i must be a loser...the worst x-mas ever

[sukerbut]

just when you think i cant get any wosrt it does. jesus folks i completely destroyed myself friday night..as you know i called her and wished her a merry x-mas..i told her i was going to go to colorodo fro teh weekend.i was but i did not tell her i was flying stand by..well i could not get a seat so instead i went home and went out..friday night at the club..i am a complete mess..liek real bad..not loking good..its 3:30 am i turn around and its her and her 2 friends that i knwo standing there. all looking at me. i say hi and then i stumble to her hug her and profess my love to her in front of her and her friends looking like a total disaster..she sais no you dont you are just really messed up right now...Guys this had to be the worst feeling ever..i felt liek a total loser..a) she thinks i am a liar about colorodao..b)she saw me in teh worst most pathetick state ever. c) it happened in front of ehr friends. I have not seen her in 3 months..i have been preaching how i have been bettering myself and then this happens. This had tobe one of my worst nights ever in a very long time..i just wanted to crawl up into a whole and die. I dot even remember the conversation or the reaction from her,or even how she left..i completely embarrassed my self and fortified her decision on why she dumped me...Back to stage one..after a sei productive 3 months...i have to completely disapear from her now..i have never felt so low in my life..i felt liek a piece of trash on the dirty floor..IT WAS A DISSASTER night. I did not want to share that withyou guys becasue i am soembarrassed but i thought it would help for all of you to tell em what a lose ri am..unfortunately AGAIN!

[Day_Walker]

I dont believe that loving another person that doesnt love you back the same you love them makes you a loser maybe dillusional but not a loser. Collect yourself and realize that its all up from here. You cannot change what was done so learn from it.

[chai714]

Sukerbut,

 

This could be the experience you needed to really gather yourself.

 

Learn from it, stay away from her until you can really control your emotions, and take time to heal.

 

You're not the first man who has done this and unfortunately, not the last either. These things happen. Learn from them, learn how to contain your emotions, and move forward. Learning process.

[sukerbut]

no the loving part is fine..my actions and my appearnce made me feel liek a loser. this is not what i wanted her to see 3 months after the break..i complete drunken bafoon. i have lost 20 punds i have really bettered myself..but it was liek it was meant to be liket his..maybe this is what i really needed...me to mae a total fool of myself in order to realize that i have to stop thinking about ehr ever coming back..about em implementing strategys..after fridya night of hitting the lowest point ever any attempt to ever talk to ehr again will just make me look horrible..not that friday night did not make me look horrible..but that had to be the end...i had been good .. strong.etc...but friday was the truth coming out. i cant do this to me anymore..i say i respect myself..i say i am a somebody..but when you act and look the way i looked friday...i am now having second doubts about me . I jst feel really low and pathetick right now..i am trying to forget about the night but its hard

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

You are NOT a loser. I think everyone has made a fool of him/herself like that in the past. I know I have. But you are human...we make mistakes. Maybe this is what you needed in order for you to duck out of her life for good, kind of like a blessing in disguse. Hang in there, chin up. I know it sounds alwful right now but things are not as bad as they seem. Take care.

[Jut]

Sukerbut

Every morning when you wake up, first and foremost forgive yourself for what you think was wrong or embarressing. Everybody makes mistake and everybody learns. COncentrate on positive aspects of yourself. You lost 20 pounds and look and feel confident , right. Join a dancing class, flirt with chics there. Read new books, learn spanish, start cooking and experimenting. SHe is not the one for you and you are following her just to satisdy your own ego and getting hurt everytime.

 

Get up and get a life. You stumbled, so what, get up and show you can still go on even after all this. That my friend will make you earn respect for yourself.

[WildChild]

I think this. I think you need to write her a letter telling her it may not mean anything to her but that you wanted an opportunity to explain Friday night, the change of plans, etc... Don't make it all mushy, but an expression of how bad you felt for you being so drunk etc.... Send it or email it and then leave it alone. This way you have gotten to tell her and that you are sorry.

 

You are not a loser for loving her. And you are not a psychic, you didn't know she would be there. Are you suggesting that in the event you may run into her that now you should live your life constantly looking over your shoulder? No, I should hope not. Keep up the good work! You are doing fine!

