I have serious mental problems I really need help

[sweetheart230]

I have serious issues about the way I look. Last night when I posted I was happy. And suddenly I started feeling insecure about my looks and I couldn’t stop crying.

 

When I was an adolescent (starting around age 9) I was overweight and not very attractive. When I was eleven, my dad died. Looking back at my pictures, I wasn’t that ugly. Long story short, senior year suddenly somehow I became pretty. I don’t know how it happened, but a couple months into senior year I was suddenly very beautiful. Yet, I still thought I was too fat. So before college, I lost thirty five pounds.

 

Now I get many compliments on how I look, even by strangers on the street. But I don’t feel that way. My emotionally abusive ex told me that he wasn’t attracted to me at all (although he stuck around for another year and a half after that, calling me crazy and mentally unstable and immature as well). When we were broken up, I met another guy through a friend. We talked on the internet before we met and exchanged pics. I visited my friend and met him while I was there. He picked me up from the train station and asked me if I’d like to go to dinner before going to my friends place and offered to let me stay at his place. We hung out all night, held hands, danced and talked and I wound up fooling around with him (he tried to go down on me but I said no cause I just met him), spending the night cuddling with him and made out with him for an hour the next morning. When he dropped me off his car got towed, and then later that night he told my friend that he wasn’t attracted to me because of my face. I should mention he had a HUGE crush on her at the time. This was a year ago. Now, he tells me that I’m hot. Another time I visited this friend, she said she told me how she told her roommate’s boyfriend that we were making fun of his dancing and that he called me an ugly {Censored by Moderator}.

 

When another guy the same friend wanted to sleep with made out with me, she told me it wasn’t because I was pretty, it was because I looked easy (I never dress revealingly, but it was Halloween)-- and last night she bragged to me that she cheated on her bf and made out with him. I started talking with the guy I met a year ago and he mentioned again (for no reason) that he wasn’t attracted to me. And I went off the deep end. I started crying. I began thinking that all my problems are because I’m not pretty. I keep thinking that even though I see a pretty person maybe no one else does. Maybe I’m imagining all those guys who are interested in me. I started to be more observant and noticing guys checking me out all the time and guys at school paying attention to me, but maybe I’m just going nuts.

 

I don’t feel any prettier than I did when I was young. I don’t feel any thinner than I did when I was thirty five pounds fatter. No matter how many guys tell me or treat me like I’m beautiful, I always remember being told how unattractive I was. I keep thinking that I was treated like crap and used because I was too ugly for them to want me for more. Or that the reason my random drunken hook ups never work out and other people’s do is b/c I am too unattractive. Or that I’m not attractive enough to get a boyfriend I’m attracted to. Even though I am aloof and indifferent to guys and never smile, I keep thinking if I were attractive enough that they would still come after me.

 

When I look at myself in pictures, I see someone very attractive with a beautiful smile. My friends even comment sometimes about how all the guys are staring at me. My guy friends have told me in the past that I’m hot and that I just need to smile more. Both captains of the hockey team hit on me last year even though I was rude. Maybe they were just being nice. But I keep thinking about all these guys who called me unattractive and it makes me really insecure and just want to cry. Why would they say that to me if it weren’t true? If I were pretty, they wouldn’t have been so rotten to me. It’s like I’m not attractive enough to get a guy who is nice to me and I’m attracted to. Maybe if I were prettier my ex would have taken his time and not jammed his penis into me every time we had sex and then asked for a blow job when I started violently shaking.

 

I can’t stop thinking about how it felt when they told me I wasn’t attractive I can’t stop believing that they are right. The night my ex told me I wasn’t attractive at all, he told me how he had sex with his ex gf four times the night he stood me up because he wasn’t attracted to me at all. God, I can’t forget what he said no matter how hard I try. I mean three guys have said I’m not attractive. If they just wanted to piss me off they could have called me annoying or stupid or something. But they all said I was ugly. Maybe all those people who tell me all the time that I’m gorgeous and all the pictures I look good in are wrong. Maybe all the other guys who stare at me or are interested just want to get laid and don’t care if she’s unattractive. Maybe the beautiful person I see isn’t really beautiful at all.

[Beec]

Sweetheart230,

 

I have hear and believe it to be true that "a confident elephant man covered in manure" could get laid more easily that Brad Pitt if he had no confidence. So looks are not really the most important thing for guys. While they are more important for women, they are still not the end all abd be all.

 

If you ex thought you were not attractive, why was he attracted?

 

I think you have other parts of human interaction you need to figure out, but it is not how you look. (Based on what you have prviously described and the reactions you see from men.)

[teacup]

i think that you're not happy with your appearance because of the way you feel inside...you dont have good selfworth so you tell yourself ur worthless, you get drunk and hook up with men who are hurtful and it's a vicious cycle because you end up feeling worse than you did before. what other characteristics do you like about yourself besides physical appearance? do you find yourself worthy in other ways?

