Husband is very close to his longtime female friend

[Rabican]

Snooping is not wrong. Anyone that thinks it is needs to pull their head out of their a$$

 

You have every right to look into what your man is doing. You are investing your time and your life into him, and he is doing things that are not exactly on the up and up. You have a right to protect yourself, and to know whats going on... dont just walk around blind because you are afraid to invade his privacy. Trust me, if you were doing what he was doing (talking to your 'friend' all the time) he would be reading your emails too.

 

Get yourself a keylogger, install it on his computer (at work and at home if possible)

Also I would tell him that under no circumstances is he to be ALONE with his 'friend'. If he wants to see her, then he can do it with you around. Theres no reason for him to be alone with her. None. I would also tell him how you feel about his 'friendship' with this girl... he needs to respect you and your relationship. It doesnt sound like he is doing that now... maybe dont cut him off from her comletely, but he should be willing to compromise and talk to her less (assuming that nothing really bad is going on)

[novaseeker]

Of course it's wrong! Not only is it a violation of privacy of the person being snooped on, it's also self-defeating for the person doing the snooping.

 

If you feel the need to snoop on your partner, you should reevaluate whether that's the person you should be in a relationship with. If you cannot trust your partner (and if you need to snoop, by definition, you are not comfortable trusting), you need to ask yourself whether you want to stay in that relationship ... not further undermine your ability to develop trust by engaging in ever more intricate methods of snooping.

[TiredMan]

Ummm no. Snooping IS wrong. If you have trust issues like that, then the problem is you.

[RayKay]

What do you mean "snooping is not wrong". Sure it is..I can see if there is clearly something that happened (ie you discover his shirt covered in lipstick) but snooping just based on fact he has a female friend, or just for the sake of "ensuring he is honest" is going to do FAR more harm then good.

 

If you can't trust your partner enough to have honest discussions with him, be confident you are honest with one another and respect one anothers feelings and beliefs - then you should not be with that person in the first place. Don't invest your life into someone you don't trust!

 

Snooping only causes you to look for more if you don't find what you want, builds up deceit and distrust, it's a poison to the relationship - even to a healthy one.

 

I am a very committed, honest, faithful person. If I found my partner snooping, while they would not FIND anything as there is nothing to FIND, I would feel untrusted, betrayed and question their feelings of ME.

[babycristy456]

YOu seriously need to remind him his commitment to you. It hard for you to tell him to choose between you and her, but obviously her husband has a problem as well. I think this is plain out ridiculous that you let this go on.

 

If he chooses to ignore your request, then maybe your husband is in love with his friend. And has been all along. That is no way for him to act in your marrriage.

 

I say you contact the girl yourself and set your foot down. Forget your husband. This girl is upetting your values and your marriage. On top of that, contact her husband and let him know how inappropriate this "friendship" is.

 

If your husband refuses to keep this friendship a little more spacey, then that sucks for you...Honestly, friendship is one thing, but telling someone that "you think of them when you are laying down," and "I love you" etc... What the heck, he is married to you.

 

Woman! Grow some balls! Im not talking marbles, Im talking big bowling Ball! Allow yourself to be respected in your own marriage!

[violet532]

Your husband is an a**. His act of brushing you off when you try to express how this makes you feel is an act of abandoning you and your needs as his wife...the woman he made a commitment to. Do not let him make light of this.

Any close friendship that a faithful spouse has with a member of the opposite sex should not be private for long. If everything is above board, all four of you should be close friends with absolutely no exclusion going on. Cleary her husband is having uncomfortable feelings about this too, and those feelings should be respected as should yours.

[TiredMan]

Your husband is an a**. His act of brushing you off when you try to express how this makes you feel is an act of abandoning you and your needs as his wife...the woman he made a commitment to. Do not let him make light of this.

Any close friendship that a faithful spouse has with a member of the opposite sex should not be private for long. If everything is above board, all four of you should be close friends with absolutely no exclusion going on. Cleary her husband is having uncomfortable feelings about this too, and those feelings should be respected as should yours.

 

I completely disagree with that. Saying "you should all be close friends". Ok lets say her and his friend then don't get along at all. Should he then drop her? No way! His friends are his friends. They were there before and might have to be there after.

[Vanilla]

if he was just talking to a friend every now and then- thats fine- but dont you all think there's a little something weird here?

 

I would flip if my partner was telling another woman he dreams about her and that eh loves her.

 

If there was not a child involved I would tell you to just LEAVE him because he obviously doesnt care how you feel.

 

I dont know you can stand it. You must really love this man....

[violet532]

An opposite-sex friendship when you are married should be wide open not private. Nothing to hide, so what's the problem? In no way should a wife (or husband) feel on the outside of a spouse's friendship with another. That is the opposite of what marriage is about. This guy is not being a husband. He's some guy with a wife....at least that's the way it seems. The female friend shouldn't mind at all in genuinely becoming friends with the wife...after all, it's her good friend's wife and she should be supportive of their marriage being a happy one.

[SLMitchell918]

Okay, considering my situation, I look at a male/girl friendship that speaks of love as something totally wrong. When it seems like he is spending more time talking to her than communicating with you then things are going downhill. It seems more like emotional cheating to me and sometimes that is harder than someone just having sex because sex is just a piece but emotional cheating has feelings behind it which can destroy lifes. Ask him how he truly feels about her. Let him know that he married you and that you should always be his NUMBER 1 friend. Snooping isn't "good" but you do have the right to know since you are together. You have the right to wonder. If he isn't willing to show it to you then it is something he is hiding. You deserve to be treated better and you dont deserve to feel like your man has another woman in his life. It should be either you or her. Maybe if it was truly "friends" it might be a LITTLE different but apparently her being married and him being married doesnt really mean much to either of them. So you have some soul searching to do and you also need to talk to that husband of yours and let him know how you truly feel. I believe you have the right to be upset. I wish you the best of luck dear.

