21 Year Old Virgin

[DZ015]

Hi, I am 21 years old and I am alone. I know this board is titled "Dating and Shy People" but I am not shy. I have many friends and am a good communicator. I am successful in school and have a bright future ahead of me in the business world. These are things I have. However, I have yet to have a girlfriend. It's not that I am unatractive--I am fairly good looking. I have reached an impass and don't think I can take much more.

This past summer I met a girl and we got along well, we made out but that was about it. I decided I couldn't date her since it would be a long-distance-relationship (heck I didn't even know if I'd be home for the summer). I was so full of pride and excitement about my senior year. This year would be different. I had experience "under my belt" and would paint the town red. I realize now I set myself up for failure. I've been on several dates and have have had nothing but failure. The girls I have dated have either been crazy, or not interested. The ones that have been interested have been the ones I don't really like. Worse yet, all my friends have been "pairing off" leaving me alone and feeling inferior. I am wondering what is wrong with me. I think that some people aren't meant to be happy. I'm headed on a dark course. I have thought a lot about suicide recently. I know I would never do it , but somehow that's the only way I can channel a lot of these depressing thoughts.

This post is filled with vaguries. Maybe if I let you know a little about me it might help. I am 21 and I enjoy hanging out with friends and meeting new people. I am deliberate in all my personal dealings, but have a spontaneous sense of humor. I can laugh at almost anything and love to tell or hear a good story. Girls have always escaped me. I can't seem to take the initiative with the girls I like. I don't seem on the same level as most guys. I'm not interested in frivolous dating--I want a relationship. This area of my life things seem beyond my control.

This was pointless. I can't condense 21 years of frustration and self-doubt into one post. Whatever, I'm drunk right now and need some way to vent because I can't talk to anyone about this. I feel like I'd be too much of a burden on my friends. I am burdensome to myself. I am burdensome to this world.

[atraceofblood]

hey man, you are almost in a similar situation as me. I am 21 and I've yet to have a girlfriend, and heve been rejected left and right so far. I just want to let you know that I've never really been on an official date, never kissed, and the farthest I've gotten so far is either talking on the phone "briefly" or 'girl is already taken.' I've bearly known any girls throughout my lifetime, as I see a lot of my friends hanging out with other friends that are girl, I have yet to really do that.

 

I still believe there's hope inside, I believe there's a girl out there for all of us guys. I believe there's plenty of girls out there and one of them may be just the right one for you. I have been trying to keep my head up, and I hope you can too! Just imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend, so intense is the feeling, I just want to let it out and share it with a special girl. Goodluck!

[registered]

DZ015, mate, you are not burdensome on the world! In fact, people like me love to have someone to relate to and you do a good job with this.

And another thing, you won't ever be a burden on a friend - that is what friends are for. They stick by you and support you.

 

Check this out, this is what you said:

I have many friends and am a good communicator. I am successful in school and have a bright future ahead of me in the business world. ... It's not that I am unatractive--I am fairly good looking.

Do you know how many people would kill to have attributes like this! You are a pretty lucky guy. Don't forget this, and other people will realise your good points too.

 

I know how you feel about feeling stuck with no way out. But this is just a feeling, and it is not actually how things are. One thing is, your depressing feelings may not be rational, they could be caused by depression. And since you mentioned suicide, you shouldn't take any chances. Go see a counsellor or you local doctor. Have a chat about yourself like you have here. It will be good for you, and if there is anything they think they should help you out with then you will all the better for it.

No one is so strong that they can overcome such things - it is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of human-ness.

 

You didn't set yourself up for failure! No way! You did well, you worked at improving your situation and made out with that girl. That sounds like success to me.

Like you said, the problems were always with the other half of the equation, the girls. Well, it this is true then why should you worry! You just have to keep trying, there are so many girls out there, and so many of them are suited just for you and want to know you - and you will want to know them. Hope! Stay positive, and work for it. Be determined, and be willing. No one can do any more, and you will be an admirable person if you can maintain these qualities, which you do have.

 

Maybe you aren't on the same level as some guys. So what? That is now, or yesterday. Keep at it, keep trying to improve, and tomorrow, maybe you will be one level higher.

