My fiancee of 2 years left me yesterday.

[The Great Unwanted]

I see!

 

As I said its a hard slog - but worth the try?

 

If you feel THIS negative on the whole thing, then maybe a new start is the only answer.

 

I'm betting I'm not the only one to suggest this - beside your parents (which I'm sorry to hear, have given you a bad time!)

 

Maybe you guys need a longer separation.....she needs time to respect you!

 

She has had the time to 'miss you' - now she needs the time to sort her emotional control out.

 

Whats the news on the prospective counselling she suggested?

[NewPhillyGuy]

On the counseling, she did find someone who is willing to do couples. She has her first appointment on the 8th of this month. After a number of appointments (she didn't say how many), she's supposed to invite me along to do couples.

 

This morning she said she didn't want to talk to me ever again and hung up, so who knows now. It's almost laughable because she's so off the wall!

[The Great Unwanted]

Hang in there!

 

I think if you leave her to call you when she is ready - things will be easier.

 

She probably wants your communication, but you would be better giving her the opportunity to come back when she is ready.

 

I'm sure she will - thats what girls do - sometimes - LOL

 

No, seriously............If she thinks she can pick you up and drop you at a moments notice, she will - so don't play that game.

 

Do you want to go to the sessions?

 

(also I'm assuming you live in Philly, USA - Am I right?)

[NewPhillyGuy]

I would be willing to go to the sessions, yes.

 

And no way in hell am I calling her. I'm going to wait for her to call me, and I'm sure she will.

 

Yes, I live right outside of Philly.

[The Great Unwanted]

Its good that you'll do the sessions - as long as she knows that, she'll come round!

 

What time is it over there (I live in Kent, UK)?

 

Its 14:50 here at the time of sending this message.

 

So lets talk positive stuff for a bit - take your mind off of the bad stuff.......

 

How did you 2 meet?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I don't think I want to go down that road right now.

 

I just can't seem to think positively about the situation at the moment. This month has been a nightmare, starting with when she moved out of our apartment without warning. I was stupid enough to think maybe she realized she was wrong. I thought maybe her leaving and then realizing how irrational she was acting would be enough to shock her into thinking differently. I thought she would miss me like crazy and that would turn it all around. She does act like she misses me greatly, but what I saw last night was more of the same that got us into trouble in the first place. It turns out not much has changed.

[The Great Unwanted]

OK!

 

She really has left a 'black mark' on you, eh?

 

well, it looks to me like you should apply your attention elsewhere - she chose to leave you - so why should you feel guilty?

 

You know she has a condition - you know things won't change - not without more pain in the future..............

 

Is it worth it?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I try not to feel guilty, but I do admit that lots of people have been trying to make me feel that way. In some of my earlier posts, I talked about how her family has been blaming her problems on me for some time. Whenever we had an argument, her parents found out about it because she called her mother. My ex always said that I argued with her alot and I made her angry. The truth is that she's an angry person, and the fact that she has bipolar attests to this. I feel guilty sometimes, because her family has definitely gone out of their way to cut me down and make me feel responsible for her problems. The things they said to me are downright wrong. Just this morning, she told me she would not be able to concentrate on a college exam because I did not seem accepting of her anger last night. Does that make any sense whatsoever!? I spent 3 hours last night taking a verbal beating from my father, told her I needed her, and she just abandoned me.

 

I guess I thought with time, help, and medication she would change. Maybe she will, but just not this fast. Perhaps this is just not worth waiting for?

[The Great Unwanted]

Unfortunately, that is a question ONLY you can answer.

 

Its not fair that you should be held accountable for a condition that is quite clearly nothing to do with you. If anything, you are probably doing her some good - Jeez, there are few that would take such a 'roasting' from a woman like that.

 

You are a soldier - definitely!

 

What do you do as a day job? - is it being affected?

 

Also, you have to look at this in a different light.............You asked if she was coming back to you because she loves you or because she is scared to be alone - what about you......are you scared to be alone.....which is making you take all the punishment?

 

Its a hard question to have to answer - but needs some thought?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I'm an IT consulting for a large bank. Yes, it is definitely affecting me. I have an anxiety/panic condition that robs me of concentration when in situations like this. When I get into a relationship where I am being mistreated, it's like I go bezerk. I get very depressed at times but at other times just nervous. I can't seem to concentrate on anything but I can't sit still. I don't get angry or anything, but I just feel like I can't focus on anything.

