Having sex early in a relationship leads to problems????

[Diva_Lee]

Hey ya'll,

 

just out of curiosity, do u think that having sex early in a realationship will lead to relationship problems in the near future???

 

Thanx

Le-Lee

[Vert]

Actually, yes, I do believe this is true. Both of my past relationships were ones that I had sex early (first gf I was a virgin and it was 3 months into it, second gf was giving me bj's on the 3rd day and sex after 2 weeks), and both were ruined because those broken boundaries. I now believe that having sex outside of marriage allows for false intimacy since there is still no commitment. Just my 2 cents...

[BellaDonna]

I think if your ultimate goal is to establish a committed relationship with the person, and you become emotionally attached when you have sex, then it can definitly lead to problems. You'd be skipping steps.

 

There are some people, few and far between, that have married people they initally had casual sex with. So somehow it works for some people.

 

However, proceed with caution.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Vert]

I think if your ultimate goal is to establish a committed relationship with the person, and you become emotionally attached when you have sex, then it can definitly lead to problems. You'd be skipping steps.

 

There are some people, few and far between, that have married people they initally had casual sex with. So somehow it works for some people.

 

However, proceed with caution.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

Exactly, bella. You have entered into an emotional and physical "soul tie" with that person before the marriage commitment when you have any form of sex (oral, mutual masterbation, penetration). I do believe that penetration is probably the highest form of intimacy possible since at that point you are fully joined with the other person.

[RayKay]

I think to say sex would be to blame for problems is not entirely accurate.

 

I think having sex early on the hopes it will create a commitment will indeed create problems - because a commitment and love are not forged from sex. They are created with time, shared experiences, and just building a foundation for your relationship. And sometimes great sex can blind you to the cracks that are in the foundation before it ever appears. Sometimes also the people have a different approach to sex - one sees it as casual fun, one sees it as commitment, so problems arise.

 

However, that being said, sex in itself does not "ruin" a good relationship if it is meant to be a true relationship. There are also plenty of people whom develop long-term, even marriage, mutually rewarding and satisfying, loving relationships out of situations where they had a sexual relationship early on - because when it came down to it they were compatible, and had the tools for a healthy relationship that was more than sex in the end.

 

It all depends on the people involved, their approach, the communication involved, their compatibilities on all the other levels and the expectations, and ultimately the solidity that the relationship was meant to have regardless of whether they had sex early, or waited.

 

I have had sex early on in relationships, and other times waited. It has no bearing on the success or failure of the relationship - if it did not work out it was not due to sex early on, if it did work out, it was not due to waiting either. It came down to being compatible or not in the end...some things show up far down the line you would not necessarily know early on. I know people whom have waited until marriage, and still got divorced. I know people who had sex within a day or two, and are together years later.

[Day_Walker]

I dont believe that sex early on in the relationship is the proximate cause of problems later on down the line. I dont see how the two can directly correlate. If you believe that sex is somehow related to your problems then yes, it could be true. In most cases I just think that people make bad decisions, then they want to blame the failed relationship on the fact that they had sex early on in the relationship.

[djedix]

i think most people use it as an excuse. It's kinda like an easy way out of other relationship problems that actully cause the fighting. i've heard "we never really had a friendship, or a relationship before we had sex"... well then why didn't you stop me and tell me that's what you wanted?

[Diva_Lee]

thanx for the feedback guys.

[Vert]

I think you're missing my point, Raykay. I do understand that there are couples that can have true, meaningful, loving sex prior to marriage and everything still works out. I'm just saying that there are usually more problems associated with couples that have sex prior to marriage than those that don't. I'll try to find a study on that and get back to you...

[shes2smart]

Depends entirely on the people and what they're looking for.

 

Stormiest, most drama-filled relationship in my life started with sex on the 2nd date. Not a good outcome.

 

A relationship where I did everything "right" according to conventional wisdom and dating rules -- let him pursue, waited to have sex, and so on -- ended up with him cheating on me. Not a good outcome.

 

The most solid, caring & healthiest relationship I've been in (my marriage) started with sex on the first date. Did everything "wrong" according to conventional standards and had the outcome (and relationship) I'd been looking for all along.

 

Seems I always do best in life when I listen to and trust myself over what anyone else thinks I should do.

