Again

[Wonderland]

You guys knew it. I didnt want to believe you. But can you blame me? You want to have faith in the person that you love above all others... I can tell you now that my self esteem is shot, as if it wasn't before, but its worse now. I feel like such an idiot for ever believing anything that has come out of his mouth.

 

I cant take it anymore you guys. I just cant. I wish I had never had moved in with him. Now, I would rather have lived in a shelter than endure everything he has put me through. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than EVER put up with this again.

 

Last night... last night we were playing around and he said something about me having moose teeth and small boobs. Joking or not, it still hurt. I have never made fun at the way he looks, or made jabs at something he can not change about his appearance. So I went to bed and told him not to touch me. He kept on trying to have sex with me, and I told him I was serious, and he wasnt getting his way. He kept trying, and I kept refusing. So he rolled over and told me that girls like me were the reasons that whorehouses exist and if I wouldnt have sex with him, he was more than positive he could find girls that would, and he wouldnt have to work for it. I just went to sleep.

 

Now, the water heater at our apartment is horrible. There is never enough hot water for one person to take a shower, let alone two. Well, I went first and made damn sure not to touch the hot water handle on the faucet. It was more important for me to keep peace in the house and take a cold shower than risk him throwing a fit because he had no hot water. Well, my plan didnt work, and he ended up having no hot water, which ulimatley was "my fault". I had my radio on while I was putting my makeup on and he yelled at me to turn it off. He then preceeded to yell at me and tell me how selfish I am, how much of a female dog I am, and how mean I have become. (He says I am mean because instead of crying when he talks to me like that like I used to, I dish it right back at him). When I would open my mouth to defend myself, all I got was a "SHUT THE ---- UP!" So I did. I just turned away from him and continued to get ready for work.

 

I have talked to a couple different friends of mine today to see if maybe they wouldnt mind getting an apartment with me. No one is looking for a roomate. They all apologize and tell me that I need to get out of this relationship, but I dont have anywhere to go. I have talked to my mother about coming home, and I know that she loves and cares about me, but she keeps insisting that I find a roomate and get an apartment. They have alot on their plate at the moment, so I cant blame her for not wanting me to come home.

 

I need to do this, I know I do. I want to. But how do I go about doing it?? My birthday is on Friday, and I dont want to spend my birthday crying and moving my stuff out of the apartment.

 

Any suggestions?

[RayKay]

Pick up a copy of the Classifieds and look in the "Room for Rent"/"Roommate Wanted" section. Do it now. Maybe it is not ideal, but it is much better then where you are at now and getting out of there is the BEST thing you can do for yourself now. I am sure someone will let you crash with them for a few days if the dates don't work out exactly right.

 

I am sorry that everyone was right, I had to go back and read your posts to refresh my memory, but I, as did many others, could see then that was he was doing was part of the role of the CLASSIC abuser, and you were so far into it you could not even see how ABNORMAL it was. To hurt you, punish you, then bring you back with empty promises - only to do the same thing all over again. He would say sorry, but would never follow through on getting help, or admitting he had a serious problem, and unfortunately you had to learn the hard way, that he has not changed in the least bit. Not only is he abusive, manipulative and selfish, he is also most likely a cheater.

 

Sweetie, I cannot even express to you how much better you deserve then this scum. Do NOT fall for his sobbing again, it is only part of the cycle, of the methodology of an abuser. He is truly scum.

 

Get out of there, take care of yourself, love yourself enough to NEVER go back to this guy. Ever.

[WildChild]

I remember reading your thread a while back and was going to post, but every post that was made in and attempt to help you, you had an excuse. Your reasoning this time is because you don't want to be crying and moving on your bd. It is difficult to help someone who to this point says they want help, but in all does not do anything to help themselves. You are in an abusive relationship, your bf is an abuser and he will not change. There are battered women shelters you can go to who will assist you and give you a temporary place to stay until you can find a home. You also have county agencies that may be able to assist you in finding housing at a reduced rate. You need to look into the resources that are available to you. Only you can do this. I am sorry you are going through this and it is scary I know, but you have got to stop making excuses for yourself and get on the ball before he does something to you that neither one of you will be able to take back: a statistic of death caused by domestic abuse

[Dako]

Leave him now.

 

Better to spend your birthday getting away from him than spending it in the ER. That's where it's heading, you know.

Guys like this aren't worth the risk.

 

Some women are attracted to tough guys because they feel protected and safe until he turns on them. Don't become one of these blackeyed girls who tell the cops they tripped and fell. Please don't let it go that far.

[Wonderland]

I dont know why its so hard to leave. I dont. I feel so weak.... maybe its cause i'm scared of him.. i dont know. but i do want out.

[RayKay]

Exactly Dako & Wildchild - there is never a good time...if it was not your birthday, it would be the weekend, or Christmas holiday, or his birthday, whom knows. There is "never" a really great time to leave someone, but there is a NECESSARY time at this point for you. You have already lost so much self esteem, don't lose your life too. Your self esteem can be rebuilt, your actual life cannot be regained.

 

I bet you anything his fiancee left not because of her missing her family, but because she FINALLY had the courage to leave his abusive butt behind. If SHE can do it, so can you.