[BillyJean714]

Violet, I think it's safe to say, if the person who you're going to marry or are married to, can't seem to respect the fact that your opinion counts too, then they don't deserve to stay in the marriage.

 

ANYONE who seflishly says, "Well, if they can't handle it, then I can't be with them" WITHOUT considering the feelings of the person they married is foolish and immature. Of course a marriage with a person like that wouldn't last, because they're too much of a child to consider anyone else's feelings, BUT themselves.

[violet532]

BillyJean, are you saying that the wife's position in this case is the immature and selfish one, or the husband? (I'm not clear on what your replay meant)

[TanMom]

Honey,

these are the first signs of adultery, he should be putting your feelings first above his so called friend. My ex dated our entire marriage, don't ignore this, he can't be trusted. Watch "When Harry met Sally" men and women, especially when they are married, can't be just friends without it taking something away from the marriage......be careful....wish some one had told me

[TanMom]

one more thing, get a voice activated tape recorder........it saved me, and I found out "THE TRUTH"

[TiredMan]

Just because your husband did this, you are assuming men cheat like that. Women cheat like that too. Why be with anyone or be married if you have to get tape recorders and stuff?

 

Might as well just stay alone if you are gonna do all that.

[TanMom]

TIREDMAN---but she isn't alone, and he is being dishonest, I am only trying to protect her, the truth may be nothing, or something big to deal with...no, "people"' both men and women with integrity don't cheat..........what could a recorder hurt, but for her to learn what is saying to this woman........she deserves the right to a choice with clear options.................just a woman looking out for my fellow friends

[BillyJean714]

No Violet, I'm in complete agreement with you. Any person who says, "screw my spouse" is completely selfish and DOESN'T deserve to be married, period. Anyone who says that should stay single. When it comes to marriage, people should realize it's "We", "Us", instead of "Me" then "You". I just think that anyone who goes into a marriage thinking selfishly like that is childish and needs to grow up.

[TiredMan]

TIREDMAN---but she isn't alone, and he is being dishonest, I am only trying to protect her, the truth may be nothing, or something big to deal with...no, "people"' both men and women with integrity don't cheat..........what could a recorder hurt, but for her to learn what is saying to this woman........she deserves the right to a choice with clear options.................just a woman looking out for my fellow friends

 

Believe me, I am the first person who says cheating is wrong no matter what. But a marriage where you are snooping and or using a tape recorder at any time is NOT a good marriage. Any good relationship revolves trust. If you think someone is cheating, you confront them like an adult (in a non hostile way) and get to the bottom of it. Important part is the NON HOSTILE way. You seem to get better results that way. And if there are all these clues that you seem to have and it seems that the person IS cheating, you talk about them with him. Or you decide not to stay. If you end up snooping, well then that means you don't trust their word or them and you shouldn't be together.

 

Let's say someone does snoop and/or tapes stuff and they turn out to be wrong? Should they tell the person what they did? If I wasn't doing anything and found out someone trusted me so little as to do that, I would want out of the marriage.

[Rabican]

 

Sometimes thats what is needed though man. One person wants to be in the marriage because they love the other, and that relationship is what they really want.. love, the whole fairy tale happiness thing and all that.

 

Yet the other person wants to fool around with their 'friend' behind their spouses back. Or they just act shady enough that it looks like something is going on, even though it might just be a close friendship.

 

Either way, sometimes you just have to know what is going on. In a perfect world this would never happen in a relationship.... everything would just be cool, and there wouldnt be problems like this that need to be figured out, secrets unlocked etc. etc. but what do you do when you enter a relationship, and for years all is good.... and then it goes bad. Do you throw it all away not knowing exactly what is going on? or do you grab a tape recorder and find out what is REALLY happening?

[Rabican]

Of course it's wrong! Not only is it a violation of privacy of the person being snooped on, it's also self-defeating for the person doing the snooping.

 

If you feel the need to snoop on your partner, you should reevaluate whether that's the person you should be in a relationship with. If you cannot trust your partner (and if you need to snoop, by definition, you are not comfortable trusting), you need to ask yourself whether you want to stay in that relationship ... not further undermine your ability to develop trust by engaging in ever more intricate methods of snooping.

 

Ok let me clarify my position on snooping.. I dont think its right, or good to snoop just for the sake of doing so. I wouldnt ever snoop just for no reason, just to see what I might find. But if your SO is throwing red flags, and giving you a reason to.... then by all means, I think you have every right to look into things. You are protecting yourself.... which I think needs to come before someones right to 'privacy' I think when you are in a committed relationship.... then some things dont need to be kept private... that is to say... there shouldnt be anything to find if someone does 'snoop'

Sometimes people arent honest. If they were, we would never need to snoop, but you may ask your SO whats going on, and they look you in the eye and say nothing is amiss.... only for you to find out later that everything is a big sham.

 

Scenario:

I used my then fiance's phone one day, and I thought it would be cute to text message her phone with a little I love you message, so that she would see it the next time she used her phone. Well, when I was trying to figure out how to text her (first time i had tried to use her phone this way) I saw some messages back and forth to some of her guy friends. They werent entirely a smoking gun, but they did look rather shady. I asked her about it, and she said it was nothing... so I bought it. A few weeks later I get on the computer one day and find a chat log of her telling some guy..... lets just say it wasnt very appropriate... not by a long shot. The kind of stuff that belongs in a porno movie, a phone sex hotline, or reserved for your SO... not something you should be saying to a 'friend'

I asked her about this, and told her how it made me feel, and again was assured it wouldnt continue, that she was just joking etc. It continued, and had I not snooped a little bit, I might not have been any wiser to it for who knows how long.