Child Abuse Survivor <Mod Title>

[TAFFY]

I don't know if this is where I should post this or not, but since this is the

Abuse and Violence forum, here it will go:

 

I am an adult survivor of child abuse, and repeated molestations by 2 cousins and another molestation by the father of a friend. I have not dealt with these issues yet with a counsellor, I have an appointment in 2 wks.

These experiences have caused me to be EXTREMELY distrustful of people in general and men in particular. I also survived 2 abusive partners, 1 verbally abusive and mentally cruel, and the other a physical abuser.

 

I am not currently in a relationship, because of these huge trust issues and low-self esteem. I have a very dear friend that I keep in contact with via email. I guess the reason I'm posting on this site is, how do I learn to trust men again, and if I do happen to start in a relationship, how do I feel safe and comfortable with him if he wants to become intimate, and how should he act or perform or what actions or how should he handle me?

Forgive me for asking these questions, and if this isn't where this post needs to be, please feel free to either move or delete it.

 

With the physical abuser (my last ex) we were intimate a total of 3 times, and the 1st time we made love, as soon as he was inside me I got a mental vision of the man who molested me, and it was like he was right there in my face. I do not want this to happen again, and all 3 times I never had an orgasm, and all 3 times it was extremely painful. Can someone help me out here? Would like female and male opinions. Thanks.

[melrich]

Hi Taffy,

 

I am sure you will get some good feedback from members, some of whom will probably have experienced similar.

 

I am not in a position to offer you any advice as I have neither the knowledge nor the experience but it is great you are about to get some professional help as I think ultimately you will need that to resolve your issues.

 

All the best with your healing. Stay in touch and I hope you get some valuable insights from members.

[fromfaraway]

I had similar experiences. I have experienced all kinds of abuse: verbal, physical, and sexual. I think therapy will help you a lot if you find a good therapist, but also you need to make a CLEAR commitment to help yourself. I mean you need to invest some time, and be willing to make some changes in your life if necessary. Seeking a therapist is a very healthy sign, and also it is very amazing that you have realized that it is about time you sought help of a professional.

 

I have been on therapy for about three years. I am over most of those issue that made me almost dysfunctional. I attend an IVY league school now, and have the healthiest life possible. I would not have imagined I will ever go this far.

 

As for the abusers, I have gained insights into them as well over the years. They are the ones with the real problems and insecurities. They are not courageous enough to face themselves and change, so they project all those insecurities onto someone else. It is wrong, and sometimes it is necessary to learn to stop people from doing that to you.

 

Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. And most importnatly do NOT blame yourself for any of it: you were the VICTIM. I am so glad you are doing this although I do not know you.

 

Best of luck for you, dear. Yes, we can change ourselves.

 

Please keep us informed of how things go.

Warmly,

 

A survivor of all types of abuse

[sonjam]

Hi TAFFY,

 

Yes I'm glad you are going to get therapy, because having a mental block towards sex will inhibit you in many ways.

 

I guess one of the biggest things now, is for you to resolve the issues of hate, anger, and feelings of guilt. (They do make you feel guilty, as if it is your fault) Find yourself first, before trying to start a new relationship with another partner. Thing is, one is prone to repeat the same cycle of behaviour, with the same type of person, that is probably why, subconsciously, you keep on choosing abusive people.

 

Once you are in a better place with your self-esteem, and you are processing the issues around the abuse and molestation, you will have more confidence, and trust your own instincts, and then you will be in a better postion to find a suitable partner. I bet once you find a person you are comfortable with the sex issues will resolve itself.

[miracle29]

Oh this is so troubleing to read this about anyone. I am so sorry that this has caused you pain as a child and now has gone into even your adult years. I too am a survivor or severe physical child abuse. My father did not sexually abuse me, nor did other family members, but abuse is abuse and its sad and it hurts. I am very happy that you have come here today to vent and get feedback. A lot of us have gone through abuse as well and I 'm here to tell you, abuse my father inflicted on me had me so messed up I never wanted to have children, out of fear that I'd be the type of parent he was to me. (if you could call him that).