[WildChild]

It is because you are scared of him and that is the cycle of abuse. You need some support system to help you get out. However, to say you don't have help is nonsense if you haven't looked into any resources that may be available to you. It is very difficult to leave abusive relationships, but unless you want to be taken out of the home in a body bag, only you can walk yourself out the door to a safe environment. Ten to one his excuse why is ex left him is a lie...she probably went home to her family to be protected.

[Wonderland]

I'm sorry you guys. I'm at the point where I'm just mad now. just flaming mad. why did i ever listen to anything he said? why??? why did i stay after i heard him bragging about having me by the head? why?!?!? why do i feel like i have no strength to carry my things out of the apartment? i feel so sick

[DJ_QUALLS]

True True. I was in a bad relationship, i moved out and stayed with a relative in the bassment. I didnt care it was a bassment, just as long as it was away from the drama i was going through. I'd rather live in a bassment and have my sanity then be with someone i am constantly in drama and aggrivation and stress with.

There are places to go, friends, relatives .Everyone has someplace to go. Even if you move out of state to a friend or relative. Leaving is the right thing to do. Yes you are weak but you have to find everything in you to move out and move on. This isnt love . Obviously he doesnt love you .Trust me i been there , its hard at first because of all the emotions you are going through, but once you find a safe place to go, things will work out and you will wonder why didnt you do this sooner. Your strenght, sanity, peace of mind, freedom you will gain those things back.

You birthday is coming up as you say, but emotionall and physical abuse dosent stop for birthdays or holidays.Taking care of this is more important.

[Wonderland]

Does he do this on purpose? I feel drained of all emotion and physical strength. Is this what he's going for? SO that its easier to forgive him than to lug all my belongings downstairs and to the car??

[WildChild]

I am tending to believe he was probably abused as a child. You are not weak, you are strong. You have the strength to do this. Do not allow him to have all empowerment over you. You can do this. Do it now while you are angry, mad and resentful!

[Wonderland]

Those feelings may wear off by the time 5:30 rolls around...

[WildChild]

See, this is what I am talking about...another excuse

 

What is it about him that is making you want to stay? You really need to look within yourself and figure this out. Sometimes being truthful with ourselves is the scariest part of truth. But until you can be honest with yourself, you will continue this cycle yourself.

[Wonderland]

And thats what i'm scared of. I feel like i'm too weak to go through with this. Part of me is saying "you're screwing up. you need to stay, you're making a mistake" and i can not justify why.

[darkblue]

Did you read that link I sent you..?

[Wonderland]

I did at the time that you sent it, but for the life of me I can not find it nor can I remember what it said. Do you still have the link?

[Dako]

1. Nobody should stay with a creep like that.

2. Almost any decent person with a spare room who even barely knows you would take you in.

3. Yes, you're weak, so get help from one of the above people.

4. Stop blaming yourself or feeling he's all you have. He represents what you don't have. A friend in the house, a lover, a soulmate.

 

 

Look up an abuse hotline. You don't have to do anything but reach out. They understand and want to help you. The folks on this forum care about you and you should too.

The longer you make excuses, the more power he has over you.

[Gracelove]

I know your friends aren't looking for a roomate, but would they mind if you stayed with them for a couple of nights, alternate between homes?

Does your mom know what's going on?

Maybe you don't have to move out. Maybe you can just leave your stuff in your apartment and stay at your mom's house for a little while. Do you mind sleeping on a couch or the floor?

You don't have to "put them out". I'm sure your parents wouldn't mind you staying with them if they knew about the situation you were in.

[Miss M]

Wonderland, in an emotioally abusive relationship, we tend to lose perspective. Sometimes we don't know which way is up. And even when we can glimpse it... even when we know we need to leave... we still seem to lack something vital to make a move to help ourselves. You seem lost in a thick fog of self-doubt. That's what abuse does to you. It causes you to doubt yourself so much that you can't help yourself out of the bad situation. You're your only hope to break free of this harmful situatiion, but you get to a point where you can't find or trust your own reasoning. And when you contemplate leaving, it actually causes you to turn back to the abuser because you no longer can find your own ability to accurately perceive or self-validate. It's really like you've been horribly brainwashed. Yes, that's the effects of the abuse. Abuse creates this massive and overwhelming feeling of self-doubt. And that self-doubt is really magnified 10-fold whenever you think of leaving. That magnification is also the effects of the abuse. Abuse instills a deep feeling in you that doing anything reasonable like self-care will actually lead to self-harm. Staying can seem more reasonable than leaving, even though some part of you knows leaving is imperative. That's all the effects of emotional abuse.

 

The abusive conditioning and brainwashing is clouding your perspective in a really bad way. And you can't expect to get yourself free of this without some help from someone who is knowledgeable and trained to understand the deep psychological effects of abuse. Is there an abuse hotline you can call? Is there any type of counselor in church or job that you can reach out to? Can you talk to your doctor, tell him/her what's going on and ask her/him to point you to someone who can help? You have to try as hard as you can to reach out to someone trustworthy... someone who can point you to a place where you can begin to regain perspective.