My fiancee of 2 years left me yesterday.

[ehm doubleyou]

I know you want her moms blessing and all...but....Her mom should really stay out of it, and what she said to you is BS. I know she wants the best for her daughter but what she is doing is making you upset and thereforeeee may hurt you two getting back together. Both of you are adults, so both of you should work out your issues, without her mom getting involved.

[Hope75]

I am concerned for you Philly Guy.

 

Sure she said she wants to work on her problems but you guys have been split for a few months, right? What has changed? Yesterday she was screaming at you and hung up. Maybe her meds have changed, but her violent nature has not, and I think you should be maintaining distance (as in not being together) until she shows you how much she has worked on changing her attitude and the way she handles conflict, instead of empty words, which anyone can say.

 

She was acting like a nut to you yesterday and you know that people don't change overnight.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Actually, it has been alot less time than that.

 

She left our apartment on the 5th of this month, and I saw her yesterday in person, so we're talking only 3 weeks...

We've pretty much been in communication via email and cell phones. There was a period where we didn't talk for 10 days, but that was because I told her off. I wrote her back after the 10 days and basically said I didn't hate her, because I was harsh the first time around. For what she did though, whether or not she thought it through, she deserved every bit of it.

 

I guess I'm trying to figure it all out still.

[NewPhillyGuy]

And one thing I just did figure out...

 

I really don't care what her family thinks of me. While I'm on that, I don't care what she thinks of me. I've put my time, sweat, money, and all of my heart into this relationship. It has been just alot of heartache for me. I'm so tired of thinking about what everyone else thinks. It just hurts so much! When I was growing up, I had alot of trouble with my parents. They always told me I wasn't good enough. My dad even told me at times I was dumb or I was lazy. When I was in school, my life was just about being constantly terrorized by my parents about grades. Whenever I hung out with friends, had a girlfriend, whatever, they just told me I shouldn't because my grades weren't good enough. I pulled straight As through high school and got a B- average in college. I'm an IT consultant now and my boss recently told me she would be hiring me permanently. Life is going pretty well for me except this. So why do I bring back these old memories?

 

Whenever I talked to her mom...this is when she was nicer to me...she always said I was a nice guy and that I was too hard on myself. She said she thought myself esteem was low, and that there was no reason for it to be that way. I explained to her how it was with my parents. NOW, of course, she's a huge contributing factor. I LOVE hypocrites! I hate myself.

[Hope75]

Actually, it has been alot less time than that.

 

She left our apartment on the 5th of this month, and I saw her yesterday in person, so we're talking only 3 weeks...

We've pretty much been in communication via email and cell phones. There was a period where we didn't talk for 10 days, but that was because I told her off. I wrote her back after the 10 days and basically said I didn't hate her, because I was harsh the first time around. For what she did though, whether or not she thought it through, she deserved every bit of it.

 

I guess I'm trying to figure it all out still.

 

In this 3 weeks was has she done to prove to you that she is working on her anger? Yesterday she screamed at you and hung up 3 times. Does that sound like she is trying to control herself?

[NewPhillyGuy]

Trying, maybe, but I guess I can't expect her to succeed in 3 weeks. I guess the reason why I am holding on is because aside from her problems, we have a good time together and I feel that we are good for each other otherwise. I don't want to lose her because of this. I figure if she works it out, we have our space living apart now, maybe it will work out in the long run. Her parents are making it more complicated though. The other problem is my insecurities. She left me once already. I've also always been very afraid of being cheated on because it's happened so many times before - not by her though. She's going to be going off to a dorm somewhere, and there will be other guys everywhere. Bipolar people are very prone to infidelity.

 

Way back when we were dating when she would get this angry, but I had no idea she was bipolar yet and neither did she. I asked one of her friends if something was going on she knew of in desperation, and the friend suggested maybe my ex wanted scare me off. The friend told me that she had cheated on someone once before, and it threw me for a loop. I confronted her about it, it took her a long time to come clean with the story. She always got very mad whenever I asked her about it and just yelled or stopped talking. Her excuse was that he wasn't treating her right, and it just happened. I always felt like maybe she would do it to me, but I held on because I liked her.

