20 years old soon, and feeling out of place

[kiwifly]

I'm 19 now (I removed my age from my info b/c I started to suspect someone was finding out about my posts) but I'm turning 20 at the end of the week. I know this is not a big deal, but lately to me it has been.

 

See, I'm not the typical 19 year old girl. I don't like going to clubs, I don't like going to bars/pubs, and I certainly will never go to a house party. I have nothing wrong with this, don't get me wrong. It is just that my choice in lifestyle is making some of my friends drift away. Most of them like to go out drinking and partying on the weekends, and so when I mention going to dinner or renting a movie they're getting bored. Last weekend I went out with my closest friend (who seems to be the only one I see nowadays) and she even mentioned that she's getting tired of doing these things. She wants me to try going to clubs, and though I know she respects my decision not to, I sense that she's getting annoyed by it.

 

So what is a girl like me to do? I find so much joy in the simple pleasures of staying in and watching an old movie or just chatting about anything over a cup of coffee. But it seems like I am the only girl my age who likes to do these things!

 

I'm also in a bit of a different situations than my friends are at this point (most of them still don't know what they are going to do with their lives but I happened to find out what I was passionate about this year and so I know what I want to do). They're also much more into the dating game with those around my age, whereas I find myself being attracted to men who are 8+ years older than me that I can't actually date because they're all in positions of authority over me (supervisors, profs, etc)! Friends have tried to set me up with guys my age but we just don't see eye to eye. I find it very attractive to have intellectual conversations and yet most of the people I have been introduced to just don't care about that, rather bragging about how often they go to bars and other things like that.

 

So, my enotalone friends, I ask you, what should I do?? I am not going to change just to fit in with those who are my age but choose to live their lives differently, yet this difference is making me feel like I have no place with anyone: those who I'd like to be with are too old, and people my age just seem so immature!

 

Any advice would be great

[Smarie]

I felt the same way not to long ago. I have an uncle I went out with like twice, and let me tell you, my mother is quite young and my uncle is only about 5 years older than me. After hanging out with him, and hanging out with his friends,I suddenly realized that all this time, I was hanging out with people my age, if not a little bit younger and I was like the ring leader of them all. So I slowly started to cut myself off from them. I kept 2 friends from when I was younger to now and I see them once in a great while. My boyfriend I actually met while I was a Barista at a coffee house he would frequent. We ve been together ever since. Hes about 6 years older than me and his friends are all the same age and slightly older, and I have to say I am alot more *intelectually satisfied* i guess hanging out with him and his friends than the *punks* I used to hang out with. You will find where you fit in. Just let it come to you, youll see it when its there.......Good luck and best wished to you!!!

[PocoDiablo]

So what is a girl like me to do? I find so much joy in the simple pleasures of staying in and watching an old movie or just chatting about anything over a cup of coffee. But it seems like I am the only girl my age who likes to do these things!

Gee, you sound just like my fiance'. I met her when she was 21, I was 34.

 

I think you just need to meet the right guy. I met her when she was working at PetSmart and I walked in with my two Great Danes.

 

You never know when you'll meet the perfect person, so just keep being yourself and something good will happen.

[Relationship Coach]

Kiwifly,

You are right on track with your thinking. Everyone matures at different speeds and some choose to stay in that "Party Zone" their entire adult life. Part of growing up and maturing is realizing what keeps us from being what we want. We often have to cut ties with negative activities and people to move forward. It can be a hard choice but in the end, you will be where you want in life. Mental stimulation far out weighs the temporary stimulation from partying. Good Luck.

[ComputerGuy]

Im 21 and I'm the male version of you. I dont like clubs and drinking and I much prefer going out for coffee, watching a movie, going to the zoo or something like that over getting drunk.

 

Just be comfortable with how you are and don't let other people get you down, there are plenty of people who prefer to have friends like you, I'm one of them, so it's not really a big deal.

 

Do whatever makes you happy

[amylyn930]

hang out in places that you like because you'll be surrounded by people who like the same things... and you'll meet new people to hang out with that will love just sitting around !!

