I feel trapped in my relationship

[final attack]

I have felt for some time now that my relationship with my girlfriend isn't working. We talk about the problems but they never seem to dissappear ... they don't even wavier.

 

She doesn't trust me

She questions my integrity all the time

She doesn't respect me.

She is controlling!!

She has no self esteem.

CONSTANTLY she belittles me and and treats me as if I'm a terrible person.

 

However when I try to break up with her she becomes a miserable heap. She looks like she will die. Once she was involved in a minor car accident because she was so distraught. She will LITERALLY cry for weeks. Tonight she comes over and falls to pieces, I really couldn't continue to tear her apart like that. Its not like I don't love her, I just don't want to be in this emotionally driven rollercoaster of a relationship anymore.

 

What can I do?

[registered]

Well it sounds like she has some unresolved issues... I'd tell herthat you love her and want her to be happy but for that to occur you think she should get some counselling.

 

I'm guessing from what you've said that you've told her these things? (I'm assuming this is why she fell to pieces...). She must understand that it is not healthy to be like that and that she would be much happier if she wasn't like that.

She needs to solve these problems because unless she does she won't be happy... she'll always be like this, and she will always be in unhealthy relationships that will cause pain in some form or another.

 

You can be there for her and let her know this, but you shouldn't put yourself through pain if it isn't what you want. If you know the relationship isn't working and that you deserve to be treated better then you should find do what you know is best and end it. You do deserve better you know.

The crucial thing I guess is to help her and be there for her, at least until she can get some help... it's kind of a burden for you, but you will be helping her out.

[final attack]

Yes, I have told her all these things. I've been completely honest, but she is so totally dependent I really question whether she listens.

 

I told her tonight that I feel trapped in the relationship as well. I've told her that she needs counciling and I suggested I go with her. However I worry about what I will say in counciling, because I feel when I say something there she WILL listen and then it will start all over again.

 

I don't cope too well with drama.

[registered]

I don't cope too well with drama.

That's no fault of your own though, it's not like you should be putting up with drama.

 

The purpose of counselling is for the truth to come out... if the truth is not spoken no one can help them.

I don't think you should be concerned with any possible reaction in the counselling session... it is all to help her, and there will be a counsellor there to explain things and talk to her so you won't be on your own.

 

If you she sees a counsellor this will END it all. (not in one session, but over time).

The counselling is for her though... you shouldn't go as a couple. You should end it and go as moral support and as someone who can objectively bring up her problems so she can get help.

 

You can't do this to yourself, I think you need to end it.

She will be helped and you won't suffer because of it... you will both benefit from it.

 

If you don't end it then you won't benefit and you will suffer as you do. You need to consider your own health - you cannot be responsible for keeping her happy by letting her control you.

When she falls to pieces or has a tantrum or whatever she is controlling you. You need to walk away from it. Do not let her control you, you have your own health to worry about.

[darkblue]

If you have all of those problems, why are you still with her?

[shes2smart]

She doesn't trust me

She questions my integrity all the time

She doesn't respect me.

She is controlling!!

She has no self esteem.

CONSTANTLY she belittles me and and treats me as if I'm a terrible person.

 

However when I try to break up with her she becomes a miserable heap. She looks like she will die. Once she was involved in a minor car accident because she was so distraught. She will LITERALLY cry for weeks. Tonight she comes over and falls to pieces, I really couldn't continue to tear her apart like that. Its not like I don't love her, I just don't want to be in this emotionally driven rollercoaster of a relationship anymore.

 

What can I do?

 

Your girlfriend sounds like she needs to work on the relationship she has with herself. Until that relationship is sane & healthy, she won't be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone else.

 

Healthy relationships don't have a lot (if any) drama, and you've got a right to not have that in your life. It's exhausting.

 

I understand that you feel bad if you break up and she falls apart, but would you rather stay with her to keep her sort of happy while you're walking on eggshells and miserable because she's doing all the things you listed above? For the most part, people don't change until they reach a point of maximum discomfort. She may have to go through feeling really bad before she makes the decision to start working on herself and improving her life & her relationship skills.

[DN]

The bottom line is that you are not required to sacrifice your own well-being and happiness for someone because they will be miserable or unhappy if you leave.

