It's been 2 months... no resolution?

[gattsuga]

Hey all, I wrote a few weeks ago about me and my ex. Basically, we broke up a couple months ago... and it was totally my fault for pushing her away and never spending enough time with her, or treating her the way she deserved. In short, I took her for granted, and was a total jerk. It's strange how much your feelings can change after you totally lose someone. I've never been so in love with anyone in my whole life, and she loved me wholeheartedely too while we were together. I guess the situation is reversed now, with me loving her with all my heart, but she's really unsure and doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. To make things a little more complicated, her best friend (for 2 years i think) confessed how he felt to her... and she has a lot of mixed feelings for him. She says that sometimes she feels more connected to him, and that she and I can't communicate that well sometimes. I know feelings can change and all, but she always told me she felt nothing for this guy except feelings of sisterly love or friendship. She's told me in the last month or so that she still loves me, but has feelings for him too... and she doesn't want to make any decisions, or choose one of us, cuz she doesn't want to lose one of us.

 

I really love this girl, and I want nothing more than for her to be happy (hopefully with me but should I say something about how she doesn't want to make a decision? She's leaving both of us hanging, and I feel that is really unfair for us two guys... waiting and hoping for her answer. Last week, when she was going to make a choice, she was so stressed out, and just wanted to choose no one at all. This week she seems to be much happier cuz she decided she didn't need to make any decisions. I don't want to make her unhappy again by asking her to make a decision...... but i just feel this will just get much worse the longer it drags on... whoever she decides, the guy she doesn't choose would just be so much more hurt by this right?

 

what should I do? should I ask her to make a decision? i don't want to give her an ultimatum... cuz that's just really unfair i think. I'm just worried that she will take another 2 months... or maybe a year to make a decision...

[Jut]

Your life is based on decisions you make not what others decide. If you want to ask her to make a decision do so, if you think you'll be fine with her seeing the other guy along with you then accept it.

 

My personal suggestion, pull away for a while. Let her do what she wants and let her come to you in case she really likes you. Personal experience tells me she is confused and pushing her(even being with her) would oush her away further,.

[heloladies21]

You seem pretty concerned about what she wants, but let me ask you this. What about what you want? Don't you think you deserve to be with someone who's 100% into you and not splitting her affection with some other guy? Everyone deserves to be with someone who makes them happy.

 

And you don't have to blame yourself anymore, the break up wasn't your fault. You weren't that bad or else she wouldn't have stayed with you for so long. Sometimes it's unrelated how you treat them ie. girls who stay with abusive boyfriends. Those girls get really mistreated, but keep coming back for more. She just lost interest and can't explain the reason why.

 

As long as you're willing to put up with her indecision, she's going to keep you both in limbo. Why would she choose? To make 1 of you feel better and the other guy worse? This won't resolve until you make a decision about what you want.

 

If you wanna do what's best, back way off and make yourself scarce. Stop calling, stop acting like her boyfriend, and let her think things over. Let her come back to you. If she really cares about you, all her feelings of "you are the love of my life" will come back to her. In the meantime, start talking to other girls and take care of yourself.

 

But if you feel like you are not strong enough to do this, do as you feel. Call her when you feel like, meet up when you want to and tell her how you feel about wanting to get back together as often as you want. It won't bring her back, but you will get fed up with everything and decide to start moving on anyways.

[gattsuga]

Yeah, I really think it's time for me to make myself less available to her. Sometimes she calls me up and asks me to pick her up from university, and study together... and i absolutely love doing that with her... but i guess it's time to put my foot down and start looking out for myself too. It's hard to avoid her though since we have the same friends, same church, and we're even taking some dance classes together... what should i do? i don't want to start negelecting my friends or not go to church, cuz those are very important for me too. It's really hard to us to not have contact since we pretty much go to the same places all the time.

