NC worked for me. He is willing to move 2000km..and I don't think I want him to

[Maggy]

Hi. I posted my story 5 months ago

The short version is: I got dumped by my boyfriend with whom I was supposed to go and live with, a week later he had someone new and he didn´t want to talk to me.

So I kept NC, moved on with my life (though I did loose 7kg in the process and had to take some pills for anxiety as I nearly didn't sleep for 2 months) , found a new job, and went to live 2000km away, in a new country. I kept nc even when my ex texted me whishing me luck in my new job and life...

And then, just as I was settling in, he found my new email adress and started emailing me. So I answered..I thought "what the hell, I'm far away..and I still deserve an explanation and some kind of apology..as I had never had one".

And, I have to admit it...though I don't know why I should feel like this... I wanted to get some sense of vindication... from my ex as well as from the girl he dumped me for as we worked in the same company...(she new about us)

So he kept emailing me and telling me that if he could he would come after me.. I dind't give him any hope...I just told him all I wanted was some kind of apology..and I thought he would never be able to find a job in the same country I am in (because of his language skills)..well... last week he told me he had resigned and was moving here in january because he had found a new job in a city 300km away.

So Why am I sharing this? Because I want to give hope to everyone who is suffering right now... I suffered like I had never suffered before...I cried and cried and cried, I had nightmares and kept thinking it would never ever get better. Well..it did! I still miss the relashionship I had (I really liked it, I loved the way me and my ex got along), and sometimes I am sad because I whish it had worked. But I am sure I could never go back to my ex. It hurt to much... I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me. Maybe if he had broken up with me in a nicer way (I know it's difficult..but people can break up and show some respect...not just wonder off with someone new...). And NC worked because I healed..I learned to live on my own again..to do things by myself... to cure myself from my ex's presense.

I would also like to get some advice..what should i do regarding my ex? I didn't give him any hope, but i didn't insult him either (5 months have passed, I'm in another country... I wasn't going to start arguing with him again via email..)...and now I know he is very aprehensive regarding his move.. and I know he is moving mainly because of me (though the new job is an improvement for him as well). i think I didn't say anything up until now because I wanted that litle revenge...but now I'm scared. He did everything as a surprise (only told me he was moving when everything was settled..even came to an interview here without telling me). Should i tell him I dodn't want him to come? that I'm never going to come back to him? Or just let him do whatever he wants and show him the some kind of respect he showed me 5 months ago?

[annie24]

Wow! That is quite a story!!!

 

I would seriously think long and hard about what YOU want. And then don't accept less. If you want him to apologize, then say so. If you're only willing to start talking to him again, only if he treat you kindly, with respect, and he goes slowly, and calls you everyday or whatever, then demand that treatment.

 

He let you go the first time. But this time, the relationship, if there is one, will start ONLY BY YOUR TERMS. Do whatever feels right for you. Remember, he has to win you back! Your job is to sit back and decide whether or not you want to deal with him again.

 

good luck!

[keefy1972]

Is his main motive for making such a drastic move to get back with you or to improve himself, career-wise? If it is only because he's wanting to get back with you, I would suggest you do the right thing and tell him you will not get back together. To allow himself to make such a drastic change in his life, knowing it's only to be near you and you're not interested, is not only wrong it's also very cruel.

 

Do the right thing here!

[ZoeMatthews]

Is his main motive for making such a drastic move to get back with you or to improve himself, career-wise? If it is only because he's wanting to get back with you, I would suggest you do the right thing and tell him you will not get back together. To allow himself to make such a drastic change in his life, knowing it's only to be near you and you're not interested, is not only wrong it's also very cruel.

 

Do the right thing here!

 

Keefy, she did say that she had not given him any hope re: the relationship. Whatever he is doing, he is doing it to himself...he went to a job interview there without telling her!

 

So its all on him...she has moved on...

 

Maggy, just tell your ex that you have moved on and do not want to start a relationship with anybody at this point in your life...It took you 5 months to heal...now what? you want to go back in time and go through it again?

 

I know that ultimately, its your decision as to what you want to do, but do not seek an apology from him...If he didn't give you one then, he won't give you one now...

 

(((hugs)))

 

ZM

[keefy1972]

Well Zoe, everyone's individual perceptions are very different. Just because she said she gave him no hope doesn't mean he doesn't have hope. My only point is that there would be no harm in coming right out and telling him, before he makes such a move, that she has no interest in getting back together with him.

[Maggy]

Well... I guess Keefy is right. I know I din't ask him to come... but the right thing would be to tell him. And then he could decide...(he doesn't like the job he has right now) I have always tried to respect other people..so even if he didn´t show any respect for me..I guess I should stay true to my principles..and not his! I think it's just that it is flattering to have someone switch countries because of you. I would probably even meet him here...but I know I could never be in a relashionship with someone who hurt me so much...

[chai714]

I would guess that part of you wants him in some way, no matter how small.

 

From the experiences I've seen, all people have the right to change their mind regarding the way they feel about someone or the way they feel about a certain situation. I think that you keep reassuring yourself by saying that you "couldn't be in a relationship with someone who hurt me so much" but you can't help but wonder if it might happen.

 

My advice to you is to live your life as you have been and if you want to hang out with him then go for it. If not, don't.

[Maggy]

Thanks chai714. I am really confused.. If I tell him not to come I may be closing a door that I won't be able to open later if I regret what I did... But If I don´t tell him not to come and stick by my decision not to get back with him I don't think it would be fair. Sometimes I whish he had left me alone. It would be easier... I know I don't owe him anything as I din't ask him to come, or even told him I would ever get back with him. But what keefy said is also right.. I don't think I gave him any hope..but I know only too well how people misinterpret signs from the person they love... And what IF I do change my mind? (though I really, really, hope I don't. My ex showed no respect for me and our break up came out of no where - at least for me. I would be in constant fear it could happen again. And that's no way to live a relashionship...)....My only conclusion is NC is good for when it works only one way (either te ex repents, either we get over them. when it works both ways it's really really difficult...).

[chaos]

Sounds to me like you don't want him to come and if you feel like you should tell him, then tell him. Even if he does move he's still going to be 300km away! It's not like you're going to be running into him... unless he's crazy enough to be driving 3 hours out of his way just to see you all the time.

[Nicesmile]

Maggy, I am anxious for you because you have done the NC thing and healed and he might take you back to square one, without your consent. We all believe that we can get over someone but when he is there right infront of you.. its playing with fire... unless you want him back? The last time he took control from your hands. He didn't discuss, share, he did everything for HIMSELF. he didn't think he owed you anything when he moved on to another girl within one week in the same comapany !!!! Be a little selfish and let him find his own way..... We can't tell you what to do, but I don't think you owe him as much.., I know you want to be kind but what you will be offering is still unsolicited advice, like what am giving you ... lol! probably something he doesn't want to hear ... be cautious please, don't undo what you have achieved in the last five months