[sukerbut]

i dont think writing a letter is going to do anything but annoy her more and make me feel liek a fool..again..i think i need to just disappear. she knows what she means to me..no need to embarrass myself any more..i am just going to sound liek a liar if i tell her the story of the stand by...i started writting the letter ad then thought i have written one too many letters..i have already made myself look so small in her eyes..no need to give her further ammo..right now or ever the letter means nothing..that night will mean nothing . an apology is not due..i love her.she does not love me .my feelings came out thats that. i care but i dont care..its not like we were in the verge of getting back together..i was reasureed that we were not goign to ever get back togehter a while ago..so i am just going to leave the situation alone..live my life and get out of hers..friday made me realize that i am not even close or ready to see her any time soon. i dont want to talk to her..i just want 2006 to start of bad and end up great..2005 startedof great and ended bad..so lets hope the roles reverse this upcoming year.

[Lady Bugg]

Suker...

 

I think you are over dramatizing things here.Yes you feel like a fool..but you WERE drinking. Even she said that. A VERY short email saying ...even something HUMOROUS would be better than beating yourself up. Don't say..God I feel so stupid for the way I acted ..etc. Instead poke fun at yourself...she might even appreciate that you have a sense of humor. No need to make this bigger than it is. I am sure she did NOT think you were a loser in the least. You were merely acting like someone who's been drinking too much. I bet if you email her (something light and funny) she will reply. Just NO apologizing. THAT is what makes you look weak!!!

[sukerbut]

YEAH but you see my drinking was an issue for her.especially towrds the end of the relationship..the drinking helped destroy the relationship that why i am nervous to tell her anything..i have told her that i have been good with it.i am not an alcoholic..but when i go out..the flood gateds open..towards the end of our relationship it starting becoming a problem..i have told her i have been controlling it and i have..but since we broke up there are times that i slip..like friday!...what do you think? i dont really think she wants to hear it. (but then again when i confronted her with her exesive pot smoking she never changed..and i still loved her...i was thinking as time passed she would slow down but she did not..it was a big issue for me) i dont know waht to do..i am just in a bad place right now. i just keep digging a deeper whole for my self ..the way i see it..is that she is done with me..why further the pain but at the same time i want her to forgive me..i just dont know waht to do

[Lady Bugg]

Suker,

 

Why are you putting so much stock into HER opinion of YOU? She smokes pot...you drink. You both have your demons. As I said before, there's NO need to make this bigger than it is. You no longer have to PROVE anything to HER. You are no longer together. Regardless if you get her back or not, you will STILL have the issue of drinking too much..and that in itself can be a problem all on its own. YOU know that though. Suker, if she is going to sit in judgement on how you acted the ONE time she has seen you in months , then is she really WORTH all this aggravation?? You were in a BAR, what did she expect you be doing?

 

Suker, you need to sit still with yourself and ask if this woman is worth what you're putting yourself through. Is she worth this self torture? What is the payoff here?? Address what makes you reat to her the way you do with her. SHE is not the issue here..YOU are..because you are the ONLY one who can make these changes.

[JCAM22]

You know what to do....you just need to do it. Listening to all these suggestions will make you crazy....learn spanish?!? read a book?!? e-maill her?!? C'mon Suker, stop saying you don't know what to do!!! Yeah it hurts to come to the realization that she will not be in your life anymore but it is reality.....and, you want her to forgive you??? For what!!!! For breaking your heart and ruining all your dreams?? To hell with her, she is no good for you....and you know I can say that....just like my girl wasn't good for me!! Yeah it hurts, but I don't see HER on this website.....we should be waiting for the apology...and if we don't get it, well then they weren't meant to be with us!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR 2006!!!!

[Lady Bugg]

JCAM is righ tSuker.....he is telling you straight. The way you need to hear it...Tto hell with her.

 

2006 is a New Year. A clean slate.

[PocoDiablo]

Hey dude,

 

You know what? You were doing just fine until here...

 

and then i stumble to her hug her and profess my love to her in front of her and her friends looking like a total disaster..

So you missed a flight out? So what? So you went to a club, so what? You got TRASHED, so what? Who cares? It's no big deal!

 

But then you acted like a big baby who missed his mother and desperately needed her approval to be a person...

 

What in the world were you thinking? How is acting like a desperate and drunken fool attractive? You SO could have pulled that off by saying "Hey! What's up?" and then shutting your mouth. You could have told her "Yeah, I was on stand-by and didn't get a seat. So I decided to make the best of it and go out." That would have been perfectly fine. You could even have said "So why are you still trying to get with me, why'd you follow me here to the club? I know you still love me." with a wink and a smile. You COULD have done everything right.

 

So why did you act like a big baby instead? Why did you think that would make her drop to her knees and say she loved you? Do you have a reason? Have you done it before and it worked? Did you see some guy use that as a pick up line on a hottie at the bar and she left with him? Have you seen it in a movie? Well, if you have, don't trust the movies (they are almost always wrong in terms of dating advice, guy gets girl, etc. Yes, even Hitch.)