[lifeiscash]

I disagree with a few of you on this board. When having sexual intercourse with someone that might develop into a meaningful relationship it causes, in most woman.. and men too, emotions that are sometimes unhealthy early on because these emotions are being felt and given to a person that you don't really know or even had time to understand. I think of it as a "false emotion" that we feel and it reminds me of just one-night stands with this only person. When you give away sex, you are giving away your control and allowing yourself to open up to a person with trust and respect to experience a part of life where it can be amazing if you allow yourself to build that trust and add on experiences with one another.

 

To have sex early on, I don't believe you are "allowing" yourself to open up to this person, but using sex for lust, pleasure, or self-assurance issues that you may be dealing with... which even I sometimes have. It hurts you in the long run because how can you really trust someone that will just have sex with you in just a few weeks?? Can you seriously RESPECT a person that would do that?? You might beable to trust the person, but would you respect them? If so, then maybe I see things differently... I just can't see any good that can come out of having sex so early on.

[RayKay]

I think you're missing my point, Raykay. I do understand that there are couples that can have true, meaningful, loving sex prior to marriage and everything still works out. I'm just saying that there are usually more problems associated with couples that have sex prior to marriage than those that don't. I'll try to find a study on that and get back to you...

 

I don't think I am missing the point. I think those that failed, failed. Those that waited till they were married, were married so had more of a commitment to their vows in the first place - it does not mean their marriage is necessarily happier or more successful just because they waited. They just have more invested. Just as people who have sex before marriage, then get married, do.

 

If you read my post again, you will see that I think sex can "glaze" over issues or cause people to build something in their minds that is not there. But sex itself is not to blame if the relationship does not work. If they had NOT had sex, the incompatibilities would of still presented themselves at some point, maybe just sooner.

[RayKay]

Can you seriously RESPECT a person that would do that?? You might beable to trust the person, but would you respect them? If so, then maybe I see things differently... I just can't see any good that can come out of having sex so early on.

 

Sure you can. Why would I not "respect" someone for being intimate with me when we as adults both made that decision? Why would I hold their sexuality against them when it is something we are sharing together? It takes two...if you can't respect them for being intimate with you, then you should not be respecting yourself either.

 

Maybe it depends on how you determine "respect" but I don't base my respect on a person I choose to be with on whether they decide to have sex with me earlier, or later. They are still being exclusive with me, caring about MY feelings, why should I suddenly NOT respect them? The respect for them is there before I hop into bed with them, it is not determined afterwards.

 

I would ask you if you are not going to respect her for sleeping with you - why would you sleep with her in the first place knowing that ahead of time?

 

Every relationship moves at its own pace, it depends on the people involved. To say a few weeks is too early - well it might be for some couples, but for others it might not be.

[lifeiscash]

Every relationship moves at its own pace, it depends on the people involved. To say a few weeks is too early - well it might be for some couples, but for others it might not be.

 

I see what your saying, you have a great point. I choose to see it a little differently. I'm not focusing my argument of respect based on two adult couples, I'm making the referrence of the comment to not giving time to understand one another and not allowing yourselves to become truly "open" with one another before sexual intercourse happens. In just a couple weeks how can you respect the commitment of a relationship with a person who is going to sleep with you in less than 2 weeks. The sex in this case is more to fill a "void" rather than sexual desire because love takes time and is not just a "feeling". To have sex early on is disrespecting your relationship and in many cases cheating yourself because you are not giving yourself to the ability to experience true love.. which comes in time.

[kellbell]

I think it's based on a case by case basis. I waited a long time to have sex with one of my ex's (we messed around alot though) and the relationship was doomed from day one. It's hard to say now whether if I had sex with him earlier would make a difference. I have have a few one night stands and no regrets there and if I were to cross paths with these guys again in the future, I am sure things would be fine. My current boyfriend, whom I have been with over 3 years, I think we waited a few weeks after we started seeing each other.

I think it depends on what each person wants, the nature of the relationship, and sometimes personality comes into play too. Like if someone is very clingy and emotionally needy, hooks up with someone a little more independent and so forth, then yes, I think the relationship would be rocky and it can ruined. I think much of it depends on capatibilty. Also, age too may play a factor in it, maturity level. I can go on forever. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to your question. When different personalities and expectations come together, it's anyone's guess on what the outcome will be. Just my 2 cents. Interesting question by the way.

[RayKay]

Well explained kellbell, much how I feel about it.

 

lifeiscash - I guess what I am trying to say though is having sex early does not preclude developing true love or being "open" with one another. And waiting does not determine that love will remain. There are just too many variables at play - every person, and thereforeeee every couple, is entirely different from another.

[OceanEyes]

It all depends on the people involved, their approach, the communication involved, their compatibilities on all the other levels and the expectations, and ultimately the solidity that the relationship was meant to have regardless of whether they had sex early, or waited.