 

 

It took me some time to come to grips with the fact that he was sick and not me, and so i am now married and I am now pregnant and very happy that soon I will have a child that I can nurture and protect and treat very well. I wont be like him because I am not him and he does not control who I am now. I want you to know that there is help and I'd suggest you try to find a local therapist or someone who doesnt know your history and who can help you through this from scratch. I am sure with the proper help you will be on the way to living your life as it was meant to be, and not under the fear or control of those who inflicted damage on you. The don't deserve that power.

[BillyJean714]

Hi Taffy,

 

I went through with what you went through as well. In my case, it happened periodically with different people during my childhood. It left really long term scars. I'm about half your age, and am also struggling with trust issues. It's tough! I hope that this feeling will go away, but you know what I realized? It's just a part of who we are. Sometimes, I think, maybe I'll live and die alone, due to my trust issues. If that's the case, then hey, I'm happy with it.

 

About envisioning your molester, I spoke to a domestic violence counselor about this once. It was very uncomfortable, but she did tell me that it's natural for survivors to go through "episodes" of dating people who resemble their previous perpetrators. Why? Because, as she says, "It's subconsciously a way for us to deal with unresolved issues from the past." Her analysis makes so MUCH sense! After hearing what she said, I realize, she is right, and for lots of reasons, I chose to date a guy who was abusive- emotionally, physically, and verbally. In some ways, for people like us, it's really sickening to think that in one way or the other, we somehow make up excuses and internalize things by saying, "That behavior is normal." BUT, it's not. It's because that's what we grew up with. That's what we knew to be true.

 

I realize, we can always make a change for ourselves. Now that we know what the root of the problem is, we can make smarter decisions for ourselves and move onto a better life. Only thing is, it just takes a huge amount of time and effort. There are some days in which I just don't really want to live. Although we remember what happened, and it did happen years back, it's still very traumatizing. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I do realize that self-healing is the healthiest, so far. I tried talking it out to a school counselor, but it didn't work.

 

What helps me, and maybe it can help you too is if you think about how other people have it less fortunate. For example, there are several kids in Africa who get raped, almost everyday, while going through constant civil war. Not only that, but they have to watch their mothers and the rest of their family members get raped and killed. Some have it more worse where millitary guerillas chop their limbs (among other body parts) off. They literally go through "torture". Yet, the still survive. I can only imagine how much pain these women and children go through. I realize that everyone suffers, but in varying degrees. Unfortunately, being a woman, we are not as physically strong, so there isn't always a way for us to completely protect ourselves.

 

The only thing that we can protect is our personal strength. As long as we have faith and are strong- then nothing can stop us. Anyway, that's how I deal with my problems. I think, "Things can be much worse. We just have to make the BEST out of our own situation, no MATTER what."

[TAFFY]

All of you have given some very good advice. I had a very severe bout of depression from the middle of May, till October. My mother, whom I loved very dearly and was her caretaker, was in the hospital to get rehab to regain her strength and died suddenly and completely unexpected. I didn't know how bad I was until my friends said something to me. And then, with the friend's father molesting me at age 11, I tend not to trust men very well. I had repressed the memories of being molested by my cousins until just recently, and had started to have flashbacks of these episodes.

 

That's basically why I posted in this forum, to see if any of the women, and hopefully some of the men could give me some insight as to:

 

1. How women who've suffered abuse tolerate intimacy with a partner or

a spouse,

2. How would a man present himself, or perform, or some of the things

that men (the nice ones) perform.

 

I've asked this badly. I would like to her how a guy would treat his partner if she's been abused as a child, and how he would or even if he would modify kissing, making out, foreplay and ultimately intimacy. Sorry this post is so long. Thanks for any help anyone could give in advance.