 

I need to give us space, but how can I do that? Should I tell her that we need some space and I need to start taking care of myself? or should i just stop contact and wait for her to come to me? And if she asks me for rides again... should I just tell her no?? that sounds really rude and she might misunderstand that. I don't want her to think I've lost interest and gave up on our relationship. How can I do this in a nice way without hurting her?

[Scout]

Your best chance for getting her back is going to mean you have to disappear for a while. But if you really, really want to win her back, it's probably what you're going to have to do.

 

The fact is, no matter how good a person is, we all have pretty predictable traits, and wanting someone more when they're not available is one of them. You can attest to that yourself, as you now realize how much you love this girl when she isn't really your's anymore.

 

So here's what I would do if I were you: tell her that you can see this is an agonizing decision for her. You want to make it easy for her, because you've been doing some thinking on your own. You realize you pushed her away and that is mainly why your relationship unraveled. Because you ultimately care about her happiness, you think she should give her friend a chance after all. Wish her well, and tell her she can always count on you as a friend.

 

And leave it at that! DON'T tell her you'll always love her, by the way, use the phrase "care about her." Let it appear that you're moving on, do NOT call her, go into NC mode. I can guarantee she'll eventually start missing you and send you an exploratory email or call. It may be days later, it may be weeks, or even a month or longer. But it will happen. And when that does happen, don't answer it until you've come back to eNotalone for our advice on how to proceed. This is a tricky process, my friend, but your situation actually has more hope than you might see right now.

[heloladies21]

If you two see each other, let her come up to you, give her a few minutes of conversation, and then excuse yourself to talk to other people.

 

Don't announce what you're doing, just do it. If she calls for rides, don't pick up. Don't return her calls. It's not rude, you 2 aren't in a relationship anymore and she needs to understand that. Only then will she be able to decide if she misses it enough to try again or let go. She has to think you're losing interest. You should be losing interest!

 

And you're not hurting her, you're not doing anything wrong. She broke up with you so this is all her doing and you don't owe her anything.

[gattsuga]

Thanks for the post all! I do see a faint light of hope... and although it is so incredibly difficult to let her go... i know i have to. How can i do NC without letting her feel like i'm not that into her anymore... a reason for our breakup in the past was because she didn't feel like i really loved her (me taking her for granted). i don't want her to believe that's true. I know i want to be with her, not because I miss her, but because I see her as my other half. I don't want her to feel that all the bad memories of me treating her poorly to come back to haunt her.

 

She kissed me last night after i hugged her saying, "here's a lil bonus". that got me really confused, and i asked her not to unless she and i were back together.... although i really want to smother her with my kisses...

 

i want her to know that my feelings are genuine and that i really choose to love her. i don't want her to feel neglected or put aside anymore.

 

As for humans having the same kind of trends and habits... i don't know if she would come back simply b/c she missed me. She's a really strong girl, and her faith is phenominal... and i don't think she would so easily give in to her feelings if she was only missing me...

[heloladies21]

I don't think you're ready for No Contact yet. You're still too into her. Don't hold back. Do whatever you think it's going to take to win her back. It won't work, this i'm sure 100%, but doing anything else and you'd be torturing yourself.

[biacd]

pretty predictable traits, and wanting someone more when they're not available is one of them. You can attest to that yourself, as you now realize how much you love this girl when she isn't really your's anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i don't get this part. i understand that part where u say "u realize how much u love this girl when she isn't really yours anymore", but she dumped us, she didn't want us. She chose not to be with us anymore, so why would she even bother?

[gattsuga]

So we had a talk last night in my car. and she told me that she doesn't think this will work out. of course i was devastated... she doesn't think we can relate to each other very well.. and there's too much painful memories in our past. i suggested after that we don't see each other for awhile... just to help us both move on. she tells me she still loves me, and she loves talking to me (which is really weird for her to say since she says we don't communicate very well).... but she doesn't think she can be with me.

