Insecurity and doubts

[Marylou]

Dear all,

 

I am new here, so first let me introduce myself. I'm Marylou, 27 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months now. This is not my first relationship, I had a few relationships before, and I must admit that the problem I have not is not completely new to me. My problem is that, from the beginning, I have been very afraid of losing my boyfriend. He is an introverted person and in the beginning of our relationship he found it hard to express his feelings. We didn't really communicate much about our feelings. This made me feel really insecure and I couldn't really hide that so I ended up crying a lot (especially the week before my period, I seem to have extreme pms-moodswings!) It's much better now, we talked a lot about this and he is really trying hard to open up to me more. So far, so good, you would say.

But… the things is, apart from expressing his positive feelings, my bf also started expressing some negative feelings! Which is totally okay, of course, but he also told me that he sometimes has doubts about our relationship. We are very different personalities and he finds that difficult sometimes although he loves me a lot. I think the fact that I am so extraverted and emotional (i.e. I can make a fuss out of nothing, especially when I have pms..) bothers him. Well, you can guess the problem, knowing about his doubts made me even more insecure. He wasn't planning to break up with me at all, because he loves me and wants to make things work, but I sort of told him to make up his mind because I can't live with the insecurity. That is almost 2 weeks ago now, and we haven't talked about it anymore, and things have been generally good between us. But of course I am afraid that he is silently making up his mind to break up with me.

What to do? Should I talk to my bf again or just see how things go? The thought of giving him an ultimatum crossed my mind, but that seems like a stupid idea when generally we are so happy together. The other question I have is how I can control my moodswings, because I feel they are the biggest problem in my relationship..

 

Thanks!

[dreamy333]

ok you cannot talk him dead. he takes it as fussing. you told him how you feel he knows. the more you are needy and clingy the more it pushes him away.. i know how you feel though. espcially during that time of the month im the same way. are you a cancer by chance? but dont fret it. you have doubt too u just dont tell him bc if you didnt have doubts you wouldnt be insecure and its not just bc of him. actions speak louder than words dont pay attention to what he says look at his actions. and calm down. you need some self esteem. so what if he did leave you. there are plenty more out there. hes lucky to have you and if it dont work then destiny is destiny. you spend too much time worrying about it when those aremoments you could enjoy his company. your not ahppy bc you are scared he is leaving and he can pick up ont his. just be ahppy dont worry about what he thinks go with the flow.

[MaxPayne19]

Hmm your situation is almost kinda sounding like my current relationship...My gf also gets out of control and overemotional about little things sometimes. After this kept happening over and over it kinda made me have doubts in our relationship. I love her and I dont want to loose her, but its just sometimes she gets too out of control and I cant stand it. We sort of discussed it indirectly and stuff and I just told her that she cant always take these minor things to the extremes and get upset about it. When you get older your gonna face many things everyday that upset you with your boss or co-workers. I told her its not only hurting her but its also effecting the people around her. She said she realized that she has been overreacting about things and has been doing better now. That kinda stuff is always normal when a girl is having their period but if you get too carried away with your moodswings, you really have to just stop yourself and think: Is this really gonna make the situation any better? I really dont that your boyfriend wants to leave you over this. But you just have to take control of your emotions when something upsets you. Good luck with things.

[RayKay]

Welcome to the forum Marylou

 

I definitely can feel where you are coming from - it is frustrating when your own insecurities seem to get a handle over you, isn't it? I have felt like you many times - unsure, insecure, realizing my own insecurities were affecting things negatively, and getting insecure about that...it's a vicious cycle!

 

Definitely do not give an ultimatum!

 

Honestly, it sounds like he does love you....and even him opening up to you about his doubts can have been evidence of that since he was still expressing how he felt positively at same time right?

 

In my experience, actually talking about those doubts can help, as it helps both partners to understand one another, work on where there may be issues, and maybe even realize they are not alone...in a relationship I find there is often a point where you wonder about things, how its going..it is normal. He may indeed sometimes have difficulties with some aspects of your mood swings for example, however it is also clear he chose to be with you FOR you.

