this is the letter I am planning to send to ex, need opinion

[renaissancewoman101]

This is the letter I am planning to send to ex

 

Dear ,

 

I hope things are going well for you and that life is treating you well. I wanted to write you this letter to explain some things to you about why I had been treating you the way I was for the last few months. Sometimes, the only way I can open up is by writing a letter. It helps me to put down my thoughts on paper.

 

I do miss you a lot. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. You mean a lot to me and I still love you very much. I should have said "I love you" more to you this summer. I do understand why you broke up with me even though it is very painful for me. I know I treated you badly these last few months, when all you wanted to do was be there for me. I was so preoccupied with my own self and my own problems that I failed to see that you were trying to be there for me and wanted me to share my problems with you so that you could share in them with me. Instead, I pushed you away, ignored you, and treated you badly. I am so sorry I did that. I did not respect your feelings at all. You did so much for me this year and I did so little for you in return. That was so wrong of me. I also took you for granted and thought you would always be there. I guess the phrase "you never know what you had until it is gone" is very appropriate. I did not come to appreciate your personality and your love for me until you were gone. In a way, I believe my treatment of you caused you to lose your feelings for me. Now I miss you like hell and I regret what I did. I wish I had taken the time to open up to you about my own demons that were plaguing me, the problems that were weighing heavily on me, and let you in on some of the things that were bothering me. I was afraid to let you in on my life because I didn't want to burden you and have you think I was weak or not in control of things. I wanted to make life happy for you, but in my preoccupation with my own life, I ignored you and pushed you away.

 

I never wanted to put you on the back burner. You are one of the best things to ever happen to me in my life. I just have a problem trusting people. Part of that comes from being burned in the past. I am afraid of being a burden to people so I tend to shut people out when I have problems in my life, and try to deal with them myself. I also tend to isolate myself when I feel that life is overwhelming me. The last six months of our relationship, I felt so overwhelmed by my life's problems (my grandma's death, the abortion, the death of my guinea pigs, my problems with my parents, my money situation, the impending departure of my friends, etc) that I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I wanted so much to turn to you and let you in but I was afraid that you would leave me if you knew how unhappy and confusing my life was. You are one of the first people in my life who has actually taken an interest in my problems and being there for me, and that was so new to me. It scared me because not many people take the time to listen and be there for me. Most people expect me to be there for them.Yet, I did not take the time to appreciate that or the uniqueness of your life. I am so very sorry about that. All you did was try to be there for me. I wish I could have opened up to you. I was just so afraid of getting hurt. I have a hard time dealing with people who get close to me. I have had people get close to me and hurt me terribly. I fell in love with you over a year ago and I still love you a lot. Maybe that is why the memory of you still haunts me and makes me regret terribly what I have done to you. My feelings are still there for you and I wish could reawaken them in you. I love you a lot and I miss you so much.

 

 

I know I should have taken the time to play computer games with you, share in stuff with you, hang out with you, etc. I was wrong in not doing that. You did all you could to be there for me and hang out with me doing the stuff I liked. I wasn't being fair to you and I am so sorry about that. I do like the stuff you do, I really do. I also enjoy Bristol a lot, but this year, I shut myself from everything, including you, because I felt that my problems were overwhelming me, driving me to distraction, to an inner torment that no one can understand but myself. I felt as though there were no solutions to my problems and there was no end in sight. I was so overwhelmed. I felt so beaten down and so unhappy that I just wanted to give up, curl up, and die. I felt there was no hope to my life, so I shut everybody out. I hung out a lot by myself during the times that I did not see you. I did not spend a lot of time with T either. I just isolated myself, praying and hoping that my problems would go away and that my life would get better. I should have taken the time to appreciate that you were willing to be by me and to help me in my life. All I had to do was ask, but I was a fool and decided to try and conquer life alone.

 

In these last few weeks that I haven't seen you, I have missed you terribly. I feel so much remorse for doing you wrong. I hope you can forgive me. You were so good to me yet I pushed you away. I was so wrong for doing that and I regret it, for now I know what I have lost. I cannot get you out of my mind. You haunt my dreams, my thoughts, my emotions. I would do anything for another chance at our relationship, for I now know what I did wrong. You were always there for me and I shut myself away from you. I wish you could find it in your heart to forgive me and give me another chance. I can do you good, and I want to do good for you. That is why I let you keep the cell phone for the time being. I wanted to make life a bit more convenient for you and a cell phone helps you keep in touch with people. I want so much to be there for you and to walk down the path of life, hand in hand. I want to take care of you, like the way you tried to take care of me, share in the stuff you like and enjoy, and support you in the times that you fall or falter.

