Am I crazy for the way I feel?

[renaissancewoman101]

I do want to know from all you guys who have known my postings for the past few months since Sept., concerning my breakup with my ex., do I sound like I am crazy??? Sometimes, I feel as though I annoy everybody, my friends, even the people on here about my obsession with my ex. I have tried to move on, it is so hard. I dont know how you people CAN move on. With me, I am trying to move on and have succeeded somewhat, hence my move to CA and finding of a new job. But, my ex's mother's phone call has unnerved me because she gives me a small shred of hope that I am not sure I want. I am afraid of letting the demons out of the box again and going through the depression and sadness of the ex dumping me. The funny thing is, I WAS GETTING TIRED OF MY EX AND DIDNT LIKE TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM ANYMORE, when he dumped me. A few weeks after he dumped me, I felt as though I had let the best thing in my life go to pot. Then I beat up on myself for letting that relationship go and did everything I could to try to get the relationship back.

 

Now, I am trying to move on, but the phone call gives me hope, even though, last night, I talked to the ex about reconciling with our mutual friend and he seemed indifferent to me. I am so confused. I personally dont think there is hope, not after how the ex was indifferent to me last night. I dont see how his mom can SEE hope being there, but then she knows him best.

 

Am I crazy for being the way I am? DO I drive you guys all nuts like I am driving my friends nuts over this??? Please let me know, is the way I am feeling and reacting even NORMAL????

[novaseeker]

Yes it's normal.

 

You have separation anxiety, as we all get, even when we are getting tired of the person we were with and didnt want to be with them any more ... they take up that "relationship" slot in our lives, and when they are gone, that leaves a hole there and it's quite painful, even if you know the breakup was for the best.

 

It hasn't been all that long for you, really. Don't beat yourself up. Yes, his mother's call was a setback because it was a breaking of NC, and every breaking of NC will result in some memories, some pain, some hopes (for some people) and generally set you back for a day or more.

 

What you can do for yourself is to pick yourself up and continue on without contacting your ex and his family for a while and just try to move forward. Set a deadline for yourself for the grieving part ... maybe another month, maybe another 2 months, and stay away from contacting him during that time.

[Hope75]

My friend's fiance cheated on her 16 months ago, 3 weeks before their wedding. She dumped him. She'd been doing really well this year and thought she was really over him. A few weeks ago out of the blue he called her. Since then she's been a wreck!

 

It happens.

 

You are allowed to greive and feel sad and feel the loss. You do know that this is for the best, but it still hurts.

 

Try your best to focus on what's coming up for you, rather than the past. You have a big move, where you will be closer to your friends. This time of year is always difficult when you've recently been through a breakup too.

 

Hang tight, in a few weeks you'll be on your way to a new life.

[ghozt]

you need to move on i know its hard but ive leard to go on from some of the most horribal break ups or death of a lover and ive found the way to go on just have no contact with them or there family until your ready for them

[Mun]

I don't think you're crazy. It is hard to let go of someone that you loved and it's especially difficult at this time of year. You just have to get through it and keep moving on.

 

You had said before that his mother is a manipulative lady, she sure sounds like it. Don't put too much weight on what she says, no matter how bad she wants you and her son back together, it's up to him---and you. You really don't want her in your business. I think the saying goes "too many cooks spoil the soup"

 

It's normal to question your decisions and be a bit scared of the future, but don't look back. Always look forward....

[annie24]

Hi - Is it possible that you miss the "idea of him" more than you actually miss him? Do you miss having a boyfriend to watch movies on saturday nights with more that you actually miss having him around?

 

Just an idea.

 

His mom does sound very manipulative. Don't let her throw you off balance.

 

You are going to have a great future!

[renaissancewoman101]

I am trying hard not to look back and to look forward. It is just that I have soo much to do before I move away. The movers are coming in on Wed to move my stuff out. I still really havent packed yet, or cleaned up the place. I need to throw out a lot of stuff. I have no motivation to do that. I spent all my days on the computer, why I dont know. I am looking forward to moving out to San Diego, it is just the interim time is so depressing, esp with the holidays.