 

When we were living together, I felt very secure in our relationship aside from being very uncomfortable with her anger. Now that she's left, all of my fears and insecurities have resurfaced, because my trust in her was devastated after she ran out on me without telling me.

[RayKay]

Bipolar people are very prone to infidelity.

 

Being bipolar does not excuse cheating, bad behaviour or hurting others. If she did cheat, it would not be the bipolar that should be blamed, nor should it be the excuse.

 

Way back when we were dating when she would get this angry, but I had no idea she was bipolar yet and neither did she. I asked one of her friends if something was going on she knew of in desperation, and the friend suggested maybe my ex wanted scare me off. The friend told me that she had cheated on someone once before, and it threw me for a loop. I confronted her about it, it took her a long time to come clean with the story. She always got very mad whenever I asked her about it and just yelled or stopped talking. Her excuse was that he wasn't treating her right, and it just happened. I always felt like maybe she would do it to me, but I held on because I liked her.

 

I'd be concerned about this. Cheating is horrible, but from what I have seen - people who have cheated, can come clean, explain it (and take responsibility for it) are more likely to NOT do it again once they realize how terrible it was. People who blame the OTHER person (they were not treating them right) and saying it "just happened" are NOT taking responsibility for it and more likely to do it again. I mean, what defines not "treating her right" - if you failed to agree with her one day, is that not treating her right? And how does it "just happen" - "oops, we seem to have fallen over together naked and now your tongue accidentally is in my throat!". Give me a break.

 

No, it is not something that should be brought up over and over again, and probably why she got mad at it, but her excuses and fact she seems to balme HIM for HER cheating is a problem. One that may become yours one day.

 

I think you are being really stubborn, and not wanting to see the truth, or confront idea maybe she is not all you dreamed of or hoped for, its hard to put behind time we spent with someone....but from everything you have said about her, she really does not sound like a person capable of truly loving you or respecting you. Her abusive behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg. And bipolar or not, that is not something you should settle for.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I have to admit that I did bring it up alot, because of my own insecurity. Eventually, she was able to talk about it and keep composed. She just said that he ignored her alot, flirted with other girls, etc. I can't remember all of the details. It was something that happened a few years ago. Once we were engaged, I never thought about it. She never did anything remotely like that to me. She never flirted with anyone and was always very genuine and loving. We were attached by the hip, but she never was clingy. I would not have guessed it unless that other person told me. I'm going to stop focusing on that. It's really not worth it at this point. I guess it just helped to get it out.

 

Now, I'm just confused about everything else that's happened. She keeps saying she really wants to be with me, she's in love, and wants to work it out. She's been emailing and calling alot, which is good. I guess I'm just going to ride it out, keeping myself at bay, and just see where it goes.

[The Great Unwanted]

No worries my man.

 

I've been sitting here for 2 days now wondering what is happening to me.

 

I though I was dealing with stuff OK, but I'm not!

 

I am starting to worry, feel sick, lose motivation................I hate this!

 

I wish I could have my heart removed - then it wouldn't hurt!

 

Hey Dude - I know your pain!

 

Anyone who reads this.....please cross your fingers for me?

[NewPhillyGuy]

My girl called me yesterday, and said she found a psychologist who has Saturday working hours. She said she's going to see him alone for the first few appointments, but she would like me to start going with her after to do couples counseling.

 

I was so happy when she said this to me, because it feels like she really cares about us and wants to try and work things out. I know it's going to be tough for me. I am going back and forth between being so happy that we are trying and feeling sad and angry about everything that she did. I told her on the phone last night that I forgive her, and it was such a relief and felt like something was lifted off of me. However, there was one point where she was telling me how much she loved me when I got very quiet. I just got angry and felt like hanging up and shutting off my cell phone. I feel like this often when we are talking. Sometimes, it's just all too much. I know in my heart I want more than anything for this to work out, but I guess I'm just scared of the recent past and how much I was hurt.

[The Great Unwanted]

Hey - That is good news!

 

The first step to sorting out a problem is accepting that you have one - and she appears to understand that she has been wrong and needs additional help.

 

Counselling is not a very morale boosting thing to have to admit to - and to invite along the person whom you have hurt takes a LOT of guts.

