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My fiancee of 2 years left me yesterday.


NewPhillyGuy

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Hi, Everyone. I'm new to the forum. I've found that telling this sad experience over and over helps me to feel better. I'm not sure why, but I hope all of you won't mind listening to my story.

 

I met my EX a few years ago on the Internet actually. We only talked online at first. That progressed to long phone conversations and we eventually agreed to meet at a mall to hang out. We were very much into each other, and had a great time on the first real date. That led to a 2nd, a 3rd, and a 4th date, and we turned into a couple soon after.

 

Once we were officially together, things started to get rocky. My ex was different. She always seemed to get angry with me over little things. Sometimes, she would get so mad that she would scream at me and in the worst cases hit me or throw things. This happened months into the relationship, and I was still so much into her that I didn't want to give up. I kept going out with her often, and we had both good times and bad. I just kept rolling with the punches as things got worse. At about 6 months, I told her that I loved and she said the same back. Our relationship continued on, but the fighting got worse. It got to the point that we couldn't have a phone conversation without her screaming at me. I was getting very insecure. I didn't know what the problem was. A friend had told me it was maybe her way of trying to scare me off, but when she was nice, she was always so nice.

 

Months from then, we started to talk about engagement. I was in love with her, and I thought no matter what her problem was, we could work it out. I encouraged her to go to counseling, and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. No one was surprised, because her mom has this condition also. I stood by her side through good and bad, and we eventually got engaged.

 

We eventually moved in together, and we lived together for one year. She stopped throwing things and only hit me sometimes, but the screaming did not end. We lived in an apartment complex, and she would scream no matter what time of day or night it was. It drove me nuts, because we had neighbors who heard everything. She would scream about almost anything and everything. I used to be able to just give her a hug, and she would calm down. It got to the point however that I was tired of it and bitter. I would just ignore her, ask her to go outside to cool off, or I would threaten to end the relationship.

 

Things got really bad for me, because she started to call her mother whenever we had an argument. Her mother would then ask to speak to me, and basically told me I shouldn't say anything that mad her angry. It got to the point that I wasn't sure how to say anything, because I was afraid of her. I also started to close off to her. I wasn't as loving and emotional as I used to be. I ignored her more. I was so frustrated, hurt, and upset that she did this and additionally that she told her mother. Her mother always accused me of wanting to be right all the time and that I mistreated her daughter.

 

My ex threatened to leave me in her angry fits many times. On a few occasions, she drove off to her parents but came back a few days later. Yesterday, she left for good. I was so afraid for her when I found out she drove off again, so I called her mother. Her mother said she's never coming back to me again, because of how I mistreated her. Her mother said I'm the reason for her daughter's problems, and that she would never allow the two of us to even speak again.

 

I am devastated. I am alone now. I'm trying to see the bright side, but I just can't at times. My ex was really hurting me, but I still loved her. I knew she had problems, but I was willing to just keep loving her. I wasn't perfect at it. I keep telling myself maybe if I would have hugged her more, said I love you more, done something different, this would not have happened. I would still have her. Now, I have nothing.

 

Does anyone have any good advice for me?

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Her mother is in denial about her daughter. But you have seen the light - or should have.

 

Never, ever, stay with anyone who abuses you - especially if they hit you. It is irrelevant whether she is bi-polar or not. She made a decision to hit you because you were available and she knew she could get away with it.

 

i bet she didn't hit her boss, or police officers who may have given her a ticket. Unless she was hitting and abusing everybody around her - she knew exactly what she was doing. Bi-polar is absolutely no excuse.

 

You are one hundred per cent better off without this abusive woman in your life.

 

It is a good thing her mother will allow no contact - at least be thankful for that.

 

I know it is tough when you love someone - but the hard fact is that you loved the wrong person.

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It's just hard for me, because her mother really drilled it into my head that it was all my fault. Everytime we had an argument, she got on the phone with me and told me I was the cause of everything. That went on for a year. The day we broke up, she told me the same thing again + she would never allow me to talk to my ex.

 

I reread an email my ex wrote me a few weeks back, and she told me she felt I didn't care for her. I don't get it? I loved her so much, but I just found it hard to hug and tell her I loved her all the time after the things she said and did to me. I just felt like she's the one who owed me some comfort.

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I agree with DN.

 

It's the best thing that could happen to you.

 

You couldn't continue to go through life in a relationship like that. Life's for living not being afraid of your partner!