Initiating dealings with girl is a hard thing for us, don't worry. It is all about practise and deliberate actions - you sound like a successful guy with socialising with guys and your friends. You just need to extend this success to the girls - you have it in you. Be confident, practise, be willing, be determined. Get yourself out there. Put yourself in positions you may not be comfortable in - and maybe in the future you will be comfortable in them.

There are plenty of tips for being better at socialising with girls - I am sure there are heaps on this site. But really, if you are successful with guys and your friends then it is just a matter of practise, patience, and hard work!

 

Don't give up! People like me need someone to look up to and admire for changing their situations and you can be one such guy.

Like I said, you have a lot of admirable attributes, and a lot to offer other people and the world. See this, and use it! Other people want to know you.

 

All the best

 

And btw, you don't have to necessarily condense all of those 21 years in one post - ther e are plenty of people who relate to your situation. You aren't alone, and we appreciate your post. We feel your pain and hope to share in your success.

[volution]

It is only society's pressure in this world that makes us believe that there is something wrong with us if we don't have a girlfriend, lose our virginity, have a house, a car, children, a dream job, millions of pounds and an affair, divorce, etc. by a certain age.

 

I know that our bodies and hearts can also make us feel like 'time is running out' or we are missing something 'so great'.

 

The most important thing you will ever learn is:

"Don't Rush"....

You might not believe how important it is now, but anyone reading this, who lost their virginity to someone who wasn't that nice or compatible will know exactly what I mean.

So many people just bow to the peer pressure and sleep with someone just for the sole fact of being able to proclaim they aren't a virgin.

 

I lost my virginity last year at the ripe old age of 23yrs and 11 months, to a most sexual and older woman.

However, she used me. I discovered this later. It was sex, but not love. She lusted for me, but she didn't love me...

I wish I had not given my virginity away, because I gave my heart away too. Trust me, there is nothing colder in this world than having sex without love.

However, my heart is not all that sad, for I know when the time comes I will share something extremely beautiful with a beautiful woman who loves me as well as lusts for me.

 

The moral of my sad short tale is this:

WAIT until you LOVE someone before you lose your virginity with them.

It just ain't worth it any other way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[italianstalian]

ahhhh...........just go drivin around at 2 or 3 in the morning with about 100 bucks in your wallet...........there will be some girl on the corner waiting for you..............................thats what i would do if i was 21 year old virgin..............but hey, it could be worst...you could be 40year old virgin or even a 50 year old one..............consider yourself LUCKY

[amylyn930]

21 one is pretty young I think. You still have a whole life ahead of you.. you are just a senior in college.. maybe when you get a job and move somewhere and get a house you can start settling down and concentrating on finding a soulmate.. don't just have sex just because.. do it with someone special and make it worth the wait.. be patient!

[manhattanproject]

Hey man, don't despair. If you're a good communicator with a good sense of humor who is actually able to get dates, keep at it. It's a numbers game and you'll have to find the right girl for you eventually. You could be like me--I've never done anything with a girl, whether kissing, holding hands or anything like that. So keep your head up.

[Caldus]

Take it easy on yourself. You seem to be heading in the right direction (other than the suicide comment). I'm assuming you don't have this kind of attitude with the women you date because they will probably detect it immediately. Just keep your chin up. That's all it takes.

[melrich]

Yeah first I would say don't try and define yourself by either your success or otherwise with girls or with where youtr peers are at.

 

I am deliberate in all my personal dealings,

 

I used to be like this and other people do sense it. As I got older I have become a much more relaxed person and friends who knew me when I was younger have often said I had this air of unapproachability about me. I never knew that at the time.

 

Maybe try to consciously lighten up a bit. Allow people to be comfortable in your "space".

[Caterina]

Ohmigoodness, you are so old! You might as well give up now. (Kidding, of course). I know its hard when other friends are hooking up...this is a good time to get into your interests and do "find yourself" type things...thats always fun, and in the end your future mate will be thankful that you are such an interesting person. Just remember, usually when people feel pressure to act quickly, and are impatient towards life, they miss out on the good things. Sweetie, you are only twenty one! Get out and enjoy life. And I agree with volution...don't sleep with someone unless you love them first...they dont call it "making love" for any old reason...sex creates emotions that might not have been there in the first place and complicates things in a way that could be safer if just avoided....