 

Do you know why you are so sad and miserable? It's because you have the social skills of a child, yet you are trying to maintain an adult relationship. Unless you take your blinders off and accept the fact that you aren't so great at dealing with women and take some initiative to LEARN how to be better, LEARN how to grow, LEARN how to be great, LEARN what you are doing wrong and then LEARN how to act better.... until then you can expect to get worse and worse.

 

So, yes, I think you are a loser at this point. But I was a huge loser, too. I did practically the same thing (except for I cried on her shoulder in my car.) She ran so fast I never saw or heard from her again. Guess what, buddy? Women don't like overgrown babies like you are or I was. They want a man who is mature, calm, respectful, honest, has self-control, self-respect, confidence, and is not utterly and completely boring, throwing themselves at her feet. In front of her friends. How embarrasing for her.

 

You need some serious learning. The only reason why you need her so bad is because if you can get her back it means you never have to grow up, you never have to become an adult, you never have to learn to talk to women. So hanging onto her just serves to prevent you from growing up. She allows you to act like a child and that is what you love.

 

She lets you have the easy way out. Now you are on your own. I've been there, it sucks. But you DO need to grow now. You DO need to take the initiative for yourself.

[sukerbut]

my friend diablo...i am sorry to tell you this i do not have the social skills of a child. I was extremly messed up. i have had many successful realtionships...unforutnatly i chose to end them..this one is my kryptonite. this one is the only one to do this to me. of course i wanted to be cool..but i could not even remember the context of the conversation..there were many emotions running through me plus my drunnkeness... shock for seeing her there..shock of seeing her and her seeing me in the horrible state i was in..and just plain shock of seeing her after 3 months. it sucked..i know but it happened...when people are drunk they make phone calls..i do not..but seeing her there..all my emotions came out. believe me i did not want them too..they just did..due to the exess of alcohol and whatever else was in my system. i know what it takes to be in a successful realtionship..she on the other hand does not. i have dated sucesful women , young women..and i have always been in control...i know what ti takes to be happy in a relationship. she does not know anything..her longest relationship was with me..10 full months. she goes from guy to guy until the going gets tough and then she leaves..she is like a parisite..feed of the host and when she is done goes to the next. I KNOW THIS her friends know this..what .. you think i acted lie this on purpose..it happened. its over..but guess what the relationship was over months ago also..in the end it all means nothing. I was weak. I missed her..my natural instinct was to run to her...have 15 jack and diets and then you tell me how you would act...

[pilot1ab]

Sukerbut my brother....we have all done things under the influence of alchohol, that we woke up and felt really stupid about. If I could only tell you some of my drunken stories. The point is that it doesn't really matter what you did, or what she thinks of you. Has she made any effort to get back with you recently? Wasn't she in a club with her friends...WITHOUT YOU? Sukerbut, I hate to say this, but the sooner you realize that she isn't worth your time or energy, the sooner you will stop feeling so bad. Don't beat yourself up....I say again...we have all been there. Easier said then done, believe me I know. My point is you are your own man. No one can ever take that away from you. I REPEAT, NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU. NO matter how drunk, or how pathetic you feel you were. I am just now starting to see that. Why should you feel bad getting drunk, when your heart aches. Learn from this. Everything happens to us so we can grow. For god sakes though don't beat yourself up. Remember you are your own man, and she is something that isn't worth the energy to worry about. Who cares if she saw you drunk. Who cares if you acted like any drunken dude would. She has moved on.....it doesn't matter if you were like Casanova that night......she has moved on. Now you need to also. I know your pain my brother....I share it. Take some pride in who you are....Poco is right, don't be to harsh on him. We totally revert to children and become very needy when faced with this. Learn my friend, as I am trying to do, and all of us at enotalone are trying to do. We need to let go of the past, and look at future....we all live, we all breathe, and we all care...otherwise we wouldn't be here. Once again easier said then done, but it has to be done....

[moondog627]

I think you're being a little harsh here. LOTS of people, both male and female, have had their embarrasing drunken moments. Just because you've read a couple of self-help books and have learned to be a man who is "mature, calm, respectful, honest, has self-control, self-respect, confidence", doesn't mean you're immune from having weak moments, or failed relationships for that matter. Even the best of us can hit the bottom.

 

 

 

"Social Skills of a child?" How can you make that assumption after one drunken instance? Have you never been drunk and stupid? Having an embarrasing drunken moment doesn't mean you have the social skills of a child.