 

Yes, it has not been that long since the ex broke up with me. Last night I talked to him about arranging a meeting between him and our mutual friend. The ex had told me the last two times we went out that he wanted me to talk to the mutual friend and not have her be mad at him and that he was hurt by her actions to him. I finally convinced the mutual friend to meet up with him but last night, he was indifferent about it and indifferent about talking to me. I think he was waiting for a phone call when I called. NOt sure.

 

His mother's call to me earlier this week, is wreaking havoc on my emotions. She tells me that she wants me to move on to San Diego but to keep in touch with her and that there is hope still with the ex, but that I have to get rid of my two friends. Why would she do that? She does want me to move on, but why give me some hope??? WHY???? Is she doing this to hurt me, help me, what????? She knows I still love the ex and she does think I am the best one for him, but can she really bring him back?????

 

I am moving on, but this makes me sad??? I do want the ex back and was hoping that me moving on would bring him back, not bring his mother back to tell me to keep hope alive.

 

Why are people so hard to understand??? I know she means well for her son and me, but can she pull of the impossible???Annie24, I do miss the idea of having a bf around. It was nice to be able to have someone you could turn to, depend on, share a bed with, share experiences with, etc. I feel very empty right now, esp since the holidays are here. Times like this, I miss the ex a lot. If his mom can work a miracle and bring him back to me, God bless her, although I dont know how she is going to do that. I am moving on with my life. I have no other choice since I have gotten a new place elsewhere. Her call gave me hope and she wants me to keep in touch. Does she mean that in all sincerity??? or is she trying to hurt me too? Doesnt she think that once I move out there, I may meet a guy and forget about the ex??? Does she really want us to get back together or is this some sick game???? I am so afraid of keeping some hope alive. I am moving away and that is painful enough already.

[Hope75]

His mother can think you are the best for him all she wants, but in the end HE is the adult who makes decisions about who HE wants to be with, not her.

 

He has made his choice. Don't let his mother rattle you.

 

You have alot going for you. I wonder how much of what Annie said was true, that you miss the idea of an actual boyfriend more than you miss HIM.

 

You yourself said you were losing feelings for him before he left you.

[novaseeker]

I kind of agree with Hope. I think what you are feeling is the loss of "a love" rather than this particular love. There many things about him you didn't like, your feelings for him were cooling. And then when the breakup came it was hard as heck because of the emptiness, of the fact that you no longer have a person (not necc that specific person) to be there as your BF and do BF things with and take that place in your life. That's perfectly normal and it's just something we go through when we break up with someone, even if we know it's for the best.

 

I would not put much stock in the mother of the ex. It's not her relationship, and she could have an agenda quite separate and apart from your ex, and certainly from you.

[renaissancewoman101]

It is hard to keep a stiff upper lip and move on. I still have feelings for the ex, meaning I still care about and think about him. But, if I really think deep and hard, I miss the idea of having a bf and having someone to do stuff with, esp around the holidays. With him, he gave me a sense of family around the holidays because I usually spent the holidays with his family and they always made me feel very welcome. I miss that because I am going to be alone for the holidays (not exactly, I am going to spend Christmas with the mutual friend) and not have a SO in my life.

 

Yes, I do have a lot going for me. I have to keep that in mind as I move on. It is just that I do miss him and it took a while for me to somewhat get over him but then his mother's phone call rattled me very much. I still dont understand her motive for calling me. She knows I am moving away and her son has a new gf, then how can she read some of his actions as he still has feelings for me??? The thing is, she does know him well since he is her son. I miss him because I feel bad for him and what has been happening to him. He is probably going to lose his job and his life hasnt been all that great either, from what I hear. I wish I could rescue him and be there for him, but I cant.

 

I know I sound like a broken record. I am pathetic. I am so tempted to send him a birthday card and a small gift (his birthday is Jan. 2), but I wont.