 

Your breakup with me has caused me to re-evaluate my life. That is a good thing for I have come to the conclusion that I can live my life without T or D. They are moving to LA at the end of the month and I am not going with them. I am also dissolving my contract with D at the end of the month. I have gotten a lawyer and am working out a settlement with D so that I do get some money from this whole thing. I want out with them for now I know how much they have poisoned my life. I am staying here for the time being so that I can get my life together. I have also went and reached out to some people on Guinea Lynx. Just this past weekend, I was involved in a guinea pig rescue event and I met a lot of new people and made some new friends. Next weekend I will be gone at another guinea pig event with these people. I am moving on with my life, but I still feel empty and wish that I could move on with you. You still mean the world to me, and will always hold a special place in my heart.

[Myrddin]

In my experience these letters achieve nothing except push ex's further away - and leave the sender more hurt than ever when the response is not what was expected.

 

How long have you been apart? Has there been any contact at all?

[cinderella jones]

I think it's a great letter and if anything it shows her that you are big person to reveal to her your faults and your weaknesses. Just saying I am sorry takes a lot of guts so this letter at least shows her that you do acknowledge her and that you aware of the hurt you caused her. I believe if anything she will at least be happy that you are attempting to exlain things to her even if it may be too late...but just be aware of that ...that although you are explaining things to her ..that is all it may be..but i do believe that it's a great letter and she deserves to read it. You are a big person for making this attempt!

[Bethany]

I agree with Myrddin. Don't do it. He will know you haven't moved on at all and this is a mistake. If you want to prove to him that you have moved on, don't send it.

Why write a letter to someone who has dumped you? Who cares what he thinks anymore? He certainly isn't thinking about you. He may even send back you letter and you will feel even more rejected that you do now. Could you cope with that?

I know its hard but this phase will pass, and it shows from the length of your leter that you still having feelings for him and he is on your mind but don't let him know this. The ony thing he should know about you now is that your happier than ever and have a new boyfriend.

[L8RISER]

Sit on it. Wait a few months and if you still feel like sending it, then send it. I think chances are you'll change your mind - it just won't seem so important anymore. I've got more than a few letters that were never sent.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am sending the letter hoping to get a second chance at a relationship. I address what I did wrong to him, and am asking his forgiveness. I also want a second chance at this.

[SimoneTiger]

renwoman,

 

I think this is not a good idea. From what I understand from your letter, your relationship with your ex must have been pretty horrible for him... You don't mention one good thing about it. You have to consider that your ex might see the same in what you wrote... He'll read the letter and think, "I did have my doubts about breaking up with you, but now that you reminded me how miserable I felt in that relationship, I know I made the right decision. Damn, I'm *#%@ing glad to be rid of you."

 

Put yourself in his position: nothing, not a single sentence in that letter will make him think that you are a great, sweet, independent person worthy of being loved by him. Just a different perspective...

 

My suggestion is to learn from your mistakes, forget about him, and move on.

[novaseeker]

I'm going to take a slightly different tack.

 

If you really want to get him back, that's your decision. I think in other threads you had expressed your doubts and frustrations about this guy, your compatibility with some of his characteristics and pasttimes, and so you really have to ask yourself why you want him back so much ... I think you owe that to yourself ... is it him you miss, or is it being close to someone that you miss. You need to figure that out.

 

If you still decide that you would like him specifically back, then you need to think about the best way to go about it. Sending a letter like this is cathartic and puts a lot on the table, but is it the best way to rekindle an interest in him? Only you know the answer to that, because you know him better than we all do. What would he best respond to? The kinds of things in your letter, or something else?

 

I wish you the best.

[renaissancewoman101]

Myrddin, we have been apart for about a month. Last time I saw him was two weeks ago at a Ren Faire event. These last few months, I pushed him away because I lost my feelings for him. I realize now after the breakup how good he was to me. He is a very emotional and understanding guy. He has had many girls dump him. Most girls dump him. I am the only one that he has ever dumped. As for referring to T and D, my ex did not like my friendship with them, and I am telling him that I am letting them go. My ex was always jealous of them. The last time I saw my ex, I told them that I was planning to sever my ties with T&D and end the agreement I had with the both of them. When my ex heard that, he was like "why didnt I tell him that I was planning to do that earlier in the summer!!" From the way he said it, it seemed as though if he had knew I was planning to end my ties to the both of them, he might not have broken up with me.