 

 

 

Again, just because you were some loser that read a couple self-help books (which aren't bad by the way) and learned how to "be a man" doesn't make other guys who've had failed relationships or drunken moments "losers" or socially inept.

 

 

 

Maybe you're right. I'm sure all of us could use some learning. I don't think at any moment any of us will "get it". Relationships are very complex things. People are very complex. Maybe he just needs someone who's right for him.

[Jut]

I am not taking any ones side but i wont try to please any one either. Poco's thoughts might be a little bit on the harsh side but generally the truth hurts.

 

Moondog

Getting drunk is no justifiable excuse for anything. WOuld you act stupid when you are driving home from a club and get caught for a DUI breath test by a cop. Would you justify cheating coz one is drunk?

 

Sukerbut

I know it hurts a lot to realize that you have done something embarressing, but dont be harsh on urself. Everybody does that , but few ppl learn. I am sure next time you have such a scenario with any of the exes you will know how to deal with them. I used to tell my gf "i am leavin" at parties and then stand there outside the door waiting for her to come. Everyone has a weak moment that can be interpreted by lots of people as embaressing or LOSER moments. One moment doesnt make u a loser. But not learning from it and doing it again will surely do that.

[moondog627]

Moondog

Getting drunk is no justifiable excuse for anything. WOuld you act stupid when you are driving home from a club and get caught for a DUI breath test by a cop. Would you justify cheating coz one is drunk?

 

Really? Have you ever been drunk? There's no way you can make a comparison to acting foolish and driving drunk. It's the combination of being drunk AND in pain emotionally that led suker to do what he did. Have you ever watched COPS and seen one of them pull over a drunk dude? They (the drunk person) ALMOST ALWAYS acts like an a**. I wouldn't justify cheating because someone is drunk. But guess what, lot's of people do. You know why??? Cuz lots of people do stupid ish when they're drunk. How well you can control yourself all depends on how drunk you are. And I'm really shocked that you don't understand that at your age. You obviously never got sh*t-faced.

[Lady Bugg]

LOL....I have done LOTS of stupid things when drunk. I have "drunk dialed" (oh god the horor) Heck I have drunk emailed!!! The email itself was not bad..it was the fact i did it...with NO typos

 

I have danced shamelessly with another girl while drunk..and we kissed on the dance floor ..LOL (So I was told). Just think Suker..YOU could have been booty dancing with another guy!!! You got off easy!

 

Let's give Suker a break here. He was drunk and acted like a drunk guy who lost his girlfriend. It's not a crime...it happens. Much worse has happened!!!

 

Just make sure it doesn't happen again in the new year....

[moondog627]

Hahaha that's too funny Lady Bugg. And you are very right. People do stupid things when they're drunk. That might shock some people but it's the truth. Doesn't make you a bad person. I wouldn't pat suker on the back after that and say "way to play it man." He should definitely make an effort not to repeat that performance in the future. Having said that, I don't think you could make the "analysis" Poco did from that one anecdote.

[Lady Bugg]

I think Poco meant well..but I agree his analysis was a bit harsh. Now if He does this EVERYTIME he drinks or goes to a club..then there are ISSUES....

 

The thought of him booty dancing brought a big cheezy grin to MY face...don't know about anyone else..LOL

[PocoDiablo]

I think Poco meant well..but I agree his analysis was a bit harsh.

Thank you - of course I only mean well. Why else would I be here?

 

And to be fair, here I am trying to help by analyzing some written text over the Internet. And you should ALL please note that I *actually* went through EVERY post he made on the site - all 150 of them - before I replied and tried to figure out what happened. So please, give me a *little* credit, I really *am* trying to help.

 

I think you're being a little harsh here. LOTS of people, both male and female, have had their embarrasing drunken moments. Just because you've read a couple of self-help books and have learned to be a man who is "mature, calm, respectful, honest, has self-control, self-respect, confidence", doesn't mean you're immune from having weak moments, or failed relationships for that matter. Even the best of us can hit the bottom.

Yes, I was a little harsh. Sorry for that, I got wrapped up in it because he was doing so good and then slipped.

 

And yes, we all have drunken stupid moments. But 15 drinks? That's a lot. He does not really need that right now. It did not help him, that's all I am trying to point out. Yes, we all have weak moments, but since I cannot hang out with him when he goes out the best I can do is try to drive a point home. If I could hang out with him, I would. And I would not let him get 15 drinks! Yikes!

