So much pain, please help me. Please.

[Spidey12]

My girlfriend of 4 months and I hung out today. But something wasn't right. So I finally asked her what was up. She wouldn't tell me at first. But then she told me. Her ex boyfriend (the infamous ex boyfriend that she always told me how much she hated and would never go back to) came over to her house last night. She told me they kissed. The rest of the car ride was silent. She then said "it was nothing" And then later went on to contradict herself by saying "Its wrong to care about two people"

 

I told her to park the car right when she said that, i told her how to get home, got out of the car, shut the door and walked the rest of the way home.

 

 

Then an hour later she called and left a voicemail that said "Hey its me I was just calling to tell you that i am really sorry about how things turned out. I know I said I care about him still, but I still care about you so much more. I just don't think it is fair to you that I have feelings for someone else. I still don't really know how much I love you. So I just wanted to tell you I am truly sorry. Bye"

 

I sent her a text back that said She needs to make a clear choice.

 

Then she logged online and we talked for a bit and i told her I was going out tonight to hang out with my friends. I told her to call her ex and go hang out with him and make sure she does not really love him. She kept saying that she knows who she wants to be with. She kept saying that I was the one she wanted. But i told her to leave me alone for a few days and go hang out with her ex.

 

Later someone told me this was a bad move and that i should call her back and tell her that I don't want her running back to her ex, I just need her to leave me alone for a little while and that I am hanging out with my friends tonight. So i called, and she didn't pick uyp and i left her a voicemail saying just that.

 

I don't know what to do. I want her back.

 

What should I do now? If she calls later do I pick up? If she doesn't call at all when should I call her? How do I make her actually want to be with me and not want to go back to her ex?

 

Help me.

[charliek]

What should I do now? If she calls later do I pick up? If she doesn't call at all when should I call her? How do I make her actually want to be with me and not want to go back to her ex?

 

In all honesty, I would tell her that she needs to make a decision. It's not fair to either one of you. . .Putting your foot down now is my best advice. I went through this same thing and didn't put my foot down and my ex kept this other girl around for the whole last year of our relationship. I told him not to talk to her and that just caused him to lie about and in the end we are not together b/c I chose for myself to not be second best to anyone. . .to NOT share my bf's attention w/ another girl. I made him choose either her or me and have had NC at all for a week and a half. I will not let my self pride, dignity or respect for myself be belittled by someone who is trying to have their cake and eat it too. . .

 

IF she calls and you want to talk to her about how you feel then do it BUT do not pressure her. . . .lay out what you are choosing for yourself. And if that means telling her to make a choice between you two, then so be it. But lay down the line now. . .

 

If she doesn't call, let her be. She will figure it out on her own. They broke up for a reason AND if she told you she would never go back to this guy, something was defin. wrong in their relationship before and probably is still there. She'll find this out on her own, but DO NOT be that guy that tries to plead his case as to why she should be w/ you. . .SHE WILL figure this out on her own and that's the best way to have it. . .What happened w/ her ex is all new, exciting to her etc. But eventually that all fades and the truth of that relationship will be exposed and that's when it will hit her like a ton of bricks IF she tries to be w/ him again.

 

AND the last question you asked. . .the harsh reality is YOU CAN'T! She needs to figure this out on her own BUT I promise you if you take a step back from her. . .give her her space she will start to wonder about you. She will start to question what to do. . .but IF you pressure her, call her and try to make her see that you are the better choice I promise you this will give her all the reason in the world to not be w/ you... That is the harsh reality.We always want what we can't have and if someone makes it too easy to be with them, if someone is throwing themselves at us and we have another option of someone who is acting as if they don't want to be w/ us. . .WE WILL ALWAYS GO AFTER THE ONE WHO DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT US. . .it's just human nature. . .

 

Play it cool and let her figure things out on her own w/o any pressure from you. Let her know if you want that you have decided for yourself that you need to give her time and space to really figure out what she wants and you are willing to respect that. Give her credit that at least she told you and didn't hide it and pursue it behind your back. That should show you that she does care about you but is confused. . .Take a deep breath and give her time. . .Time is both your worst enemy and your best friend. . .BUT PLEASE I BEG YOU DONT PUSH HER FOR HER DECISION. . .

 

hugs!