 

Moving on is hard

[novaseeker]

It is hard to keep a stiff upper lip and move on. I still have feelings for the ex, meaning I still care about and think about him. But, if I really think deep and hard, I miss the idea of having a bf and having someone to do stuff with, esp around the holidays. With him, he gave me a sense of family around the holidays because I usually spent the holidays with his family and they always made me feel very welcome. I miss that because I am going to be alone for the holidays (not exactly, I am going to spend Christmas with the mutual friend) and not have a SO in my life.

 

The holidays are admittedly hard. I also still have feelings for my recent ex (5 weeks since break-up now), and I care and think about him. I have good days and bad days, and the Holidays are hard, buty I will be with friends and my family and I think I can manage. I know he's feeling badly as well because I got an email from him this morning (the first in about 2 weeks), and I can kind of tell it was probably because Christmas is here, and his mind is working and thinking about us and so forth.

 

I know I sound like a broken record. I am pathetic.

 

Nah, you're just normal. It's totally normal to feel these conflicted feelings after a break-up and that's fine. Give yourself permission to feel conflicted for a time.

 

I am so tempted to send him a birthday card and a small gift (his birthday is Jan. 2), but I wont.

 

Probably not a good idea. I did send a gift to my recent ex for his b'day, which was a week after I broke up with him, but that was because I already had it and it would have been dumb to not send it. But nothing for Christmas and going forward. It's just easier not to be thinking about that.

 

Moving on is hard

 

Yes it is. But you're doing it. Soon enough you'll be in SD with a new life!

[Hope75]

Moving on IS hard. You wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt.

 

As for your ex's mom, she has her own agenda and it is separate from her son's. It's obvious she likes you, (why not? You had a job and acted responsible, who knows, if her son had wanted to stay with you, you might have taken him off her hands.) but her son has made it clear he does not want to get back together and it with someone else.

 

It's hard not to read into the phone call when you want so badly to get back with him, but you have to pay attention to his actions.

 

I know you don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with you, or appreciate you for who you are.

 

You deserve that.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, moving on is hard, very hard. I have a hard time dealing with moving on, esp during the holiday season when I recollect about the good times I had during past holidays with the ex and his family. I miss that so much.

 

Yes, I read into the phone call because that is what I wanted. I know she thinks I am the best for him because she thinks I can help him grow up. I would love to be able to do that, but I dont think that is possible with him being the way he is. There is something else I havent posted on here that concerns what she is asking. If I had posted this earlier, I think this would have shed light on the whole situation. It has to do with my best friend and his bf. I have an "arranged" marriage with my best friend. My best friend convinced me to marry him a few years ago during the time when I was very down on myself and thought I could never get a guy. My best friend is very afraid of his gayness and wanted to hide it from his family, friends and coworker. He wanted to succeed at work, etc. so he made a deal with me to get married to me so I could lend credibility to his life. In return, he would take care of me emotionally and be there for me and I would not have to be lonely. We dont live together or anything like that and we dont share accounts. There is a prenup agreement because my best friend is paranoid like that, but he has written in that he will care for me financially should I become ill or incapacitated (I have a lot of health problems). A few years after this I met my current ex. I had never thought that I could find someone to fall in love with. I told my current ex about my "arranged" marriage and he was understanding and ok with it, just as long as I would end it soon so that he could have me "fully". My current ex wanted a future with me and I, at that time, wanted a future with him. My best friend wasnt happy that I wanted to dissolve our marriage because he didnt want me to leave him either, since I provide emotional support to him that his bf doesnt give him a lot of. I started divorce proceedings about 6 months ago, but I never finished them because I started to lose feelings for my current ex and because my best friend begged me not to.

 

His mom knows about the marriage and she tells me that if I want my current ex back , I HAVE TO FINISH THE DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS. She and my current ex understand why I am married. THey are not against it. She still wants me to be a part of their lives. She tells me that my "arranged marriage" was what killed my relationship with my current ex. She tells me the current ex still has feelings for me, but he cant handle my situation with my best friend. She tells me if I finish the divorce proceedings and am actually free, the current ex will come back to me because, as she sees it, he still has feelings for me.

