Dark, self-indulgent rant.

[Dako]

I'm dealing with starting over alone, and went to a holiday party last weekend where everyone was stunningly happy, surrounded by family and material wealth. Made me feel like dudu on a shoe. I got stuck listening to a fellow describe how he designs phone menu trees for customer service, and was pressed into inspecting a new RV with a 200 gallon (!) sewage holding tank. On the way home, I playfully considered planting my car into a bridge support at speed.

 

So happy to get home to a brandy and a good book. The next day I went out to meet friends at the park and smoke cigars. Somehow a daily cigar keeps me from getting drunk ar acting even more vile. I promise to quit when the tumors appear so I won't scare small children.

 

Even though my health and finances are excellent, and the coming divorce is amicable, I don't have much to look forward to. Wandering aimlessly (I call it exercise walking) and shopping for things I don't need fill my time. Decided to put off buying a Ducati motorcycle until after I have a home, but I've been buying shoes like Imelda Marcos.

 

Weekend backpacking trips are my big pleasure since I don't need company to go climb rocks and fall into cacti. At the end of the weekend, I'm pretty sore and ready for another boring workweek.

 

Dating scares me witless. If I met a nice lady tomorrow, I'd probably run screaming from shear cowardice. At my age, I don't encounter many women my age, so there's no risk of that, especially since I exude an air of self-loathing that's hard to beat. Actually after so many years enthralled with my wife, I'm not attracted to other women. Well, maybe Isabella Rosellini, but she hasn't called.

 

All I fall back on is laconic humor, cigars and enjoying nature. I've yet to get roaring drunk because it gives me heartburn. Pathetic. In my 30s, I'd be downing a fifth each night, but I fall asleep at 10 these days.

 

I keep hoping that life can become more than just walking around like a zombie and seeing my future as a cold, dark tunnel into oblivion, but then that's just happy talk.

 

Thanks for tolerating me.

Dako

[ratherbesailing]

Hey Dako -

 

I was with my ex-wife for 20 years (including the dating part). When we got divorced I had no idea how to date and it was scary as heck. I kept going to the parties solo and felt just like you.

 

My first date was a blind date set up by a friend. There I am waiting in the lobby of the restaurant for someone who I had no idea what she even looked like. I was scared to death. Turns out she was scared to.

 

As long as you are interested in Isabella Rosellini you aren't dead yet. In fact, even in your self loathing state, you are a valuable commodity and you don't even know it.

 

I never tell anyone but I'll share it with you. I answered a few personal ads in the paper (before on-line dating got big) just to find out what a date was all about now a days. I'm glad I did. It was scary but fun, kind of like riding a roller coaster. I met a few nice women, only one that I was really interested in and she was the only one that I even kissed, but they were all very interesting experiences and made me feel good about myself while I got my feet a little wet.

 

Go get your feet wet! You don't have to fall in love or be involved with them sexually, just meet some women and talk to them. Baby steps.

[Dako]

Thanks ratherbe,

That's what I need to hear. On the one hand I'd give anything to discuss French films over coffee with a lady, and on the other hand I'd rather hide under a rock.

 

Sex? Inconceivable!!!

 

It amazes me how men get stereotyped as always checking out women. I was so happy with my wife I didn't even notice other ones. Even after she wrecked my life she still lights up the room, so she'll be a tough act to follow.

 

This is a pretty young crowd here.

[ratherbesailing]

Dako -

 

Go to the personals on link removed and check out the singles within 25 miles of your town. I think you'll be surprised. Read the personals in the paper. Baby steps.

 

I wish they wouldn't wreck our lives. There aught to be some easy way for them to leave their marriages without screwing up our lives so much in the process.

[ONE SXXY LADY]

Hey Dako...

 

I like older men who smoke cigars.. it's so "Tony Soprano" like..and I think he is sooo hot

 

It's sweet that you were so in love with your ex..but not to worry, there are SO many beautiful good women out there, you just have to look in right places. Many times we find love when we least expect OR don't want it. It will happen for you again, you just have to be open when it happens.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Dako]

Thanks, folks.

