I am not sure where to go with this....

[DazzlingEyes]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 3 months. When I first met him he told me that his daughter and eldest son lives with him. His daughter is 6yrs old and son is 19. My BF never gave me his address or home telephone # because of his daughter's mother. His daughter's mother has easy access to his home, and is allowed to answer his phone (I guess). He doesnt want to disturb the peace that he has with his daughters mom. He is afraid that if she knows he is involved with someone else, she will threaten him to take him to court for child support. He is already paying child support for his middle child whom resides with his mother. Yes my BF has 3 children. Even though his daughter lives with him for now, there is no court action involved. And he wants to avoid it. He told me that when her mother gets her finances together the daughter will reside with her, and the situation will get better. Who knows when that will happen. Well my BF works at night, so his daughters mom watches her and puts her on the school bus in the morning. So I am assuming she must be at his house every day. He said that she has her own place, but I cant imagine how often would she be there. I only see him every other week which is on a Saturday. He comes to my house after work on Friday, but he only stays until the afternoon. He nevers spend the night. I also live 2.5 hrs away from him. He is also building his own business, so he is quite busy with that also. We do talk on the phone everyday. I talk with him when he is on his way to work, and sometimes during the day. He says he loves me, but I feel confused and unsure. I am not sure if I should wait around to see what happens or move on. I do love him, but I dont want to get hurt. I trust him, but I am not getting reassurance from him especially because he doesn't even spend the night with me. All that we do in our "relationship" is that he comes over Sat morning and we have sex, thats it. He said he is the kind of person that just likes to stay home.

[RayKay]

Um....sweetie.....it sounds like he is um...not really split up with his wife at all. In fact, I would say she has no idea that he thinks they are divorced/split. And if they truly ARE...then I would say they have something going on...or this is really NOT a very healthy relationship for you..honestly, what do you get out of this other than sex once a week?

 

 

If a girl friend told you all of what you just wrote above, what would you say to her?

 

The fact you don't have his address/home phone, that she "stays there" all the time, that he only sees you Friday afternoon and every other Saturday morning (lucky you... wonder if he tells his "ex" wife he is going to play football with the boys or something )...it sounds all VERY odd.

 

I am sure you can contact the local courts or what have you to find out if they have ever actually gotten divorced...it would be public record, I am just not sure what the process is for finding out in your area.

[Beec]

Your fears are understandable. He could quite possibly still be married or have a sexual relationship with his wife or ex-wife, whatever the case maybe, and having an affair with you.

 

One the other hand, he could be telling you the truth.

 

What you need to do, as I see it, is tell him he needs to get you some assurances. Tell him it is all up to him. But right now, there is no way for you to know, and he needs to figure out how to let you know. This puts the ball in his court. If he cannot figure out how to do it, then you should be skeptical. He should be able to find a copy of his divorce papers.

[DazzlingEyes]

My BF was never married to his daughters mom. I do need some assurances though. I just don't know what to ask for. I wanted him to spend the night when he comes over. That would be a start. Its funny because I have dealt with guys that lie. I just feel like he is telling the truth, but again I dont really know. All I have is his cell phone #. He had already met my mom and stepdad, and a few of her friends. He had went to my moms house for a cookout we were having. In my mind I was thinking that may be he is being authentic. I feel like when guys are "players" they dont usually like to meet the girls parents. What do you think?

[shes2smart]

Married or not (and I'd be mighty suspicious that he IS married from what you've said), relationships take time and effort to build and maintain. For whatever reasons (married, building a business, work or something else) he doesn't have that kinda time and he's not choosing to make that kinda time. He's got enough time to come around once or twice a week and have sex with you.

 

If you're ok with that, no problem. (...and if that was truly the case, you wouldn't be posting here...you'd be happily living your life as it is.) If you want something more than the that type of relationship, you're better off to find someone who doesn't have the amount of other obligations, complications and baggage this guy has.

[DazzlingEyes]

Well one thing he that he told me on different occasions is that he hasn't been sexually involved with his daughters mom for 3 and a half years.

[shes2smart]

Whether or not he's currently having a sexual relationship with his daughter's mom doesn't eliminate or lessen all the other red flags you've presented.

 

You have been seeing this man for 3 months, yet you don't know where he lives, you don't have a home # for him, and he only spends very limited time with you when it's convenient for him. Doesn't any of that concern you?

 

After 3 months, I would think you would know a little more about someone you are having an intimate relationship with. It almost seems like you are purposely keeping your eyes closed so you won't see something you don't want to see.

 

He is afraid that if she knows he is involved with someone else, she will threaten him to take him to court for child support.

 

This statement from your first post is cause for concern...what, exactly, is he trying to avoid....paying child support? paying a lawyer to represent him? going to court and having other financial issues in his life discovered? If he fathered that child, he has a responsibility, so what's the problem with having it outlined by the court and getting the baby's momma off his back?

 

This guy has not been forthcoming with you on A LOT of issues.

[DazzlingEyes]

True. You make a lot of sense. He said he wants to avoid paying child support dictated by the courts. His daughter is living with him now, so he does take care of his responsibility. He makes a very good income, and he said his child support payment would be $1500 a month. He doesn't want to be obligated to that. Whats funny is that this is all specualtion. No one said to him that if he has a girlfriend, Im taking you to court. He saying that women can be vindictive and using the daughter would be her only weapon.

 

About where he lives, I actually do know where he lives, but only because I investigated. I am a real estate broker and appraiser so it was easy to obtain his address. But yes the fact is HE never gave me his address.

[RayKay]

A lot of people will also tell the people they are having an affair with "they no longer sleep with their wife/hubby" - while in some cases this may be true, it more often seems they are indeed still sleeping with their partner..sometimes even more so to assuage the guilt.

 

I just don't think that in itself is evidence enough.

 

In any case, there are still MANY odd red flags here.

 

While we are all prone to imagine more then might be the case, I would say if you FEEL in your gut and your instinct something is wrong (as I do!) then you are right to follow it.

[DazzlingEyes]

True, but he swore on his daughters life twice already that he does not sleep with his daughters mom. I do believe him, and I trust him. This is just a tough situation.