 

I think that the path to recovery starts here my man!

 

You need to show a lot of support and be honest to yourself by not harbouring any malice feelings. She may need you to be overly supportive at first - but the key is to not get into another battle!

 

You cannot have a fight if one of you doesn't retaliate.

 

My own relationship was extremely fiery - my girfriend was very abusive to me - and I used to fight back, which NEVER helped.

 

The only answer was to be rational - when the other person jumps down your throat, just stand back and ask what is upsetting her? Is there another side to the story? - Tell her that you are there for her, but she MUST stop lunging at you 1st. Say that she is welcome to 'rant at you' (moaning about something else that has p!ssed her off) but remind her that YOU are not the enemy - you are on her side, and its not going to work if she is attacking her own team.

 

Be strong for her - but draw a line - you are human, and deserve to be treated like one!

 

Hope this was useful?

[NewPhillyGuy]

Very good advice. I think I should probably write it down and remember. Our phone conversations can get pretty emotional at times. When we were talking last night, I was telling her how hurt I felt. She said she felt like I was putting her down, because I kept bringing up how much she hurt me. I know I really need to get past it in order for it to work. I guess it's just tough because she only left 3 weeks ago. It will take a while for me to heal. Whenever it happens, I try to explain that to her.

 

I hope this is not going too fast. It's only been a month since she's moved out, and we've been talking ever since.

[The Great Unwanted]

I think the answer to this is.....................there is no right answer!

 

As long as you feel that this is the right thing to do, then you're on the right path.

 

Just when you think things are going too fast...............to fast for who???

 

YOU????

 

If you feel right about it, then you're doing the right speed - for you!

 

sometimes a situation like yours makes 2 people realize what they had - as you never know till its gone!

 

You love her - thats clear to see - and the fact that you want to pursue your heart proves it!

 

Some people are high maintenance - some are low.........but we all need maintenance...........its just up to you to decide whether she is worth the maintaining - and she must be if you are prepared to sacrifice your feelings to do it!

 

1 step at a time.......you'll be just fine!

[NewPhillyGuy]

Thanks for the reassuring words. Steady as she goes is how I'm going to handle this. Every so often, I know I'm going to need to take a step back.

[NewPhillyGuy]

An old friend from college once told me in order to be happy in your life, you need to just not care about what happens to you. She said you have to not care about success, money, relationships, whatever. She said you just need to follow your heart and just not care or think twice about anything.

 

At the time, it sounded to me that it was just taking the easy way out by not becoming attached to anyone or anything. Her words really stuck with me, and I find that I feel better if I tell myself I just don't give a damn anymore.

 

What do you guys say to this philosophy?

[NewPhillyGuy]

This is the question that I keep asking myself over and over...

 

How do I know that she really loves me and wants to be with me?

 

She left our apartment without even telling me. She blamed all of her problems on me. She made her family hate me. We were engaged. She told her sister she got engaged too young and that she wanted to try out other fishes in the sea. She sent me an email telling me I might never see her again, but she would call me sometimes. A few days later, she said she hoped maybe we could pick up someday after she sorted out her problems. She said she wanted me to be open to us getting married someday.

 

Now 3 weeks later, she wants us back together. She actually wanted the ring back, but I said not yet, but in time. She wants us to go to counseling and work on the problems we had. She's going to counseling herself to get the bipolar under control She wants to talk on the phone everyday. She emails me daily telling me she loves me. I actually have been telling her to back down a bit, because I need the space from her intensity. The other problem is her parents disliking me.

 

I've told her that I don't trust her. I've told her that it will take time to regain that trust if she wants to be with me in the long run. I've asked her so many times is it true this time? She always says YES. She says she's sorry and that she regrets leaving, but she was manic and being irrational at the time.

 

Do I believe her? How do I know if I can trust her? How do I know if she really loves me or if she just is lonely for someone? I'm afraid that one day it will just all come crashing down. I feel like what if this is another trap. I can ask her a million times, and she always tells me she made a mistake and she loves me. She wants me forever, but how do I know if what she's saying is true?

[The Great Unwanted]

Forgive me for asking, but has this happened before?