 

Yes, you may indeed be sensitive and emotional, more so at some times then others, and indeed it might raise issues time to time, however..I bet you that while there may be some downsides to it, he also loves you FOR that sensitivity and that soul.

 

My guess is that you are now feeding your own insecurities. A question...after you get upset and moody and your boyfriend and you talk it over and get over it...do you later also get moody and emotional about how you got moody and emotional in first place? And start to have your doubts repeat themselves...

 

I think you should talk to your boyfriend..but no ultimatums, no pressure. Tell him you are glad he could come to you with his doubts as well as his hopes with you, and that you just found it hard to take at the time, because you did get a bit fearful about what that meant. Open it up so that you can communicate together.

 

Love grows through time, and shared experience. And those shared experiences won't always be positive...I have had a couple times in my current relationship where we both felt insecure, fearful, doubtful for days, weeks because we both worried so much about what the other felt, about losing one another...and in our fear, we did not come to one another. But I have found that we both feel the same, and for both of us our commitment to one another and the relationship, our belief we are meant for one another overrides it all, and we work through even those negatives and fears and insecurities together.

 

As for the PMS...have you ever consulted a doctor, or therapist? Do you exercise, eat well? Meditate, do art? Practice yoga, or hit the gym? Listen to music....what kind of things do you think would help you balance and refocus, give yourself a time out of sorts for when you start feeling that down mood come on? And maybe in those times when you feel that mood coming on and are emotional...tell your boyfriend..look, I am feeling really sensitive and emotional today, and need some extra hugs, and to not talk about anything too overpowering today! PMS is not in itself an excuse for acting badly (not saying you do) but it is clear that sometimes we can be more "needy" at those times and emotional. I call it my "Clingon" phase...as I find I am more needy of my partner for attention and extra hugs and kisses then...

 

Good luck!

[ShySoul]

Everyone has doubts and insecurities. Even the happiest of couples wonder at times if things will continue or if something will come between them. That's perfectly natural and normal fears. Don't get down on yourself or on him for having them. Instead express your concerns when they come up and talk it over. You did this and that was good. From there, try not to think about them as much. Live in the moment and concentrate on all the good things that are happening, not on bad things that may or may not happen in the future.

 

Ultimatums aren't a good idea. People have a tendency to resist harder when they are being forced into doing something. Unless its a real serious issue (drinking, feeling ignored...) then ultimatums aren't the way to go. You get further with open, honest communication and dialogue. Plus, since things seem to be going well for you two, there doesn't seem to be a reason to worry like this.

 

The fact that you two have different personalities can be a good thing. My girl is outgoing and emotional, overreacting to little things. I'm introverted and am generally laid back. It can bother us at times, really get on each other's nerves. But in a lot of ways it is good for us. We balance each other out. She encourages me to break out of my shell, and I help her slow down and enjoy things instead of fussing or worrying about little things that aren't all that important in the larger picture. Try looking at it this way, instead of a problem or a cause of tension and doubt.

[Marylou]

Thank you so much for your great responses, they are really, really helpful to me!

 

I will try to answer some of your questions:

@Raykay: yes, I do cultivate and repeat my own doubts, you are exactly right.

As for the PMS: a friend once called me 'clingwrap' and that's exactly what i am sometimes (well, often). I haven't talked to a doctor yet, but I've decided to give my GP a call tomorrow because I believe my PMS got worse since I got an IUD (Mirena) inserted 3 years ago, and I'm planning to have it removed to see how that feels. I also have to add that I'm going through a difficult time right now. My mum just recovered from breast cancer and I have just finished my PhD thesis (in psychology, can you believe it? ) and am looking for a job. Financially things are thight as well. Well, I guess you get the picture, a stressful time like this enhances the PMS.

 

@Shysoul & MaxPayne19, it is great to get the guys perspective...I expected this to be an all-female forum, but I'm glad it's not. I agree with you that our different personalities could complement eachother, we just have to find a way to do it.