[ShySoul]

Hey, 22 and a virgin. No girlfriend either. And you know what? I don't need one. Yes, it gets lonely at times. Yes, it would feel great to have someone to share my life with and open up to, to trust all my secrets with, to love and cherish, to devote myself to. It hurts at times, and the hurt is unbearable. Sometimes you want to give up. Sometimes you want to just say it will never happen and condemn yourself to a life of isolation. Sometimes you want to just get with anyone, just so you can say you've had those experiences. It's hard to deal with.

 

But it isn't the end of the world. You are not a burden, you are a blessing. You are a great person with many great qualities. Focus on that. All to often people focus on what they don't have instead of what they do have. You say you have a successful future ahead of you, that you have friends, got lots going for you. That's more then a lot of people. Focus on that stuff. Love will come in time, it always does. The important thing is to not lose hope. To believe that what you are looking for is out there and will come to you one day. Believe in yourself.

 

Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. If anything I would say its something to be proud of. Look at it this way. When you do finally have it, you'll be able to say to the girl that you waited for the right girl, her.

 

Feel free to vent, thats why we are here. We are a lot more help then alcohol. Hope you feel better about things. Take care.

[SunspotJ]

Hey man,

I am in the exact same situation as you. Until recently, I had done absolutely nothing with a girl and then I started seeing someone. We went out a few times, ended up making out, holding hands, etc... It felt so good, I didn't even want to have sex. I just felt very close to her and thats all I needed.

Well, I am a very shy person and a bit self-conscious and it seems things went sour and I got very depressed over it because I felt nothing good ever happens to me.

But you know what man, reading this forum really helped. There are many many people just like me and you. We aren't suffering, and thats what we have to know. We are truly righteous people, we don't take advantage of women like many do, don't feel the need to conform to peer pressure, etc.. etc..

What I have realized is that girls are secondary in life man. You are primary. Obviously you are not completely satisfied with yourself right now. Put down the booze (trust me) and just reflect on your life and think about all the positives and all the *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* you have going for you. Get into the mindstate where you know you are the *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* and it will completely change your outlook. It will probably also change the way people see you.

Things will fall into place, and until they do, mannnn be proud, u kissed your first girl, feel good about it. Damn man, I bet you wouldn't even be feeling like this if you didn't kiss her.

Life is full of disappointments, learn from em and turn em into positivity!

One Love

[ShySoul]

SunspotJ, sorry things didn't work out with the girl. Hurts when it ends, but it feels good at the time, doesn't it?

 

There are many many people just like me and you. We aren't suffering, and thats what we have to know. We are truly righteous people, we don't take advantage of women like many do, don't feel the need to conform to peer pressure, etc.. etc..

 

Exactly. All guys (or girls) in our position should keep reminding themselves of that.

[pineapple_juice]

Love comes when you stop looking for it. Enjoy being yourself. Enjoy being single. Be completely happy. No woman can make you happy, you can only learn to be satisfied by changing your mental schemas and cognitions. Learn to appreciate what you have, and when you are truly happy by yourself, women will flock to you. Women generally reject desparate guys.

[WalkingWithGod]

Most people don't really start dating until after people start getting jobs. People that date before they enter the workforce are generally just trying to be with someone. Those people aren't necessairly happy they just feel like they need to be with someone. After people enter the workforce they feel like they can start a family and gain real confidence in themselves. So anyways the age group you are at right now aren't really in the dating mode yet.

[theproman23]

Read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, that'll help so much cause I am in a similar situation, although i just got dumped by the onyl gf i've ever had, and it gave me a lot of confidence and let me realize some interesting things about myself. Believe me read this book as soon as possible! It's simply amazing how accuratly this guy analyzes guys likes us and lets improve ourselfes to lead a better life.

[sleepygirl]

I'm a 24 year old female in a similar situation. I am a friendly, intelligent, and fairly attractive person, but I've never really had a relationship! I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me and why others who aren't as friendly or intelligent are always having dates with the guys. But then I think that maybe my standards are higher, and there is nothing wrong with that. I agree with you that I don't want to date just to have a good time - there has to be at least some potential for a long-term relationship. Once that's gone, then I don't see the point in continuing to date someone. However, I know plenty of people who date just for fun. You must be happy being single - another person doesn't make you happy. However, finding the right person can make a happy person even happier.