 

so after i suggested NC, she gets much sadder, and starts to cry... she loves me so much, but she doesn't think it'll work... i couldn't bear to see her crying so much... so i said i'd hold off NC until after her midterms are done... and we'll talk more after. she seemed to like that better. And I know I should be doing NC so she would start to miss me and rethink her decision... but her midterms are very important right now... and no matter how much i want to start NC.. i think her happiness is much more important, and her focusing on her midterms takes priority.

 

in fact, since i know that things will be over soon... i think i'm just gonna do as many nice things for her as i can... before i can't do them anymore. if and when she wants to end things between us, at least i can say i tried my best, and didn't go down without a fight.

 

i plan to go to the university after work today and give her some cookies, cinnaman buns, and tea just to give her a nice break. what else do u think would be nice if u were cramming for midterms? maybe a lil stuffed animal ?

[gattsuga]

So things pretty much went outta control on Sunday. She was talking to the other guy, and he told her he's gonna back off until she can figure out her feelings for me. (notice how she didn't take any steps on her own). The guy is obviously just as frustrated as I am. So she tells me this on sunday night, and says "i need to know if I can move on or not".... it sounds like she's thinking of moving on.. and just doesn't want to let go.

 

SIGH

 

well i got pretty upset by that, and let all my feelings out. Asking her to make a decision, cuz she's putting me thru hell everynight. I asked her to give me something... just a little hope.. but she couldn't give me any.. she thought what she said was hope enough. so i gave her back the ring she gave me sunday night. before we ended things, i wanted to talk a bit more, so she invited me into her room. And I could see lots of gifts from this other guy!! His CD in her cd player... still on pause. and she wanted to have a nice conversation, with me in her room filled with his stuff. i just wanted to cry. i left in anger. later i called and apologized for getting so pissed off, and i wanted to end it in a good note. she agreed.

 

so this week has been pretty rough, she still gives me hope that she wants me to pick her up from school and likes talking to me still. (yeah i know i shouldn't, but it was 11pm, and she needed a ride).

 

so now, i have to decide whether or not i want to keep this going, or just end it this weekend and move on.

[coooolsome]

END IT!!! With you being there, she doesnt have to make a decision. She has you and the other guy. Why should she make a decision when she has the best of both worlds. GO NC to preserve your sanity and to heal yourself. Plus then with you not there, she will be forced to make a decision. Either you or him. Remember though, that it might not you.

[gattsuga]

So I finally told her how I felt, and told her I had to start living my life again and stop waiting around. I started NC since last night, and oh my god it is killing me. i feel like i'm going to crack at any moment... the pain won't go away, this feeling in the pit of my stomach is burning... i'm so worried that by doing NC she's going to drift away even further.

 

We had a really great talk last night, about where she's at and how she's feeling. She is still very confused... and she tells me she still loves me, but she doesn't know if we are the best for each other. She feels that she needs more time to clear her mind, and just get everything back together.. she wants to focus on schooling, and her faith right now... i asked her if she thinks we could get back together, and she says yeah. she loves me, but she likes the other guy only.. no loving feelings. she wants to be with me, but she's scared that things won't work out again... or if we're not totally compatible with each other.

 

so i told her i need to start moving on and meet new people.. (as if.. i'm not gonna be able to get into another relationship for awhile)... she was really hurt by this, but accepted my decision. she feels i'm not being patient enough... cuz for her 2 months isn't that long (and yeah, when u're in school... 2 months is pretty fast). but i told her that it's been putting me through hell every night... and the last thing she wants to do is hurt me, so she told me i should move on if that would take away my pain.

 

so we said our goodbyes... had one last dance, kiss, hug, cry... and i drove her home. when i got to her house, the other guy's car was parked outside... i didn't even care about that anymore. i was just so sad that that could've been the last moment we shared with each other as lovers.

 

what now? i'm such a mess right now..

[gattsuga]

man this is tough. it's like losing a part of my soul.... when does this get better??

[AC874]

Do what you feel is best in your soul.

 

sometimes faith and perserverance pay off.. especially when people are younger and are generally more "confused"