Taking a vow of celibacy when you've already had sex

[Pixiemeat]

I've been with my partner for over three years and during that time it's been a sexually active relationship. I am currently thinking of stopping all sexual activity between us and waiting until marriage. I've become more religious and think I should wait until marriage, and I'd like to think it would feel so much better if we were married. By that I mean that it would feel like 'ah, this is what we've waited for' when we're married. I have discussed it with him and he understands my dilemma (I honestly want to do the right thing by God) and is willing to abstain until marriage.

 

Is this a stupid idea? Has anybody done this before? How did you find it?

[sharkbait]

hey.

 

Im a christian and am still a virgin at 19 and plan to be until i get married. I think what you are doing is the right thing and i am happy to hear someone who is brave/bold enough to 'go that way'.

 

God loves you for what you are doing and that you have come to get to know him. I pray you walk with christ goes well

[BellaDonna]

I think as long as the 2 of you both agree on it, it's fine.

 

I have to say-I was with my husband several years before we tied the knot- if he just wanted to stop having sex one day when we had been all along- I would probably be very insulted. But that's just me.

 

It sounds like your guy is fine with it- so go with what feels right for the 2 of you.

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

I will say it seems...odd...to abstain now after three years together sexually. I don't know, it just seems strange.

 

I'd like to think it would feel so much better if we were married.

 

I am very curious as to why you feel this way. Sex itself is not instantly better by marriage, just as with other aspects of your relationship, your sexual relationship is developed over time and takes both of you communicating and working together. The only reason I may see you feel this way is right now due to your religion you feel guilty about sex. But I don't think marriage itself will make you "like" sex more if you are not very sexual now to begin with. It may make you feel more safe in the sense of in case you got pregnant, but sex in marriage and sex in a long term relationship both require communication and effort by both partners - neither of which is guaranteed just due to marriage.

 

I think perhaps you two should discuss it further and think about it further. I do understand you have religious reasons, but it just seems odd that you have decided NOW to change your mind, I recall a poster on here actually whose girlfriend did something similar a year or so before their marriage though I am not sure whatever happened there.

 

If he is truly okay with it though and you have talked about it, well, it is your choice to do or not. Just be aware that he may not yet really "realize" what that means, and you two will need to talk about what "abstaining" means - ie what is allowed, what is not. And be aware, he may not warm as quickly to the idea once it's in action.

 

Personally if my partner decided after a couple years he wanted to wait until we were married, I would feel rejected, insulted and rather hurt. But if he truly is okay with it, then it is a decision you two need to make.

[Beec]

First of all, you need to live with your conscience, no one else. If you having sex troubles your conscience, then you need to find a way to deal with it. Not having sex until you are married is one possible way. For some, it may be the only way.

 

I've been in a relationship where the other person decided not to have sex for a period of time. It was troubling to me, mostly because of when she told me, right after she was somewhat satisfied and I was without. But that does not seem to be the issue here. You've talked about it, you are together in dealing with it.

 

My only concern would be that you need to let your partner know a few things, and I would want the marriage not to be too far into the future. What you need to let him know is that you do and will want him. That it is not a lack of desire.

[shes2smart]

I knew a couple, she was in her late 20's, he was in his mid 30's. She had never been married, he was divorced from an early marriage. They dated a while & were sexually active. Then, amidst much drama, they broke up. Then he found God....she followed suit. They got back together. They decided to get married and were celibate from the proposal forward. They've been married for....5(?) years now, two kids, far as I know doing well.

 

As an aside: I know more about these people than I care to know. I worked with one of them, and that party had little understanding of where the line of "too much information" got crossed. My former co-worker was particularly vocal about finding God and the couple's decision to become celibate prior to marriage. It seemed like "too much information" to me, but they seemed to want to share the details of their intimate life with everyone. Having the voyeuristic tendancies I do (and having a very low drama factor in my life to boot) I got sucked in to the story more often than I care to admit.

[Vert]

There is nothing wrong with going "virgin" for a second time around, and I have actually done that myself after having two failed relationships that were based on sex for the most part. Many will not understand your stance on choosing to wait till marriage after you've already broken the seal, per say, but at least you know the reasons. It will be difficult since you are currently in a relationship that was based on sex, and even the best intentions are hard to keep after that. My ex-gf and I tried to stop having sex on a few occasions, but invariably one thing would lead to another and we'd have a marathon day to make up for the "lost time".

 

Anyway, I hope that things go well for you in this endeavor and that your current bf understands why you are doing it.

