Am I crazy for the way I feel?

[novaseeker]

Well, it's very soon after your most recent breakup, to be honest, and you're not ready to move on. The first part of moving on from your ex is letting him go, really, which you haven't done yet because you're still interested in whether he will come back.

 

Once you move to SD, you really should set a deadline for yourself (a month, maybe shorter, hopefully), after which you will do forward looking things and not backward looking things relating to your most recent ex. You'll be in a new place, and you should meet a new circle of friends and do things that interest you and find a new love that way. Your self-esteem is hurt now, and it's okay to be hurt to be honest, but at some point after you move you need to point yourself forward and begin to take small steps to move yourself in that direction.

[Mun]

Let's say you divorce the husband and your ex still does not come back to you. You'll be out of options at that point. And if he did, you would have to deal with the other issues--you don't feel he is still at your "level" financially or emotionally. Those things have not changed.

 

Honey, divorce because as the others said, you won't find a respectable man that would accept that situation. Your best friend won't abandon you anyway. He could still keep up that appearance of being straight... so many ppl are divorced nowadays right?

 

Seriously, this phone call from your ex's mom has set you back so much. I hope you don't change the plans you had.

[Hope75]

Mun and the others are right.... I don't think that divorcing your friend is going to bring your ex back. I don't think that anything is, he's made up his mind and moved on.

 

BUT.... don't stay in a marriage of convenience simply because you are afraid to be alone. Your "husband" left the state, you don't have a normal marriage relationship with him anyway, and by staying married to him you virtually ruin your chance of finding a serious boyfriend in the future who will understand your situation and respect it. Do you think you would be OK with dating a man who was married to a lesbian? Wouldn't you feel it would put a damper on a serious future?

 

Your gay friend isn't going to stop being there for you if you divorce him. You aren't getting anything out of this "marriage" that you wouldn't get out of a friendship with him. I have a very close gay friend and we support each other in all out endeavors, but we are each seriously involved with someone else. Your gay friend has a bf. What about you? You are off in the dust.

 

Honey, as Annie said, you deserve a committed relationship and a marriage that is everything it is supposed to be, love, respect, sexual attraction and gratification, passion, friendship.... you rule that out by staying married to your friend.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, yes my marriage does put a damper on any serious relationship that I can have with anybody. And yes, I probably will not get my ex back no matter how hard I try. It is just that his mother's phone call gave me hope, hope that I had been trying so hard to forget about. It is very hard for me to move on when I have some small hope. Sometimes, I wish she had not called me and told me that the ex still had feelings for me, because, in a way, it was cruel of her to do so, right before I am about to move. Because, now I am scared about moving away. I miss the ex a lot and the holidays are hard to deal with, esp w/o the ex.

 

I want to know one thing from you people, how do you guys manage to go on and establish new relationships, esp after you invest so much time and effort into one, it turns out long term, and then the SO dumps you and leaves you. How do you guys deal with it and manage to go on and find new love relationships??? Doesnt that hurt stay with you? Arent you kind of afraid of trusting someone else??? I have always been afraid of being hurt since I have been emotionally hurt many times in my life by my mother. It is hard for me to trust someone, that is why I made the marriage arrangement with my best friend. I could not deal with having my heart broken again and again. It eats away at your self-esteem after awhile. I know what it is like to get one's heart broken, that is why I hate it, and I also make it a known fact that I try not to break people's hearts, hence why I stayed with the ex for a long time, even after feelings had dampened. I also was scared about why my feelings for the ex were dissipating. The way he was so into me and the way he worshipped me so much, I never thought he would leave me, but then I treated him badly because I lost my feelings for him and then he dumped me. Now, I am grieveing badly over this whole thing. I had thought that since I lost my feelings for him, when he did dump me, it would not be that hard to get over him. Boy was I wrong about that.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am really bad. I guess I can give up hope now. I know you guys are going to get mad at me but I went and gave his mother a call to see how the ex is doing. The mother was happy to hear from me and she talked to me for a while. Something changed but I am not sure what. Now she doesnt seem to be as hopeful about me and the ex getting back together. She does think that I should still clean up my life and divorce my best friend, but she says she doesnt have a crystal ball to see if the ex will come back to me or not. She did say that the last time she talked to him, he still had feelings for me. I told her that I would keep in touch with her and she was ok about that. I dont know. I dont understand people. Am I really being naieve here about things, really????? She still tells me that I should always have hope and take it one day at a time. But she tells me that in order for me to get the ex back or another guy, I have to get rid of my current situation. I did find this out, she only knew about my marriage thing about 6 months ago. I am confused about this whole thing. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch before I moved away, but she said she was busy with things, so I was like ok. I am confused, why is she like this with me now, considering two weeks ago, she called me to tell me to keep hope alive and that there is a chance. WHY DO PEOPLE GO OUT TO INTENTIONALLY HURT ME??? WHAT THE HELL DO I DO TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO HURT ME? DO I HAVE DOORMAT WRITTEN ALL OVER ME???? PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DID THAT???

