Friends with benefits

[minerva5]

I dated a guy for little under a year and he kind of "messed" me up. In short he made me "afraid" to have sex.

 

After we broke up I hooked up with a friend. This friend doesn't want to be in a relationship due to the fact that he just got out of a serious relationship. In the beginning I was ok with being friends with benefits, he's my best friend and I feel I can tell him anything. He's helped me a lot in sexual areas.

 

He claims he's polyamorous and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone, he wants to love everyone which would be fine. I, however, have a small issue with this. He's cute and could pretty much get anyone he wants, and I am not. No I am not one of those girls that thinks she's hideous and doesn't deserve love, but I am realistic, in this society I am not attractive. I feel that if I were cute and could get guys the way he can get girls I would feel less insecure. But he is really the only one that seems interested in me.

 

My question is, can one be in an open relationship where one is monogamous and the other not? Or is it doomed?

[kellbell]

I think it depends. But if it were me, it would be doomed. I could never handle being with man who slept with many people and I only wanted to be with him. I am emotionally not capable of handling that.

[lunatic]

I am with Kel on this one. I would not be able to handle having a partner that is sleeping around with whom ever he/she feels like. Sex eventually leads to feelings for one of the two people. This will cause major issues with you in the future and will ruin what little self-esteem you have now. Don't do it.

 

I am sorry but, you sound like you need to work on your self image. With a low self-esteem means you will not get many guys flirting with you. Just like women like a confident man, men like the same thing. Confident, sexy, and sweet. Sweet comes from within but, confidence and sexy come from a good self-image.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i think it would only work if you were both comfortable with it... and it seems like...maybe you aren't so comfortable with it.

 

I know i wouldn't be ......i want my man to myself...LOL

 

good luck!!

[RayKay]

Well, I think reading your post, I see you sort of answered your own question...you are not sure you are comfortable with it, and I have to say I would not be either.

 

I think FWB are often going to end up with some hurt on one side and one will become more attached then planned...it's why they are best left as VERY casual if done at all, and with a finite time until they end.

 

I also think FWB really PREVENTS you from meeting other, more eligible, and more "complete" people - ones whom can be what you need fully, but you are not meeting them as you are kind of "tied" to this guy. He's the only one who seems interested as you are being held back by him in a way, you are afraid to go out and risk meeting someone new.

 

I know you might not see it this way, but this is not a healthy relationship for you anymore - it may have helped for a while, but at this point you are already experessing your "small problem" to me that indicates it is an issue.

 

How would you feel if he did meet someone whom he DID realize he wanted to be with ONLY, and told you so?

 

What if you two were to get pregnant, what would he do? Do you really think he would be responsible for you and that child? These are things even FWB have to think about.

 

Knowing he is out there with many others...what if he brings at STI back to you (NO protection is 100% - chances are good you may already have HPV or any number of other things which can be transmitted even with condoms.

[notmyself24]

Sorry that you are going through this

 

I dont think that you are as unattractive as you think. That is great to be realistic- could you please throw some of that reality my way?!?

 

Maybe you are just going through a phase of low self esteem- it could be stress, a sudden lose, sudden weight gain 9we aren't getting any younger, lol). I have phases like this often & a million guys pining for me or a people telling me how pretty I am will not help- ultimately its how you feel about you- easier said than done, I know.

 

An older woman tolde me that sometimes seeming "ugly" women get what THEY want b/c they feel beautiful thereforeeee others see them that way too- how much of that is true...well, just look at hollywood (i.e Parish Hilton, uh...). I guess her point was that it is really how you feel on the inside.

 

I, for one should follow that advice too- maybe you should cut your friend loose 7 you will rediscover your inner beauty once again..it is all up to you & how much YOU can handle. Take care & chin up

[minerva5]

Yeah, I think I have screwed up.

 

Thanks everyone.

[darkblue]

Personally, I don't like Friends With Benefits because, in my experience, one partner gets 'too attached' to a relationship which is only meant to be fun.

 

It's also puting yourself at a higher risk of contracting STDs.