what feeds our obsession for our ex's?

[renaissancewoman101]

I just wonder what feeds our obsession for our ex's? Why is it when they reject us that we want them so much, and then they reject us some more, then we want them more??? What makes us do these things? How come some people, even when their hearts get broken, they dont do stuff like that, and other people go to the nines about stuff like that (wanting them back, promising the world, etc)? What drives us to be like that? Also, how can someone who has always been rejected and dumped and has usually been the one chasing the woman who dumped him doing the stuff I am somewhat doing to him now, how can he, when he dumps someone, be so cold and freaky about it (like be so afraid to be around the person he dumped like be real nervous around that person)???

 

I guess I am naieve and dont understand human nature a lot.

[ForAnother]

Simple, wanting what you can't have makes people do nuts things to get what they want.

 

Also comfort... no one likes going from "lets go out to get coffee" to "Hey buddy, my GF just broke with me"

 

Never fun, its just the way it goes.

 

-ForAnother

[renaissancewoman101]

True, it really comes down to wanting what you cant have. Towards the end of our relationship when I started to pull away from my ex, my ex chased me down to the ends of the earth. He was willing to do anything to try and get me to come back to him and feel the same way that I did for him. I never was able to. FInally, he got fed up, dumped me and met someone else. Now I am chasing him to a point. He knows I am moving away for a job, etc. Part of me went and did this so that he could know that I was moving on and not pining away for him. Part of me is hoping when I do that, that he will come back to me. I am giving myself an out, to be able to come back here within a year.

 

How can some people, when they are dumped, just move on gracefully with little fanfare, and other people hold on to the ex to the point of life or death?

[Lady Bugg]

RW...

 

Madonna said it best..."Rejection is the ultimate aphrodisiac" Ok aside from chocolate...she has a point. LOL

 

It's about acceptance. to be rejected means you are not good enough, or there's something wrong with you. This stings especially from someone who once seemed to care. Most of us don't CARE what strangers think of us..but the ones we know and care about..their opinion affect us tremendously. It's very normal to feel rejected when they no longer want us. What is NOT normal is to continue forcing yourself or your 'worthiness" on them. This only reinforces their decision. Wishing them well and walking away..is your best course of action. Someone with self respect or self esteem doesn't need to prove a thing to ANYone because they already KNOW their worth.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[darkblue]

It's not about naivity. No one will fully understand why we do, what we do.

 

I agree with wanting what you can't have, and the emotional comfort; to an extent.

[strndedbyluv]

i wish i knew this too? I am finding myself feeling very psychotic for chasing after the person i love..it makes me sick.

[darkblue]

i wish i knew this too? I am finding myself feeling very psychotic for chasing after the person i love..it makes me sick.

You could try not chasing them...

Just a suggestion.

[shes2smart]

And, then, there's change.

 

Some people adapt to change better than others.

 

Some fear change so much that they will do anything, put up with anything, go to great lengths just trying to keep things the same.

 

Some feel the crap they're familiar with is better than the unknown. Just another way fear of change manifests itself.

 

The irony of it all is this: In life...not just relationships...but in ALL areas of life, change is the only constant.

[renaissancewoman101]

So, people with low self-esteem tend to be the clingers. People with high self esteem tend to walk away from the breakup with the least amount of pain and suffering? Interesting. My ex has always been on my side of the fence where he dates women, falls in love with them, and then they dump him for someone else. He then usually is the chaser and gets his heart broken more. I thought that since he understood how it felt like to be the dumpee that he would not dump me or, at least, when he saw how much I wanted to patch things up after dumping me, that he would give it a chance. I had lost my feelings for him earlier and I avoided him a lot, but I didnt want to dump him because I knew that was a cruel thing to do and I have had people do it to me so I know how much it hurts and how cruel it is. Instead, he takes the initiative and DUMPS ME!!! I dont know how he can do that knowing how it feels to be the dumpee since he has always been the dumpee. I didnt chase him at first. I let him alone because I wasnt sure how to deal with this this time. Two weeks passed and I gave him a call to see how he was doing. We met up but got into a fight over the fact he didnt want to try again. I thought he would have some compassion for me, but he didnt.

 

Dumpees can turn into the worse dumpers possible. I always thought that if one was the dumpee most of the time, they would have at least SOME empathy for another dumpee.

[ForAnother]

Sometimes you don't realize someone else's reasons until you jumped into their shoes.

 

For instance, he never dumped anyone before... when he dumped you he realized that he needed space and so he chose to run more away... he has found this most comforting to him... and also thinks "oh so thats why my exes were like that".

 

Simply, don't call/talk to him. The more time away the more time you will look at it with a more "outsider" eye.

 

It will be better soon.

 

-ForAnother

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with Shes2Smart...

 

I think this is what you are experiencing here RW. You are holding on by the skin of your teeth...hoping this relationship will not end or go back the same.

 

Once you let go and face your fears, chances are you will be grateful he DID dump you. I know you can't see that right now. Your're hurting.

