In a relationship, do guys always pay more? Thoughts?

[Slagar]

I mainly want peoples opinions on this matter and their own experiences.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong, we often we go halves on stuff, and my girlfriend doesn't _make_ me pay for things... when I do, she simply accepts it, and is happy that I've paid for dinner/movies/whatever. If she ever tried to pay for anything for me, well, I'd not easily let her get away with it... because to me it just feels unfair on her. Why doesn't she feel the same way?

 

If I don't pay for her half at least reasonably often, then I hear about how stingy I am, and that no other girl would put up with me. (I'm sure I'll get it indefinitely if she finds this post too)

 

Is it because guys supposedly earn more? Well, I don't... yet she's still fine with it. I understand that maybe it's meant to show "chivalry", or being romantic or whatever... but still, that seems a bit hard to swallow... especially in a long term relationship.

 

Well, it's not such a huge problem for me anyway. I guess if it keeps her happy, it keeps her happy... but I'm just posting to see what other people think about this.

Does this sound reasonable, or am I just crazy? How do other relationships deal with this? Should guys always have to pay more? Is my girlfriend just comfortable having other people spend on her, while I'm not?

[steff]

in my last relationship, he would pay for everything, and hardly let me pay for anything. the other day we cort up, went to the movies and dinner, and whenever i took out my wallet to pay, he would push it away, or when i tried to put money in his wallet he would tell me off...

 

however with my boyfriend before that, he didnt really care if i paid for anything. so i think it just is a matter of the guy....

 

although some girls like their man to pay for everything.. with me, i just dont really care.

[OceanEyes]

If I don't pay for her half at least reasonably often, then I hear about how stingy I am, and that no other girl would put up with me.

Well, this is obviously a bit of an overstatement. An important thing to remember, is that every couple is different, and may have different views on this subject. There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to 'traditional' male/ female relationship practices. I always think it's funny when someone claims to *know* how an entire gender would react to a particular thing. It seems presumptuous.

 

My personal opinion, is that once the couple has passed that whole dating stage, and are actual boyfriend/ girlfriend, that they should take turns paying for each other. Why not? Why should one person always have to foot the bill unless they really want to?

 

If one person makes a lot more money than the other, it's usually in good taste for that person to pay for more things. It's logic - if I made 5x more money than my boyfriend, I would never want him shelling out $50 for dinners and other activities just because I'm the woman in our relationship. To expect the man to always pay for everything, all the time is absurd. If he wants to, that's fine, but she should offer to chip in. These aren't the 50's anymore; women are working and making just as much (if not more in some cases) money as men are. On those first dates when the man has asked the woman out, he pays without question. If you don't want to pay for your date, take her somewhere that you don't have to spend any money, or just don't ask at all.

[ariyadhana]

You are being totally reasonable, as there is no reason you should have to pay for everything if you are not comfortable with that. Traditionally men paid because they were intended to be the providers, and women often didn't have their own income. Some people still buy into these "old fashioned" roles, and think men should pay for everything, I however, do not. It sounds like you have different values about who should pay, hers being more traditional. I don't think you should let her guilt you by calling you stingy or any of that either, that's not cool. I don't think you should do things just to keep someone happy if you are uncomfortable with it either. I think you need to talk to her about it, and try to help her understand what your values are, and maybe even challenge why she thinks you should pay for everything.

[ariyadhana]

 

My personal opinion, is that once the couple has passed that whole dating stage, and are actual boyfriend/ girlfriend, that they should take turns paying for each other. Why not? Why should one person always have to foot the bill unless they really want to?

 

 

I like doing this the best actually. To me it feels better than splitting the bill, because you do feel like you are buying for the other person.

[BellaDonna]

In my relationship- when we first started dating, my husband insisted on paying. He made more money than me at the time. As time went on I began to pay for him too (we'd take turns), or sometimes we'd just split it. It was ususally based solely on financial situations.

 

As others have said, the "tradition" has been for men to pay for women- but who needs tradition anyway? This is modern times now. Everyone likes to be treated well, but to expect one partner to pay simply because of their biological sex seems a bit simple-minded to me.