 

That is the gist. I am sorry I didnt tell it in the beginning. I didnt want people thinking bad of me. I still love my best friend and want the best for him. I am just torn right now.

[Hope75]

You're married??

 

What the heck??

 

I have to say, Ren, this news threw me for a bit of a loop!

 

I don't, however, think it has any chance of winning your ex back, even if you do divorce your best friend. I can see why your friend wanted this arrangement, but what does it do for you? Do you have any interest in getting married (to a real husband you want a relationship with yourself?)Had you considered the implications of this arranged marriage when you agreed to it? It's not really a believable facade to hide your friend's "gayness", you don't live together, and aren't a couple and he has a boyfriend. Really, what is the point?

 

At this point what's done is done. Your ex has moved on and doesn't want you back.

 

As far as the maarriage goes, that is something you need to decide for yourself. I don't see why you need a legally binding marriage agreement with your ex to be there for him and to be supportive of him. He's obviously not that afraid to be outwardly gay or he would not have moved away with his boyfriend.

 

This little contract doesn't really suit you very well if you have any interest in a future relationship with someone new that could potentially get serious. I suspect alot of guys would have trouble finding out that you are already married and for what reasons.

 

Think about that in terms of what is best for YOU in the future, but not in the context that if you divorce your friend it will bring your ex back. That is a dead horse at this point.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, my best friend is afraid to be outwardly gay. His bf doesnt live out in CA with him right now. He still lives out here in Wisconsin in my best friend's house. My best friend has been trying to convince him to move out there to live with him, but not live with him, meaning he will put him up in his own apartment. My best friend will not admit to anyone that he is gay. In his family, only his mom knows and she knows about our arrangement. I made the arrangement with the best friend because, three years ago, I didnt think I would ever find a guy. I had gone through a lot of dating situations where guys would just disappear after three dates or so. I was very hurt by all that and my best friend was always there for me to cushion me against the hurt. After a while, he made a proposal to me. If I get married to him and help him hide his gayness behind the facade of a marriage, he would take care of me emotionally and be there for me as I got older so I would not be alone. That is the one thing I fear the most, being alone as I get older and dying alone. My best friend fears that if his family ever found out he was gay, they would disown him.

 

I told my ex a few months after we started dating when I realized that my ex was very serious about our relationship. I had never had anybody be that serious with our relationship except for the current ex. My ex was surprised but he told me that he understood but that if we went out to work out, he wanted me to divorce my best friend. I said I was open to that. In the beginning, I was willing to divorce my best friend, but I was also torn because I do love my best friend very much (not in a sexual way though). I told my ex to keep it a secret but, later on, I found out that he had blabbed it to a lot of people. I was upset about that.

 

His mom knew about it too, from what the ex told me. She brought that up to me in the phone call last week. She thinks the reason why the ex really dumped me was because I was married and did not want to leave that situation. She tells me that if I leave that situation and divorce my best friend, my ex will come back to me.

 

I am sorry about everything, but I didnt think people here would understand. And yes, my ex and I are very incompatible. He is truly like a teenager stuck in the body of an 32 year old.

 

Hope75, when I got into the arrangement with my best friend, I truly did not think I would EVER find anybody else in my life. I had had a lot of crappy dating situations and I was very down on myself. My self-esteem was very low at that time and my best friend felt bad for me. I partially did it so that I would not end up alone. Although my best friend and I do not live together, he does care for me emotionally and I share his medical benefits (although I can get my own at my work) and, as I get older, if I want to, I could live with him.

 

I am not sure what is best for me in the future, but after going thorough my relationship with my current ex, I do realize that I can find someone. I do want to divorce my best friend but that is a safe relationship because I know he will not go back on his word. But, I also do want to find a love relationship that will end in marriage. I dont know.

[annie24]

WOW -- Ditto to what hope said.

 

I too would be not quite ok with a man I was dating with such an arrangement (married to a lesbian.)