 

You deserve somebody better.

 

Take care of yourself.

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Hey Phillyguy,

 

That is a very difficult situation you are coming from. I know it hurts, especially the mind-numbing thoughts like 'if only I had... I would still have her'. You could NEVER have caused her to be bipolar nor could you have avoided the consequences of it or stop this illness.

 

I am sorry for your pain. I know love is not always controllable-- most of the times it's not-- you will have to find a way to come to terms with the break up, but I agree with DN, it is probably for the best that she left you and that you can't contact her now.

 

Take care, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

Ilse.

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It's just hard for me, because her mother really drilled it into my head that it was all my fault. Everytime we had an argument, she got on the phone with me and told me I was the cause of everything. That went on for a year. The day we broke up, she told me the same thing again + she would never allow me to talk to my ex.

 

I reread an email my ex wrote me a few weeks back, and she told me she felt I didn't care for her. I don't get it? I loved her so much, but I just found it hard to hug and tell her I loved her all the time after the things she said and did to me. I just felt like she's the one who owed me some comfort.

 

Take this to the bank:

 

It was not your fault.

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I believe her mother takes it out on you because she wants to blame SOMEONE for this situation (or even for all the misery in her life). She got to you when you were in an utterly vulnerable state, which is why it felt like the truth to you. It is not the truth. This is beyond what you could have ever changed or avoided to happen.

 

Please keep reading and writing here, before you go to sleep, when you wake up, whenever you need. There are always people on line, even when most people in the states are sleeping there are at least some UK people and one Dutch person (yeah, me ) willing to listen and help where possible.

 

Things will get better.

 

Ilse.

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Thanks so much, everyone. This feels so terrible. One second I feel like I'm getting stronger and learning to deal with this, but the next I feel like crying. I'm having trouble concentrating at work and difficulty sleeping. I haven't been hungry in two days, but I force myself to eat regular meals.

 

I'm trying to figure out how to get through it all. I've called a psychologist to get some counseling, and I have been on the phone with family and friends alot. I normally spent most of my time with her, so I'm dreading this weekend, because I know I'm going to be alone the whole time. I'm trying to figure out what things I can do to take my mind off of her.

 

Part of the problem is that my apartment is full of her stuff. She said she would come to get it all "some Saturday." I don't know how long I can handle seeing all of her things for and being reminded of her. I've already taken down all of the pictures, and I'm going to start tonight to pack some things up.

 

Wish me luck. Please keep posting to me. I need friends now more than ever.

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Pack her stuff up and either ship it to her or put it in storage. Don't let her dictate to you how things are managed from here on in.

 

You sound as if you have a plan. Is there any way you can spend the weekend away with friends? If not, get out as much as you can, talk to friends on the phone or get on here.

 

You have done nothing for which you need reproach yourself except love the wrong woman.

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Agree with DN. Get that girl out of the picture. It will help you so much more to get rid of those reminders of her in your apartment. Don't give her a reason to come back.

 

Call your apartment complex, have her taken off the lease (if shes on it) and change the locks. If she comes by, tell her to leave and if she doesnt call the cops and or get a restraining order. If she has no problem hitting a loved one, than I doubt she'd have no problems doing other, more painful things to you as well.

 

What a nightmarish psycho dude. F her and her mom. You'll be happy as hell in no time at all man, like DN said, go out with your buddies and talk to people who care about YOU and your well being, not hers.

 

Good luck and I am sorry to hear about what happened.

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Hey guys. I just got done throwing away alot of the key things I knew would upset me: pictures, stuffed animals, letters, notes, etc.

 

I was feeling great for a while. My parents invited me for dinner, and my dad spent alot of time talking about her. He was saying that she seemed like a normal person, and she really did whenever she was not here in our apartment. I don't understand how a person who said she loved me so much and wanted to marry me could only do those horrible things to me.

 

I start my counseling tomorrow night. I just hope to get out of this soon.

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That was my point from earlier - if she can act like a normal person around your dad she could have acted like a normal person around you. But she chose not to - she chose to be abusive and nasty. Don't give her the opportunity to choose to do it to you again.