[Serendipity1607307077]

Kiwi, I am just the same as you - I am a homebody, and while I appreciate the friends I do have, the thought of pubs and clubs just doesn't appeal! I have nothing against those that go to them, however I feel much more in my element at home watching a movie or playing computer games.

 

It is better to do what makes you comfortable rather than put yourself out into a situation where you just don't feel happy.

 

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to older men - there is nothing wrong with age gaps either! My mother was married to my stepdad for 7 years and he was twice her age! There is a four year age gap between me and my fiancee, but I feel that guys my own age are just a bit too immature.

 

And yes, turning 20 next year freaks me out a bit too, but at least my fiancee won't sound like a cradle snatcher any more! lol!

[ShySoul]

kiwifly,

 

Reading your post really struck me cause I feel very similar. I'm far from your typical 22 year old. I tagged along once while friends went to bars and a club, was bored out of my mind and hated every second of it. House parties aren't for me either. I don't drink or party. Prefer nice, quiet, intimate settings. I would love to spend an evening with friends just watching movies, having a nice dinner, intelligent conversation... hey, even an evening laughing over stories while playing board games. I'm not hard to please, the simple things are what I like. But I seem to not meet people who feel the same way.

 

You are a mature person who has a clear vision for herself at an age where most don't have a clue what they want or what is really important. They think they are suppose to be in wild mode, that its fun and the greatest thing in the world. It's hard to be like this. It gets lonely and depressing. But in the end, you are the one who is better off. You are getting a jump start on your life before most others and will find yourself ahead of the game. Feel good about yourself, don't ever think something is wrong with you.

 

Try to accept the good things about your friends, accept them as they are. When you are around them, to things you all enjoy. If they want to do something you aren't into, let them go. Focus on what you enjoy and are into. You will meet people who are similar to you, they are out there. Important thing is to not let it get you too down or depressed.

 

It also follows that you are attracted to older men. They are more mature and have things settled in their life, whereas the guys your age are so immature from your viewpoint. Maddening, isn't it? But there are guys like you out there, you've heard from a few in this post. That should give you some hope. You will find someone who is right for you when the time is right. Until then, just be yourself and focus on what you love. And if you need a friend to talk to, I could always use an intelligent and mature person to talk to. Take care.

[kiwifly]

Thank you all so much for your advice and comments - you have no idea how much it helped me.

 

And hearing about how there are others out there like me makes me wish you all lived nearby!

[ComputerGuy]

Haha, yeah I know that feeling - good to hear we cheered you up

[arwen]

I think being like this is not at all a-typical in reality. It's just that in the media (like on tv), we get the impression that all of us twenty-somethings should be partying and and hanging out in clubs. You see already from this topic that most of us recognise ourselves in the way you describe yourself.

 

I am sure people like you live nearby. If you're not the type to really go out, it's just harder to meet them. I recommend you join a club of something you enjoy doing. Like if you like theatre, find a group that does that, or a sports/reading club.

 

Ilse

[Zerohero]

Clubs are over rated, and they are basically a pick up joint in reality. I don't see what apeals to everyone that goes other than the chance for some sex. I mean, can you really feel bad that a guy you meet at a club dumped you for another girl? I mean seriously?

 

Just do things you like to do man, stop watching "The Real World" on MTV because it's one of those big influences that has people thinking, its the "IN thing to do". Just like music video's advertise sex, drugs, parties, and violence. It's all an illusion.

 

I'd rather play FEAR mulitplayer online, than just be sitting around getting Drunk at some club. I like to DANCE ALOT! , but not at a club every freaking weekend....

[OmegaMan]

You do sound very mature. Maturity is one special gift. It´s both a curse and a blessing at the same time. I´m 25 and I have friends who are youngre but I also have friends who are 58 or in thier 40s and 50s!

 

I would love to meet a woman like you. Please, do not change. I cannot stress how important this. This is nothing sexier than a bright, intelligent, mature woman.

