal, and I am trying not to get my hope up at all, but what do you think?????????? is there anything else that I can do???? shoudl I just let her make the next move???????? I miss her now more than ever! at least I know that she is thinking about me and that what I am doing matters to her right......I knmow that she has been looking at my "myspace" at least twice recently and that she apparently has before because she said that her friends told her that I was on there which mean that they had looked at my profile as well and most likely told her about it. Is there anything more that I can do or say to show her that I am for real abotu wanting to start over with her and take things slow and begin to reconnnect. is there anything else I can do to let her knwo that things will be different?????? I dop not wnat to f*ck up any spark or chance that might be there now or that may have been slowly groing within her again.

[coooolsome]

I think that you played that wonderfully. You did not let her walk all over you and gave her a piece of your mind. What she did was wrong and you called her out on it. You shouldn't have asked her to start speaking again, but thats ok. Now the ball is in her court. She knows how you feel and she does miss you otherwise something like this wouldnt have affected her. However this doesnt mean that you will get her back.

 

What you must do now, is continue doing what you were doing. Keep moving forward with your life. She needs to decide if she wants you back or not. Now, you move to LC which means you let her contact you. She needs to decide what she wants.

 

This is a step in the right direction but it will still take time to see if she wants you back or not. I wouldnt get your hopes up right now b/c nothing she has done shows that she wants you back.

[kellbell]

Hey Dogg!

 

So glad to see you again. Ok...people, including me, are guilty of drunk dailing and that is what your ex has done. Please do not read into anymore than that. I know it's hard because you still care but she called you while she was drunk and harped on you about things that are none her business or not of her concern anymore. Let's not forget who broke up with whom here.

 

My God, that MySpace crud...that stuff can lead to all kinds of drama and IMO you can't take sites like that to heart at all...it's strictly for entertainment purposes only...not to be taken seriously.

 

I am glad to see she has apologized and you told her how you felt about her childish behavior...but it's not up to you to explain ANYTHING about your personal life anymore. It's not her business. The only reason she called and steamrolled you is because she knows now you have moved on...if that was not the case, you would not have heard a peep from her. Don't mistake jealousy for love or wanting to get back together...it is what it is...jealousy. IMO, I would refrain from talking to her...period until she can handle whether drunk or sober that you have taken steps to move on.

 

Hang in there Dogg, you have done nothing wrong. Stay strong, IMO, you deserve better.

[Dogg]

thanks to you both coolsome and kellbell, I am trying not to read to much into it, but about the whole drunk dialing thing, I know that people do it all the time, but I am not one of those people, and for three years, neither was the ex. Also, I know that she has been drunk many other times since we broke up also and has never called. I will not contact her, but I am hoping thats he contacts me more than you would know. I do hope that this was a step in the right direction, I will have to wait and see. Oh by the way, I ended things with that other girl, she was immature, had to much baggage from the past, and what I was doing by keeping her around when I knew that I really was not that interested was wrong and unfair. I must say though, I am not at all upset especially after what she did when I did end things, she began hysterically crying saying "how could you do this to us?" yelling at me and telling me that she loved me!!!! after three weeks of hangin out with someone, and just dating them, that was a bit much. I made my decision about ending things with her, last week, way before the contact with my ex, so do not worry about that being a reason. I will not lie though, I had been thinking a lot about my ex a lot lately and having dreams about her and writing her an "anniversary email" that I shred in a previous post, I have relized that no one that I have met thus far even compares to her, they just do not measure up in any way. I am trying again to get her back, but this time I'm doin it the right way, I let her know how I feel yesterday, now it is up to her to take the next step which is simply speaking again. I want o begin again with her. I have a whole new perspective on things now and I know that she will be pleased to see the changes in my attitude. Although I know that you willo all say to do nothing, I will ask anyway, is there anything that I can or should do? no, I'm not losing it again, I actually see a light that I never saw there before, SHE IS THINKING ABOUT ME AND SHE OBVIOUSLY CARES!!!!!! thats small, but its more than I had before...

[kellbell]

Dogg,

 

Please, don't mistake this behavior as her wanting you back...please don't see this as a glimmer of hope. The fact she has never drunk dialed you before in the three years you have known her...well...there is a first time for everything. And for you to say you are not one of those people is kind of irrelevent. Alcohol can lead us to do things we would not do otherwise and that mixed with anger and betrayl, well that is a lethal mix.

 

Dogg, her contacting you has set you back many steps. I am sorry things didn't work out with the new girl, that doesn't mean go groveling over scraps your ex throws you. There are other good women out there. Please understand the fact she felt you have "wronged" her, "played" her mixed with alcohol is just that...and she probably was egged on my her girlfriend...I am sure there was a lot of "guy bashing" that evening which probably fueled her behavior even more.