[miracle29]

I said I was not molested by a family member, I was however brutally attacked by a stranger. I didnt want to get into this, but if it will help you, i'm willing to come out with this, but please note that this is so very hard for me to open up about. I can't go into details, but I can tell you that I took control of my life and did not let what a perverted child molesting, raping bas###d did to me, ruin my entire life. I found that when I was 18yrs old, I could help others. This is the ONLY thing that saved me. I spoke to women both younger and older than me who helped me through the same or similar thing as me. I mentored young rape victims and women who had been attacked by men who were even their own fathers. I cried many of nights, but they helped me and I became stronger.

 

Once I found out i was NOT alone, things changed for me for the better.

 

Then one person told me something that changed my views. She was an older woman, at this time it was 3 yrs later, after the first convention i went to. I was then 21. She said to all of us "when you sit around in tears, and can't cope with life, and can't kiss, hold hands, be intimate or even enjoy a partner in your life, I want you to know that each time you deny yourself this natural right, you are still giving this person power over you, and they don't deserve it".

 

This made me so angry that it got me thinking about my life, and why I was alone at the time, and why I couldnt relate to men or females very well and then all of a sudden, whenever I would want to break down and cry I WOULD NOT. Whenever I would feel like breaking a date I DID NOT...and eventually me being stronger and living MY life became more important and empowering for me.

 

No amount of counceling helped me like that womans words. Mind you, she too was a victim of rape, and actually was attacked by her own brother. Some how I knew through her strength that I could find mines.

 

I have no issues with intimacy with my husband (as far as me closing up or feeling funny) because I refuse to let that be an option. I will enjoy my life, I will live again, I will go running again, I will be free again, was my motto then and at this age, I can tell you ...it has surely paid off.

 

This is not an over night process, but now when i've come as far as I have, I can't see myself turning back around.

 

"Help others and they will help you" There is so much truth to this statement. I should know..it worked for me.

 

Now i'm pregnant with a daughter and now only will I put her in self defense classes, but I will not trust any men around her who isnt her father . I don't care who they are, and thats just me. My own brother is in prison, when he gets out, do you think i'll let him around her without me being around? HELL NO. I am sorry if that hurts him, but his feelings will have to be pushed aside for her safety. Better safe than sorry. Some of you may disagree , but thats a chance i'm not willing to take. He's been away from women too long, and my daughter will not be left alone with him EVER! And he never molested me, but his being in a place lik e that, changes things for me. I wish someone would have protected many other women like I will protect my daughter.

[fromfaraway]

Hi Tafty,

 

I am actually a man I have already posted here but here some more.

I dated a girl that was very scared of men. I was not sure why, though. She was very inexperienced and for some reason not very open to men. I have always accepted her the way she is and tried to help. She broke up with me two years ago, and we were not able to keep contact: it was too painful. After two years she contacted me again, and as soon as I responded she runs away. My friends advised me to send her a nasty email and ask her to go away, but I have not. What I am trying to make her understand is this: your feelings are valid, sweetheart. You are scared and I will not push you to tell me why you are. However, if you ever need me I am hear. I love you so dearly!

 

I am not sure whether this is a typical reaction a guy will have towards a girl that is scared to death of intimacy, but I can speak for myself. Yes, it is ok that the ones you love are scared. There are reasons for that, and the most important thing is we make them understand we love them.

 

I wish she just gives me a chance to help her.

 

Ok, that is how I think about that.

 

fromfaraway!

[miracle29]

from far away....Just a tip for you, You can't help someone who doesnt want to help themself. Try your best not to go into a relationship where you have to do the rescuing. That is putting too much pressure on you and you don't deserve that. A woman who doesnt want to be helped will only scar you in the process of you trying to give it your all. Its called baggage, and you don't want to enter a relationship like this. It will cause you pain, and you will always feel like you couldnt messure up, when the truth was, she wasnt ready to be with someone stable such as yourself until she indeed sought the help she needed.

 

Sorry Taffy, just wanted to help the gentleman out a bit.