 

The thing I am most scared about now, is that I already ruined things because I became needy & insecure.... He got to know me 9 months ago as a happy-go-lucky girl, and then 4 months down the line my mum got cancer, I had to finish the thesis, will loose my job soon... well, not so happy anymore as you can imagine. I know that once my mum feels better (which she already does, luckily) and I find a new job, i'll be much more relaxed, I just cross my fingers it's not to late by then.

 

Well, thanks again for listening. I will see my bf this weekend, and will update on the situation on Monday!

[RayKay]

Marylou - the IUD could definitely be part of it, so yes, see how it goes or look at other options.

 

Don't worry too much...it sounds like he is supportive of you in rough times...and there is a LOT on your plate by the sounds of it..no wonder you are stressed out! I mean, if he was not supportive and understanding through that, he would not be supportive in future either...it may have been stressful, but it was also a good litmus test I think

 

My mom lost her mom to breast cancer when she was your age, and I know it was EXTREMELY hard on her to go through that illness...so you have been through a lot just seeing her in pain.

 

I am VERY glad your mom is doing okay, I will send good healing vibes her way and congrats on your thesis!

[Marylou]

Marylou - the IUD could definitely be part of it, so yes, see how it goes or look at other options.

 

Don't worry too much...it sounds like he is supportive of you in rough times...and there is a LOT on your plate by the sounds of it..no wonder you are stressed out! I mean, if he was not supportive and understanding through that, he would not be supportive in future either...it may have been stressful, but it was also a good litmus test I think

 

My mom lost her mom to breast cancer when she was your age, and I know it was EXTREMELY hard on her to go through that illness...so you have been through a lot just seeing her in pain.

 

I am VERY glad your mom is doing okay, I will send good healing vibes her way and congrats on your thesis!

 

Dear Raykay!

 

Wow, I am so happy with your quick responses, it really encourages me..

Yes, the past 4/5 months haven't been easy and yes, my bf has been very supportive, so I know I can totally rely on him.. but I also understand that he wants his 'fun' gf back... and I'm only fun part of the time nowadays. I feel like in order to keep the relationship healthy, I have to pull myself together and don't be too needy..

and the IUD is gonna go...soon hopefuly!

 

Anyway, got to go to bed now (im from Europe ) so more later!

[Marylou]

Hi guys & girls

 

Can I please ask your advice on this one: a group of my college friends have planned a weekend away for new years. My bf is invited as well, but he has never met that group of friends yet, since they all live quite far away. He is going to meet them for the first time in a few weeks time, at a birthday party.

I told him about this weekend a few months ago, but since things were just early days then, we didn't really decide whether he was coming or not.

But now we have to pay for the cottage we rented and of course I have to pay extra if my bf is coming so I need a definitive answer now. I do want him to come of course, but maybe not for the full weekend (i'm not sure I would want to spend a full weekend with his friends either!) so I would be happy if he would come for just one day. I am the only one in the group that is bringing a 'new' bf, all the others are either single or in long-term relationships with people we all know well.

I am quite scared to bring it up, since it's 2,5 months ahead of us, and things aren't so steady right now. What would be the best thing to do?

[RayKay]

I think you should invite him, or feel it out, tell him that you think it might be a great way to get away from the stress, and have some fun together.

 

And give him option of not staying whole weekend if its too much, but unless you are opposed to him being there whole weekend, make sure he is well aware if he chooses it is open for him to be there entire time!

 

I think things are way steadier than you are imagining...he sounds like he really wants to be with you, don't sell yourself short

[Marylou]

Yeah, I know that I am probably seeing things a little more 'black' than I ought to.... I'll spend most of the weekend with him, so I'll pick a good moment to bring it up again. I know he is not really into celebrating new years eve (because he's a bit of a worrier and contemplates the past year & the year ahead on that night), and I can totally imagine that it's hard to spend a whole weekend with people he doesn't really know.

So here's what I'll do: I will ask him to come, tell him that I would love for him to be there, but if he feels more comfortable coming only for 1 day & night, that's fine by me.

Does that seem like a good idea?

I'll let you know after the weekend what he said

[Marylou]

Hi there

 

Back again after the weekend!