 

Maybe it is because I'm afraid of losing grip of the good times, because she did gave me many good memories. We were engaged, and I thought she was the one. She was definitely very different (in a good way) from other girls I dated. I guess I'm afraid I may not find another lady with her good qualities. I definitely can do without the bad ones!

[The Great Unwanted]

I can relate to that!

 

You get all the grief, yet you want to preserve what was good about it all!

 

Has her condition been there from the start, or has this developed through your time together?

 

IT Consulting - cool! - I am an Account manager for an Internet Security firm. See here: link removed

 

Its hard to imagine - but you should try going on a date with another girl - one who interests you - not someone 'just for the hell of it'!

 

Hard as it may seem, it will make you focus away from what is hurting you and possbly show you that there is light on the other side of the tunnel.

 

Question is - what answer do you want to hear? that you should stay with her, or that you should leave well alone?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I definitely do think I have been looking for the answer I want to hear. For a while, that answer was that I wanted to tough it out because I love her so much.

 

The reality of the situation is that she left me. Her parents hate me because of her. My parents do not like her and will probably terrorize me as long as I am seeing her. She's not capable of being a good partner for me because of how she acts. I could try to do it, but it would be a lot of heartache and sufferring. Maybe I just need to learn to just let go. Maybe I should try out the counseling? I'm sure I can find better than this! I should hope this girl is not my only hope for happiness in this world! How sad that would be!

[The Great Unwanted]

She won't be!

 

I know a few people that are in their 40's - 50's even - and they tend to meet new people and date alot!

 

If anything it's taught me that the world is a big place - the possibilities are endless!

 

I think you want to think that you can save the good stuff of the relationship - but your heart knows that she will only cause you harm.

 

You don't want to hear this but..........time to let go, right?

 

Again, I can't make that decision for you - but you know the right answer - whether you like it or not.

 

I'm sorry!

[NewPhillyGuy]

Having not heard from her all morning, I gave her a call about 30 minutes ago. It was stupid of me, but I know how emotional she gets, and wanted to see what was going on.

 

She sounded depressed on the phone. I asked her why she got angry this morning, and she said she was just mad at everyone. I asked her if she meant what she said, and she said no. I then asked why she never called me back to say so, and she said she was still mad. She said she was glad that I took the initiatve to call her. It almost felt like she was waiting for me to call her.

 

I went on to explain to her that this was a hurtful situation as is, and that I couldn't handle the pain of her leaving plus additional arguments and anger over nothing. She said that I expected her to change overnight, and that maybe she needed more time. I said to her that I have been doing everything in my power to show her that I love her, but I felt that I was getting nothing return but excuses and pleads to wait for her longer. I said this is not how a real loving relationship should be. She said well what about Sunday? Did you feel my love then? She said what about this and that and that? Yes, it's true that I felt her love many times, but the bad times greatly outnumber the good! I said that I just couldn't handle the uncertainty, her selfishness. All I wanted was to hear her voice last night, and she ignored me, yelled, and went to sleep. That's not real love. I told her it was for the best that we not speak.

 

NC, my old friend, here we go again. Let's hope I can be stronger this time.

[NewPhillyGuy]

She snapped back into action again. She keeps emailing and calling me to say she will change. She just needs to get some counseling under her belt, and she doesn't want to throw it all away.

 

I keep telling her I want it to end and that I need to move on, but she keeps telling me that I'm wrong for throwing it all away.

 

Are you guys tired of hearing about this drama already?

[Hope75]

Hi NPG,

 

I am sorry that this is such a yoyo trip for you.

 

Of course she is all action now-- she's scared to lose you again. The thing is, when she gets you back in her grasp, she goes right back to her volitile old ways. It's the same sad story every time. The sad fact is, if she wanted to change, she would have been making some sincere efforts already, (when you were willing to come back!) and not once she acted like a brat and you backed off again.

 

Don't let her play these mind games with you. Your list of reasons why it won't work is more than enough to end this for good. Block her from your email and phone, and be done with it.