[miracle29]

from far away....Just a tip for you, You can't help someone who doesnt want to help themself. Try your best not to go into a relationship where you have to do the rescuing. That is putting too much pressure on you and you don't deserve that. A woman who doesnt want to be helped will only scar you in the process of you trying to give it your all. Its called baggage, and you don't want to enter a relationship like this. It will cause you pain, and you will always feel like you couldnt messure up, when the truth was, she wasnt ready to be with someone stable such as yourself until she indeed sought the help she needed.

 

Sorry Taffy, just wanted to help the gentleman out a bit.

[fromfaraway]

Miracle,

 

Thanks for the tip. I think Taffy will not mind as your comment and mine do in fact fall in the spirit of her thread.

 

I do think that you are right. My door is open for her when she needs me. Although I am not interested in being in a relationship with her at the moment, I cannot shake my feelin of compassion for her. It is my nature, and I am happy I am this way.

 

I will give what you have said a serious thought, and will see what the future brings.

 

Sincerely,

 

fromfaraway!

[PavPPZ1]

What helps me, and maybe it can help you too is if you think about how other people have it less fortunate. For example, there are several kids in Africa who get raped, almost everyday, while going through constant civil war. Not only that, but they have to watch their mothers and the rest of their family members get raped and killed. Some have it more worse where millitary guerillas chop their limbs (among other body parts) off. They literally go through "torture". Yet, the still survive. I can only imagine how much pain these women and children go through. I realize that everyone suffers, but in varying degrees. Unfortunately, being a woman, we are not as physically strong, so there isn't always a way for us to completely protect ourselves.

 

Hi, you are a very inspiring girl, reading your words makes me feel happy. I like girls who think like you, its nice to know you are out there, and hopefully more then 1 .

[chai714]

Taffy,

Until you get these problems dealt with by a professional, you'll continue to have bad experiences. I have a friend who is a sexual abuse survivor much like yourself, and she has never got help either. The result? She's scared to death of sex, going to see a gyncologist, freezes up when intimate at times, and is always trying to please people no matter what. Not sure if you share some of the same characteristics, but it's common.

 

First and foremost, getting into counseling is the first step. Another would be educating yourself. I'll pm you some resources that will help you. This won't be easy (sure you already know), but it's a step in the right direction and that is important.

[TAFFY]

Maybe I'm not expressing myself adequately enough to say what I want to say. Right now, I am scared of everything and everybody. I have trouble going out of the house. I have uncontrollable shaking, and when I try to talk to someone, someone I don't know or a man I don't know, I physically have a very hard time speaking to them, even on the phone.

 

I would like to be in a relationship again, but I've been hurt so many times that I would just like to know how a man would get a woman he wants to be intimate with to relax enough to enjoy the various stages of arousal, foreplay, intercourse. I would just like to know that somewhere out there is a man that would be willing to work with a woman in my situation to get her relaxed enough so that she would enjoy sex.

 

I don't want to be with someone, and have him want to be intimate, and then freak like I did the 1st time. My ex told me that I was wet and he thrust into me and said that all of a sudden I was dry, but then got wet again. I've had sex 3 times with the same man, and never once had an orgasm.

[fromfaraway]

Taffy,

 

Your symptoms are quite normal for someone who has had a similar experience. I had shaking as well. It went away now. You have taken the most important step already: seeking help and be willing to talk about how you feel. I am sure you will find people who will care about you and cherish you, just keep it up.

 

Do not rush things. Things were done to you over a long period of time, but they will be undone.

 

Take great care of yourself.

[chai714]

Making that initial step to see a professional, is the hardest one. Counseling can be even more difficult, while in the process. Why? Because you have to tell your stories all over again. I've seen someone do it, I've supported them, and it's not easy even as a supporter.

 

Getting in a relationship with a man who understands all this should not be a priority right now. Moving forward and taking positive steps in your own life, should be. I can tell you from experience, that most men will not take the time to educate themselves on the subject, learn how to deal with and support their significant other, and not get angry, frustrated, and fed up. This isn't easy for neither the survivor, nor the supporter. This is why I recommend not seeking out any relationship - because it might add more pressure to your life. Bottom line, you'll heal at your own rate. If you do find a man who understands, has the patience, and has the will to stick by your side - GREAT. But, from what I have seen it rarely happens. Anyhow, good luck.