[BellaDonna]

Some counselors use celibacy as a way of helping struggling couples. I can see how it would make a couple learn a lot about the other person and re-evaluate the relationship. It would also be a test to show loyality. The couple would also be forced to show their affection in other ways which might be more "meaningful". They would appreciate it more whne they did finally become intimate. It would take on new meaning.

 

However with that said- I know it would never be something I'd go along with. Maybe I'm corrupt and shallow- but it wouldn't fly in my relationship.

 

Of course if my husband was ill, depressed, tired, etc...that's one thing- totally different (and falls under the vows for better or for worse) but I would not be happy if he just proclaimed he no longer wanted to have sex. We were together 8 years before marriage...that would be a long time to wait and I don't think I could handle it no matter how much I loved him. For me sex is right up there with food, water, and oxygen...I need it to survive. lol....

 

I was raised in a very religious home- yet I have never let my religion make me feel bad about my sexuality. You can find balance in both of these areas.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Day_Walker]

Regardless of what other people think you are the only one that has to live with the consequences of this decision. If you want to become celibate till marriage then do so. Just realize that your actions have consequences. I am also concerned about your partner, unless you find that he is going to become more religious there is going to be hardship in your relationship.

[Shdosnipa]

Me being only 16 years old, I am still in high school (Catholic High School) and a man by the name of Jason Evret came to speak on the subject of virginity, celibacy, and sexuality. According to him, the first time is sometimes either a mistake or an adventure. He says that it is possible to become celibate even if your not a virgin, and sometimes it's a great idea to do so. Evret also claimed that if your partner disagrees with you and wants to stay sexually active, that there may be something wrong with your relationship.

 

Anyways, thats just my two cents; good luck.

[DarknHandsome]

pixiemeat:

 

i dont think its a bad idea, infact im proud of you. You are doing what a lot of people wouldnt have the guts to do, putting your beliefs ahead of your physical wants. You believe sex before marriage is wrong, quitting it is showing your devotion to your faith and that shows character. I applaud your efforts, and congradulate you on reaching a new level of self-discipline.

[Gilgamesh]

As long as your both in agreement, thats all that matters.

[Pixiemeat]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

Abstaining is something I'm very keen to do, and something my partner agrees to, which is very understanding of him. I've had a couple of pregnancy scares in the last couple of months and it is really for that, but more importantly the faith issue, that I wish to abstain. It'll be hard, as we both have high sex drives, but I am thoroughly convinced that what I will be doing is right, and he is fully supportive, which is more than I could ask for.

 

Thanks again everybody.

[RayKay]

Well if he is fully supportive, then best of luck to you both

 

Just a question...when's the wedding..lol. That for me would be a LOOOONG wait!

[Vert]

Well if he is fully supportive, then best of luck to you both

 

Just a question...when's the wedding..lol. That for me would be a LOOOONG wait!

 

Why can't all women be sexual kittens like you, Raykay? 8)

[DarknHandsome]

i disagree, even if he was against it, whats more important? Your boyfriend or God? I mean if he loves you and wants to marry you, he should be able to cool it down for a little bit to respect your beliefs, if he cant, then what would that mean for your future? Theres more to life than just having tons of sex and fun and amassing all the money and possessions you can. I know I shouldnt be doing what i do with my gf, and i think i should go the same route. It will be hard as hell, but its the right thing to do. If she doesnt like it, well its just something she will have to cope with.

[BellaDonna]

Theres more to life than just having tons of sex and fun

 

Really?

 

I'm sorry- I'm a bad influence on this topic.

 

Honestly, I strongly admire anyone who has a strong faith and can take a vow of celibacy.

 

It's a personal decision. There are many people who wouldn't be able to do it though.

 

Pixiemeat, if both you and your BF are agreeing to do this then you should be commended.

 

BellaDonna

[jevonj77]

I want you to know that I am proud of your decision even though right now it is only in the mind. The days to come will prove wheter or not you can actually stick to this commitment.

 

I too am a Christian and am one that stongly believes in abstaining from sex before marriage. I let my current girlfriend know from the beggining that I do not believe in sex before marriage...fortunatly for me, she agreed. If she didn't of course, I would still make that decision. Of course I would understand if she wanted to leave me for this...and I would encourage her to do so, (that's why I told her at the beggining of our relationship) as I would not want her to be "suffering"...if you konw what I mean.

 

Yes staying away from sex before marriage is done, although by the way that the media is making things look, it would seem like it isn't done at all or that much.

 

Congratulations once more.

[Amannamederic]

oh god if someone has said this im sorry but PLEASE don't do this to him, i was in the perfect relationship, we had sex twice, just twice mind you.

