My ex has contacted me... HELP - ASAP!

[Mattie]

Check out my "CONFUSED" thread for more background.

 

Basically, I told her a few weeks ago that we shouldn't speak because it makes it impossible for me to let go. Earlier on today I got a text message from her saying:

 

"Hey. How are you? I'm in my new house now. Second day here and I love it! It's such a funky flat. My room rocks, Mel C from the Spice Girls used to live here. Cool eh?!"

 

I did the NC thing and she got in touch with me. Now, I know it means NOTHING, but this is what is bothering me. Do I reply or do I not? I'm in two minds. I don't want to be rude.

 

This is such a weird thing to happen, because today I woke up and made peace with myself and everything. I feel like I've gone back ten steps.

[annie24]

Don't contact her. Don't worry about being rude, you have to heal yourself. Unless she says, "I miss you. I want us to get back together" don't bother responding. She's just trying to see if you're still holding on. That's manipulative, especially since you told her that you need to heal.

 

Ignore the contact. Stay on track. keep busy, hang out with your friends.

 

good luck

[kellbell]

Totally agree with Annie, ignore it. I think it was rude and totally going against your wishes. Sorry you are hurting.

[nataliejulie]

Consider this a test. And consider this... if you break NC you will feel like you went back 100 more steps.

 

I know it's totally hard, but think of it in a way that you are showing her you are stronger now, a person who isn't dependent on her, and won't be running back after a text message. Just reel in the satisfaction that she contacted you and you had enough strength to not give her the pleasure of your weaknesses.

[Demond34]

Don't reply. If you truly want to get over her, just let her go. If your leaving the opportunity to renconcile, she'll have to make more of an effort than a text message. Just leave it be for now, let her experience her new house and the new things in her life and don't even worry about it. Just do your thing and the things you like. She'll make it more obvious if she wants to be with you.

[coooolsome]

DO NOT REPLY. She is doing this to make herself feel better. Remember, unless they say "I want you back", they are out for themselves only and you should do the same.

 

Plus she can't even respect your wishes to not contact each other for a while.....who is she to not even do as you ask? She wants control. Dont give it to her.

[mysteriousGIRL]

i dont think u should over analyze it. If you do, and you got something you totally unexpected you will hurt yourself. I say leave it alone, if she still cares she will go crazy and txt u again or maybe even call. If she doesnt care about you anymore she probably wouldn't try anymore. Depends on what you want.

[Mattie]

Thanks guys. You're telling me what I believe to be the right thing to do.

 

I am just worried that I'll seem rude, but I know that if I reply I will regret it, because it gives her the power. I will carry on as I am and see if I hear from her again.

 

I'm annoyed because I will have today going thru my head over and over now.

 

Where's Super Dave when you need him?

[cb2000]

Mattie what were the reasons for your

initial break? I don't think I fully

understand your story.

[annie24]

Don't you think that she was being rude in not respecting your wishes of no contact?

 

And to top it off, like you could care any less about some Spice Girl's former apartment.... Your ex didn't even break no contact to tell you something important or meaningful....

[Mattie]

Mattie what were the reasons for your

initial break? I don't think I fully

understand your story.

 

Well, we were together for seven months before she went to university. I've been involved and hurt by long distance relationships in the past so I kept telling myself that it wouldn't work when she went to university. After seven months, I knew that I loved her, so I wanted to see how things went. But, I always had the thought in my head that it wouldn't work out. I knew I wanted to be with her, but I was scared of getting hurt. So I played it cool.

 

We'd see each other a lot and it was great, but I got used to her not being around. I got used to turning it on and off. When I was with her, I loved being with her. When she wasn't around, I still loved her deep down, but I didn't miss her in the way that I should've done. My ex was the complete opposite. Her being apart from me made her want me even MORE. So while I was being cool and casual, she was beating herself up thinking I didn't want to be with her. We never communicated, which is the problem.

 

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad between us. We were so happy when we were together. It was when we were apart that the problems came. Mainly because we never communicated.

 

So, in May this year, I realised that I couldn't go on the way it was. I couldn't hurt the girl I loved anymore. We had a long talk (the first proper one) about how we both felt. I told her that I loved her so much and that I could see myself marrying her one day. But, I was hurting her and if we were going to be together, I'd have to make it work long term. So I needed a bit of time apart to figure it all out. She was so hurt when I suggested a break, but she agreed.

 

In the time apart, I knew what I had to do. I couldn't let her go. I knew I wanted to be with her. The time apart worked. So, I started looking at places to live nearer to her. I started looking for jobs nearer to her. I was going to move so I could see her all the time. I know she was hurt and insecure and I thought that moving nearer to her would be a great way of showing how sorry I was and how much I was willing to do to make things work.

 

But, ultimately, as we didn't really communicate, it made things worse. My ex told me that in the break, she assumed I wanted to break up with her. So she "got over me" in the break. So, when I came back, she had moved on and told me that whenever she looked at me, it reminded her of how hurt she was. Which I can't argue with really.

 

I begged her, I told her I was sorry and I realised how special she is to me. But, by that time, she'd moved on and got together with a friend.

 

Phew. Sorry, I go on a bit don't I?

[Mattie]

OK, I've been thinking about this today. I knew I wouldn't be able to ignore it.

 

Anyway, the thing bothering me is that my ex is quite a shy and closed person. Given all that's happened, I don't expect her to say that she wants me back or anything like that. Even if she wants to. I know she'd be very scared as to how I'll react.

 

I know that the message means nothing, but I keep thinking, what if it isn't? Maybe she doesn't want to let her guard down. How the hell will I know?

[SuperDave71]

SOMEBODY GRAB THE DUCT TAPE IN CASE MATTIE TEXTS HER BACK!!!!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Mattie]

I replied today.

 

I felt that I was being rude by not replying. I'd given it five days, which at least tells her that I won't jump when she says jump. I didn't give anything anyway, I was polite, I told her I was good and I wished her all the best in her new house and at university. My text, like her text, was completely pointless, but at least I don't have the thought of "do I or don't I reply?" hanging over me anymore. The ball's back in her court now. I shall start NC again.

 

Nc has been working for me. By doing it, I've got to a stage now where I've accepted a few things about myself and my ex. We're not going to get back together in the near future, if at all.

 

The only way I can see it ever happening in the future is if we are friends again. With no intent on my part.

[Mattie]

Hey guys. I just thought I'd bump an old post of mine to let you all know that I'm totally over everything.

 

Myself and my ex are now best friends. She's getting on well at uni and she's happy in her new relationship. I'm happy for her now and I feel very very good to still have her in my life.

 

I was a mess in the summer. I really didn't imagine myself getting to where I am now, but I owe a lot of you several handshakes, hugs and alcohol. This forum really helped me.

 

If you're hurting after a break up, all I will say is that TIME is the best thing. It is the only thing that heals. I struggled with the thought of getting over my ex because I couldn't imagine my life without her. I didn't want to NOT want her if that makes sense. But with NC and a lot of supportive friends, it gets easier and easier. Sooner or later, you realise that life is too short.

 

I know that I still love my ex. Whenever we speak or see each other, there's a spark. But it's a positive spark now. It doesn't hurt me like it used to. I'm just glad I have her in my life. If anything, we get on better these days than when we were together.

[kellbell]

Hey Mattie!

 

Glad to see you are doing great and that you and your ex are good friends now. Thank you for the update.