 

And no, I have not "just read a couple of self-help books." That's insulting. I have a degree in psychology with an emphasis on hypnosis, mind control, and the subconscious working of the mind. I have also spent the past 5 years developing a theory of relationships and am currently writing a book on it. So, really, I'm the guy writing the self-help book. It's just sooooo frustrating to see what so many people are going through. It drives me crazy! He is missing *something* that is holding him back. I don't know what it is. I think it's the fact that he as not come to the realization that this woman is bad for him, but he allows it. He has no standards, and to me that's because no one taught him how to deal with social issues - relationship issues more specifically - in a better way. I use words that I think apply to get your attention - to try and help.

 

Got your attention, didn't I?

 

Maybe you're right. I'm sure all of us could use some learning. I don't think at any moment any of us will "get it". Relationships are very complex things. People are very complex. Maybe he just needs someone who's right for him.

I agree completely. He just needs something to wake him up. I was trying to say it like I saw it. Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong, but this is what *I* saw. Maybe sukerbut will read my post and say to himself "Whoa, is this really what people think of when the see that? Is that the image I want to project?" Maybe, just maybe, I'll say something that ends up with a little light bulb going on over his head and he goes "OH! Hey! I think I figured something out!" Who knows. We are very complex. I think he needs a different woman. I won't tell you what I think of herm because it's not good.

 

Suffice to say I would tell any guy on this board to dump her - and I would, too.

 

I just want to try and point out what I SEE.

 

That's all I want to do. But I cannot do a great job of that unless I have all the details. From his posts I see a lot of anger and confusion. He is having a very hard time with this, and it's only getting worse. He's STUCK on it, too. Have you seen his first few posts? He was so strong! I don't know what happened, he seems to be losing strength after that - stuck on the same issues. I'm just trying to figure out why.

 

my friend diablo...i am sorry to tell you this i do not have the social skills of a child. I was extremly messed up. i have had many successful realtionships...unforutnatly i chose to end them..this one is my kryptonite. this one is the only one to do this to me. of course i wanted to be cool..but i could not even remember the context of the conversation..there were many emotions running through me plus my drunnkeness... shock for seeing her there..shock of seeing her and her seeing me in the horrible state i was in..and just plain shock of seeing her after 3 months. it sucked..i know but it happened...when people are drunk they make phone calls..i do not..but seeing her there..all my emotions came out. believe me i did not want them too..they just did..due to the exess of alcohol and whatever else was in my system. i know what it takes to be in a successful realtionship..she on the other hand does not. i have dated sucesful women , young women..and i have always been in control...i know what ti takes to be happy in a relationship. she does not know anything..her longest relationship was with me..10 full months. she goes from guy to guy until the going gets tough and then she leaves..she is like a parisite..feed of the host and when she is done goes to the next. I KNOW THIS her friends know this..what .. you think i acted lie this on purpose..it happened. its over..but guess what the relationship was over months ago also..in the end it all means nothing. I was weak. I missed her..my natural instinct was to run to her...have 15 jack and diets and then you tell me how you would act...

15 jack & cokes and I would be in the ER with alcohol poisoning! And hey, I am FINE with you telling me how it is. That's all I wanted.

 

But did you read what you just told me? Did you put together the pieces like I did? Here is what I read:

 

1. I care about her.

2. She is a parasite.

 

I know you did not do this on purpose, but ... then why the big story? I was just trying to help, and I apologize if you don't want help. You can tell me to go away any time and I will!

 

But if you want an outside perspective, then ... you contradict yourself. It's hard to give you advice if even you can't get it to us straight. This is the biggest problem I have - that I cannot "get" what is going on.

 

Dude, you're 30 years old. You've dated her three times and broke up. She talks to her ex. She (apprently) cheated on you with her ex at the halloween party. You were f-buddies. You bought her companionship. She got phone calls from other guys. You dumped her. Worked out. Tried to move on. You're still stuck on her. Why?

 

Do you remember saying this:

 

and the best part is that i am sittting herre figuring what bad things i did in the relationship..unreal

What happened? What did you figure out? This is what I am trying to point out. Social skills. Mistakes.

 

I'm just trying to help, really.

[moondog627]

Wow, so is that how you would talk to one of your patients? It's possible to be frank and upfront with somebody while maintaining a sense of sympathy. That's all I'm saying. I know you're just trying to help, but how you said it wasn't very helpful in my opinion. And while I do commend you for your education, love is not an exact science.

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, it's a fine line of trying to deliver the message and also be nice about it - and it's hard. And of course, sometimes - being human and all - we can get defensive. I was having a bad day yesterday, my apologies.

 

Advice is not an exact science either!

 

So sukerbut, what's going on now?