 

Let her be...don't jump at the chance to talk to her when she calls. I have always felt you can see someone's true colors by observing how he/she copes with stressful situations. Go on with your own thing....she needs to work harder than this to get your attention back. If I were you, I would be extremely angry at her over her selfishness and total disregard for your rights to move on with your life.

[coooolsome]

Yeah, I wouldnt think about it to much. You are over analyzing things. Obviously she cares and thinks about you. If you spent a good deal of time together, our ex's wont forget about us. They would have to be cold and heartless. Another thing to remember is this, the person that called you is not the same person you were with. They are now different. There are things they will do that they didnt do before.

 

You must keep moving forward. Date more people. Anything short of "Im sorry, I miss you and I want you back" mean nothing to you right now.

[Dogg]

so you think that there is nothing good that can be taken from this? you see no hope in the fact that she did call, and then call back to talk nicely? you see nothing that can be taken as a "step in the right direction" she did say that she had been thinking about all the things that I had been saying in the email that I wrote her. I know that I must remain calm, and continue to move on, but I mean she did call me.....that has got to mean something right...

[AC874]

Dude,

 

Its obvious that she still has feelings for you. When we are drunk, we usually express the truth.

 

If she had no feelings for you, then she wouldnt have bothered to

 

a.) check your myspace

 

b.) to call you and * * * * * you out

 

The thing is, she is still really confused.

 

Go back into No Contact... she'll call again

[kellbell]

She called you when she was drunk and after she saw your profile on MySpace. To me, that's not a step in the right direction...to me it's dysfunctional and very selfish. She broke up with you and then has the gall to grill you about things that are none of her concern.

 

So she has been thinking about the email you sent her...her point is? IMO, she is thinking about it is because she knows you have been with other women. That totally freaked her out...as long as she knows you are on your own and maybe miserable...she is ok with that. But bam....the day you move on...God forbid. Dogg, that's not love or genuine...it's jealousy...it takes her out of her comfortzone...classic behavior by the "dumper." She wants to call the shots...I am not saying she is bad person, this is basic principles of psychology. At least IMO.

 

I still stand by the idea of leaving her alone....don't trip over the chance to talk to her when she calls. Until she says I am sorry, I want to try to work things out...I made a horrible mistake...everything else is non-sense.

[kellbell]

"When we are drunk, we usually express the truth."

 

Sorry AC...have to disagree...alcohol is NOT a truth serum...if that were the case then they would serve alcohol to people before they take the stand in court or during interrogations at the precinct and such....

 

Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and impairs our judgements, slows down reaction time...it can lead us to do things otherwise we would not do sober....when anyone is under the influence of any kind of substance their actions and words are not at all creditable.

[Dogg]

first, she has no idea that I have been with soem one else, if she did she would never ever speak to me again!!!!!!!! this I'm sure of, but I did tell her that I had been goign out a lot and "meeting" people and that none of them compared to her and that is why I began to email her a few times. see, but after all this time, I'm not sure that breaking up was such a mistake. yes it really hurt me and yes I agonized over it and wanted to die. but, part of my moving on and part of my healing was to realize that in a way she was right, there was no way that we could go on like the way things had been going, it wasn't healthy or right. I also did a lot of soul searching and I see now the mistakes that I made and the things that I was doing and how I ws acting that proably added to the frustrations and helped her to make the final decision to end things. I see all that now and I am a different man because of what I have learned.

[coooolsome]

Dogg, it could mean a lot of things but the thing is, is that you will lose all the progress you have made if you think that way. Sure, she could still have feelings for you but most likely she is confused. If she is confused then nothing good can come out of it. As kellbell said, she has to say she wants you back, she made a huge mistake. Until then, take everything with a grain of salt.

[kellbell]

Dogg.. I am so confused by your post then.

 

I am confused as to why she called you in a drunken stupor, steamrolled you about things that none of her business. And this was done after she looked at your profile on MySpace?

 

So what if you move on or "meet" others. You are free do to do and the fact she would never speak to you again?? After she broke up with you? Dogg...that's wrong. I don't know. I am confused by all this...maybe you are too but still leave her be.

[AC874]

Women never work like that...especially ones with a facade of pride.

 

They talk in subtle terms, give you hints here and there to show that they are interested, and or that they regret their actions.