[Ghost_ape]

I know how you feel, somewhat.

I'm 20...Not that old, I'll admit, but not seeing any real prospects for amorous attention any time soon.

 

It's a miserable loneliness that accompanies a sort of hopelessness, when you're in a situation like mine. (I took this past year off, to work, as opposed to going to University.)

 

I've spent the past 10 months in relative social isolation, hardly spending much time at all with people my age, due to circumstances that arose, taking the year off to work, while everyone else moves away to go to school, or is just otherwise too busy to spend time with.

 

I've had a girlfriend. That relationship lasted about 2 months.

Nothing happened.

 

The way things are looking, it'll be a while before I get "deflowered."

 

The few times I've actually come close to getting some, it was say, myself and some heavily intoxicated girl deciding it'd be a good idea to make out in a bedroom... a bedroom that happens to belong to a friend of mine. (Yeah, I know. I'm still kicking myself over that one. In a way, I'm kind of glad nothing happened in there, for my friend's sake.)

 

Although, in my limited experience with women, I can say one thing: If you try too hard to get laid, you're never going to get laid.

Women pick up on a guy who's desperate and willing to go to ridiculous lengths to get some sexual attention, like a dog can detect what you've been eating for the past few days, by sniffing your ass.

 

It's like a sixth sense. Seriously.

This may sound like pretty shoddy advice, coming from someone who's never gotten much further than making out, with a bit of boob/ass grabbing, but you can't be a doormat.

 

But at the same time, you can't be a * * * * * * * either.

 

She'll either think you're an emasculated pawn to manipulate to other ends, or a creepy jerk.

 

The happy medium is difficult to attain, annnndd....what am I talking about? Hahahha..

I'm not even sure myself.

 

Here's the facts: drunk girls are easy. But don't think that they'll just fall on their back and spread-eagle, once you let them know you're interested.

Seduction is a game.

 

It's a game I've never won at yet, but one that we all can win, if we play our cards right.. I mean, hey, if I can do it, anyone can. Anyone.

 

Another thing: Guys with "standards"?

 

GET OVER YOURSELVES!

 

The one thing that bugs me most about these kinds of discussions whether they be on forums like this one, or in a basement apartment, watching UFC, and tossing back the odd beer, is when a guy wants to get laid, and perversely enough, refuses some denomination of girls, because they're "below" his standards.

 

Take what you can get.

 

Regards to the original poster: a lot of what I'm saying doesn't apply to you.

Like the last paragraph.

 

But, you realize, you must, that there are some of us that are virgins and don't want to be virgins?

 

I know the common consolation for people bemoaning their length terms of "purity" is to say "Oh well, don't feel pressured into it or anything. Just because your friends are doing it doesn't mean you have to."

 

That mantra was nice and all when you're 17, and masturbating 3 times a day and wondering why you can't pick up like all the other guys are bragging about in the locker room after gym class...

But I'm the kind of person who's a virgin...and really doesn't want to be.

I don't value virginity. I don't want to 'wait for the right person'.

 

The "right person" for me is whatever girl doesn't mind me sliding an arm around her at the bar, or on the couch at the next house party I drag my ass to.

I'll admit- I'm a bit of a pervert, and it's really just bad luck/timing/circumstances that have prevented me from being "deflowered."

 

I know my beliefs are anything but wholesome, but for all our sakes, I thought I'd just be honest!

[MD Geist]

22 years old and in the same boat as you guys and hate it!.

[DaBladeRoden]

Just wait until your 24 and out of college, and any small chance you may have had before is now completely dried up

[pboy]

To the OP, I dont know if this makes you feel better.