 

Also...just because someone has NEVER dumped someone before does not mean they didn't have their reasons for doing it when they did. Your ex obviously had reasons for NOT wanting to be with you anymore.You think he should NOT have dumped you simply because he was always the one dumped. Is THAT the issue here? RW...when we are dumped, our egos take a tremendous beating. You're no exception to this rule....so feel angry. It's ok.

Finger pointing and placing blame will not bring anyone back though.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I am holding on tight to this situation. This is the first person I have ever had a normal relationship with and the holidays make the breakup even worse, even though the breakup only happened three months ago. I am having a hard time moving on. I had thought he would never leave since he did have feelings for me and he did love me at one time. I guess my loss of feelings for him and the way I treated him, helped to kill the love that he had for me at one time.

 

Yes, I am angry about being dumped because I tend to always be the person who is dumped. I started to lose my feelings for him in Feb of this year. I could have dumped him because of my loss of feelings, but I didnt do that. I didnt do that because I knew that was cruel and mean and I didnt want to hurt him. I pulled away from him and gave him more time for his friends and he wanted me back so bad. I didnt know how to deal so I gave him a long leash. I thought that could help our relationship even though I couldnt stand being around him. Instead, when Ren Faire season came around, he went and met someone else, then he dumped me. I forgot that he could meet someone at Ren Faire, because, that is how he met me, or I met him, at a Ren Faire event. I tried to be the good person and not dump someone, because I knew how much it hurt to dump someone, plus I wasnt sure if I DIDNT want him either. Next time around, if I start losing feelings for someone, I am going to dump their *ss before they get the chance to dump me. Guys are *ssholes.

[Dako]

I miss my ex for the exact same reasons I fell in love with her 27 years ago. I also still respect her and enjoy her company.

 

What's wrong with that? Nothing at all.

[renaissancewoman101]

I just wish the healing would come quickly. RIght now with the holidays and all that, I still feel very hurt and afraid of things. The move is killing me. Still trying to pack. The movers are coming tomorrow.

[renaissancewoman101]

Has anybody ever noticed this? That once you do decide to move on with your life and forget about the ex, then something always comes up to remind you about the ex? Like last week with his mother's phone call. I was having a good time out in LA getting ready for my move, and, out of the blue, she calls me to tell me to keep hope alive.

 

Also, with time, do obsessions go away, or can they get worse?? It has been 3 1/2 months since my ex broke up with me and although my obsession for him has gotten better, it is still there, and there are times when it is worse and other times when it is better, but it is always there in the back of my head.

[Jut]

RW

It will go away. The obsession is not for him, its for a place that is vacant now, a place for someone you can love and get the same back. Dont worry you would heal and slowly realize that you dont think about him anymore.

Have you seen French Kiss. Kevin Kline says this to Meg ryan when shes crying for her ex "One morning you will wake up and he will be gone, gone from your mind" You wont feel anything for him that point except that he is a memory. Hold on Miladi, youll be just fine.

 

For got to add, you will also meet the man who deserves that spot. Who treats you the way you want to be treated.

[sorryJason]

If you are really loved someone that you were with and if you spend a lot of time with them, they start to seem like family to you. Am I right?

 

You are with this person and you do everything with them, or at least a lot, if you just spent a couple of months with someone, then this doens't really apply to you, but if you were with someone for years, then you do consider them part of you family. Now, imagine one of your family members(and I know this does happen in some families) telling you, I don't want you in my life anymore, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't even want to know you anymore. It would really hurt right? Actually in some ways your partner is even more close than you family, because you might have shared even more with your partner than you did with your family, eg, being physically intimate with your partner, pouring out you soul to them, tell them your deep dark secrets, etc.

 

That is why it hurts so bad when they reject you, it is like they are saying I don't like who you are, you are no good, I don't like who you are as a person. For those of us with low self esteem, it hurts us even worse, we take it as a comment about the person that we are, but in reality, it has little on nothing to do with what type of person you are.

 

The reality of it is that, it may be the dumper that is no good, or maybe you are just not compatible with each other, or well...it may be a whole lot of other things. You just never, know maybe it was something that you may never know. The only and best thing you can do, is honestly and objectively look at you past relationships, including the current one that is ending. Examine what went wrong on BOTH sides, and what YOU can do better next time, how you can improve YOURSELF in BEFORE you get into another relationship. There is nothing you can do about the other person, or how they feel, you cannot make them love you again, you have to move on. Take all that effort you are wasting on your ex and use it on yourself, and/or an new relationship. Remember they dumped you, they have to take the responsibility for ending the relationship, you are free from the guilt of have broken up with someone, you don't have to live with the regret and the thoughs, the what if's that is something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives! Just think one day, you are better than you ever were with you ex, and they see you doing so awesome, maybe, just maybe they will look at and think what they might be missing now, a good reason, (well maybe not the best, but some of us need this type of motivation) to improve yourself and your relationships!

[Dako]

Good post, sorryjason,

 

One common belief in a breakup is a sense that something went wrong, but often people grow apart, fall out of love or just can't bear the routine.