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Words cannot express how sorry I am to hear of your situation. You've been in an abusive relationship for so long that you are physically, mentally and spiritually worn down. Of course you are going to feel like crap. Especially since this girl who is BIPOLAR and the one with the massive problem has left you. Her mother who is ALSO BIPOLAR as you have mentioned said to you that it was all your fault. Can you see the absolute absurdity of it all? F**ked up people always tend to blame others for their problems. Are you any less of a good person, a caring person a loving person because these two f**ked up people have told you so? A resounding NO! Of course not!

 

I should also say (as you probably know deep down inside) no one should ever, EVER hit another person or verbally abuse them (even if you are a girl!). Your ex-fiance has done some despicable deeds and it sickens me.

 

You need to seek help immediately. Go to a counsellor and just talk it out. Your ex has done a number on you and you cannot blame yourself for her illness. Being with a person who is bi-polar is practically impossible. Even if you were a saint, to endure the abuse a person can put forth (even if they have no control over it) is impossible.

 

Take care

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Morning, Everyone.

 

I am going to see a psychologist tonight. I only cried about this breakup once, but I have a feeling that I'm going to let it all out tonight at the session. I hope it will help to release all of these feelings inside.

 

I just finished reading an article on this site about resisting the urge to call your ex after a breakup. It talked about in so much detail about the fear of being alone and abandonement that drives those urges. I feel like I have been abandoned by her, and I definitely am afraid of being alone. I just don't know how I'm going to pass the weekends all by myself.

 

I graduated from college a year ago. I went to school far from home, and my friends from school are nowhere near me. I still do live in my hometown, but my old friends hardly talk to me. We grew apart when we all went to different colleges. I tried to get together with them when I was still in the relationship, but it seemed like no one wanted anything to do with me. I think it was because most of them were still single, and they thought I was boring because I was settled.

 

I've thought about moving back in with my parents. (I'm 23.) I also thought about moving closer to my job, because I drive 55 miles one way to work, but I realized it may be worse because I have no family near my workplace. I'm thinking maybe a change of scene would help. Our apartment is full of bad memories. Last night, I did manage to get rid of all pictures, love letters, anything that reminded me of her, but I'm sure I missed something here or there. I dread the moment that I accidentally find that something and get emotional.

 

I'm at work now, and my concentration is getting better. The final phase of this will be when her parents contact me to come get her things. I will have to face going through her things and being reminded of her and also the pain of seeing her parents. They used to be so nice to me, and I considered them a 2nd set of parents for me. Her mother has changed, as I mentioned before, and it's going to infuriate me to see her and remember the horrible things she said. I hope I can handle it all.

 

I need ideas of what to do on weekends to keep my mind off this. Can you guys send some thoughts my way?

 

Thanks again for everything.

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I can totally understand the pain and frustration you are feeling. You have to believe the fact that with time you will be much better off. Sounds like this woman was only bringing you down, and it would have only gotten worse. If your afraid of being alone then maybe that's just what you need. Sure nobody likes being alone but you have to be able to live with yourself before you can live with anyone else.

 

I dated a woman with bi-polar disorder several years ago. It was only for a few months and she wasn't abusive. She was however different to say the least. She stopped taking her medication and got really weird. Wouldn't come out of the house, slept a lot, always tired. I did a lot of research on bi-polar and it is in most cases hereditary. Her mother knows this and is placing the blame on you because she feels guilty about her daughter suffering from the same illness as herself and she is unwilling to accept the fact. It's the easy way out for her. It's nobodys fault for developing an illness like this. Don't beat yourself up over what her mother has said to you, it isn't true.

 

All the stuff around you apartment that reminds you of her needs to be put away and out of sight. That's where you need to start. I dealt with the same thing in my last relationship. She left 3 times in 2.5 years and everytime she left I told her to get her stuff out (all of it) as soon as possible, and if I seen something that reminded me of her I would hide it from my sight. It's hard to block out your feelings for someone with all the constant reminders around you.

 

As far as what to do on the weekends I'd advise you to get out of your apartment. Just being there is a reminder all by itself. Go to a bar, go for a drive, just try to be around people for the time being. I didn't want to be alone either when my ex left me and I felt rather abandoned too. Now that some time has passed I feel a whole lot better about being by myself. I was alone when I met her and I was fine with it. So I figure there's no reason I should dread being alone now. I actually kind of like it. Give it time and you'll feel better and you'll realize just how far down this woman was bringing you. Just be thankful she didn't bring you down any further.