 

I agree with this completely! It really does just depend on the people involved. It doesn't guarantee that you're going to develop a long-term, happy relationship with a person, just because you hold out on having sex for 2 or 3 months (or however long).

 

Call me a "floozy", but I really don't see the point in waiting to have sex if the chemistry is there, and both parties are into it. My best relationship started off on a mainly sexual basis, and for over two years it hasn't been an issue at all.

 

The only time I'd say that it's not wise to jump into bed with someone, is if you already feel like there are compatibility issues, or if you're not totally comfortable with it. Otherwise, I think that sexual intimacy between two people who really 'click' can develop into a pretty passionate relationship in all facets.

[OceanEyes]

Any person who would 'lose respect' for a person who has sex with them early on is being really unfair and hypocritical. If you feel that it's demeaning to have sex with a person early in a relationship, then you shouldn't be doing it either.

[kellbell]

Thanks KayRay.

[shes2smart]

Personally, I always had more respect for a guy who would be up-front about what he wanted. If he just wanted to get laid and said so, I could deal with that. I might say yes, and I might say no, but I'd always respect the honesty.

 

What I can't respect is the guys who just wanna get laid AND DON'T JUST SAY SO. They'd go to all sorts of lengths to make a girl think there's a relationship (or potential relationship) there and hold it out like some sort of carrot-on-a-stick prize. I ran into far, far too many of those when I was single and dating.

 

I don't have respect for hidden agendas. Lie to me about what your real intentions are, and you'll lie about other stuff, too.

[Tylin]

I think it totally depends on the individuals in the relationship. People have different views on sex and what it should mean in a relationship.

 

My best friend can have early sex and one night stands and she loves it for the excitement, so it probably wouldn't ruin a relationship for her. I take it way too seriously because I was brought up in a religious home, so early sex would probably not be wise for me-- especially if my partner did not feel the same way about it.

[phillygal]

I've never really agreed with the casual sex thing. I mean I have a male friend who's been with his girlfriend for almost 2yrs, and because they slept together on the first date, he's still not sure if he would ever marry her. He admits he cares a lot about her, but it still bothers him how quickly she slept with him. I'm not basing that story on why I don't just jump into bed with someone I'm attracted too, but I never want any man I may be with in the future to have doubts like that about me. Also, for me I've only ever slept with someone I really liked and for me to really like a guy takes time. There have been some guys I've met that might have seemed really nice in the beginning but within 2 weeks of knowing them I wanted them out of my life and I woulda been mad at myself if I'd slept with guys like that. I just really think its better to wait. That way you have an idea of what kind of person you're dealing with, you know more about their hygiene and sexual habits and you probably would feel more comfortable and enjoy it more. Just my two cents.

[FCTex]

I had a 1.5 year relationship.

 

I met her at a party, slept in her bed and didnt have sex.

 

Then I talked to her for a week, took her out for valentines weekend, and we had sex on the first real date.... I worked fast.. We both had ALOT a physical attraction to each other.. And did for an extremely long time.

 

We had the best relationship I've ever had in my life.

 

So it varies.. It's from one couple to another...

[You_Dont_Know_Me]

I agree with the other people who stated that it depends on the people in the relationship.

 

I think if you begin the relationship, and you both agree on having sex - and at the moment you both wanted it, and you felt intimate with each other, and you felt that it was a special thing to do - then it's an okay thing and can possibly create a wonderful long lasting relationship.

 

Personally, my boyfriend and I had sex on like the first 'seeing'. We knew each other for awhile and trusted each other - talked on the phone all the time ... so it's not that I just recently met him. One day he came over and it just led to that and I've been in a wonderful 5.5 month relationship so far --- yeah, that's not to long, but oh well.

 

But, i think I relies on the people in the situation, maturity, and the circumstances going on.

[lifeiscash]

Ocean Eyes Wrote

Any person who would 'lose respect' for a person who has sex with them early on is being really unfair and hypocritical. If you feel that it's demeaning to have sex with a person early in a relationship, then you shouldn't be doing it either

 

Once again, I meant the relationship.. not the person.

 

 

I also agree it does depend on the person, it depends on their values and morals moreso as well. But in alot of cases sex disrupts things in a relationship and can cause alot of drama if the partners are not on the "same level". If so then it could be a great and wonderful thing. But with a girl I'm serious with, I'm going to wait and find out who she is before I go diving into something that can ruin or relationship from the get-go.