 

It doesn't sound incredibly believable, as hope said, if you don't live with your gay friend, and you've been constantly spotted at ren faires with your ex. I bet everyone has put two and two together by now.

 

I think your friend would still be there for you even after the divorce. You're friends, after all! And besides, I bet you can find that real, true love. You deserve a triple, chocolate decadent cake with real whipped cream and butter frosting. And this marriage is like a packet of twinkies.

 

I don't see what you are getting from this marriage, apart from a small sense of security, but more importantly, it's preventing you from acheiving a real marriage. Now obviously, you've said that your ex is a teenager in a grown up's body and he wasn't the right one. But, I think you should get divorced before you do find the right man.

 

Think of it in this way - this marriage is keeping part of you attached to your gay friend... You can't fully committ to a new relationship unless all your strings to your ex and gay friend been cut.

[novaseeker]

Think of it in this way - this marriage is keeping part of you attached to your gay friend... You can't fully committ to a new relationship unless all your strings to your ex and gay friend been cut.

 

Which is the point, as I see it.

 

Ren ... what do you really feel for your best friend? I think that's a critical issue here.

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie24, the Ren Faire is not in the same town as where my "husband" and I lived. We both lived in the same town, except he lived in his house and I lived in my apartment. My ex lives in Chicago, a city two hours from me, so I spend a lot of time there vs him coming up to my part of town, and when he does come to see me, we hang out and do stuff in places I know that my "husband's" family does not frequent. My ex was a bar guy.

 

And, yes, if I did divorce my "husband", he would still be there for me. Part of me doesnt think my "husband" wants to let me go. I give him the emotional support that his bf doesnt always want to give him. I am always there for him and help him out as much as I can. We got into this arrangement because he wanted to hide his gayness and I wanted someone who would be there for the long haul, because at that point in time, I felt like a loser and that I would never find anybody. I had gone on so many dates where people look at me and write me off, never call me back, etc. It was a very low point in my life.

 

Nowadays, I am not sure what I am getting from the marriage. I do like being attached to my best friend but I dont get anything financial from it, not really. I dont always see my best friend since his bf can get jealous of us, but I do still love my best friend a lot. I dont think I ever stopped loving my best friend, but it isnt in a romantic or sexual way. I love him and I care for him deeply, not saying i want to sleep with him or kiss him. It is a deepset love and I would sacrifice anything for him just as he would sacrifice anything for his bf. I am very attached to my best friend and the ex had to deal with that a lot. I didnt always get along on the same level with the ex and my best friend always had this tendency to call me whenever he needed my help or wanted my advice. My best friend and I share a lot in common and we think on the same level and my best friend motivates me more than my current ex ever did.

 

I know in order for me to find a true love relationship, I have to let go of my best friend and divorce him. Before my ex left, he told me that if I wanted to ever have a relationship with a guy, I had to let my best friend go, otherwise no guy was going to tolerate what he tolerated the two years of our relationship. I never cheated on my ex though.

 

I have no idea when my ex's mother found out about the marriage. She may have known recently, or last year when I told her son. I dont know. She obviously thinks that if I do get rid of the husband, her son will come back to me. There is a possibility that that may happen, because about two months ago, when I ran into the ex at a Ren Faire (three weeks after our breakup), I told the ex that I was starting divorce proceedings with my "husband" and he looked at me funny and asked me why I had not told him earlier that I was planning to do that, because it could have changed some things.

 

I am very scared of letting my best friend go. He is the only stable thing in my life that i KNOW will not ever leave me. But, I want to find a normal relationship out there too. I am just SOOO afraid of being hurt and having my heart broken, and, most of all, being left ALONE!!!!

 

Am I crazy?????

[annie24]

Well honey - you're not letting your "husband" go. That love and support that two friends offer each other will still be there. You wouldn't marry your female best friend, would you?

 

I'm not even sure how much your best friend is getting from this fake marriage. Do you go with him to boring office parties? Do people see you two together at the grocery store, or in a restaurant on saturday nights?

