Thinking about leaving my year and a half long relationship.

[living_life_sucks]

Thinking about leaving my year and a half long relationship. I don't know if this is what I really want and I don't know if I could, but at this time I feel that I need to and want to.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. I am 21 and he is 19. Before I describe our relationship let me describe my boyfriend and Myself individually. From there I'll jump into more of what the issue is.

 

My boyfriend

He is full of surprizes. He sends me roses, flowers, and custom made cards for just because reasons. He also does alot of surprize visits. For big holidays like Valentines Day, Christmas, My birthday, and New Years. He always surprises me with something big. For example on valentines day he came into my house early in the morning played some soft music in the background and wrapped a huge Teddy Bear around me. When I woke up he kissed me, and sang me a song about us, a rare song, but one that really matched our relationship. When he was done he presented me with a pretty friendship ring and slipped it on my finger (it was silver with diamonds, but I don't think it was real.) On top of that he is very longtempered and is able to stand all of my shortcomings and never fails to tell me how much he loves me. He calls me all the time because he misses me. He puts me before anything else in his life. He likes for me to cry on his shoulder and to spend all my free time with just him.

 

Me

Although my boyfriend is romantic, I am not really a materialistic girl and I don't ask for all that stuff, although I do give him my share of romantic surprises as well. I often find his surprises overwhelming and sometimes I feel that I'm competeing with him to give good surprises and good presents. He has preconceptions on how I will fall head over heals when he does the speacial things he does for me. My reactions to his surprises usually don't satisfy him and I have told him he does too much and expects too much in return from me. I have college to worry about. Ever since I met him I have been doing worse in college and I feel like I don't have any time for myself to just relax or sit and just think or just to do something that I like to do for fun. I find our relationship really demanding of my time, yet I feel that I need to stay.

 

Relationship

Over the past year and a half my love for him has peaked and now it's heading downhill. Lately I have been finding out that I am looking at other guys, but he doesn't know this yet. He has been looking at other girls as well. But his reason is because he no longer gets speacial benefits. My reason is be cause I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. In the year and a half that I have dated him he has only been in college for one semester. It feels awkward that by the time he finishes Bachelots I will be done with my Masters. He finally got a job in june, his Driver's liscence in July, and recently applied to go back to college this spring. The only reason he did any of this was because I gave him the choice to do it or hit the road each time. I meant it too, it seems that he only responds well when I really am going to leave him. I wish he could just be more responsible, I wish he could motivate himself to do things, but I guess his motivation is me. He always tells me that his only motivation in life is me. I guess it should sound sweat, but I hate that way of thinking. I tell him to take thinka bout himself and his future before dropping everything to just love me because if I ever leave him then he won't have anything left. Anyways I think that our issue is that my boyfriend needs to grow up and become responsible and that if I hold out long enough then I will get what I want, I'm just worried that he'll never change, or that the pressure in this relationship will cause me to fail in school and mess up my future. I've always had a problem in the past with his obsession over me, but I just could leave him. I just couldn't stand to hurt him. Sometimes I feel like he is holding me back from reality, from happiness, from my future. I feel that he says I love you too much and that using the word all the time takes some of the meaning and importance out of the word. Sometimes I feel like he thinks our relationship is some type of lovey dovey fairytail. In all I can't leave him becasue in this time he has also become my best friend, at the same time I feel that if I was to break up with him today I would be alright.

[Beaker78]

Why not talk to him about it and take some time out to yourself and see if he can make an effort to change his life for the better......

You might find that some time apart may help the situation and he might get his butt in gear and make a go of his life(i got dumped 7 weeks ago and thats what it did for me).

[living_life_sucks]

Yeah, I might do that, I've tried before, but it didn't last for more than a couple days. I guess I should try this again and let him know I really mean business.