 

Simone Tiger, I am trying to acknowledge what I did wrong in the relationship and telling him that if he gives it another try, it wont happen again.

 

Novaseeker, yes sending this letter is cathartic. I want to tell him how I feel. I also want another chance. I am emphasizing that my two friends who had great influence on me, and whom he did not like because he thought I had stronger feelings for T (who is also an ex of mines, but he is gay) than for him, are leaving. My ex thinks my relationship with my two friends had a great deal in destroying our own relationship. I also do not know how else to approach trying to get him back. His main complaints are that I dont do the stuff he likes, I wont open up to him, and I am so reliant on my two friends T&D, that I even put them first before him.

 

I dont know how else to go about trying to get him back. He wants someone to share in the stuff he likes and hang out with his friends. In order to show him that I am willing, there has to be the opportunity for it. That is why I am writing this letter.

 

Novaseeker, how would you go about it??? My ex is a mamma's boy who loves to live his life in the teenage world. He is very smart but he acts like a punk and adults dont always take him seriously.

[kellbell]

I wouldn't send it. I would keep it for you own sake, for your own therapy. When times are tough or you feel yourself slipping backwards, read it. In my experience letters like those don't do any good and pushes the ex further away because it makes the person recieving the letter feel more guilt. I mean you can do what you want or what you feel you should do, but from someone on the outside, I wouldn't send it. I wish you the best and take care.

[novaseeker]

 

I dont know how else to go about trying to get him back. He wants someone to share in the stuff he likes and hang out with his friends. In order to show him that I am willing, there has to be the opportunity for it. That is why I am writing this letter.

 

Okay. But do you like to do the stuff he likes to do? Are you going to enjoy playing video games and hanging around with the boys talking about Battlefield 2 (for example) as they smoke and drink? I'm not knocking that, I play video games myself, but my point is that you ought not force yourself to do things you don't like to do for the sake of being with him, imo. He's unlikely to change ... it seems he would rather dump you than change. But can you really be happy with that, or is your idea to change him?

 

Novaseeker, how would you go about it??? My ex is a mamma's boy who loves to live his life in the teenage world. He is very smart but he acts like a punk and adults dont always take him seriously.

 

I know the type, in some ways.

 

I guess if you want to tell him these things in my view it would be best to do it in person. The letter was a good exercise in terms of organizing how you feel and what you want to say, but there's no substitute for the look on someone's face --- your own face -- when you say those kinds of things. It's much harder to do it in person, but I also think it's much more effective.

[djedix]

sending this email will set you back.

 

you're going to create some false sense of hope that he is going to get it and come runing back into your life.

 

i poured out my heart and soul out in an email... found out later she just deleted it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Novaseeker, his main complaints lately is that I don't do anything he likes and that I don't spend any time with him anymore. This whole summer as well as a few months before that, I was going through a lot of turmoil in my life. I tend to try and deal with problems myself and not involve others. As a result, I pulled away from him, shoved him off on his friends, and spent very little time with him. He got scared by that and chased me hard. I had also lost my feelings for him and that scared me a lot.

 

The weird thing is last year, almost to the same week and month, my ex took a week break from me because he said he lost his feelings for me. At that time, he said I was too clingy to him, to smothering, and that he could not handle my attachment to my two friends.

 

As for liking the stuff he does, I dont like a lot of the stuff he does. He likes to play computer games a lot. I suck at them and feel stupid when I play them. He also likes to do LAN parties with his friends. I dont tell him that he cant do that, this year I let him do it as much as he wanted to. I just didnt want to join them, and I think he was hurt by that. He does like to go see movies, which I like too. He also plays Magic the Gathering, which I am ambivalent about. He loves toys, collects and plays with Star Wars stuff, Transformers, etc. He also drinks a lot and smokes. He spends most of his money on that stuff.

 

In our relationship, he has always put me first, and his friends knew that and didnt care. It was just that when I lost my feelings for him and began to resent him, I got scared and ran from him. I was wrong. Sometimes, relationships are not perfect and I have to accept that. We all have stuff we want to and dont want to do in a relationship. In order to make a relationship work, there has to be sacrifices made on both side. He mad the sacrifices this year. I DIDNT He did a lot of the stuff I wanted him to do, even though it didnt always make him happy, but he did it. No, I am not out to change him. I try to tolerate the way he dresses and the way he acts in public, although at times, it is very trying.