 

People rarely compromise their integrity by admitting that they wrong,

 

FACTS ARE FACTS:

 

a.) If she doesnt care about you - She wouldnt have checked your myspace

 

b.) If she doesnt care about you - Then she wouldnt have called and or called back after your initial call

 

c.) If she doesnt care or have feelings for you - She wouldnt have * * * * *ed you out.

 

I agree with Cooolsome's assesment, you need to keep moving forward. She'll be back... im not sure if its to get back together, but she wont just let go of you like this

[Lady Bugg]

Hi Dogg....welcome back

 

I hope your ex calling you has not set you back. Her reasons for calling were truthfully, pretty lame and immature. So what if you have been talking to other women? You are no longer with her...and that was HER choice. You were in NO way obligated to apologize or tell her ANYthing. Her being jealous in NO way proves she has interest. It simply shows her disrespect of you and your feelings. She SHOULD be happy you're moving on....but again, her "jealous" reaction does not prove she still wants to be with you. I have been jealous of people I KNEW I didn't want to be with....but those feelings passed.

 

Her jealousy basically means she thinks SHE should still be the center of your universe. Nothing more.

Jealousy is a useless emotion, it promotes NOTHING positive.

You are STILL broken up aren't you? Did she say.."I'm jealous of you...let's get back together".....NO she got information out of you she was seeking and that pacified her OWN curiosity. Now YOU are left wondering what her motives are.

 

I think you would have been better off to simply hang up on her and never call her back...because right now you're no better off.

 

Of course this is MY opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

[kellbell]

"NO she got information out of you she was seeking and that pacified her OWN curiosity. Now YOU are left wondering what her motives are."

 

Awesome statement ladybugg...Dogg this is why I pointed out earlier that if I were you, I would be extremely angry at your ex at this point....she was selfish and totally disregarded your rights to move on and live your life.

[redandblack]

Hey,

 

My take on this is completely negative. She called you and said some horrible things. You called (which you shouldn't have, in my opinion) and she didn't think about YOUR feelings at all. All she cared about was herself, how SHE felt and what SHE wanted (which was most likely information). Now, she is done with you for a while.

 

It's easy to get carried away here. If she wanted back, she would probably be a LOT kinder to you and maybe even show an ounce of sympathy for hurting you. None of this is seen here. She was completely selfish and irrational. You don't want her back in this state of mind--this is further proof that she has a lot of growing to do.

 

The fact that she checked your myspace while drunk is not a show of interest, relationally speaking. As kellbell said, "alcohol is not truth serum". She displayed a prime example of the negative effects of alcohol--poor decision making skills and shortened tempers. Her friends (who I will assume were also drunk) may have instigated this.

 

You are better than this! Keep to no contact. Unfortunately, this has set you back a bit. You still have some growth and realization to experience. If my ex contacted me like this, I would tell her she has a lot of growing to do before she can contact me. This kind of behavior is totally unaceptable.

 

Keep on NC! You have grown so much, don't turn back now!

 

Take care

[Dogg]

ok, inrespnse to kellbell first, what I meant by saying "if she ever knew that I had been with soemone else she would never speak to me again" I said meaning that if she knew I had slept with soemone else. No its not that she is jelous of me meeting new people or anything although I'm sure that she rally would be and probably is, what happened is this:

 

two years ago, we went to this party at one of my frineds houses. while we were there I was greeted by this gilr that I had hung out with and was friends with in high school. the girl was very flirty and kinda super seeking attention from me, but I just brushed it off like it was nothing because I had no interest in her at all. anyway, this girl kept it up making statements to my friends and so forth. anyway, I introduced her to my ex (we were together at the time) and the girl was really nasty to her right away and made some very uncool comments to me right in front of my girl that I blew off but my girl took to heart. later on she said some pretty nasty things to my girl and when my sirl told me about them, I didn't believe her and thought that she was just being jelous. the next time that girl came up to talk to me, my girl said something to her and pulled me away. I started yelling at her telling her that she was embarrassing me in front of my friends and long story short we ended up getting in a HUGE fight over it. not just a little fight using harsh words or anything, but a super duper full on fight with fists and slaps and everything. after that we did not speak for a long time but we ended up working it out so to speak and getting back together. she has always from then on asked me not to speak to this girl and it was not a problem bcause I really never did anyway. Now, when my ex checked my myspace she said last week she saw soem comments (like maybe three or four) that that girl had left me over the past few months. I did not respond to any of them because I had no reason or desire to. Anyway, my ex took that as a slap in the face and that I maybe had been lying to her all along about having contact with this person who at one point cauised major major problems in our relationship. also, she had been readinbg my emails about me missing her and wanting to see her and speak to her and had been thinking about calling me then she saw my myspace and thought that I was "playing her" by saying what I was saying while at the same time talking to someone who played a major part in a situation that really put a major strain on our relationship that I do not think that either one of us has fully healed from. that is why I called her back to explain that this was not the case. that is why she had gotten so angry with me and left that message drunk or not. I see where she is coming from, yes it was very wrong of her to do that, and she knows that it was, but I still see how that for her, after reading the things that I had sent her and how heartfelt and meaningful they must have been to read, that she would be disturbed by thinking that i was doign all this while talking to a girl that caused the worst fight that we have ever experienced togehther that still hurts to think about.