 

If this is the first time, you will probably be ok - as it takes a bit of a rumble to realize where you are going wrong, but if this is a repeat of a previous incident.....be cautious.

 

It might even be worth sitting down together and writing some sort of 'pledge' to each other........kind of like a '10 commandments' of the relationship.

 

you could have things like:

 

1) Thou shalt not use your partner as an emotional punch bag...etc

 

2) Thou shalt hug upon first contact each day.....and so on!

 

It sounds a bit remedial, I know........but it could make it quirky....and you might even laugh and smile together as you write it?

 

The penalty for breaking a commandment could be something silly (if she forgets to hug you), that makes you laugh and remember your pledge to each other. If a major rule is broken, you could refrain from seeing her the next day?

 

If anything, the time apart will help you to feel closer (if that makes sense?) and the punishment won't do any lasting damage.....just cause her to miss you and appreciate you more!

 

Its just a suggestion.....and if I'm honest.........I just came up with it whilst replying to you......amazing (if you like the idea????)

 

Thoughts People?

[NewPhillyGuy]

Has she ever left me before? No.

Has she ever dumped me before? No.

 

She has left the apartment to go home for a few days after a fight, but she always came back.

 

The pledge is a nice idea to me, but it makes me think of how her mother said I locked her into things...

[The Great Unwanted]

You are not locking her into anything - as you will be together when you make the pledges!

 

If her mother needs to be re-assured - then let her see the pledges - they should be for both of you to keep a common ground. (you may need to show her mom a watered down version - just incase you put anything 'fruity' in there)

 

If her mother doesn't like it, she might need to find a hobby.....so that she can turn her attention to something useful rather than getting in your business!

 

I know that you want her mom to like you - so why not approach her and talk to her mom directly - ask her what alarms her about you - she will probably appreciate your balls - and give you the benefit of the doubt - you just need to reassure her that you are here to make her daughter happy - not upset her!

 

you could even show her mom some of the emails that she has sent you that admit that she was wrong - that might make things shine in a different light?

 

what do you think?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I guess these are the uncertainties I have:

 

Why does she want to be with me after leaving so suddenly like that?

 

Is it because she doesn't want to be alone?

Is it because she doesn't know what she wants?

Is it because she's waiting for someone else to come along and keeping me at bay for the time being?

Is it because I'm persistent, keep coming back, and making myself available to her? I'm right there most of the time...

 

or is it because she really loves ME and wants to be with ME?

[The Great Unwanted]

Hey Dude,

 

Unfortunately I don't know your lady - so I can't answer that - I will be on here tomorow - so get a good nights rest and we'll talk more tomorrow!

 

Stay happy - or as much as possible!

 

 

[The Great Unwanted]

Ok!

 

I think that the case is this:

 

Once you lose something, you realize what that means to you. She may have felt a lot of anger towards you for one reason or another - but fundamentally she misses all of the good things that the relationship brought her!

 

As this is the first time this has happened to you both, it would be fair to allow things a second chance. Give her the oppotunity to put the wrongs right.

 

I think everyone deserves a second chance............and if THAT goes wrong, then nothing has been learned - and it would be better to make a new start elsewhere.

 

Let me know how things go!

[NewPhillyGuy]

Last night was probably one of the worst nights that I've had in a long while...

 

As soon as my dad got home from work, he opened up on me out of no where. He knows that I've been talking to my ex at night since everything that has happened. I told him that I went to see her this past weekend. Apparently, the fact that I am still entertaining the idea of being with her enrages him. He spent 3 hours yelling at me for continuing to talk to her. He just would not stop! My mother has not been yelling, but everyday I come home from work she tells me that being with her is not a good idea because of the bipolar. The difference between my mom and dad is while my mother is more understanding but still persistent, my dad makes me feel stupid about the whole thing. He makes me feel like it's my fault that I was stupid enough to fall for someone like that, and that I'm even more of a moron for wanting to still talk to her. I tried to explain to them that I still care for her, and that I just can't flip a switch that makes me stop loving her when it's been only a month. No matter what I said, he just kept yelling at me and telling me how wrong I am. In the middle of all of this, she called my cell. Just when I thought it couldn't have gotten worse...