 

As a woman I have notcied that many of my friends want to abandon tradition, yet keep only a few traditions alive that benefit them. For example, they want to be independent and strong, they want to work, have equal status in society (these are all GREAT things of course!) But these same modern friends also expect the old-fashioned "chivalry" that you described....they still want to be paid for in a subserviant manner. So it sends very mixed messages to their male partners.

 

I truly think, if you're both making the same amount of money then the bill should be split or you should take turns paying. If one partner makes more money and wants to treat the other for financial reasons, then that is fine.

 

If I don't pay for her half at least reasonably often, then I hear about how stingy I am, and that no other girl would put up with me.

 

But to me this just sounds like a gender stereotype.

 

 

BellaDonna

[waytoodown]

Well, my current bf pays for almost everything since he works full time and I only work part time( minimum wage job with very few hours, since I'm in university). When I do have a bit of money extra, I don't hesitate to pay wtv it is we're doing( movie, supper...). When I get a full time job though, I expect to go half and half on pretty much everything.

On the other hand, with my ex he always made me pay, and sometimes more then my share. I'll be honest, I didn't like it, mainly because he was making at least twice as much of money as I was, but still wouldn't pay for anything.

For me and my bf, it's like BellaDonna said, based solely on financial situations.

[Beec]

I think it depends on the people invovled. personally, if she works as makes as much or more than the he does, why shouldn't she pay? I don't think this is an accounting problem, I think is all about your and her expectations. My fiance makes much more than I do and ever will, probably. There will be things she wants and buys that I can't afford. Buig example, I expect her to want to live places I cannot afford. If she resents that, or if I have issues with it, then we need to deal with it or stop seeing each other.

 

An ex gf of mine always expected me to pay, or pay a majjority of the time. Frankly, I think it took a lot of gall to basically ask me outto dinner, then expect me to pay, which she would do. It soured my tastes for her. But so did other things. If I did things that would normally be considered gallant, such as opening a door, they seemed to be taken for granted. I don't mind doing them, but I also want to see it was appreciated. When i carried her golf bag and my own into an elevator, and she did not get out of my way, then when I got them to where they were going never said thanks, which was common, I had an issue.

 

You got one thing going on here and that is what each of you sees as your role in the relationship. One of your roles is that your are the wallet, in her eyes. You seem to have a slightly different idea. You don't mind paying, but you want it appreciated. If you are stingy when you don't pay, then it seems you paying is supposed to be a given, i.e. taken for granted. So, yes, I would be uncomfortable with that too. I think you need to think about how each of you sees each other's role in this regard.

[shes2smart]

Why doesn't she feel the same way?

 

Because she wasn't raised by your parents in the same environment you were.

 

Take my friend Ray, f'rinstance. Ray's parents raised all 4 of their boys with the idea that no matter what their relationship to a woman, if you're out with her, you pay. Period.

 

Doesn't matter if she's a girlfriend, wife, mistress, date, friend, co-worker, aunt, sister, cousin, mother, daughter, grandmother, niece, or some random stranger. He and his brothers were taught as long as she's female and you're male, you pay.

 

This resulted in some uncomfortable situations when I would go out with Ray. He would not let me pay my own way, and I kept telling him he didn't have to pay my way because it wasn't a date. We talked about it, and I realized that it was just the way he was raised. He honestly believed that was proper, polite behavior and couldn't understand why I was making a fuss. It was a long time before he'd let me treat him, but he finally relented....and I learned from him how to receive gracefully.

 

I've always been very independent, pretty good managing my money, and (when I was single) had a penchant for arty writer/musician types....who were usually broke. So, my dating (and relationship) experiences have been I mostly pay my own way, and often times his, too. As I was fond of saying, "I can buy my own dinner....I don't need a guy to buy me dinner, so he'd better be interesting on the date."

