No Contact - This one will suprise many of you as it did me

[Larz]

I will keep this short. My ex and I broke up one year ago after eight years, the last two years of which were rocky at best.

 

I was destroyed, hopeless, angry at the world... I decided after three months of begging and chasing that I would do the no contact thing.

 

Please understand that I loved this woman with every cell of my being. Every minute of every day was a struggle for air... I cannot even explain it. But I refused to be treated like a dog. I would rather die, and to be honest that was an option I entertained at one point.

 

This woman had a child (not of my bearing) that I raised for eight years from the age of 1. Talk about a double whammy. But I survived... Still cannot believe it -

 

Fast forward one year. Do I still think about her? Of course. Do I have regrets? Some... But the one thing through the months that really hurt me more than anything is that I knew I had done the best that I could and I was getting frustrated not having heard from her all this time. I was expecting it any day, and it never came. Drove me to the point of insanity.

 

More time passes... Still nothing. I've been dating, getting on with my life, things are looking pretty bright. I have completely accepted (this takes TIME) the fact that I may very well never hear from this person again.

 

She called today, in tears, 14 months later. And I mean completely screwed up. Now we can all guess what happened, I certainly can... I'm sure whoever the dumb as s was did not pan out.

 

My point in all of this? It happens when you least expect it. If you don't choose to wake up and move forward, to get on with your life and to make yourself the best person you can be, you will stay exactly where you are.

 

You WILL hear from them again as long as you do what is right. No contact works.

 

Trust me on that... I am a firm believer now.

 

14 months? Cmon... If you planted a positive seed, you will hear from them again. As for what happens now? (And this is truly a liberating feeling, as I never thought I could feel this way) I could give a rat's arse.

 

You WILL hear from them again if you just send this message: SILENCE. It is the strongest message you can ever send.

 

L

[DN]

What specifically did she want and what did you say? How were matters between you left?

[Beec]

I don't think silence will always get you a call in time. But it will keep you from degrading yourself through begging, etc.

[TiredMan]

That's kind of vague though. Every person is different. Every relationship is different.

 

In my case, NC would be the worst thing for me because not talking when I was upset at her is what caused many of the problems in the first place. She got so used to me getting upset and us not talking that it reached a boiling point.

[Shidoshi]

Larz I just want to say congratulations, and I'm glad you were able to snap out of it and realize how selfish people can be. Your story would be a great example for a guy on this forum by the name of "Rionmccloud."

 

I think NC can be very powerful after a breakup or when someone wants "space." When you do it "consistently" it makes the other person wonder about you. It takes a certain level of confidence and self-esteem to do it when you've been with someone you cared for, for so long. Sure, it can be painful at times no matter how long you've known the other person, but it definitely liberates you if you stick to it. Then you begin to wonder why you cared so much for someone who could so easily dismiss you (depending on the circumstances surrounding the breakup, however).

[toonsy]

I have to agree Tiredman. There are those unique situations. I am dealing with an ex with hidden abandonment issues. My going silent would make him "shut down", if i ever left the bed at night, he woke up horribly upset and feeling denied.

 

I keep in contact once a week or 2 via email. He is even seeing a new girl. We keep it friendly. The contact is at his request. I could go weeks if i needed to with NC, so I know that I dont need it. I am emotionally sound with the situation. If anything, NC is for your own good. Get yourself centered and strong.

 

The reaction of the ex? Never predictable.

[sepiaswirl]

i think that's a great NC story couldnt come at a better time either...some of us are still in the early stages of it. silence is a powerful statement, that much is true. thanks for sharing that.

 

i guess NC wouldnt work for everyone depending on the circumstances (as TiredMan can attest), but it's good to see that silence really did help you. i think the fact that she called is worth talking about, but it's even better to know that as the NC progressed, you started moving on with your life. it's awesome that u stuck with ur guns and refused to be treated like a dog.

 

would like to know what she said, and what you reaction was. definetly. DN's questions are important.

[ReadyorNot]

After two weeks of my ex breaking up with me in 1999 I started NC. We hadnt been fighting, it was a very nice two weeks but I knew I couldnt remain friends with him anymore...

 

I still have not yet received a phone call from him... nor do I care.... I met a guy 8 months later who changed everything for me. We are getting married in less than 9months...

 

I do want to say something though... it was the weirdest thing.

 

I had been dating my fiance for probably 3 months... We were at the mall and my fiance wanted to go to the bathroom so we walked over there and I waited in the food court. I could see out of the corner of my eye someone at the phones just staring at me. I was like WTF! I looked closer and it was my EX with his friend (a friend who hated me)... So I thought since he was staring at me maybe he wanted to say hi... I walked over to him to say hi and he was like all nervous and said nothing.... I said to him "So you are going to ignore me now?" and he was like "Ah yeah"... and I asked why and he said "For reasons that are unknown" and he walked away with his friend...

 

THAT is the moment that I KNEW I was 150% over him. I know it wasnt cool to be dating someone when I wasnt completely over my ex, but I couldnt help it.. Honestly, I didnt give a cr ap about him from then on!

[hurtwou]

I believe it. My ex of 2 years contacted me 8 months later we talk for a few days then we lose contact he always ends up calling me when I least expect it....and after all he put me through I dont even care if he calls or not

[scorchio]

Larz, thankyou, a great post.

 

been 5 1/2months split, 3 1/2months N/C by me

 

she hasnt done, said made any contact with me since she broke it off with me.

 

She also had a daughter (not mine)

 

I know I have to get on with things, but I do have hope for one day ..........................................