Think I blew it and need advice

[egirl2005]

My husband and I are trying to recover from his infidelity. I finally went to see someone and after 7 months of my asking he went to this person also. We plan; planned to go together in the near future. After he went I asked him what they had talked about (I know I shouldn't but I'm scared, scared that he is telling this guy that he is in love with someone else but doesn't want to lose his son, scared that that I will never be what he really wants) When he seemed relucant to tell me I over reacted and told him it was over, that I couldn't do this etc. I told him that the therapist had told me I had to be nice and prettier then usual etc. in order to win him back, that if I expected him to woo me back I would be disappointed. I really feel like I am still doing all the work and he is off the hook. I really thought the therapist would be telling me/him he needs to be doing more. We don't have sex, his choice, he rarily kisses me, holds me or hugs me unless I do it first. This morning he left mad; that's a real problem because he works with the woman he had an affair with. I feel like we/I am going through all of this and this other woman is sitting there and life with her looks so easy. I called him at work to apologize for asking what he had spoken to the therapist about and for yelling at him. He said fine in a short way but that he was tired of my games and he didn't think he could be what I wanted him to be. I felt very frustrated by his anger and said I thought it was over because I couldn't live with the fear that he would always leave if I got angry or upset, he said fine it's done I'm tired of your games.

 

I feel like I am sabatoging (?) any chance we may have of fixing this and I don't know if I am doing that because I am scared of being hurt again, because I really don't believe he is making any form of restitution for the things he has said and done or because I just don't want him back but don't want to be the one to end it and hurt our young son.

 

I'm I expecting too much from him, is just coming home at night and being nice enough? We neve had sex in our marriage, his choice and he doesn't understand why his holding back physically scares me. I want him to talk to me about everything so we can create a more intimate bond, he doesn't want to talk about anything.

 

I feel guilty for not knowing exactly what I want or need right now?

 

How do I back off a bit and get him to get in the game?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I told him that the therapist had told me I had to be nice and prettier then usual etc. in order to win him back, that if I expected him to woo me back I would be disappointed. I really feel like I am still doing all the work and he is off the hook. I really thought the therapist would be telling me/him he needs to be doing more.

 

I've been through infidelity and let me tell you something....that therapist is off his friggin rocker.

 

YOU have to "win" HIM back??? WHAT???? You are not the one who cheated! Yes, there is work that you have to do...such as working on forgiving and being constructive about your anger...not rejecting his efforts to do what he needs to do. Does this man even want to save this marriage?

 

There is a group you should join on Yahoo...Infidelity-Survivors. They can tell you more about this...they helped me a lot. I'll work on getting you a link...but you need someone besides this whack job therapist and your husband to talk to...

[darkblue]

the therapist had told me I had to be nice and prettier then usual etc. in order to win him back

:shocked!:

[TheSmilingTurnip]

 

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!

[darkblue]

Please, oh please - find another therapist.

[darkblue]

Quite frankly - forget what he said.

 

I'm not sure if he thought you cheated or your partner

Either way - get rid of him!

 

It's by no way necessary that you have to act/appear more attractive to your partner in order for him not to go astray!

[Love2Learn]

From one woman to another- this man has sabatoged this relationship NOT YOU!! You are the one who was hurt, betrayed..and personally he is the one playing the games ..not you.

 

As for your therapist and his/her advise...that is RIDICULOUS....from the sound of it you are doing all the work- "look prettier"?? that sends such a wrong message to you..- my personal advise...find a separate therapist for YOURSELF and if you both want to go to the old one together..go ..but you really need to take care of yourself and i think it would be helpful for you to find someone who is there for you and only you- how can you have honest, open, conversation with a therapist when the entire time you are wondering what your husband said?

 

You do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated- you ARE the mother of his child and you BOTH took vows - HE was unfaithful NOT you. You aren't expecting too much of him...Do you feel that asking someone to be honest and faithful is asking too much?

 

Chin up!! believe in yourself...get your power back girl!!!!! =)

 

HUGS!!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Quite frankly - forget what he said.

 

I'm not sure if he thought you cheated or your partner

Either way - get rid of him!

 

It's by no way necessary that you have to act/appear more attractive to your partner in order for him not to go astray!

 

Absolutely. Your anger is justified, as is your insecurity. Your therapist should be telling your husband this and that he just has to deal with it, while simultaneously helping you to work through your anger about it.

 

Your husband is basically paying the piper for cheating on you and this therapist is allowing him to get away with this. Know what I mean? Acting like it's your fault or something...that's just ridiculous.