[shorty20]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I totally know where you are coming from. I was in a relationship for over a year before I realized my bf was never going to change... was never going to live up to what I would want in a husband. He was so loving, affectionate, and treated me like a princess, but there are some things that you just can't settle for. I broke up with him about 5 months ago. I still think about him all the time... haven't talked because I thought it would help him get over me faster if I wasn't in the picture at all.... breaking up with him was the hardest but best thing i've ever had to do for myself... when you come to the point in a relationship where all it does is weigh you down, hold you back, and add more stress to your life, sometimes it's just not going to work. I know how you feel about how you should'nt be this guys sole inspiration or motivation... and i know how it feels to have someone love you so much that you'd hate to crush them... but at this point in time, I think it's best to think about you. What do you want? Don't stay with him because you don't want to hurt him, because staying with him will hurt him in the long run... they longer you stay, the harder and the more hurt he'll be when you leave... i'm not saying leave him... i'm saying do what you need to do for YOU... the rest will fall into place.. if you ever need someone to talk to, I was in your place about 5 months ago, like I said, and I would be more than willing to listen to you vent, or to give you more advice.. good luck hun, i hope it all works out

[smallworld]

Maybe it's just me, but based on your enotAlone nickname and your lack of enthusiasm about this relationship, it sounds like you no longer value what he has to offer and can't name one single thing you still love about him. Not good signs!

 

You're right to question the viability of your future together. If he has no self-motivation to better himself, he's not likely to ever change. And if he really was a positive influence in your life, your grades wouldn't be suffering. Real love nurtures and brings out the best in one another and unfortunately this doesn't sound like the case between you.

 

If you find it too hard to break things off in one fell swoop, try a trial seperation and see how you both feel, but from an outsider's point of view it seems like you've already decided that a breakup is inevitable.

[living_life_sucks]

Yeah, I want to change the nickname, but I don't know how. That is just the e-mail I use when I'm depressed about something then I open that up when I'm feeling better to give myself advice. I suppose this site is better than that though.

 

Now to my problem, I do not like the situation I am in at all, and I feel that leaveing it is the only answer, but honestly, if it is possible I want to make it work with my boyfriend and don't want a permanent break up. Everything is just too much for me right now. I want him to change, but nothing happens overnight. He's slowly changing, but he's doing it too slow, and he's only doing it because I would leave him otherwise. I don't use leaving as a threat. My intentions are to give him a chance so that he knows what he can do to save the relationship instead of just dropping it all on some day that I'm tired of everything.

[Meow18]

He won't change unless he wants to do it for himself. Doing it just so you won't leave never works. If he's not motivated for himself, then it won't happen. You might slowly be seeing changes, but it's nothing that will be permanent.

 

He is only 19 though. He might not have fully matured, which could be very likely. However, like it was said, it won't happen over night. Who knows how long it will take. It could take years.

 

I don't think it's fair to be in a relationship with someone you want to change. You shouldn't change a person to be who you love. You love a person for who they are at that moment.

 

In my opinion, you need a break. If you are both looking at other people, that's a clear sign that you both don't feel right for each other.

[DN]

I agree with Maggie that you can't change someone into being who you want them to be - nor should you.

 

Remember however, that he is 19. Just be careful that over the next two or three years or so you find that he has has become motivated and successful and that you haven't given up on someone who could give you all you want.

[HajiMaji]

Is it possible to have a talk with him? If he truly loves you he will respect what you say and really take it to heart. It sounds like he wants this relationship to work. Try communicating a few times with him, open and honestly. Try to be patient also. I think a talk might really help out both of you here.

[living_life_sucks]

Is it possible to have a talk with him? If he truly loves you he will respect what you say and really take it to heart. It sounds like he wants this relationship to work. Try communicating a few times with him, open and honestly. Try to be patient also. I think a talk might really help out both of you here.

 

Yes we have good communication in our relationship. He knows were we stand and he maturing and all, but sometimes I feel like he is taking so long to change. I feel like he is holding me back, and I know he feels like I'm pulling him up, but I just don't know how much longer I can do this. Holding on to him is really effecting me and where I am going in life, yet I don't want to just give up on him. We have come so far. I feel that no matter what I decide I will be losing a big part of who I am.

[melrich]

You should break up with him. These feelings will only get stronger and the harder he clings to you. This relationship is becoming increasingly one sided and unbalanced.