 

i grew up really ugly too. i wasn't naturally ugly but because other people made fun of me and who i was, i covered myself up and went into a shell. i made myself look really hideous wearing baggy, saggy, wrong clothing, thick glasses, fizzy permed hair. i ended up looking really really bad!

 

after i went through a heavy bout of abuse, where i also looked like i was close to dying, i started to change how i dressed. i started doing my hair, wearing form fitting clothing and i got guys' attention. they tell me i am cute, have a nice body, they want to sleep with me. but......a lot of the guys wanting sex and not relationships it made me cringe and feel awful about myself inside. if i was so great, why didnt they want relationships? why sex with me? i dont want to sleep with them.

 

the way i feel about myself changed a little bit and im honestly glad i look better. (even though boys bring problems) but i still suffer heavy criticism towards myself inside, i still hate who i am, i still struggle with issues, i still hurt from all those years, i still dont like looking in the mirror or taking pictures. when i see magazine covers i still get obsessive and look for pointers on how to be more attractive.

 

you dont have serious mental problems. you're just hurting inside.

[chai714]

Sweetheart,

My concern is that you're too affected by what people tell you, or what people think about you. This probably stems from having low self-esteem. Working on building your self-esteem back up. If someone told me I was repulsive, too short, or had an ugly face I would laugh. People will always talk to you, behind your back, about you, whatever . . .but the bottom line is that you'll have to learn to deal with it and be confident with who you are. Working on building up your self-esteem will improve your self-confidence and really let the person that you are, shine through and vibrate among others.

[Dako]

How you look is not your problem. You have a self-esteem problem. You have more going for you than your surface appearance, and need to get in touch with it.

Do you have hobbies, sports, or personal accomplishments to feel good about? What you actually do, rather than how you look or attract men determines who you truly are. Men will always be there, but some aren't worth your trouble.

 

BTW I'm a wrinkled old guy with a huge nose. Actually, my nose looks pretty good to me these days, and I don't know how you folks with small noses can stand them.

[tommyJ]

When I look at myself in pictures, I see someone very attractive with a beautiful smile.

 

This in and of itself is what matters most. End of story. You may not see it now, but as you get older and through the turbulent twenties, you will see it. I did.

[ShySoul]

sweetheart230,

 

The problem I see is that you have unfortunately had the experience of dealing with a lot of very mean and insensitive people. You already had problems with self esteem stemming from your experiences when you were young. Now each guy who treats you bad, says you are ugly, takes advantage of you.... they serve as a reminder of all those insecurities that have stayed with you. Even when you are feeling good about yourself, one of these guys comes along and brings you down again. It's happened so much, and the scars are so deep that when you get a compliment, you don't believe it. You think they are lying, or that they are like the other guys who just want something from you. It's a tough spot to be in and difficult to get past.

 

One thing to realize is that the things these people say are not a reflection of you as a bad person, or that you look bad. It is actually their insecurities causing them to do this. Perhaps they have emotionally issues or find themselves unattractive. So they take that out on others. It's not right and it hurts. But it isn't you who is causing this. It's not what you did. You are taking a chance on finding someone, and that's good. You want to believe these guys really care and find you attractive, because deep down you know that you are. And thats good. Unfortunately you've encountered the jerks who hurt you. But don't lose hope. There is a gentleman out there who will love you for you, who will find you attractive physically and in every other way. And when that happens you will have your breath taken away.

 

Focus on your strengths. See that what makes a person attractive is who they are on the inside. You are a good and beautiful person on the inside, and I'm betting that shows on the outside. These people who put you down, they are the real ugly people because their hearts are ugly and cruel. Believe in yourself. I know thats not the easiest thing to do at times, but you have to believe and keep up hope.

[sweetheart230]

It just so hard for me because my best friend is a part of this too, and its taken me a really long time to figure out that she tries to put me down and make me feel horrible about myself. Its like she keeps trying to convince me that I'm wrong, I'm ugly and she's the better, more desirable one (even though she makes these snide comments like "why do you look good without makeup" and the rolls her eyes).

[ShySoul]

Does your friend know just how much this affects you? Cause a real friend wouldn't be doing that. She should be doing whatever she can to make you feel better, to take your mind off the insecurities and onto your strengths. I know its hard to confront this issue, but in the end its for the best.

[sweetheart230]

I think she does it to make herself feel better-- she's shown signs of being jealous of how I look. I don't let her know it affects me, and she when I act like it doesn't bother me she seems to do it even worse.

[ShySoul]

Think about this, someone is jealous of the way you look. If you weren't pretty and attractive, she wouldn't be getting jealous. So use that as a way to remember that you are beautiful.

 

By not giving her a reaction you are frustrating her. She wants to see you feel bad to feel better about herself. But you seem ok with everything, so she may get more determined to get some sort of reaction from you.

 

It's not good to keep feelings bottled up inside. They just build up bringing you down until you explode. She does need to know how it hurts you and that she is wrong for doing that. If she is a real friend, she'll stop. If not, then she isn't the kind of friend you need.