 

Financial issues are the cause of many arguments between couples, and it is something each couple has to negotiate for themselves. What works for one couple won't work for another. If you want to have an effective discussion about the topic, you need to first have your own financial issues in order...what are your beliefs about who should pay & when? What are your thoughts on an acceptable amount of debt? What are your thoughts on budgeting? Saving? Investing? Spending? What do you see as frivolous expenses? What do you see as necessities? You need to have a grasp on your own motivations, strengths and weak points before you can start to understand someone else's.

[goingmadithink]

Nn, not necessarily, both my brother and his g/f pay equal.

[IntrepidFox]

my gf makes three times as much as i do...she doesn't mind paying for me when she wants to go to 5 star 30 dollar a plate eateries...but conversely, i will drop the dime on the trees...

it is all relative and predicated on sentiment...

[AlleyCat]

I completely agree with those who have said that it depends on the financial situation of both parties once in a relationship. When first dating, I think whoever asks the other person out should be prepared to pay (but the other person should at least offer to pay their own way).

 

This situation has caused some problems in my own relationship, so I definitely encourage couples to discuss this early in the relationship. When my fiance and I first started dating, he was in school and I made about the same amount of money (or more at times). thereforeeee, I felt I should pay at least my half. However, now he makes about $20,000 a year more than I do. Also, we live together and several of our expenses are not expenses I had when living on my own or with roommates, and wouldn't have if left up to me (HD, expanded cable, high speed internet, etc.). He insists on splitting the bills in half (although I usually end up paying a little more because he's forgetful, and I do most of the grocery shopping). We've talked about this, and his response was that he expects me to pay half for everything because I've always done so.

 

After discussing this many times, he pays a little more often when we go out (mostly because I don't have much money to go out after paying my half of the bills), but I think we still have some room for improvement in this area...

[shes2smart]

We've talked about this, and his response was that he expects me to pay half for everything because I've always done so.

 

I read a lot of financial advice stuff (Suze Orman and the like), and what I've seen most of those folks suggest to couples where one is making markedly more than the other, it's a shared household, and they're looking for a fair way to split their expenses is this-

 

Divide the bills based on the percentage of the income you're brining into the house.

 

Basic formula is to add up your and your SO's take home pay.

 

Then add up all your shared expenses (rent/mortage, utilities, phone, groceries -- anything you both use and get benefit from).

 

Then figure out what percentage of your combined take home pay would be needed to cover those expenses.

 

Then multiply that percentage by EACH take home pay individually to find out what each partner should be contributing.

 

example (with numbers picked totally for ease of example because I'm slightly math challenged):

 

Partner A takes home 600 per month

Partner B takes home 400 per month

 

Total monthly household take home income is 1,000

 

Shared expenses per month add up to 500

 

So, shared expenses use 50% of the total take home income

 

50% of partner A's take home pay is 300

50% of partner B's take home pay is 200

 

Which gives you a total of 500 to cover the monthly bills.

 

 

In terms of pure dollar amount it appears partner A is paying more, but in terms of percentage of income, this is a very fair way to split the expenses when your incomes are very different.

[AlleyCat]

Thanks for the advice. I read one of Suze Orman's books not too long ago (The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke) and suggested exactly that to my fiance because I think it's a great idea, but he wasn't too wild about the idea, and actually setting up a way to manage our combined household money seemed a bit complicated. Anyway, he's been much better about at least paying more often when we go out, so I can't really complain too much.

 

Also, we'll be getting married next year and splitting more of our income then, so I'm more focused on how we're going to do that for now. Overall, we complement each other very well when it comes to managing money. I'm much better about taking care of regular expenses and managing money for short-term savings, and he's a little better about long-term savings.

[Bubbles_159]

After reading your compliant I find it hard to believe that this was the one issue you decide to moan about.

 

Over the last few months I have analysed our relationship and I can see there were many areas in which my personality needed to grow and mature but being a freeloader was never one of them. Do you forget all the times I put money in your pockets or paid for you? I think its quite hurtful that you felt this way, I had no idea the extent of your resentment of me. As for being stingy you miss the point - it was never about paying for me. All I wanted was for you to leave your games for a while and be a little bit spontaneous and surprise me once in a while. I suppose all I wanted was for you to want me as much as I wanted you.

 

I think I made the right decision to move on.