 

There's really no way to change yourself to prevent this in the future.

No one is to blame, it just quietly happens.

[octopus]

SorryJason, great post. Thanks. Sometimes we get confused and lose the big picture. But if you seriously look at every relationship that ended, including the current one, there IS a reason and maybe it's good that it ended before it got worse; you got more committed timewise, more attached emotionally, into something that wasn't meant to be. "It wasn't meant to be": this is my only solace...

[Hawk]

Octopus - that's what my dear old grandmother used to say and it is so true - 'everything happens for a reason - you might not know what it is at the time, but in the goodness of time you will'.

 

She has never been wrong yet.

[renaissancewoman101]

SorryJason, I like your post. You are right in that he seemed like family to me and when he rejected me, it felt like my family was rejecting me and that hurt a lot. And you are right that it really has nothing to do with me but with the feelings of the dumper which are not a correct reflection of me.

 

I know I need to channel my energy into other useful things than pining away for my ex. I am just right now at a very pivotal point in my life and I am very scared. That is why I am pining away for the ex. Tomorrow, the movers come in to move all my furniture. I am still not packed yet. My place still looks very lived in. The movers are coming and taking away my stuff and I am driving out to San Diego at the end of this week, alone. I am very scared about doing the drive out to San Diego by myself but I have no one who is going to come with me. I do everything by myself and it pains me to see other people who have a SO and I cant keep one. I always end up by myself, doing stuff by myself. I dont seem to have any friends. Our mutual friend was supposed to come out with me but she may not be able to come with me. I was hurt by that. Sometimes I feel as though people dont care about me. All they want to do is use me for something or another. I really am afraid to move away from here. I have been here for 15 years and I have trouble moving away from things. You can just imagine how I am feeling right now, sitting here on the floor staring at all the stuff in disarray that needs to be packed away, etc. I dont know how I am going to be able to do it. I want to just run, hide and cry. I dont have the courage to do all this. I dont want to do this alone. I am very scared.

[sorryJason]

Oh my, thank you everyone for giving me such an ego boost! I really didn't think that post was all that great, I actually thought I started to get way of the original topic. I am glad if it actually helped anyone.

 

renaissancewoman101, I am sorry to hear about your current situation, I would go on a road trip with you, at least just for company! I know how it is to be lonely, I was in a similar situation when I had to move out of my house. It was the only place I actually felt that was "home" in a long time, and I was asked to leave by my ex. It was very painful, I had to go through all of our pics and letters, and everything else. She did not have anything to do with moving anything out.

 

It seems to be hard to live in a world where being single is not the "norm" society pushes us to couple up and have a family. We hear stories about how someone is so happy with their new family, etc and christmas time seems to amplify that pain. This was my first time in 6 years without having my ex with me, it was difficult to say the least, but I made it through! I actually had some fun, and I remember how I always had to try to make her feel at home at my parents, I always felt like I had to make sure she was taken care of at my parents, etc. Which made me feel a kind of "relief" that she was not there. (which is almost hard for me to believe now)

 

I think both of us are lucky because it was a pivotal point in my life too, starting a new and exciting career. At first I was so hurt that she would leave me, but now I am glad that she did. I was not happy in our relationship and I would get depressed all the time, I would blame her for things that were really my fault, I always though, if only I had this or that, or if only I could get a good job, or when I moved into a house, or...well it goes on and on. I know realize that I have to make myself happy where I am. I have to appreciate what I have right now, and live my life to the fullest that I can. My ex has given me a totally new life, yes somedays I do still slip back to my old way of thinking, but most days I can't even recognize myself anymore!

 

It is hard to not pine over the ex, especially at first, but as the days go on, you start to realize that they are not the only one who will love you, there are other people in this world besides them, it really helps to have good friends and family to be there for you durring the harder times, but for the most part you have to be strong for yourself.

 

Don't be scared, be excited! This is a new start for you, you can become someone new! Just like me, you can re-invent yourself, become the person you always wanted to be, what is stopping you? I know how you feel sitting there all alone, looking at the life that has ended, all those memories that you can't let go of, and you know what? You don't have to let go of them, just put them to the side for now. Try to make new happy memories, and think about those new memories all the time, it has really worked for me, everytime I think about my ex, and all the happy times we shared and how much I miss her, I think of a new memory I have made since she left me, be it with a best friend, friends from work, or with some new people I dated.

 

If I can offer you any advice and I know this is exactly what everyone else says, it will get better, time heals all wounds, and you will move on eventually. I used to think that is was all crap too, that it applied to everyone else but not me, but I realize now it is true. Take this time for yourself, do things you have always wanted to do, I am signing up for Scuba lessons! something I would have never thought of doing with my ex as she was scared of jumping into water. The best thing to do is to change yourself, better yourself, change you life into what you want it, don't expect the world to change your life, change you life and the world will change with it!

 

Take care of yourself, keep posting, it does help, and always remember you are not alone!