 

I know that this may not lead anywhere, but I do hope that it does and that maybe sopmething good can come out of a bad situation like what happened the other night. sometimes every cloud does have a silver lining, I hope with all my heart that this is one of them.

[Dogg]

also, and this is to everyone, who have you known that has simply come right out and said "I'm sorry you were right, I was wrong, I made a mistake, I want you back!" I have known noone. People take small steps like starting to talk again, starting to laugh again, they go on small dates, they go for ice cream, they go to the movies. it takes time, this I know. right now she is and never would say that she want me back because she probably doesn't know if she does because she does not know that I am a different person, she does not know that I have changed. In her mind and in her eyes I am still that guy that she was with for three years that she realized that things were just not working anymore. I am no longer that person, I just want the opportunity to show her this and the changes that I have made within myself and I'm sure that she will not be disappointed. how do I get her to give me that chance is my question now?

[kellbell]

"also, and this is to everyone, who have you known that has simply come right out and said "I'm sorry you were right, I was wrong, I made a mistake, I want you back!" "

 

Dogg, this has happened. I have had personal experience with this and I have witnessed people who have said it. And I am confused by one thing...if your ex feels now that you have played her and such...when in fact you didn't, well that's her problem. Why would you want to go out for ice-cream with somone who not in so many words said your entire relationship was a sham? I could be reading your new post wrong but that is what I am understanding.

[Lady Bugg]

You answered your own question Dogg....you do it veryyyy slowly. Action speaks louder than words. If you call her saying "I have changed, and you need to see it".....that is NOT indications of being a changed person.

 

People do NOT change overnight..and you are NO exception. You got ONE jealous, irrational phone call from her, and you are already planning on how to get her to see you have changed. How about HER? How has SHE changed? See the thing is.....it cannot all be about what YOU have done differently, because if SHE is the same person, then the relationship will STILL have the same issues. I am almost certain she is no angel....I am also almost certain she did her fair share to hurt this relationship. Why are you willing to carry the entire burden?? Has SHE made concessions? Has SHE gone out of her way to prove to you she is different?? No she has not.

It's only been a few months Dogg....YES you may have realized some things about yourself, but becoming a different person takes years..if ever. Besides, ask yourself this. If you HAVE to change so much in order to be with this person, then what does that REALLY say about the relationship.

 

Stop thinking of ways to prove yourself worthy to HER. She dumped YOU...If anything she should be proving herself to YOU.Especially after her little tantrum.

[Dogg]

she says that she was very very hurt by the fact that I could write what I had been writing to her, making her feel things while at the same time be talking to the very person that served to destroy our relationship at one point that I have told her many times that I have not would not and don't talk to. she felt like I was "playing her", saying one thing, while in fact doing the other. I can understand that. I would be hurt too if the situation was reversed nd she was sending me letter and things more or less saying that she missed me and wanted me back but was talking to some one that destroyed our relationship and started the biggest fight ever once.

 

is there anything else you would like clarified?

[Dogg]

is there small steps that I can take in order to show her these things or should I just take it for whats it worth and remain in NC and let her make the next move? I'm assuming that it will be the general consensus that I hsould stay in NC....

[Lady Bugg]

Even so Dogg.....Big deal. You are STILL broken up. In this case it should be MORE of a reason she is glad you're moving on...NOT an invitation to call you up and chew you out about it!!

The bottom line here is this...What happens AFTER you are broken up is NO longer any of her business. Even if she THOUGHT you were talking to this girl again...or whatever....shouldn't that be a reason to be GLAD you are moving on and out of her life? She was DRUNK and took this as a reason to BLAST you and your intentions..without even having proof of you having done anything wrong. What if you did that to HER?? Do you think she would be so apologetic, and willing to PROVE herself a changed woman?? Think about it.

[coooolsome]

Lady Bugg makes a great point. What if you did this to her. How would she have reacted? Stop thinking about trying to get her back. She has to be the one to try to get you back. I spent 2 months trying to "prove" to my ex that I changed, that I was a better person. It doesnt matter. She needs to prove it to you first.