 

My boyfriend cheated on me early in our relationship. The only reason we could heal from it is because he recognized that what he did was inappropriate and he recognized that he had to earn my trust back again. When I got angry or sad or whatever feeling I had at the time, he would hold me and tell me he was sorry, that he would never do it again and that he loved me. He recognized that this was happening because of what HE did and he didn't blame me one bit for HIS actions, his infidelity.

 

If things weren't going so great in your marriage, that is still no excuse to cheat. There are other ways to deal with things and that doesn't even qualify as one of them. If he was unhappy and wanted out or whatever, it was his responsibility to communicate with you about it. I'm sorry, there's no acceptable excuse for cheating, ever.

[egirl2005]

Thank you all for your posts, they really helped. I felt like I was doing everything wrong.

 

phrecklesrsexy my husband does hold me or anything and when I tell him I am having a bad day, you know pictures in your head etc. he gets distant and his tone of voice says (oh not again) He has never given me a card, flowers anything since this happened. He says he's sorry but doesn't believe he should have to say it more then once.

 

I have started reading a book call, How can I forgive you and do I have to? It says it is harder for a person to forgive the person who wronged them if they do not do the things you need them to do. I wish my husband understood this.

 

I need him to be caring, gentle and romantic right now, he pokes at me, makes jokes and pushes me around like a teenage boy. When I tell him this is not working he says this is his way, he is not romantic. When he said he never felt passion in our marriage, he belittled what little sex life he allowed us and I feel he should be making me feel like he can't get enough of me not like he is still getting over what he had with her. Like he has sacrificed so much to come back to us.

 

I know part of me wants to end my marriage before I invest anymore time and energy in a man our won't even try and change for me but I am scared I am giving up to soon and I will regret my decision in the future.

 

It's really hard to know what to do when you are so scared you will make the wrong decision.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

One word can sum this guy up: SELFISH and DISRESPECTFUL. Ok, yes, that was two. Why did this person marry you? Does he even love you or is he just staying out of obligation? He shouldn't 'have' to do this, he shouldn't have to do that? WHAT? Is he a few cans short of a 6-pack?

 

First, get a different therapist, as someone else here suggested. You need to take that step right this minute. Only then will you truly be able to sort through your feelings and figure out what you truly want. This guy seems to have worn out your self esteem.

 

Are you a stay at home mom? I know that you feel this could be headed for divorce, and his behavior is not telling you much different. You should speak to a lawyer right now about your rights and what you should be doing to prepare, just in case. Also, this will help you feel empowered.

 

He should be thankful that you even want his sorry butt around.

 

I don't want to tell you that your husband's not working on this and that you should leave; only you can determine that, in your time. But I would be willing to bet that he doesn't treat you that well otherwise and probably never did and your son is watching this; learning that this is how you treat your wife. I don't think that's what you want him to learn.

 

I'm still floored about what this fool of a therapist told you...please please please get someone else!

 

good luck and much love to you,

phreckles

[TheSmilingTurnip]

When he said he never felt passion in our marriage, he belittled what little sex life he allowed us and I feel he should be making me feel like he can't get enough of me not like he is still getting over what he had with her. Like he has sacrificed so much to come back to us.

 

Bingo...you are so right! What you have said he should be doing IS exactly what he should be doing. So don't let anyone feel like you're the one messing up.

 

New therapist, new therapist...before it's too late.

[DN]

Sorry, I sort of agree with the therapist - not exactly in what he said but the intent behind it.

 

It is usual and understandable to put all the blame to the breakdown of a relationship on the person who cheats. Which is fine if you want to leave and get a divorce.

 

But if you want to put a relationship back together then it is important to find out what went wrong and why the cheater cheated. If, for instance, the person who cheated felt that their partner had lost interest in sex, in them and the romantic side of the marriage then that needs to be addressed. Not in the sense of blame but in the spirit of making both people in the partnership happy again. And that means both people accepting responsibility for their part in the problems - not just one person accepting all the blame because he or she cheated.

 

It is all very well to blame your husband and for people to call him every nasty name in the book. He may deserve them - but it won't help the relationship if you adopt that attitude.

 

What he says to a therapist when talking alone is his business - it's very personal stuff and the reason he sees the therapist alone is so that he doesn't have to say it in front of you - and there are very good reasons for that. Making him tell you what was said negates the very confidentiality that he needs to be able to get his personal problems solved in therapy.

 

I am not defending this guy - but I am saying that if you really want to put this relationship back together, playing the blame game won't work.