Well, I looked at Yahoo personals. Lotsa nice ladies.

Still terrified, but I did look.

Baby steps....

 

No Tony Soprano here...more like a ridiculously tall David Letterman.

[darkblue]

Dako, I love your sense of humour. (which, by the by, I hear is an attractive quality

Check out your local librarian for more details.

 

You could always try your hand at online dating (I'm holding in a sadistic chuckle)

I hear that most 'older' (sorry), men tend to go for younger women.

'Luck' comes to those who push it.

[Dako]

Go ahead, say it.

Older than Moses, older than dirt, old as the hills on granny's chest!

 

A divorced friend (yes, another septegenarian) dated a twentysomething for a while. He had nothing good to report.

I think I'll stay with other fossils from my epoch.

[darkblue]

LOL - If that was an invitation to sit on the beach and smoke a cigar, Dako. I'm there.

 

In all severity: When you are feeling low; the silliest things can get to you.

Envy, is a powerful emotion. It chews you up.

 

At least you have your health (for now), and, more importantly, your humour.

 

If you ever get bored of the solitude - feel free to join a retirement home.

I know you like nature - that way, you could vegetate

[Dako]

ROTFLMAO!!!

Now I gotta change my diaper...

[darkblue]

You know, people can do that for you!

And if they touch parts where you don't feel is suitable for a young nurse, or due to the drugs - you can't take enjoyment from it - You could always sue them!

 

Happy days.

 

(Get another dog)

[darkblue]

I think it's time...

 

I'm... so sorry.

[chai714]

Dako,

Patience, patience, patience. No need to rush off and date. We don't always have to "have someone" in our lives to be fulfilled. It's normal to feel vulnerable and down after a divorce. People shouldn't go out and date right away - they need time to recover and comprehend what the hell happened. Life is often times a blur following a divorce or breakup - this is normal. Give it more time. No need to put pressure on yourself and think, "I'm never going to find someone" or "it's so hard to get a date" or other self-negative talk. I think how you heal and how you nourish your psyche after a breakup can affect your future outlook on dating. With that being said, make sure to heal up. I don't care how young or old someone is - it takes time to heal. We all heal at different rates. There's no getting around this process. In the meantime, don't be so harsh on yourself - we all go through this and we all must let time elapse (and also take the initiative to help ourselves heal). Keep your head up, life will indeed be ok in the bigger picture.

[Beec]

Dako,

 

Sooner or later, you will be willing to go on a date. When you agree to it, you will soon after become a nervous wreck, with tremendous butterflies and want to cancel it. Don't, because until you get on a date, you cannot have a good date.

 

I've seen plenty of older people with relationships that don't seem to be headed for anything that I'd want to be in. I know of a couple that ended up spending some time together over Thanksgiving, slept in separate rooms, probably did not go so far as hold hands or kiss, but seem to each fill a place in the other's life. When I was actively dating, there would be times I was seeing a number of women at once (say 3-5), and each would fit into a differnet role. I'd see this one to go to certain types of things, and that one for other things. You can divide it up however you want.

 

My point there is that you can see women and do things with them and not have any intent to let it go anywhere. You'll eventually find a place for someone to do something with, if you want. All you need to do is to be welcome to meeting and talking with people (not always the easiest thing to do), and try to enjoy yourself when you are with them.

 

This is not going to happen overnight, and you will probably screw up the first one. I'd tell you that when you decide to try, you find a woman from yahoo or somewhere like it, as her out, have dinner and expect it to be nothing more than that, just you out trying it out for size. Since you are probably goign to screw it up, I'd tell you to pick a woman that you don't think is for you, pick one that is not intellectual enough or weighs a bit too much, or whatever. You'd just be trying out what a date felt like again. I will also admit that I tell lots of people to go out with someone that they think is not up to their standards when the begin dating a new. I call it practice. If you think about dating as a sport, which it is not but the analogy works, you would not jump into playing a serious game without practice. Just don't let it become a relationship. If you have no interest in her, then stop or define it before the fifth date.