 

I don't think you're crazy. Just scared. But I gaurantee, that you're not going to find hapiness while stuck in the this sham of a marriage. It sounds that right now, he already has a husband - his boyfriend. And you are kind of just pushed off to the side. He's not being a husband to you. You should file the documents and be free.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I go with him to boring office parties and stuff at his parents house on occasions. I have gone with him to family weddings. I guess a lot of this was more in evidence before I found a bf of my own. In the first year of our arrangement, I spent a lot of time with my best friend and his bf. We would do things as a couple or as a threesome going out (nothing sexual). That was just how it was and I was ok with it. Then I found a bf and my "husband" didnt care. I spent a lot of time with my bf the first year and neglected my husband, but I did hang with the husband on occasion. It was just that after the first year, my bf took a break from me because he thought I was too clingy to him, that I got scared and reestablished close contact with my "husband". My husband never really interfered with my relationship with my bf but I clung to him because he and I think on the same levels and we share a lot in common. After his first "break" from me, I never really trusted the bf again. I was hurt by him and I was scared that he could do that. Then I began to use my best friend as a buffer against my current bf because i was just so afraid of being hurt, and, down the road I lost my feelings for the current ex. And so the story goes.

 

Do you think if I do divorce the best friend, the current ex could come back. He did have feelings for me once before and one of his biggest reasons that he gave me for dumping me, was because he could not stand my attachment to my best friend. My ex's mother thinks that if I divorce the best friend, I stand a BIG chance of getting the ex back. NOw that you guys know the truth behind the matter, do you think it IS possible???

[annie24]

I still don't think the divorce would bring back your ex. Like you said before, you and your ex had some deep incompatibility issues. I just think in the future, it will help you find a more meaningful loving relationship.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, my current ex and I are very incompatible. Right now I am very tempted to call the current ex's mother to wish her a Happy Christmas and to ask her if it would be a good idea for me to send her son a birthday card and a small gift (his birthday is Jan 2nd) but I know that is not a good idea.

[annie24]

No - not a good idea. Remember, the ex has a new gf. That and buying presents for a man has never worked in the history of manking into getting him back. At most, send a brief e-mail wishing him a happy birthday. no more than 2 lines!

 

Keep the mother out of this.

[novaseeker]

I also do not think that divorcing would win back the ex. You would divorce because it's going to be very hard to find another love relationship while you're married, even though it is a "show" marriage.

 

Are you frightened that if you divorce, your best friend will no longer be there for you emotionally?

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie24, I know it is not a good idea, but I am so tempted because now I know that the mother is on my side in terms of wanting him to get back together with me. As for the gift, I was just going to burn him a copy of some songs that I had on ITunes.

 

Novaseeker, I am frightened that if I divorce my best friend, I will never find a normal love relationship that will NOT leave me. I know my best friend will still give me the emotional support that I need even if I divorced him. He has also told me that whatever happens, he will be there for me in the end and that he wont abandon me.

 

What I fear the most is abandonment and rejection and I fear being alone at the end. I have always wanted a love relationship and my current ex was the first person I ever had a normal love relationship in terms of dating, affection, etc. I do like that a lot and I loved being the center of a person's life. It did a world of good to me, but my ex left me. When I first started dating the current ex, I was on Cloud 9. I never knew that a love relationship could be so happy, so fulfilling as that and I was so happy. I was still married but I let go of my "husband" for a while and he understood. He was happy for me that I found someone to love. About a year later, my current ex could not stand my clinginess to him and our incompatability so he took a break from me. That shattered my heart and scared the hell out of me. Even though he came back to me, I never really trusted him again and I clung back to my husband because I was so afraid.

 

Bottom line is, I want to find a love relationship like the one I had with my current ex, but I dont want to have my heart broken like that again and have to deal with all that. It is so hard. I dont know how you guys can all do it, date, fall in love, have a relationship, and have someone leave you. How do you guys deal with it and still keep your self-esteem intact???? I am not sure if I want to go through something like that again. i am still suffering the aftereffects of my current relationship.