Okay, so let me first tell you about how he responded to the weekend away with new year's: very well! He isn't particularly looking forward to it (which I understand since he doesn't know anyone) but will come along for the first night and the leave the next day to celebrate the new year with his own friends. Totally okay.

 

However, not everything is totally okay. We spend Saturday together and it was all fine, but in the evening I started 'a talk' again. I just couldn't handle the insecurity anymore and things felt tense again.

After a while, he basically told me that he is not sure I am 'the One' for him. He does love me, he wants to be with me, but things have been so tense and complicated the past weeks/months, that he is not sure that I am the right woman for him anymore and that he doesn't know how to work things out anymore. Well, personally I don't really believe in all this 'the One' nonsense, but my boyfriend, being the sensitive dreamer that he is, seems to have this romantic idea of a perfect relationship. Anyway, despite my best intentions to not give him an ultimatum, I told him I couldn't take it anymore, and that he had to make a choice, whether he was going to fight for our relationship or not. I told him that I love him to death and that I am quite certain we can make this work. I told him that it is okay for him to have doubts sometimes. I also told him I haven't been myself lately, with all the things going on, but that I would try and be more relaxed with him. Well, after I said all that, I basically asked him whether he was willing to fight with me for us and he fell silent for what seemed a very long time. That made me feel so horrible, that I literally started packing my stuff (we were at his place). I suppose this was the moment he realized he could really loose me, because he started to cry and told me not to go. Which I didn't…. we hugged and talked for the longest time after that and made a few promised to each other. I promised him to try to work on my mood swings and stop taking things out on him. He promised me to be more open about his feelings. And we both promised eachother to be more involved in eachothers lives, because we often feel like we live on different islands. We are going to try & move our islands as close together as possible

How does that all sound? I feel quite okay now, since Sunday last night/this morning were very nice. I do have confidence in our relationship and love. The only thing that bothers me is that I know that he doesn't have that same confidence…. And I don't know how long I can stop myself from talking about it again…

[RayKay]

Hi MaryLou again

 

Hmmm, well, though you don't believe in the "One"...it is true many of us do. It does not mean that the "One" is literal in that there is ONLY "One"...but it does mean that you meet someone whom you deem IS the "One", or a person you are going to decide is the "One". It's something hard to explain, but its someone you just KNOW is, whom meets all your compatibilities, who just "fits"...and when you know someone IS that "One"...you also know when someone is not that "One".

 

So, I can't fault him for feeling that way. I dated a few people in my life, had great relationships with some fantastic people, some broke up with me, some I broke up with...but when I met my current partner, I KNEW as did he beyond question we were meant to be together. That does not mean our relationship is perfect, we have issues and disagreements, but we have tremendous faith and belief in one another and our relationship. That to me, makes him the "One", and I am also his in return. It's not a romantic idea of the perfect relationship, it's the realistic knowledge that relationships are work, love is work, but the true belief in the strength of your bond and relationship to commit to working through those obstacles.

 

Anyway, I hate to say this next story because yours very well may turn out different, but my last ex broke up with me in the end, after expressing over the few months preceding what your boyfriend is. At the same time, he did not want to lose me and loved me, but something was missing, he loved me, but I was not the "One". Now, maybe he would of changed his mind, but that made ME feel TERRIBLY insecure obviously about our relationship (he had also tried to end it/thought of ending it a couple times but could not as he would get sad at idea of losing me and would not) and that manifested itself too - I got more insecure, clingy about things and our status, that it affected us as well. And a couple times I did the pack my stuff up....and start to leave. But that's not the right way to go about it, I think it makes things worse.

 

All that being said, honestly, it sounds like he does love you and wants to try and work through these things and these doubts - because you are right, sometimes doubts do happen, and they are part of the normal progression of the relationship...sometimes they are not even caused by relationship itself or other person..they just arise.

 

Give it more time, but my advice is...don't place ultimatums on, be very careful about your insecurities rising to try and take control of the future. Because you can't predict the future yet, just take things as they come for a little longer, and see where it goes, and how he feels, and how your "islands" come together before you make any decisions. Trust me in that I do believe you are part of this journey and do have the right to know where it goes towards too, but you also need to trust in him, and give it some time. Determine what that "time" is for you...if in the next while you feel him drifting away, or distancing or whatever, then its time to make some decisions. But he may even realize through this you are indeed the one for him.