 

She freaked and said no more

 

it absolutely BUTCHERED it, she kept teasing me with it, or maybe it was all in my head since any foreplay meant the possibility of sex...hell, it had meant the possibility of sex for months, my mind couldn't cope.

 

Call me a perv or whatever but you've gotta talk to him and make absolutely sure hes ok with it because it will be the end of the relationship if you just surprise him. Sex is just too important, this wuld be another story if you had never done it with him, but since you have...i just can't advise you enough to either talk to him...or try to ease him off of it.

[Amannamederic]

k took the time to read, hes in agreement, sounds like a grade-A boyfriend you have there...my bad...don't read my post

[DarknHandsome]

ya help him out with it, dont lead him on, dont talk about sex if you happen to talk dirty. Its like dangling meat infront of a hungry dog. Sadly it was your decision so you should count on yourself to carry it out. As a man i can say i am very weak when it comes to sex and being tempted in that regard.

[steveh27]

This subject has been a recent trauma for me. My girlfriend of 8 years, hit me with her thoughts 3 weeks ago of becoming a catholic missionary, taking a vow of celebacy outside of marriage, & not considering me for marriage. We had both thought we would end up married. Our relationship has had 2 parts, like night & day. The first 4 years together she was the pursuer & sexually aggressive. (We are older than most here, I'm now 55, she's 53.) The fact that she had been divorced 3 times gave me concern. The fear of a failing marriage has been one reason I've never married.

 

The last 3 or 4 years she has become a very active orthodox, conservative catholic. (I'm Presbyterian) This past year she teaches cathechism, and is studying at the seminary, going for a masters in pastoral studies. I may have helped push her into this by my hesitation. 2 Years ago she first brought up her guilt feelings of having sex out of wedlock. I asked to talk about marriage & she said she couldn't marry me as I'm not catholic. Unbelieveable. Twice more I tried to bring it up & was rebuffed. So, I let her 'put me on a shelf' & get together when she wished. We only live 2 miles apart. I'm semi-retired, she's a RN. Then she hit me with her decision.

 

I have at least persuaded her to reconsider breaking up. She now knows the status quo was not OK with me. I want a loving, caring realtionship (marriage) much beyond our recent past. I would also like the physical relationship of the first 1/2 not the second 1/2 of our time together. She said that even though she loved me & I was her best friend, I was not spiritual enough. She did not give me a chance to let her know my spirituality. I have agreed to go to church every week, alternating between hers & mine. She cannot come to mine because she teaches cathechism every Sun before mass. I also agreed to take a RCIA catholic class for intitiation with the clear understanding I will not convert from my church. We went to her counselor at my request. I want work hard for this woman, but she must make me feel loved.

 

I feel like she has been kidnapped by a cult & brainwashed. Sorry if that upsets anyone, but I'm hurting.

 

She says there may be a future together, but I would have to change, we would have to have at least a 12 month engagement, and there would be no sex until married. Even then, would we have the relationship I want or would I end up miserable in a situation I didn't expect. We both know we need to communicate better & are working on that.

 

This is very difficult. When we're together now she does put more effort into making me feel loved, but I find her sensual and get turned on. This is killing me. I never thought I'ld feel like this again at my age. I think this realtionship has a lot to overcome.

[NottageHill]

I m not a religious person. I dont believe in buddhism, though that is mainly our culture's religion.

I dont believe in christianity, or any of those type of religion.

 

I believe there is a greater being, that someone i can confide to. Some one i can thank too and someone i can ask questions to, even though i know i wont get any answer.

 

My perspective is that you should also consider your partner's view. How long till your marriage? Will he be ok with it? Can he last without having second thoughts and emotions on the whole celibacy, especially if you both have a high sex drive.

 

A relationship should be a compromise between the partners, whether it be a business or personal.

 

Wanting celibacy is good, and i do commend you on such a decision,but have you thought what your partner might want? Will he really be ok with it? Will he regret his decision later? If so what will happen to your relationship?

 

Also consider this important aspect: What is sex to both of you in the relationship? Is it a neccesity? Is it an accessory?

 

just my 2 cents

[steveh27]

In case I wasn't clear, I disagree with this statement, "Wanting celebacy is good". Sexual intimacy is an important part of a relationship/marriage. After having been intimate for a long time it is not a positive development to withhold that from the togetherness. I would expect the guy to go along with some protestations, because what else is he going to do. The final decision is not his. But he will be hurting & suffering. It may lead to ending what could have been the greatest marriage in the world.

[mccarleighp]

i have not none it before but i think u would find it alot more harder then the people that have never done it and waited because they dont no what they r missing u do