[living_life_sucks]

This relationship is becoming increasingly one sided and unbalanced.

 

What do you mean by this? Do you think that I am being one sided or do you think he is and what do you mean by one sided?

[melrich]

No I mean he is relying on the relationship for his happiness, for his motivation, for his reason for living.

 

You are seeing the relationship as holding you back, hurting your grades, stopping you doing things you want to do.

 

I just don't think it is going to get any better for you and it is probably going to get a lot worse.

[living_life_sucks]

No I mean he is relying on the relationship for his happiness, for his motivation, for his reason for living.

 

You are seeing the relationship as holding you back, hurting your grades, stopping you doing things you want to do.

 

Wow. That is a very clear and concise way to put it. Is there any way you can think of that I may make this relationship better for us. Is there anything I can do to make it more balanced other than breaking up with him. I'm sure it's not entirely his fault or my fault that our relationship is the way it is now. I wouldn't want him to go through the pain of something that doesn't have to be unless that is absolutely the last straw. Although we are close to that point, but it seems that things are slowly changing.

[living_life_sucks]

melrich, I am a very stupid girl aren't I?

[melrich]

Is there any way you can think of that I may make this relationship better for us.

 

With the way you are feeling about it, no I don't think there is. To make the sort of changes you are talking about requires both parties to be totally committed and in love. I don'tthink you are.

 

I'm sure it's not entirely his fault or my fault that our relationship is the way it is now.

 

It's no ones fault, we can't manufacture our feelings.

 

I wouldn't want him to go through the pain of something that doesn't have to be

 

Sometimes that sort of pain is a good thing. We learn so much from it and I think your guy has a lot to learn. Unless you see this relationship lasting the full distance then at some point he is going to go through pain.

 

Otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable.

[melrich]

melrich, I am a very stupid girl aren't I?

 

Not at all. You would be stupid if you just ignored your feelings and stayed with the status quo because that was the easy thing to do....too many people do that.

 

You are questioning your feelings and taking the time to consider the best response. I think that is very smart.

[living_life_sucks]

Well, it's just that, I can see my self marrying him in the future, when he is more responsible, but I don't know what to do right now. Even our families are well aquanted with one another already. But I think you are right, I just may not love him as much as he loves me at this moment, but I do love him. I'm sorry if I'm giving you a head ache Melrich. I just feel like this is going to be one of the biggest descisions that I make in my life and that I will regret which ever descision I make. If I do decide to leave him now, what if he is with someone else in the future when he has his life straightend out and I totally regret it because if I do break up with him now it would be with the intention of getting back together one day when it is time to.

[melrich]

This is an age old problem isn't it. We meet someone who could be "the one" at the wrong time of life.

 

I don't know what to tell you except that you are sending mixed messages...one hand feeling stifled by your b/fs obssession and on the other thinking he is maybe "the one"

 

So all I can say is this. The way you are feeling now is not good and changing your relationship dynamic will be hard. So likely if you want to tough this out you will have to put up with these feelings for some time (until he reaches your level of maturity).

 

If the relationship lasts that long then maybe you can go on and build for the future.

 

If it doesn't then you will probably both be so over each other the chance of you getting together later when you are ready for life commitment is probably pretty slim.

 

If you break up now, you can probably still salvage a friendship that may leave it open in a few years to have another try when you are both ready for commitment.

 

But if you break up now, you miss the chance that you could possibly see it the whole way through and there is no gurrantee that you will ever get back together again (in fact it is probably unlikely).

 

So any decision you make has risks attached.

[living_life_sucks]

Thank you Melrich. You have helped me put my relationship into perspective. You make alot of sense when you write. I understand that what ever happens next is up to me. I am full aware of the potential outcomes and I think that that has been my fear all along. I will take your words for what they are worth and try to make the best descision I can. Also, thank you for helping me gain confidence in questioning what doesn't feel right. I don't know your background in giving advice like this, but it seems like you know what you are doing and I am thankful you are here to help.

[melrich]

I am only making comments on what you post. Only you know the full story.

 

I hope you make the best decision for the both of you.

 

Good luck with it all.