 

 

Best of luck.

[Marylou]

Djeez, Raykay, how come you are always so quick to answer?

 

Allright, I understand what you are saying about 'the One'. I must also admit that in the beginning of the relationship I have always doubted that me and my bf were that person for eachother. I didn't feel that 'fit' either, that compatibillity. We don't really seem to have that. Somehow I always felt like we weren't meant to be, whether I believed in that or not. That changed a little over the past weeks, but that might also have to do with him expressing his doubts and me feeling I can loose him.

Well, I don't really know what to say about this anymore.

I suppose I just have to give things a bit more time to see if it changes, if not, I'm afraid I have to draw conclusions

[Marylou]

Hi there

 

quicky update. Hmm... I definitely feel much better than when I wrote my last posts a week ago. We had a very good week I must say, we spend 3 nights together with a highlight on Saturday night, when we went out for drinks, and my BF really opened up. We talked a lot about how we see the 'perfect' lifelong relationship, about being honest and open in relationships etc.

We didn't talk about what this means for us, it wasn't emotional, it was just a very good, open, and honest conversation that definitely brought us closer together.

We are not there yet, but things do feel better again.

I do, however, still feel a bit unsecure and unsafe, but hopefully things will improve over the past weeks.

 

There is one little 'thing' that I would like to get advice for though, and that is that I noticed that I am still extremely clingy and a sucker for attention...My BF is usually very affectionate, but sometimes he justs wants to work or read for a few hours when we are together and i must admit I find that hard. Especially in the -not-so-stable- situation that we are in now, I constantly feel like I need physcial contact when we're together, and when we're not together, I crave attention through calls and emails.

I realise that this is my own problem and that i should deal with it myself, without bothering my BF too much, but I can use some advice!

[Mun]

If you want to kill this relationship then keep being clingy and insecure. It will work, believe me.

Nobody likes having to be "on" all the time. Let him have his down time girl. Give him a break. Let him miss you.

 

I recommend that everytime you start to crave some extra attention or start feeling insecure you think back to that day when he cried and begged you NOT TO GO. Why would he do that unless he really cares for you and doesn't want to be without you??

 

Also, try working on your self esteem on your end, without him. As long as you don't feel 'good enough' you will continue to have problems in relationships. If he is with you it's because he wants to be there, nobody is forcing him right?

 

You're worth the effort, remember that girl.

[Marylou]

Thanks Mun, you are so right about everything you're saying... the main problem is my own self esteem, and I know that. It's so stupid, I got so much going for me, but still I find it hard to believe a man would want me in his life forever...I have no idea where that comes from... I'm very confident in other parts of my life, my career, friendships... but love, ouch!

 

Anyway, saw my BF tuesday & yesterday and it was good. We were very relaxed around eachother. I hope I can keep up the good work, because I really like how things are going now!

I won't see him until next week now, because we are both going away with friends this weekend. That's good, it gives him a chance to miss me!

[Judynak]

have you thought about going to the doctor and taking something for your mood swings?? just a thought

[Marylou]

Judynak, no, I don't really want to take any medication for the moodswings. I am open for reccomendations about herbal stuff, but no real medication for me. Anyway, the past 2 weeks have been really good. I have felt much more stable. A good example: BF and I have both been away this weekend to visit friends, seperatly. I had dinner plans with some girlfriends tonight, and we agreed to meet tomorrow night. I phoned him when I got off the plane this afternoon, and he told me he didn't really have plans for tonight. Later on, my girlfriends cancelled our dinner plans, and I phoned my BF to ask if he wanted to come over tonight. He said no because he was just getting into some complicated stuff at work (he is a mathematician...) and thought that this could take the rest of the evening to complete.

Of course, I didn't really LIKE him turning me down, but I didn't make a fuss about it. We joked a bit about me being his 2nd priority after mathematics (in a loving way) and I wished him good luck with his work. And I left it at that.

Actually, I am quite proud of myself now