[healinginnyc81]

I am sorry that people hurt you. I have been hurt many times too by my mother and pretty much every parent figure I've had. So I know exactly what you mean about being afraid of being hurt and not wanting to hurt anyone else.

 

No one here will be mad at you for calling her. Sometimes the confusion is so much that we feel we have to call. I called my ex a couple days ago after 2 weeks apart. It helped me in some way to let go of hope, although it still brought up more feelings for her. We're here to support and encourage you.

 

Why is his mother acting like this? His mother may have originally thought that you were good for him and that he made a mistake in leaving, but maybe she has realized that he needs to work things out for himself and it isn't her place to interfere. I'm not sure but I hope you can try to realize that you are a great person because after being hurt the way you were, you could've just gotten angry and hurt others. Instead you've chosen to avoid hurting others because you are a caring person. I hope that by moving you can start believing in yourself again and believe that you will be happy with or without your ex.

[renaissancewoman101]

Does anybody else have any insight into this??? I know I am being a foolish woman for having done that and everybody must think I am stupid or something like that. I want to understand why people would do this to me.

[Lady Bugg]

Hi RW...

 

I have followed your thread from start to finish and with all due respect, it seems like your life is completely filled with unnecessary drama. Seriously. You sound like a very sweet woman with a lot to offer the right guy. Why are you pining for this ONE guy? Look out your front door.....there is a WHOLE world to discover!!! You're moving to San Diego....a great city full of HOT GUYS!!! Why don't you think you are worthy of that?? THAT is the question you should be asking yourself here RW. WHAT is holding you back??? So your ex'es mom called you? Big deal. That means NOTHING. Whatever her intentions were should not be dictating YOUR decision to live YOUR life. YOU are a grown woman!!! Act like one.

 

Stop looking for reasons to NOT make good decisions for yourself. You are in complete control of your life..remember that. Only YOU can change the course of your life......so start right NOW..

[renaissancewoman101]

LadyBugg, I just have problems with letting go of things. I feel real bad that, in a way, I drove my ex to dump me. He had known about my marriage not too long in the relationship, and this year, when I started to lose my feelings for him, I pulled away from him and started to treat him badly. Towards the end, he questioned me many times as to where I saw this relationship going, and I couldnt tell him where I saw it going, and my answer was always "I dont know". He also asked me when I was going to divorce my husband, and I told him "I dont know". Towards the end, I lost my feelings for the ex and pushed him away. It is now that I realize how good and patient he was with me and now I really want him back.

 

It is hard to look into the future, even though the future is right in front of me. I am just so scared of things right now. I am scared that I MAY NEVER find someone. It is just hard and last week I was beginning to move on with my life, and then his mother calls me and gives me hope, now I am all messed up again.

[Lady Bugg]

RW...

 

How could your ex even take you seriously when YOU were married to ANOTHER guy and when he asked where things were going..you said "I don't know"..THEN you treated him like crap. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see WHY he doesn't want to come back. I am not trying to be harsh. I'm just being REAL. Truthfully I would NEVER go back to a situation like that.

 

I think your best bet is to stay with your plan and move to S.D. and get on with your life. This chapter is over.

[renaissancewoman101]

He knew about the marriage early on. I told him when we started getting serious and he knew that there was nothing sexual going on between me and my husband because my husband is GAY. I do have some emotional attachment to my husband though.

 

I am hoping that maybe, somewhere down the road, if I do divorce my husband, I can get the ex to come back to me. I have a feeling the ex would have stayed with me if I had told him that I was going to divorce the husband soon and gave him concrete plans about it. He asked about it alot at the end and he wanted to see where our relationship was going. I shouldnt have shot myself in the foot by saying "I dont know" but I was losing my feelings for him too and could not stand being around him. It is just that lately, since the breakup, I have missed him a lot and wanted him back so much.

[Lady Bugg]

I apologize for being harsh with you RW....I am not in your position and it's easy for me to give you advice when I'm not in your shoes. It's obvious you care about this guy, but truthfully , you holding onto him is holding you back.

I have seen SO many posters try to give you good sound advice and you don't seem to grasp it. Everyone here wants to see you move on and be happy. You deserve to be happy and this is not what is going to make you happy. Pining for someone who does not want to be with you anymore is not a way of life for anyone.

 

I wish you all the best RW....take care of yourself.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am trying to move on, hence that is the reason why I am moving away to San Diego. It is my way of moving on with my life and my way of coping with the situation. I do have a lot of regrets and I know I tend to have an obsessive personality, although I am not a stalker type of a person either.

[novaseeker]

Well, when you get to SD, try to get the divorce moving along as well, give yourself time to work through the emotions of letting go of your recent ex, and then, when you're ready, begin to meet people again, without the strings of being married to your best friend.

[renaissancewoman101]

Novaseeker, I am going to get the divorce moving along. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I NEVER told him about the marriage. I didnt have to tell him because my husband and I dont live together but I told him because I felt bad last year, esp since he was getting so into me at that time. I found out that his mother only found out 6 months ago.