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Thanks so much for that advice. I read on this site that I should be planning on Fri/Sat nights for the next month to avoid allowing my mind to wonder. My parents want me to come home for a few days, and they even asked me if I wanted to move back home. I was also thinking that I need to learn be alone. I don't want to run and hide from myself, and then get smacked with my fears when I eventually need to face them.

 

I'm having one of those difficult moments right now. I'm at work trying to concentrate on getting things done. I'm a consultant for a large bank, and the work that I do is very detail-oriented and requires alot of concentration. I also give alot of presentations, and I might have to do one this morning to a small group of people. I don't know if I can keep my focus and composure.

 

I'm also thinking alot about my counseling appointment tonight. I know that it's going to be good for me, but I dread how I'm going to need to relive everything as I explain it. I know I'm going to be balling my eyes out, and it just scares me so much. I don't know why.

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What just happened definitely did not help me at all!!

 

So I'm here at work trying to keep myself together, and her mother calls my cell phone. I picked up, and she was crying. She told me that my ex left a receipt for something on her desk in my apt, and asked me if I could look for it tonight. I said that I would, and I would leave it somewhere for them to come and get tomorrow.

 

Her mother started telling me that she loved me and started sobbing. She said she was going to miss me so much, and she hated that it all worked out that way. I asked how my ex was doing, and she said she was doing OK but was upset about leaving me also. I said I regretted that it had to be that way, but I wasn't able to give my ex the comfort that she needed all the time, especially when she was angry with me so frequently.

 

I don't understand how her mom could say such horrible things to me on Tuesday and then cry to me on Thursday???

 

I was tempted to say I wanted to try to work it out with her and that I wanted to come up and see her. I held myself back, and realized that there would be no point. We were dating for a period when she was still living at home, and she acted the same way towards me. She was always angry, always yelling, but she was much worse when she was at home. I suspect it was because her mother is bipolar also, and she could get very bad also at times.

 

I told her mother that I loved her back, and that I would miss her company. I ended the phone call, and immediately called my mom to try and get help holding the tears back.

 

They are coming to get all of her things next Saturday. I know that day will be difficult as hell.

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you know that you're going to have up days and down days man. see it as a process. relish the moments of calm and contentment and learn from the moments of despair. it sounds like you've done the right thing, the only reasonable thing, in getting away from her. and apparently you're doing all that you can do now, with maybe one exception: do everything to avoid all contact with her, her family and friends for a good long while. that just keeps stirring up the pot of bad feelings, and you need to heal. as far as concentrating at work, yeah, that's a tough one. i'm having the same problem, and it's been almost a month of no contact for me. i find that vigorous exercise helps a lot. meditation too--learn to live in the moment. also beginning each day by telling yourself that it's going to be a good day, and giving yourself little things to look forward to each day--like lunch with a friend, a movie, a bike ride, whatever you happen to enjoy.

 

the thing i hated most about my most recent breakup--worst i ever had; see my previous posts if interested; all comments welcome--is that i lost a friend in the process. i'm hoping to get to a point where i can contact her once more just to say a sort of proper goodbye, smooth out the break up and the bad feelins for myself--not to ask anything of her or to try to get back together, but to help myself move on and feel like i've done right. i'm just not sure when i'll be ready to do that. (when i don't have any ulterior motives, i guess.) maybe that's something you'll want to consider doing too at some point. hang tough.

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I don't think I could ever get back together with her again. I just don't trust her. She treated me so badly, lied to her family to make me look bad, and just the way she left on Tuesday morning. She was angry as usual when I left for work, but I thought I would call her from work that morning and she would be fine. This has happened so many times. When I called her, she was going nuts. She just kept hanging up on me. She wouldn't say a word to me. I could tell she was just getting more and more mad everytime I called. I knew in my heart that this was it. She didn't even need to say it to me. I knew she was leaving for good. I didn't know why she thought leaving me would fix her problem, probably because her mother had her convinced I was the reason for her anger.

 

I don't feel like I owe her an apology for anything. I can't ever see myself trying to smooth things over. I took good care of her. She was still in school, and I worked 60 miles from our apartment. She had no money to pay bills because she was still in school, so I took care of everything. It was alot of stress for me, but I was willing to do it all for her. My job pays enough, so I provided everything for her. I just feel so betrayed after all I have done.