 

You are not going to find happiness with her, but if you cut it clean and give yourself some time, you have a good chance of finding happiness with someone stable who shows you they love you and treats you with respect, and doesn't pull this crazy back and forth act she does.

[The Great Unwanted]

Hey man!

 

Its gonna be a hard slog - and thats what this website is for, to support others.

 

If people get sick of hearing it - then they shouldn't be here!

 

It sounds like you've been saying the right things - you have said that it is too hard to keep on taking the agro from her, and that the therapy HAS to start before you can even think of returning to her side.

 

As long as you stick by your guns, she will pull through......just don't confuse her by changing your requests to her - make sure that the counselling is in place before you review the situation.

 

You gonna be ok buddy?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I know that I am definitely guilty of some back and forth with her, but it's only because I'm not yet detached from the situation. It has only been a month, and she is most definitely to blame for alot of this. In the first place, she moved out of our apartment and then emailed me to say she still wanted to marry me about 3 times! What gives?

 

I did want for her to change so badly, and there was a point when I thought I would wait it out for her and see how things go. However, should I do that to myself? She has already proven to me that it's going to be a long and painful process, because of her severe mood swings. She told me yesterday in an email that she is committed to me. However, the night before she didn't even want to talk. That morning she "hated me and didn't want to speak ever again." Should I keep hanging on by a fraying thread of hope because of yet another promise that has been preceeded by a millon broken ones?

 

You really stuck it to me yesterday, and I'm glad you did. The truth is that I am very afraid. I had some wonderful times with her and even her family too! I liked her so much, because when she is in a good mood, she can be the most wonderful, genuine, sweet and caring girl. Just the other night she started singing to me on the phone. It was this silly love song she made up and used to sing to me when I was upset about something. Her family once made me feel like their own son. I used to spend every weekend there when I was in college. When I got into a very bad car accident and could not afford another car for a while, her dad let me use his car to come see them until I could afford another. I guess I just have so many positive memories with all of them that I'm afraid to let go, because I'm afraid that I will never find that again.

 

The reality of the situation now is that my girl is a basket case. She doesn't know right from left, and is continually bouncing my emotions around. I learned from reading and talking to people that she could be like this for the rest of her life. All of the medication and therapy in the world will help, but she will never be stable like anyone else. I was willing to take on that challenge. I got mad at times. There were even times when I threatened that I would break up with her and kick her out because she was so mean. I never actually did any of them. I did not mean any of it. I was just so mad and scared that she would hurt me so much and so often. She was the one who picked up and left, and now she is throwing everything back in my face. She says she left because I was mean! She says she left because of me everything.

 

Her family now hates me, because of how she lied to them about everything. I went from being their 2nd son and beloved friend to the guy who ruined their daughter. They went from praising me to criticizing my every move. At least a few times a week when we were living together, I heard her and her mother putting me down all because she was in denial about her problems. She was always angry because "he makes me this way."

 

I guess I want SO BADLY to have back those good times, but the truth is that they are dead right now. I guess I'm just hanging on to the memories of the good times so tight, because I'm afraid I will never find that again.

[NewPhillyGuy]

She called me about an hour ago. She went on again about how she was sorry for calling me at work, because I had asked her not to after we broke up because I wanted to keep my concentration. Truth is that she has been doing it every single day!

 

We started to talk, and then she comes out of nowhere saying that she heard irritation in my voice. I said I wasn't irritated, but just tired of all the back and forth. So she's like sorry I bothered you and hangs up. I call her back and she doesn't pick up. I try again in 30 minutes, and she doesn't answer. I just left her a message saying to call me back if she needed anything and that I wasn't mad.

 

I do not understand why she is calling me in the first place if she's just going to play this game each time. What the hell is she doing this for? It's so damn annoying!

[nataliejulie]

Games. We're all too old to play monopoly.

 

Sounds to me that you are keeping strong, holding your ground and she doesn't like it. I think all the things she is saying, especially that thing she did with hanging up and not picking up your phone... then you call back.. it's almost as reassurance that you love her. And she likes it.

 

It looks like as soon as you are aloof and act your own person, she pulls some stunt to throw you off balance. Soon after, she tries to get some type of reaction out of you -- the reaction that you want her back, you miss her and you love her.