 

If you want to leave him - then by all means do so. Cheating is perhaps the most valid reason for leaving someone. But if you don't want to leave him then you both need to get through this without making matters worse.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Sorry, I sort of agree with the therapist - not exactly in what he said but the intent behind it.

 

I can see what you're saying, and I do agree that both partners will have work to do on what was wrong before the adultery happened as well as what is wrong now because of the adultery.

 

However, I would be willing to bet that the adultery is the new focus, the new 'most important' issue being dealt with...I would bet that it overshadows everything else, and from that viewpoint, I think the counsellor's advice was not on target, or at the very least, not put artfully enough to be effective...ie...he ended up simply evoking feelings of inadequacy, not evoking feelings of 'you two both need to work together and try to love one another again', which may have been his intent.

 

I think the adultery needs to be dealt with first and then the couple can focus on other pre-existing issues, since at this time, there's absolutely no trust due to the husband's activities.

 

The adultery has now brought into question whether this person even wants to work on the marriage...if the going gets rough again, is he just going to sleep with someone else in order to temporarily dress his wounds? Is he just going to leave? Is there even a future to work on? The adultery takes the assumption that there is a future to work on away...know what I mean?

 

That's why I think the infidelity will have to be dealt with before they can focus on the other issues...or maybe even simultaneously.

[DN]

I think that it's all the same issue - the adultery, why it happened and what can be done do fix the problems that caused it. I don't think any aspect can be dealt with in isolation as they are so intertwined.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

this is a link to a very good group for people grappling with their partner's infidelity...

 

link removed

[quovadimus]

you can't make someone want to fix things with you. he must want to himself. it takes you being angry, sad, down, scared, betrayed or anything else you need to feel. it takes you asking what ever question, for how ever many times. it takes what it takes. these are no games. disallowing them is playing games.

 

your therapist is a loser. no amount of you being prettier is going to make your husband want you. they don't cheat because they're not getting enough at home. they cheat because they're not giving enough at home. find yourself a worthy therapist.

 

he doesn't have sex with you, his wife, but apparently has no problems having sex with someone else. what's wrong with this picture. ask yourself honestly why you so badly want someone who doesn't give you anything. then answer yourself honestly. then decide what the proper action is. my best to you.

[yeawutever]

DANG ANOTHER IDIOT WHO PUTS UP WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR, SHOULD HAVE GET A DIVORCE RIGHT AWAY OR SEPARATE FROM HIM, NO EXCUSES FOR ADULTERY. I GOT NO SYMPATHY FOR CHEATERS, AND UR USING THE SAME EXCUSE FOR STAYING WITH HIM, CUZ OF UR KIDS. WELL ITS TIME TO USE MORE LOGIC THAN EMOTIONS.

YUUK, GETS ME DISGUSTING HOW SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE DOING THEIR ****, CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, ARNE'T WE ALL EDUCATED, DON'T OUR FOLKS TEACH US MORALS AND VALUES. WELL THATS MY POINT OF VIEW, OK SO IM JUST 18 AND COLLEGE STUDENT BUT THATS JUST HOW I THINK.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

DANG ANOTHER IDIOT WHO PUTS UP WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR, SHOULD HAVE GET A DIVORCE RIGHT AWAY OR SEPARATE FROM HIM, NO EXCUSES FOR ADULTERY. I GOT NO SYMPATHY FOR CHEATERS, AND UR USING THE SAME EXCUSE FOR STAYING WITH HIM, CUZ OF UR KIDS. WELL ITS TIME TO USE MORE LOGIC THAN EMOTIONS.

YUUK, GETS ME DISGUSTING HOW SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE DOING THEIR ****, CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, ARNE'T WE ALL EDUCATED, DON'T OUR FOLKS TEACH US MORALS AND VALUES. WELL THATS MY POINT OF VIEW, OK SO IM JUST 18 AND COLLEGE STUDENT BUT THATS JUST HOW I THINK.

 

Yes you are just 18 and you are a college student...please use your education a little bit more before you speak. You're showing your age. A little bit more sensitivity is in order for this person.

[yeawutever]

Well see, don't mean to come harsh here, sorry about my early post but it just gets me mad on how can some people put up with cheating and the cheaters also gets me mad. Isn't there then trust issues to deal with for a deal while, some people never recover from it. Not to mention, wouldn't u then always be wondering about he's whereabouts when he's not with u, how about when he's off to work and one day u comes home very late. If I were u, I would want him out, I would consider separation or divorce. BUt ok since this not the case and u wnat to continue being married to him, then both of u should have good communication and try to ask him his schedule for a while. Then after a long while, maybe ur relation will be stronger than before. GOOD LUCK