[SuperDuper]

Totally agreed.

I can see how you're now rethinking if you should have said this, and maybe said something else. But the truth behind it is, it doesn't matter what you say, she'll be with you if that's what she truly wants.

 

For now, you have to back off a bit. You can't continuously worry about her while out with friends, that's not good. Start doing stuff for YOU right now, and if she comes back, pursue her from there.

 

Don't wait though, it may never come.

 

Good Luck.

[autumn99_99]

I Totally Agree With The Previous Posts, And It's The Hardest Thing To Do To Leave Them Alone And Let Them Figure It Out On Thier Own. If It's Meant To Be It Will And If Not You'll Be Ok, And Eventually See That For Yourself. I Just Went Thru All This The Past Couple Months Tore Me Up And I Didnt Really Know What To Do With Myself, So I Started Going Out And Had The Nicest New Years Eve In Many Years, Not To Mention I Didnt Think About Him At All And It Felt Good Starting The New Year With Positive Feelings About Myself. You Cant Make Someone Want You And No Matter Hard Hard You Try It Will Make Them Run Forever, The Opposite Is Always Better Even If It's The Hardest, It's True We All Want What We Cant Have. Take Care, Stay Busy, And Let Her Find Out The Hard Way.

[Spidey12]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

She called me a few hours ago. i didn't pick up. She left a voicemail saying she has been hanging out with her ex for the past 2 hours just like i told her to and that she is disgusted with him, she says she cant stand to be with him and she cant even stand to hear his name. She says she wants to be with me and she knows thats what she wants. Then she said I love you and hung up.

 

Why would you hang out with someone you can't stand for 2 hours? * * * * if I was hanging out with someone i couldn't stand i'd leave 5 mins later.

 

what the F is going on.

What the F do i doooooooo....

[DN]

Ask her why she was hanging out with him for two hours. Tell her she has put serious doubts in you mind about how she feels about you and if you are to get back together she needs to convince you that she is over him and wants you. And hanging out with him for two hours is not the way to do it.

[charliek]

This may be hard to hear BUT hear me out. . .He may have given her an answer she didn't want to hear. They may have discussed "them" and he may have told her there is no "them". . . .she may have realized that he is just playing a game w/ her. . tested things w/ her to see if she still wanted him and as soon as she gave in, he had the ego boost he needed and said no thanks to her. . .(People are capable of it, ask my ex) But whatever the reason is that she said she hates him, she has told you this before and you need to discuss this with her. You need to find out what triggered in her mind to A) make her consider him and confuse her about you two and B) what happened to make her hate him all over again. . .Make sure everything was done for reasons that YOU can accept and never settle. . b/c if he ever comes back and says I've changed you need to be sure that she will stand her ground w/ him and show YOU off to HIM!!

 

Good luck! hugs

[Spidey12]

Ahhhhh, now THAT is good advice. That is so true, who knows why she didn't like hanging out with him. What I am wondering is, even if he did change....she is still with me and she should have never tested the waters with him.

[Lady Bugg]

Spidey, Charlie is right.

 

In fact, I would be willing to bet if you dropped her like a hot rock....and told her she disrespected you...she would beg you back. Just a guess.

Personally I find it extremely insulting when people do this. It's like they expect you to just take their crap on THEIR terms ..and if you do you are willingly being their DOORMAT. Right now you have the chance to gain some respect..don't wait.

[Spidey12]

Now she keeps texting me:

 

"I cant do this anymore. I dont want to spend time with him anymore"

[Cherokeelion]

Its really simple... if she doesn't want to be there, is the door locked? She's not prisoner and it's rude of people to say that and not act. I'd tell her, "See the door? Why aren't you using it then? Talk to me when you close that door for good." If she doesn't then you know shes pulling you around as a security net. Don't push her though... that never works and is bound to cause a person to feel pressured.

[shamus]

do not be her doormat. any person who takes a good long look at you and decides to try their luck elsewhere doesnt deserve you.there is someone out there who will respect you and your wishes. you deserve the best, not to be a backup in case things dont work out with her and her ex

[DN]

to which the obvious answer would be "then why are you?"