 

His main reason for dumping me is because I pretty much ignored him these last few months and made him feel like I didnt care anymore. From what he told me once, he felt like I had dumped him and moved on, but didnt really "dump" him per se. I know I took him for granted and dumped a lot of crap on him. I should not have done that. I regret that a lot.

 

I am not sure how else to go about this. My ex is afraid to see me, mainly because I flipped out on him about a month ago. I had gone down to hang with him and his buddy. This is about two weeks after we broke up. That night I got drunk and had a nasty fight with the ex. My ex doesnt deal well with people who flip out on him. His last gf of three months, flipped out on him and dumped him w/o reason. I did not mean to get so mad at him that night, but my emotions were high and drinking didnt help it all. After that night, the next time I ran into my ex, he was afraid to talk to me.

 

I also like being in this relationship because his family accepted me so much. HIs mom thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Last year when he took a break from me, I freaked and called his mom. Only reason I had called her was because about two weeks before he took a break from me, his mom took me aside, gave me an expensive gift and told me that they all liked me, was glad I was in my ex's life, and that he loved me a lot. She also told me that she thought I was a good influence in his life, unlike the other losers he had dated in the past (of all his past gfs, I am the only one with a stable job, living on my own, owning a car, driving, and investing my money). My ex's mom liked me a lot. I know she did not want us to break up. THat my ex did confess to me. I ended up writing a letter to his mom about this situation and sent it late last week.

 

I have no idea how to approach him now. The last time I saw him was two weeks ago at a Ren Faire. His first reaction was to freak out that I was there because he thought I came to raise hell in public with him. After he calmed down, he talked to me for about 20 minutes. He was very nervous around me and kept looking away and looking at other women and commenting on them. He told me that he did not know what to do with our relationship, that my actions caused him to lose his feelings for me, and that he didnt want to try again. The only thing that caught his attention was when I told him that I was severing my ties with T&D and that I was going to dissolve my agreement with D. When I said that, he looked at me and said. "why didnt you tell me this earlier in the summer that you were planning to do that????" as if though, if I had told him I was going to do that, he might not have broken up with me. He then said it wouldnt change anything, but his first reaction surprised me.

 

I dont know when I will see him again. If I see him again, I could approach trying to play video games again. The only way I can talk to him or approach him is to drive two hours down to where he lives or where he works. His coworker tells me that he still talks about me at work (not sure if can trust coworker either), but I dont want him to flip out on me about me showing up. He told me that he needed a lot of time and space from me, but that he wasnt dropping me out of his life. He still has my cell phone of which I pay the bill. I let him keep the phone so that he could call people w/o having his parents breathing down his neck for using the home phone.

[Myrddin]

Don't send it! If you want him back you have to sit on your hands and wait for him to make contact. If he wants you he will make contact - believe me please.

If you send that letter you will push him further away and it will hurt like the blazes. It's too soon and your still in that stage were your emotions are ruling your head. Do this for me: put the letter in a drawer for a week. In a week's time read it out loud to yourself and decide then if it's the right thing to send it. But please, give yourself time. I've been where you are now many times, and and I know from experience how that letter will be viewed.

[renaissancewoman101]

My main reason for composing a letter is that a few posters on enotalone suggested to me that it would be a good idea to write him a letter telling him that I am sorry for what I did wrong and that I want to right my wrongs, so as to get a second chance and/or to clear the air.

 

I am not sure what the right thing to do is. I am scared about what to do. If I wait, he will move on and maybe find a new gf (if he hasnt already). I will probably see him again since he still has my cell phone and he still owes me about $1500, which I will have to work out with him how he is gonna pay that back.

[Myrddin]

My main reason for composing a letter is that a few posters on enotalone suggested to me that it would be a good idea to write him a letter telling him that I am sorry for what I did wrong and that I want to right my wrongs, so as to get a second chance and/or to clear the air.

 

I am not sure what the right thing to do is. I am scared about what to do. If I wait, he will move on and maybe find a new gf (if he hasnt already). I will probably see him again since he still has my cell phone and he still owes me about $1500, which I will have to work out with him how he is gonna pay that back.

 

Then write a short note if all you want to say is sorry - there's no rhyme or reason at this point to go into great lengths over why your sorry. If you feel you must write what about just saying: 'I'm sorry' and leave it at that.

 

He'll be intrigued and if he's still interested he will get in touch. Leave the recriminations for later. If he doesn't respond at least you will preserve your dignity.

 

I still think you should resist the urge for a while though - get your thoughts clearer first!