 

You're not there yet, and you might not even be close. But you won't want to be the guy who finds himself unprepared when soemone who might fit some role in his life comes along.

 

As you can tell, I've thought a lot about this stuff. I just talked soemone through cooking his first meal for a woman ever. He was ready to buy frozen dinners, and I got him to make something kind of from scratch. When you think you are ready to do something, ask. If you find yourself in the middle of it and don't knwo what to do, then ask then too.

[Hawk]

Dako This is the third time I have been through this c..p and each time I told myself a) never again and b) I am never going to find anyone who came close to my ex.

 

The first two times I ended up in a new relationship, not straight away but when I was ready, and guess what? Each time I have ended up with a new lady in my life who was different, but in most repsects better than the relationship I was in. Wish I was still with my ex, but then again there a lots of things that I wish in my life that I know aren't going to happen. The lesson? You never know what is waiting around the corner for you.

 

I am now just looking forward to what life brings me with the confidence of knowing that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour - can't wait to see where I go from here!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dako]

Thanks for all the thoughtful help. You folks have obviously been through this chaos yourselves, and I value your experience.

I don't think I'm ready, but it's helpful to see what the future may hold.

Being alone isn't all that bad. I sometimes felt restricted by the normal responsibilties of marriage, and would sometimes wonder what I'd do without having to sync my life with another. I'm often less lonely by myself, and have no trouble going out and doing things alone.

I take solace in the notion that "Little Dako" isn't running the show as he once did. We're more like partners now.

 

I hang out at about eight different libararies and read constantly. Each branch has the usual shelves of books on divorce self-help. I've noticed something: 95% of the books are aimed at women, and half of those are primarily about legal matters, property issues and children's welfare. The other half are about women's emotional issues.

Of the remaining 5% are humorous divorce tomes with one or two books aimed at men's problems with divorce. I also noticed that the majority of these authors are women who pretend to write for both genders, but the bulk of the text is aimed at the poor suffering woman. Just because women smell better is no reason to ignore us guys.

I get tired of the term midlife crisis only applied to pudgy toupeed guys in red Vettes. It ain't all that.

 

You folks are wonderful.

[Beec]

Dako,

 

No books written for men? Why does this not surprise me.

 

Try shopping for cards and look at the difference. I bought my parents birthday cards recently. First, hardly any cards are written for purchase by an adult male. The Mother cards are all to be from a daughter or a child. When you find one a man could give his mother, it is very solemn. There are no joke cards that one can give to a mother on her birthday. The purported "joke" or "humour" cards are cute ways of saying you love your mtoher a lot. Nothing wrong with this sentitment at all. I bought one, I love my mother.

 

Head on over to the birthday cards for a father, and you find all kinds of joke, about how much he snores, how you wecked the car, etc. Try finding a card that is suitable for a son to give his father, something like "Hope you have a great Birthday Dad" and not much more. You will have a tough search, but you can always get one that is a pun on words and tells him that he is a great, not father, but farter.

 

I'd love to see the guy who gives a card to his mother saying she is a great farter.

 

Anyways, publishers don't think you have feelings. You are a man and jsut supposed to know how to fart. Do youthink maybe that's why women smell better?

 

The absolutely awful thing about it is that in my experience, men take break ups (of any kind) much harder than women do. We are the stoic ones who walk around hiding and guarding our feeligns, but then when we do show them, when we find soemone to share them with, we don't ever want that to stop. I was in love once in my early 20s. It took me years to really get over her, and I only did when I knew she was married.

 

I don't know when you are going to get over your current state and be able to find something that you seem to be looking for to fill part of the void. But you'll make it. And if you ever find yourself in NYC, I'll steer you to the good Cubans and maybe we can have a smoke. In the interim, come back and rant when you need to.