[SuperDave71]

Spidey,

 

 

I have a quick question or you my friend. Why on earth would you want to be second best to somone you are in love with? Do you feel as if you don't deserve anyone to treat you and love you the way you deserve to be treated? Of course not. She has made a decision. I know you love her but let me shed some light on you for a moment. When someone makes a choice about whom they choose to be with, they have to live with that decision. Let her go...for now. It is obvious she is confused and is basing her decision on the past. You need to focus on you and how to improve yourself. I know its hard my friend. I know how your heart feels. You need to get your backbone and put it back in and stand up straight. DO NOT allow her to contact you. She shut you out. I am NOT saying be cruel or unheartly. I am stating you need time for you. By allowing yourself to speak with her, you are only hurting yourself more. She isn't gone forever. You need to move the focus off of her and on you. You can do this and you have over 40,000 people here to back you up. Post or IM me if you hav questions. Good luck my friend.

 

 

-Your friend,

 

SuperDave71

[Spidey12]

The problem is she is very good at making me want her. This morning she texted me things like"I love you" and "i want to be with you". Then she called...i didnt answer...she called a few hours later and i didnt answer. Then I called her about 5 hours ago and she didn't answer, i sent her a text and she didnt answer.

 

Haven't heard fom her yet...very unusual for herl not to call me at least once every hour. I have no idea what she is doing...I want to call her so badly and ask her what she is doing.

 

God this sucks....i want her so badly and i know she wants me. BAH LOVE SUCKS

[Spidey12]

I know you're just about fed up with me. But trust me, i feel like i AM in control now and im treating this girl like you told me to...like any other girl.

 

I did not call her at all today...and what did she do? She texted me with "i love you" did i respond? NO.

 

Then she texted a few hours later.."and i guess u don't care thats fine ill leave u alone bye"

 

at this point i decided it would NOT be treating her like any oither girl if i ignored her so i texted back (30 minutes later) "At work. dont even have time to scratch my balls. hope things are well with you" The only reason i added that last line wa sbecause she went to her uncle's wake today.

she hasn't responded since, but thats cool i am just gonna be chill for a while and im hanging out with afew friends. Knowing her...she'll call tonight (just like she did last night when i didnt call her)

 

Heres my logic and do tell me if its wrong:

 

im not initiating any phone calls and i am not returning affectionate messages. I am however respondidng to phone calls and talking about everyday stuff..briefly and i'll respond to texts that are unrelated to i love u or i miss you. This makes her think that im still there but at the same time, not int he same way as i used to be.

 

BTW, there is a small detail that i didnt mention here...a while ago..almost 3 months ago..thinbgs were perfect between us...but she randomly broke up with me like literally in the middle of one of our convos she just said she didnt need a relationship right now. I wasn't attached to her then and was still talking to a few other women. Anyways, i forgot about her completely and written her off as a dud..didnt call her, didnt text her and really did just think that was the end of that. Four days later she comes running back like ive never seen a girl do before "i am so sorry about that i was going through a suicidal phase and i am over it now and i was such an idiot to leave you..blah blah blah" right after that period is when she treated me the best i think.

 

So this thing right now might be the same thing.

 

In any case, im finding that i am thinking less and less about her and being distracted into thinking about other things much easier than yesterday. Tomorrow will be easier and then easier...so i feel like i am in control because shes saying these things but i see the door and i think right now im jus gonna sort of wait by the door...if she doesnt come to get me, i can just take two steps and be free of her, I'm just not read to turn my back on what i believe to be true love yet. So...

 

 

What do you think....what is my general "next move"?

 

Pleaase i check this thread every 30 mins for asnwers.

[DN]

Do yourself a favour - walk through the door now and don't look back.

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with DN. This girl sounds like a complete fruitcake. No offense, but who needs THAT drama??? My advice is to stop responding to her altogether...find someone who is SANE!!

[Spidey12]

okay i really am not asking your opinion of HER.

 

i am asking your opinion on what to do in order to makke her slowly come back to me...someone please help. And also everyone keeps telling me to just LEAVE HER, that is not an option right now i want to give her one more shot before i turn my back on what i believe to be true love.

[Lady Bugg]

Sorry Spidey..i don't advise people on how to WRECK and DESTROY their self worth. I strive to give HELPFUL advice..and me advising you to stay with your ex is NOT helpful or good. Can't help you there...