 

I called her back, and told her I was arguing with my parents, but never said what about. I didn't want to upset her, of course. She talked to me for a while, and made me feel a little better. At one point, she started to sing to me. It was this silly song about how much she loves me that she made up long ago. I haven't heard it for a long, long time, so it made me feel a little better.

 

Everything my dad said scared me, so I felt like I wanted to ask her something to make me feel more reassured about her and us. A few days ago when we were on the phone, a bunch of her family showed up. She very quickly said she had to go. I said that I loved her and she just hung up. I was very hurt by this, but I didn't say anything until last night. When I brought this up to her, she got very quiet. All of a sudden, I was the only one talking. It seemed like no matter what I said, she just wasn't there in the same spirit anymore. I asked her why she stopped, and she said she was tired. Next, she got irritable. Everything I said pissed of her off, so I eventually I just said I had to go and hung up.

 

She called me this morning (just now actually) and said she was sorry about last night. I didn't know what to say, so I just told her it didn't matter and that I had called a friend instead. She said I expected her to be perfect, and that I was making her upset because I wouldn't accept her apology. I never accepted or denied it. Then, she said she had an exam today, and that because of me she won't be able to concentrate. She said she never wants to talk to me again, and hung up.

 

Am I just an idiot or what?

[The Great Unwanted]

Hey Dude!

 

I must admit that I wasn't familiar with the 'bipolar' illness. I have just looked it up and found what it is all about.

 

From what you say, she is a very severe sufferer. I dare say that the only thing that holds her together is the thought of you. You are her reference point for what is normal. The problem is, she cannot help but 'blur' the line between normal and abnormal. With this, she is having a hard time deceminating what is right and what is wrong.

 

You probably know all this already, and I'm sorry if I am just another person giving you the hard facts.

 

It is clear that she is very swingable with her moods, so a bit of info I picked up may help things along.

 

Positive association:

 

The idea is to invoke 'good' feelings when you are present or when talking. If she is in a bad mood, you want to be away from her - completely - and when she is a good mood, you should maximise your time with her. e.g: If she is 'riding the crimson wave' (that time of the month) you would do well to stay out of the way. If she is having contact with you, her mind will associate you with bad thoughts or feelings and generally make her bad towards you.

 

Its all about opportunity. Make sure that when the conversation starts to go bad...you excuse yourself and get off the phone/walk away.

 

When things are happy and good, do your best to keep it that way with positive comments. As soon as you detect an air of bad feeling, excuse yourself away. This will make her feel good when she is with you as she will know that you are only around when things are good.

 

Thats not to say that you don't want to be there for her when things get bad, but you need to be strong and not allow yourself to get caught up in the misery. eventually she will associate you with good feelings....which will be incited when you are around.

 

I dare say that you have some friends, even female ones that you may only see when you go to parties or gatherings. There is usually always a girl who you will see and always smile at, why?.....................

 

Because you only see her at the places that are making you happy - thereforeeee, whenever you see that person, you will feel good!

 

This is your mind associating an image with happiness - and THAT is the nature that needs to be applied to your own situation. I know that the Bipolar makes this a but more difficult, but I think that it will help you both in the long run.

 

If she only ever sees you when the going is good - maybe she will want to be happy - as the chemical balances in her body are making her go from one extreme to another, your image (being with you - talking to you) will make her feel happy and force the chemical balance in your favour.

 

The hard part to this is actioning it - you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

So when things get tense just make an excuse and get away - make sure that whenever you speak to her - you give her good news, compliments, nice thoughts. But remember, as soon as it turns....escape!

 

I don't know how long it takes to work - how long is a piece of string???? - but things should improve - as if not, you would be best out of there!

 

Have you tried something like this?

[NewPhillyGuy]

It's a nice idea, but I feel like it almost makes the relationship fake. The truth is that I would love to make her happy all the time, but with her illness it's just not possible. Sometimes, she will go off the wall for no reason whatsoever. I'm conflicted because I love her so much. I know this is not how a real, loving relationship works. If I keep running when she gets mad, I will probably never be with her because she's like this alot. It's also not good for me, because she needs to care about my feelings too!