Happy Thanksgiving! Need some advice...

[thegoodgirl04]

Hi everyone and happy thanksgiving but I need some advice.

 

this is kind of a long story but all the details are relevant to the whole story.

 

I am 31 and have been dating a guy for a year and a half, he will be 32 next week. We have both never been married or have kids and I think we are both obviously afraid of commitment. We do love each other but our relationship moves very slowly because of past pains in our lives.

 

My boyfriend was cheated on by someone who he took back and who cheated on him again in college which I think makes him not very trusting of girls and on guard a lot. Kind of like that simon and garfunkle song " i am a rock, I am an island..."

 

My mother committed suicide about 2 years ago for reasons unknown to my family. This has left me with some after effects like fear of abandonment and sometimes I don't like to be alone because at certain times of the year I tend to think about my mom and what happened a lot.

 

My boyfriends family lives about 4 hours away and he usually goes home for holidays and I go with him sometimes, but when I don't go with him, I have a hard time dealing with being alone during the time he is gone during the holidays, I cry and feel very lonely, I know this is silly and need to suck it up but it's hard. This also starts a fight between me and my boyfriend because I get very mean before he leaves which he doesn't understand, and I often say when I am acting like such a brat that he might be better off with someone else who wouldn't through fits when he goes away for a few days.

 

I would like to get married someday, but I don't want to inflict this kind of treatment on any one, because if it were me and someone who I was dating did this kind of thing, I would probably say "knock it off"!

 

I feel awful not only lonely, but after I through a hissy fit I feel even worse because of how I have treated someone I care for. Sometimes it's like I have a split personality, good one minute and angry the next over nothing.

 

Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement? I could really use it right now...

[TiredMan]

Well the issues do belong to you. I can relate as I have those abandonment feelings too, although not as strong, due to having a ridiculously horrific family life growing up. The fact that you do realize it is a very good thing. If you love the guy, I recommend getting counseling to address those issues. His issues of trust should be worked on as well because while he was hurt, he has to eventually recognize that not everyone will cheat. I'm not in his head so I don't know for sure but if I were him, that lack of trust would be intensified if I saw you saying those type of things just because I went home sometimes for the holidays. But seeing you work on and address them with help would be a huge boost towards complete trust. Hope that helps.

[Shadows Light]

The holidays are a tough time for a lot of people. Even those that have family.."they'd rather not see". No matter how you turn it the expectations for the "perfect" NORMAN ROCKWELL holiday is there.. so we're all bound to be a bit disapointed or deflated. More so with people who are on their own for the holidays.

 

Your fears of abandonment especially during the holidays are understandable. I agree with TIREDMAN... you may want to go seek a counselor to help you find ways of dealing with these feelings.

 

I know about what you mean... you blow at your boyfriend for reasons that have NOTHING to do with him. Its just the frustration and the build up of energy that you are unleashing 'somewhere'... unfortunately its on the one you love most.

 

If and when you feel this energy rising.. can you occupy your mind and body with other things. Go and wash the dishes. Go re-arrange your closet. If you are afraid you are going to blow.. go out for a brisk walk... and tell you BF what is going on... "I feel stressed its nothing to do with you and I need a time out"..then he won't wonder if its him. Keep a journal or write yourself a letter venting out your frustrations out on paper..if you have to go so far a burning the paper after ward.. to BANISH these dark thoughts, do this. Find a mindless hobby to keep your hands and your head busy... counted cross stitch, needle point, crochet, knit... drawing, painting...whatever you can pick up to get away.