 

But let me ask you this - if the problems you listed were resolved and she did not behave like that - would you then want to be with her, or have your feelings for her changed beyond recovery?

[Relationship Coach]

Either strap yourself in and get use to the roller coaster or get off of it! You are trying to chose between what is the right and what is best for her, two different things. You are not responsible for what she does after you break up with her and maybe this will serve as a wake up call for her next boyfriend.

 

I'm sure that you have told her how you feel and yet she continues with her ways. She has no respect for you and more than likely does not love you. She is more than likely afraid of being alone which is probably best for her in the long run. She probably never got a report card that said, "plays nice with others".

 

It comes down to a simple choice, you or her. Counseling may help her but you don't need to subject yourself to it with her. She has issues, not you.

[final attack]

I think I am at the point where I don't see a future of us together. Infact a future of us together scares me.

 

Last night she made me say that we where still together and I did. I was pretty cold about it. I said it mainly because I couldn't handle the situation and she looked completely destroyed.

 

What do I do now?

[Itsok]

Just tell her straight that you aren't continuing the relationship. You going back whenever she cries about it is only encouraging her. You aren't doing her or yourself any favors. Stick to your guns and get out.

[final attack]

I broke it off. It would have to be one of the worst experiences of my life. She went insane. Threatening to destroy everything in her life, and suicide.

 

I've blocked all her ways of contact, and I think its best I stay at my sisters house for the next few days. However I feel absolutely aweful. She is really a very nice girl, but I guess in the end too volitile. She was great when was calm, lucid and intelligent. More than that she was driven and lovely to be around....

 

And I destroyed her ...

[RayKay]

I broke it off. It would have to be one of the worst experiences of my life. She went insane. Threatening to destroy everything in her life, and suicide.

 

I've blocked all her ways of contact, and I think its best I stay at my sisters house for the next few days. However I feel absolutely aweful. She is really a very nice girl, but I guess in the end too volitile. She was great when was calm, lucid and intelligent. More than that she was driven and lovely to be around....

 

And I destroyed her ...

I just saw your thread today, but sweetie, you did NOT destroy her!

 

As Shes2Smart said, she has to work on her relationship with HERSELF first. She may or may not be conscious of it, but she was emotionally manipulating you to stay with her, which only shows further how much she has to work on her. Right now, she gets her self esteem from feeling like part of a relationship, and that will ALWAYS cause problems until she can feel good about herself, with or without someone.

 

You did the right thing to end things, do not stay with someone just because they are not wanting to end things when you are.....that is not fair to EITHER of you, even if she does not realize it yet, she should not be with someone whom is with her out of pity or whom has so many doubts as you do.

 

She sounds really really not ready for a balanced partnership at this point. She belittles you to feel better about herself, is controlling and mistrusting...is that what you imagine when you think of what you need as a person? Do you feel loved when you are not trusted and put down?

 

You deserve someone whom respects and loves you, and not just when you are leaving. They let you know it all the time. You deserve better, and did the right thing.

[Itsok]

You did nothing wrong. You weren't happy, she wasn't happy either right? Things weren't going well for some time, and you had been trying to leave for how long. You were being manipulated into staying and that's never right.

 

Don't blame yourself for her unhappiness. We can't please everyone, but we can try our best to be good to ourselves and to others when we can.

 

It will be alright

[shes2smart]

You did not destroy her.

 

It is quite possible that this event is what may inspire her to start working on herself. No way to know that for sure now, but let's hope that's the case. Most people only change when they reach a maximum level of discomfort. If she's there, then she might have that aha! moment where she realizes she's got to do things differently.

 

I agree with RayKay...her behavior is manipulative. Not saying she's not in pain. It's quite likely she is. However, if she thinks that you seeing her in pain is a way to get you behave like she wants, she's probably not beyond milking it for all its worth.

 

If you are sincerely and honestly concerned that she might harm herself, then you need to speak to her parents, a close friend of hers, or a relative of hers and let them know what's up so they can keep an eye on her. You cannot "come to her rescue" now in the interest of making a clean break, so letting someone close to her know what's going on would be a responsible thing to do, if you feel she is a danger to herself.