 

Do you guys think I am doing stalkerish type behaviors??? I was trying to forget about him, then his mother calls and makes me start thinking again about thing and giving me hope about getting back together with him.

 

It is very hard for me to forget about the ex. I still have feelings about him and still think about him on a daily basis.

 

I am thinking about sending him a card and a poem about friendship that I composed. What do you think?

[novaseeker]

Novaseeker, I am going to get the divorce moving along. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I NEVER told him about the marriage. I didnt have to tell him because my husband and I dont live together but I told him because I felt bad last year, esp since he was getting so into me at that time. I found out that his mother only found out 6 months ago.

 

Well you would have had to have told him at some point. It was really just a question of time. I mean, your bf has a right to know you're married, even if only technically or for "show" reasons. So I wouldn't agonize about this, it's something that would have come out in any case, and had to.

 

Do you guys think I am doing stalkerish type behaviors??? I was trying to forget about him, then his mother calls and makes me start thinking again about thing and giving me hope about getting back together with him.

 

I don't think it's stalkerish, provided you don't keep calling and contacting and swinging by in person and all of that.

 

I am thinking about sending him a card and a poem about friendship that I composed. What do you think?

 

Not a great idea, in my view. All it will do is focus your thoughts more on him, and how, if at all, he is going to respond, when in reality you need to move on past him. I know it's hard because he's still in your thoughts on a daily basis ... but the sooner you stop contacting him and his family (even in friendly ways), the easier it will be to move past this difficult part of the separation anxiety.

 

You will meet someone else. Look at it this way .... you didn't think you would meet someone else when you got married to your best friend, right? That's one of the reasons why you married him. Yes, lo and behold, you met someone else. Right now you're thinking the same thing ... you're not going to meet someone else, so you're reaching out and trying to recover a relationship with someone with whom you know you're not compatible. But you have to realise that at some point you will meet someone else ... he's not the lasst one, or your only chance at a relationship. Soon enough you'll be in a new town, with new people and the opportunity to start from a clean slate again. You will meet someone new, even if you don't think you will now.

[renaissancewoman101]

Novaseeker, I just have to keep that in mind that when I move out to San Diego, I will meet someone new and make new friends. I know I have to keep that in mind. It is just hard because I have problems with letting go of relationships, etc. Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me to do in my life. That is why I cling to my best friend. I tend to be a very shy person that although I am friendly in an outward sense, I have a hard time developing and keeping friendships. I either get clingy or I get weird about it. I dont have very good social skills.

 

It is hard to move on, even though it is the right thing to do, it is still very hard and I have a hard time letting go of feelings for someone, esp during this time of year when the holidays are around and I feel sad about things. His mother gave me hope that i did want to have, esp right around the time of me moving away.

[annie24]

oh hon - you don't have to let go of your best friend.... not entirely. You have to remove the "husband" part of the equation, but you two will still be best friends!

[renaissancewoman101]

I want to know one thing from you people, how do you guys manage to go on and establish new relationships, esp after you invest so much time and effort into one, it turns out long term, and then the SO dumps you and leaves you. How do you guys deal with it and manage to go on and find new love relationships??? Doesnt that hurt stay with you? Arent you kind of afraid of trusting someone else??? I have always been afraid of being hurt since I have been emotionally hurt many times in my life by my mother.

 

How do you guys have the fortitude to go on? I have been hurt a few times and am afraid to get involved in new relationships because of fear of having my heart broken.

[Hawk]

No the hurt doesn't stay with you forever - it dulls and fades - never goes away - but it does get better. I was in my last relationship for 7 years and had some of the best times of my life. Would I risk not having that again - no I wouldn't because the good times outweigh the bad and even though the pain was huge, each day gets a bit better and I know something better is out there waiting for me.

[novaseeker]

Well, the issue is that if you don't take some risk, there is no possibility of reward. Yes, when you get involved in another love relationship and make yourself vulnerable, there is always the risk of being hurt ... that's the vulnerability part. But unless you're willing to run that risk, you can't really get close to someone and get the great benefits that come from being in a close, emotionally intimate relationship. You can "manage" that risk by not jumping into relationships emotionally, not committing emotionally too early, by taking things slowly, by dating many people until a really good one comes along who is worth an emotional investment, etc., but at some level you have to realise that without some kind of emotional risk, there isn't room for real emotional intimacy.

[Hope75]

Well, the issue is that if you don't take some risk, there is no possibility of reward. Yes, when you get involved in another love relationship and make yourself vulnerable, there is always the risk of being hurt ... that's the vulnerability part. But unless you're willing to run that risk, you can't really get close to someone and get the great benefits that come from being in a close, emotionally intimate relationship.

 

novaseeker hit it dead on with this one I think.

 

It elaborates on the principle that "nothing ventured, nothing gained."

 

You are going to have to put yourself out there and make yourself available if you want a shot at a new, healthy relationship. As long as you hold onto the ex who no longer wants you, you close off that possibility.

 

I would not send him a poem. It's just a masked attempt to get his attention. Honey, he has a girlfriend and has moved on. Let him go.