[TAFFY]

Does the problem that I have with just speaking with someone I don't know stem from what happened to me when I was younger? I have a terrible time just talking to a stranger or at times, even someone I know very well.

 

I will be talking on the phone to someone, and my voice will get lower, and then I start to stumble over words, then I can't think of the word I want (it's like my mind goes blank), then I sit there and try to talk and it will be like I can't get the word out (I can't seem to speak the word) and this causes me great anxiety.

 

Can anyone tell me why this happens, and can someone tell me why I am so scared of everything and everybody? I'm feeling real anxious right now typing this? I hate feeling this way. 8-[

 

I am trying to help myself, and I do want to get better, but I'm just having a very hard time right now.

 

Chai, you are probably right that I shouldn't worry about a relationship at this point in time.

[fromfaraway]

Hi Taffy,

 

I think what you feel is the result of abuse. Deep down you are afraid of being judged and rejected by others. Prolonged abuse has this effect on people, and I was one of them. Believe me: it does get better.

 

What I will do if I were you is that I will close my eyes and imagine myself walking in a garden. Then I see a child that is very distressed and scared. I will hug her, kiss her on her cheek and put her on my lap and tell her that all is going to be alright. The child you just met is yourself...

 

 

[chai714]

My educated guess on why you have feelings of above normal levels of anxiety, is that it has something to do with the abuse. It could be a combination of that, and how you were raised, but my guess is that it's more a result of the abuse you suffered. I know it's not your fault. You seem to want to get better, and that's obviously a good start and a great thing to want.

 

Take small steps, and have no or little expectations. Healing from the traumatic events you experienced will no doubt take time and effort. I'm not going to lie to you, things will probably get worse before they get better if you choose to see a professional. You'll have to recollect all the bad things, talk about them, and go through the emotions they bring. But, it's a necessary component of healing - confronting your past and coming to terms with it.

 

I give you all the credit in the world though. You want help, and you want it bad enough to ask. I know that it takes courage. I know it's not easy, and never will be, but your life will improve as a result of your assertiveness and determination. Good luck, I'm on your side.

[TAFFY]

When I go to the counsellor next week, and while I go through the counselling process, is it OK if I still come here and post? I know this is really going to be hard for me to do; I've also had 3 bad experiences with counsellors and psychiatrist. I am really very scared to be going to another counsellor. I just would like to be able to post here in this forum, again, and wondered if it would be OK? Thanks.

[snowgirl]

When I go to the counsellor next week, and while I go through the counselling process, is it OK if I still come here and post? I know this is really going to be hard for me to do; I've also had 3 bad experiences with counsellors and psychiatrist. I am really very scared to be going to another counsellor. I just would like to be able to post here in this forum, again, and wondered if it would be OK? Thanks.

Of course it is! You don't have to ask permission. That's what the forum is for.

[avman]

You are absolutely welcome to post here and bounce ideas off us about how things are going with your therapy. While we aren't a substitute for the therapist, we can certainly be an additional resource for you and another shoulder to lean on.

[TAFFY]

Well, I went to the counselling appointment this morning, and I really think that I am going to be able to work with this counsellor. I told him that I'd had bad experiences with counsellors and psychiatrists in general, and he said that I don't need to worry about anything like that happening right now. He asked if I had ever been suicidal in the past, and I told him yes, but not now; this was 20 yrs ago. He asked if I had a plan at that time, and I told him yes, and I still remembered the plan. He asked me to tell him what it was, and I said if I tell you that the next thing I know I'd find myself back in the hospital. He asked me if I would use it now, and I said no. He then asked me if he could trust me not to use it and I said absolutely you can trust me not to use it. I do not feel suicidal. To me suicde is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Yes, you won't have your problems then, but your family and friends also will not have you

Thanks for letting me post.

[melrich]

I am really glad you have found a counsellor you feel you can trust Taffy. I am sure you will be able to work through this. Please keep us in touch.