[melrich]

My main reason for composing a letter is that a few posters on enotalone suggested to me that it would be a good idea to write him a letter telling him that I am sorry for what I did wrong and that I want to right my wrongs, so as to get a second chance and/or to clear the air.

 

I agree. Write a shorter note. This letter sounds like you are apologising for breathing. It is too much and you come accross as quite (I don't know what the word is) pleading? grasping?.

 

Cut it down to a couple of short paragraphs and don't feel like you have to apologise about the entire relationship. Reading this he's going to be "God she's right, what did I ever see in her?"

[renaissancewoman101]

Then what is a good letter??? I want to appeal to his emotions and how he felt for me once so that he can maybe give me a chance at a relationship. I did a lot wrong in this whole thing.

 

Want to make things right.

[suprema99]

I agree, the letter is very long and it's all about how you screwed up. 1 month is two quick to go from what you wrote in that letter to how you actually treated him 1 month ago. 1 month isn't that long to put it all out there either like that. I would wait awhile, there's a chance he might still contact you. I would wait another month, and then decide what you want to do.

[Myrddin]

Then what is a good letter??? I want to appeal to his emotions and how he felt for me once so that he can maybe give me a chance at a relationship. I did a lot wrong in this whole thing.

 

Dear......

 

 

I'm sorry!

 

 

 

yours sincerely.

 

 

I once got a letter like that and I was so intrigued I just had to find out what she meant.

[melrich]

LOL...maybe a bit more than that.

 

I can't write it for you but I'd suggest this,

 

Keep it short, couple of paragraphs.

 

Apologise for your behaviour but don't be specific and make just one general apology eg "I'm really sorry for the way I acted and how things went in the last couple of months of our relationship. If I could turn back time I'd have done things very differently."

 

Then say something positive.."but hey, you know most of our relationship was fantastic and that is what I miss so much"

 

Then talk positively about the future .."I hope maybe you and I can work something out between us but even if not I am so looking forward to the rest of my life and what it holds and I just want all happiness for you too."

 

Then finish it.

[biacd]

LOL...maybe a bit more than that.

 

I can't write it for you but I'd suggest this,

 

Keep it short, couple of paragraphs.

 

Apologise for your behaviour but don't be specific and make just one general apology eg "I'm really sorry for the way I acted and how things went in the last couple of months of our relationship. If I could turn back time I'd have done things very differently."

 

Then say something positive.."but hey, you know most of our relationship was fantastic and that is what I miss so much"

 

Then talk positively about the future .."I hope maybe you and I can work something out between us but even if not I am so looking forward to the rest of my life and what it holds and I just want all happiness for you too."

 

Then finish it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

won't it come accross as needy?

[melrich]

won't it come accross as needy?

 

Could do. I probably wouldn't send a letter at all but if OP is determined then I think short with some positive stuff in it is better.

[annie24]

LOL...maybe a bit more than that.

 

I can't write it for you but I'd suggest this,

 

Keep it short, couple of paragraphs.

 

Apologise for your behaviour but don't be specific and make just one general apology eg "I'm really sorry for the way I acted and how things went in the last couple of months of our relationship. If I could turn back time I'd have done things very differently."

 

Then say something positive.."but hey, you know most of our relationship was fantastic and that is what I miss so much"

 

Then talk positively about the future .."I hope maybe you and I can work something out between us but even if not I am so looking forward to the rest of my life and what it holds and I just want all happiness for you too."

 

Then finish it.

 

I think that this is a really good letter. You don't want to point out all your faults, as someone else said. I think it's tactful, sincere, and will get your point accross. It also comes accross like you're not groveling and you'll be ok if things don't work out between you two. It's good.

[biacd]

LOL...maybe a bit more than that.

 

I can't write it for you but I'd suggest this,

 

Keep it short, couple of paragraphs.

 

Apologise for your behaviour but don't be specific and make just one general apology eg "I'm really sorry for the way I acted and how things went in the last couple of months of our relationship. If I could turn back time I'd have done things very differently."

 

Then say something positive.."but hey, you know most of our relationship was fantastic and that is what I miss so much"

 

Then talk positively about the future .."I hope maybe you and I can work something out between us but even if not I am so looking forward to the rest of my life and what it holds and I just want all happiness for you too."

 

Then finish it.

 

I think that this is a really good letter. You don't want to point out all your faults, as someone else said. I think it's tactful, sincere, and will get your point accross. It also comes accross like you're not groveling and you'll be ok if things don't work out between you two. It's good.

 

 

 

 

 

u have a point there, it shows the person that u're not needy, even though u really are lol