 

I thought she had a good life with me. I'm working a full-time job that's far away. I always have to do a little bit of overtime every week. I don't complain. I always take the chance to bring in some more money. She went to school and also did some things around the house, but I always helped. She made dinner and did the dishes. I always helped her clean the place. We did laundry together and shopped for food together. My dad always felt all he needed to do was make money, and it was up to my mom to do all of the "homely" things. I never wanted my ex to feel that way, so I made sure I always helped her out. I still don't understand how it made it so bad that she needed to blame me for her problems. This semester, she only had class 3 days a week! She worked after class MWF, but on T and TH she was at home. I encouraged her to work more if she wanted to help with money, but she never wanted to. I dared not argue with her, but I did wish that she would help with money more.

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i felt much the same as you until about a week or two ago--betrayed, angry, bitter, wronged. i still do, but less so. perhaps you'll continue to feel that way and that's what you want and need to feel over the long term. for me, i've started to see things in a slightly more objective perspective than i had before. now you were in an openly abusive relationship, i wasn't. so my situation was clearly quite different from yours. but i know that i too was responsible for things going as they did in my case, and i want to get over my own negative feelings, my own bitterness and anger, my own sense of having been somehow violated or victimized. i see that as taking control of my situation. all of my good memories of the relationship were corrupted by what happened, and that's not fair to me. i want to make my peace for myself, not for her sake. that's all i was saying. in time you'll find the course that's best for you. best wishes.

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I'm starting to go downhill again. I hope everyone doesn't think I'm pathetic in writing so much. I just helps when I do. I think it all started when I talked to her mother on the phone today. I really want to keep to this NC, but there are certain things which we need to communicate about to transition her moving out.

 

People are calling about her school since she transferred, her psychologist from down here called asking why he didn't hear from her, doctors about her medical bills are coming in the mail. I just wish I could make it all go away, but I know I'm going to be getting her mail and people are going to be calling for her for a while. I just wish I could stop getting all of these reminders of what happened!

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I think I made a huge decision just now. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I should stay in my apartment alone or move back in with my parents. I think I want to move back in with my parents.

 

I just don't like the idea of being alone all the time. I think that I could use the time being around people. Also, it wouldn't be so stressed about money, because I obviously have less expenses living there. I would be farther from my job, but I figure the money I would be saving would more than make up for the extra 10 miles.

 

I feel like this is pathetic, as I am 23, but I just dread the idea of being alone all the time. I figure I could use the time to recover and be with my family. I could also save up some more money to pay off my student loans faster, and I would move out at a later point when I felt ready.

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you're being too hard on yourself. it's not pathetic to move back in with your parents for a while, given the situation. it probably will be nice for you to be around people that are supportive and comforting, who will help you get through this. it's only a bad idea if you think it will cause you more problems--them being too coddling, for instance, or you beating up on your self esteem too much. do you have any friends who might be willing to share a place for a while? that way you might get the same level, more or less, of support and regular interaction, without the more troubling aspects of the parent-offspring dynamic.

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Hey Philly,

 

I think it might be better to just spend a weekend or week at your parents first. Moving back is a huge step, and I think it may entail more than you can see now. You said before it might be running from yourself. This period in your life is heavy, but it's also the opportunity to develop yourself in different respects.

 

It sounds like you have a good career. You sound like a very committed and sincere person. What you need more than ever is a circle of friends. Is there any possibility to rekindle the friendships, or find new friends? Personally, I would never move back with my parents unless I was forced to do so for financial reasons.

 

If I were you, I'd first spend some time to heal from the hardest blow with your family. Ask them for advice. Even if it is not moving back home. I think it's not the best idea for a 23 year old. You might get too comfortable there, and for the future, I think it's harder to date again when you live with your folks. Maybe you can sort of find a way in between.

 

In another post I kinda liked the idea of moving near to your job. Not now that you are in so much pain, but maybe in a few months, like the beginning of 2006? You can start with a clean slate, try to join a club for sports of theatre or another thing you like.

 

I am single and working fulltime in a bank as well. I know it can drain all out of you, to come home every day in an empty place and no one to talk to. This summer I worked the entire time and all my friends were on holiday.

 

I will start this season with a course of capoeira and swimming, or maybe pick up my cello. All things you can do together with people next to your job, are great opportunities to meet new people. I think you need is new friends, in addition to the love of your family.

 

Just give yourself time and more options. I think times like these might not be the best to make rush decisions. Maybe you can sublet your appartment and stay with your folks until you feel better?

 

Now I am just blurting ideas, sorry if it's too much

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

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