 

Omega

[OmegaMan]

"Just do things you like to do man, stop watching "The Real World" on MTV because it's one of those big influences that has people thinking, its the "IN thing to do". Just like music video's advertise sex, drugs, parties, and violence. It's all an illusion."

Yes. That is very true. I would add that what is "IN" today is pretty much a synonym to what is lucrative today. Lucrative field invest in publicity, publicity dictates the norm, the desirable and undesirable behaviours. Anyways, I thought your statement made a lot of sense.

 

Omega

[OmegaMan]

Reading your post really struck me cause I feel very similar. I'm far from your typical 22 year old. I tagged along once while friends went to bars and a club, was bored out of my mind and hated every second of it. House parties aren't for me either. I don't drink or party. Prefer nice, quiet, intimate settings. I would love to spend an evening with friends just watching movies, having a nice dinner, intelligent conversation... hey, even an evening laughing over stories while playing board games. I'm not hard to please, the simple things are what I like. But I seem to not meet people who feel the same way.

 

YES! Yes! Reading you guys I like a breath of fresh air.

 

Etienne

[ShySoul]

This is nothing sexier than a bright, intelligent, mature woman.

 

Exactly. Add in a great heart and you have everything a guy could want.

[darkblue]

Shy - don't deny it: Physical attraction is necessary.

[ShySoul]

Shy - don't deny it: Physical attraction is necessary.

 

Ok, physical attraction is necessary.

 

BUT.... (you knew that was coming, didn't you )

 

Physical attraction will take care of itself. Of the girls I've been really attracted to, I never noticed them physically at first, other then maybe to say "ya, she's cute." But then, every girl could be considered cute so thats not saying much. It wasn't until something in their personality sparked off an interest in me that I noticed they were physically beautiful. It was the emotional interest that came first, and that gave way to the physical. It wouldn't matter what she looked like, to me she would be gorgeous. It's why someone can look so radiant when they are just getting up, teeth unbrushed, in pjamas, hair a mess. Cause what is on the outside is just a reflection of what is on the inside. So I think the physical falls in place later, shouldn't be a factor as it takes care of itself.

[darkblue]

Ok, physical attraction is necessary.

 

That is all I heard! \\

 

I'm kidding - I agree with you on the rest.

Physical attraction can come with time, but most men are more likely to talk to a girl who looks approachable - and is physically attractive.(at least in their eyes)

[ShySoul]

and is physically attractive.(at least in their eyes)

 

Ah, there it is. And since "in there eyes" can be so different from person, all talks of physical attraction becomes pointless. Guess I'm just not picky. I think all members of the female gender are cute in their own way. So I'm not using it to decide who to approach. I need something more to get me interested.

[darkblue]

I need something more to get me interested

But you need the physical attraction to keep it exciting.

[ShySoul]

But you need the physical attraction to keep it exciting.

 

But without the other things to get it started, there would be no chance for excitement.

 

And you can keep it exciting with the mental and emotional aspects. Say, you can't be around for the physical act. That's when you put on the thinking cap and come up with some romantic gesture, doesn't even have to be big. Plus the physical aspect is mostly mental anyways.

[OmegaMan]

But without the other things to get it started, there would be no chance for excitement.

 

And you can keep it exciting with the mental and emotional aspects. Say, you can't be around for the physical act. That's when you put on the thinking cap and come up with some romantic gesture, doesn't even have to be big. Plus the physical aspect is mostly mental anyways.

 

Hmm.. I disagree with that. Physical appearance does play an important role. What I meant is that if you have someone who is attractive and they turn out to be cultured and intelligent, you start flirting pronto.

 

Omega

[ShySoul]

And if you have someone "attractive" and they are lightheaded, looks won't be able to make up for it. It's the other aspects that are the deciding factors.

[OmegaMan]

Again, I beg to differ. They both go hand in hand, although I would certainly agree one is more important than the other.

 

To each´s own, we just have different taste. I admire your determination to see beyond appearances. For me, however, it is important, although I find most women attractive.

 

Omega