 

I say keep showing that you are moving forward with your life, that you are on your own and DON'T REACT to her game play. See what she does then.. then you'll know her intentions.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Yeah, that's good advice. She's just really so damn annoying!

 

I mean it's not like I broke up with her. She's the one who left me, and then she's starting this crap. This bipolar stuff is behind this, I'm sure.

 

It just makes me so damn furious that my feelings and my time are worth so little to her. I'm struggling so hard with my job to do well and get people at the company to like me. I'm young and new to the work world, and I want to make a good life for myself and eventually a family.

 

All she knows how to do is play these stupid, idiotic, immature games! Call then hang up! I love you! I hate you don't talk to me again! What kind of person calls you sounding upset, then sits there and watches you call back 3 times and allows their ego to build!? She is lucky she's 80 miles away from me now, because were she closer, I'd go right over there and tell her off! She's nothing but a messed up manipulator and a total nuisance in my life! She's already done enough to destroy me, and now she has to drag it out and play on what feelings I still have left for her!

[nataliejulie]

She's getting what she emotionally needs out of you. Stop that! Save it for yourself. Don't give her that satisfaction, she gave that up when she dumped you.

I'm telling you to just plain out stop acting ANY emotion what so ever when you speak to her. If she starts that crap again, tell her, she gave up the chance to hear and feel what she wants to hear and feel the day she dumped you. In a nice way of course You have enough on your plate right now, a new door is opening and she keeps slamming it shut on you. Don't give her the upper hand. Be an adult and send the child to her room!

[NewPhillyGuy]

Yeah, I definitely need to take a breather on this. I'm really so not the angry get all enraged type. I guess I tend to be too patient with people.

 

All of this has been making me wonder what exactly I should look for in a woman. I have been obviously going for all the wrong ones. This is actually the second time with a girl who has major mental problems. The last relationship before this girl was with someone in college who had ADHD. She was a nightmare. She was much more physically abusive.

 

I don't get how I keep finding these messed up girls!

[RayKay]

Yeah, I definitely need to take a breather on this. I'm really so not the angry get all enraged type. I guess I tend to be too patient with people.

 

All of this has been making me wonder what exactly I should look for in a woman. I have been obviously going for all the wrong ones. This is actually the second time with a girl who has major mental problems. The last relationship before this girl was with someone in college who had ADHD. She was a nightmare. She was much more physically abusive.

 

I don't get how I keep finding these messed up girls!

 

Maybe looking at "how" is a very good step right now.

 

I think when we find ourselves repeatedly in relationships with people whom end up displaying the same characteristics/personalities which hurt us, it is time to also look into ourselves and why we choose them. Sometimes we don't know beforehand, but sometimes they do share certain things that attract us in the first place.

 

One possible reason is that you like playing the role of the rescuer - the knight in shining armour. It makes you feel good to be there for someone, to see through their faults, to help them up. Sadly though, these relationships tend to fail, because the rescued like to be rescued and when you can no longer do that, or they realize they can't be, well, it ends badly. For you it seems to lead to abusive situations. Because people only can save themselves as you should know. If they don't find the power to do it themselves, they will never really grow and learn.

Perhaps someone whom does not NEED you scares you, I don't know.

 

 

That's just one idea, it could be something totally different - but looking into YOU might help you find out some answers.

[NewPhillyGuy]

In both cases, I did not see it coming at all. Both presented themselves as very sweet, nice, and caring girls. The latest did seem a little immature in certain ways, but she was very mature in others.

 

The bipolar only really started to show later on in the relationship. I was already head over heels with her, and I didn't want to run because she had a problem. I wanted to be there for her! I encouraged her to get counseling and medication. The problem was that she never really accepted it as her problem. She always blamed someone else for making her depressed or angry (typically me), and that's why I believe she could not get better. She felt no responsibility in herself to acknowledge the problem and make an effort to change. She just took pills and told her mother I made her mad all the time.

 

It's funny that you mention the rescuer thing. My dad told me the same thing about myself. It's not like I go around looking for people with problems and then try to save them. It's just that if I happen to be in love with someone and this stuff comes up, I can't just run from it. I can't just disconnect and detach myself like some robot.

 

I personally think this can be a good quality. I really do care about people, and when the right girl comes along, she and I will be very happy.