I'm 23 and only got my first kiss at 22. I have never dated anyone, and my 'record' for attraction and dates is horrific: ive been stood up and used way too many times. people say im not ugly (but they could be lying LOL), and im CONSTANTLY around a large variety of people, and i am HIGHLY sociable. I guess I'm just unappealing to women. I never liked the movie "40 year old virgin", because i felt that would be me. I was often depressed because i felt "alone", and my whole life was like that. All throughout school, I'd be the only one who was standing single. When people find out I was a virgin until recently, and that my first kiss was only this year, they're ALWAYS surprised. maybe you're going after the wrong girls? Its funny; it wasn't until i actually stopped looking, did "she" show up....

its not a race to lose your virginity. as stupid as it sounds, at times i wish i still had mine.

if youre just trying to get laid, dont be picky about the girl. Beggars cant be choosers.

[solacean]

I never liked the movie "40 year old virgin", because i felt that would be me.

 

It's interesting to me that you didn't like that movie because you didn't want to end up being that guy, while I actually liked that movie quite a bit when I am already that guy, more or less (with another half dozen years into the bargain). While there are many unrealistic elements in that movie, of course, there were also a surprising number of aspects where I felt they really got it right. But mostly I was just happy that the whole movie wasn't one big, continuous "look at how stupid and useless the virgin is" riff.

[Luke Skywalker]

I lost my virginity last year at the ripe old age of 23yrs and 11 months, to a most sexual and older woman.

However, she used me. I discovered this later. It was sex, but not love. She lusted for me, but she didn't love me...

 

So what's the difference? I mean, to some guys (myself included at times), we just don't feel we are able to elicit lust on other people and feel totally invisible and would feel very good if we got sexual attention.

 

If you wanted to lose your virginity to get rid of it, then why would you say she used you -- you achieved your objective to lose your virginity and you both used each other. I think anyone who wants to get rid of their virginity can get used by another woman unless they catch an STD in the process. It would be grossly unfair to catch a nasty STD from someone you had sex with on the first time.

 

What you could say is that you had a disgusting experience if you didn't enjoy it, and I know it has been said that if you lose your virginity with a prostitute, whether you pay for it or it's free, that some people have described it as 'disgusting'. So, you didn't have a good time with her I take it then? It wasn't worth it at the end?

 

 

I wish I had not given my virginity away, because I gave my heart away too.

 

Yeah, but did you really want to have a relationship with a cougar? You were in there for casual stuff, right? Or did you just like her because she deflowered you and you felt that was love because she gave you that experience?

 

Trust me, there is nothing colder in this world than having sex without love.

 

Contrast to masturbation, or using a fleshlight, which is worst?

 

However, my heart is not all that sad, for I know when the time comes I will share something extremely beautiful with a beautiful woman who loves me as well as lusts for me.

 

But then again, you now have more women who would like to date you now that you are a non-virgin, you are in the 'in crowd' now.

 

The moral of my sad short tale is this:

WAIT until you LOVE someone before you lose your virginity with them.

It just ain't worth it any other way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Well, in a sense, you've gained a life experience, thereforee, you are at least at a higher level. You are now more interested in finding the right girl, now that you have some sex experience and sex is less of a mystery to you, so you've cleared up some space at least, right? Now, the hot babe that you want to see will probably look higher on you that you've had sex before rather than some virgin that cant get laid. So, why exactly are you complaining?

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm a 32 year old virgin and I have never seen a live naked woman other than when I was 8 years old and a neighbourhood girl pulled down her pants to show her vagina and I pulled down my pants as well or touched a girl in a sexual pattern.

 

But I don't have any STD, don't have to pay child-support, never been falsely charged for rape by any basket case, I've never been divorced, I'm not stuck in a relationship that I don't want but cant get out of, and I'm not a slave to my passions to the point it's self-destructive to my own life.

 

Not doing bad so far.

 

Does anyone want to catch an STD at 22 years old? Stats show there is a good chance of catching them, and condoms don't work all the time.

[username1607307862]

hey i know exactly what you mean, im in the same boat. no one would guess i was a virgin and most of my friends dont know, i think most people think if yoy havent done it at this stage there is something wrong with you. i assure you im nearly 21, there is nothin wrong with me - im just not comfortable with that stuff yet, i mean why do it with someone yr not in a relationship with. you'll find there are loads of people like you..haha i just had to post a thread like this to find it out. but apparently we not as rare as you'd think.

 

best of luck, i hope you get yours when its perfect and special and right!!