My fiancee of 2 years left me yesterday.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I came really close to breaking NC with my ex yesterday.

 

I started to write this email to her just saying that I hope she would be ok and to take good care of herself and continue her treatment for her bipolar condition. I then realized what a can of worms this might open up. She may have responded positively and gotten my hopes up. She also may have not responded or responded coldly, and that would just make the pain so much worse. I decided to just write it out in notepad on my computer to get the feelings out, but I just erased the note when I was done.

 

After I read what I wrote, I realized there was no point saying these same things to her, because I had been urging her to take care of herself all along. Saying it again in an email after a breakup would not help any. I realized it would just cause more pain for me. I'm glad that I wrote the note just to get my feelings out though.

[NewPhillyGuy]

No Contact:

 

I have had no contact with my ex for 5 days.

 

Just wanted to say that it really works!

[NewPhillyGuy]

I guess I'm starting to get into the anger part of this, so here goes some venting.

 

I just can't believe how my girlfriend ended our relationship and engagement. I gave her a ring, which I spent so much money on. It was a certified diamond and so pretty. I spent a good part of my savings on it. The proposal was so romantic, we cried, and everything just seemed so perfect. Like I said before, I also used more of my savings to get us a place to stay while I was looking for a job and to give her a place near where she wanted to take classes.

 

The day it all went down, she just left. She never called me to talk about anything. She never told me how she was feeling. We argued the night before over stupid stuff, and she had called her mother to blame me for everything as usual. Her mother kept calling her back, and it was around 10pm. I was trying to sleep because I get up around 5am for work. I told her to please knock off the talking and phone ringing because I needed sleep. I finally fell asleep around 10:30-11. The next morning, I tried to say goodbye and that I loved her, and she told me to F OFF then went back to sleep. I called her a few hours later from work to see if she cooled off, and she just said she was leaving. I called back like 4 times, and she kept hanging up. I called her mother in a panic, and her mother said "I told Sarah to come home, because she can't take you, your demented family, and living in such a small apartment." I was so devastated. I managed to blurt it's not my fault, and I just broke down and hung up. I stopped myself from crying because I was at work. When I got home, I collapsed in tears on the phone with my sister.

 

I cannot believe after all I did for her that she would just leave like that. If she would have called me and said she was having a manic or depressive episode, which I bet is what happened, I would have left work early to come comfort and talk to her. She would not listen, and I was tempted to just rush home, but I work 60 miles from our apartment. I figured she would have been gone already. I couldn't even get her on the phone to ask her to just wait a bit because she kept hanging up. Eventually, she just stopped answering all together and just left.

 

I just can't understand how someone could be so damn cold. That ring represented a sacred promise that I would love her forever no matter what. She just threw it all away without even talking to me. Then, she had the nerve to email me 3 times to ask if we could get back together "someday." F THAT!

[Iceman26]

Buddy, believe me she did you a favor, and you need to get that through your head. Can you imagine having kids with this woman? If she would hit you and curse at you, imagine what she would have done/said to your children?

 

Never, ever talk to this girl again or even entertain the fantasy of being with her again. You will NEVER know if she is truly healed, bipolar or just a psycho, and why take that kind of chance with your future and your life?

 

You gotta tell yourself you are better than that, and deserve better then that Quit glorifing the good times, because you had a hell of a lot more bad times with this walking nightmare then you did good times.

 

It sounds like you have a lot going for you dude, so focus on getting back home, around parents that truly love you and care about your best interests, and start doing activites that will take your mind off of what happened.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Buddy, believe me she did you a favor, and you need to get that through your head. Can you imagine having kids with this woman? If she would hit you and curse at you, imagine what she would have done/said to your children?

 

I thought about that and other things alot. One time when we were at her house and her sister's 2 year old was getting a little hyper. My ex unnecessarily yelled at the poor little girl, picked her up, and harshly put her where she wanted her to play. I thought she was out of line, and told her so right there. I was shocked, and it scared me to think of having kids with her, but I quickly pushed it out of my head at that time.

 

Another thing I was afraid of was getting a divorce. She was so unstable I dreaded getting married to her and the fact that I could lose half of my assets over one of her manic episodes. I don't know what I would have done if we were married and she just up and left like she did 2 weeks ago.

 

Never, ever talk to this girl again or even entertain the fantasy of being with her again. You will NEVER know if she is truly healed, bipolar or just a psycho, and why take that kind of chance with your future and your life?

 

You gotta tell yourself you are better than that, and deserve better then that Quit glorifing the good times, because you had a hell of a lot more bad times with this walking nightmare then you did good times.

 

I know for sure she is bipolar. I guess I just always thought no matter what we could work out, and that she would get better over time with treatment. Part of the problem is that she wasn't consistent about getting help with her condition.

 

I definitely know that I deserve better than she treated me. I could accept her being bipolar, but I could not stand her denial, blaming everything on me, and then lying to her family about her anger saying I was mistreating her. That I would not stand for.

[DN]

Keep being strong - you are doing well. I hope she had the decency to return the ring.

[NewPhillyGuy]

She did not keep the ring. I had a chance to get a few words out that morning, and I told her to leave behind the ring and the cell phone I gave her if her intention was to run off like that. Would she have taken it, I would have definitely pressed to get it back. I plan on selling it back to a jeweler.

[DN]

Good for you. Maybe you should spend the money on a vacation somewhere.

[Cindy11]

NewPhillyGuy, thank you very much for your post. I have been following your situation and I'm sorry to hear that you are going through rough times as well.

 

People tell me that my ex has too much baggage and he knows he can't give me what I want but it's very hard to accept. I keep hoping that he will change and realize what he lost and that one day "soon" he will call me and tell me he wants to make it work. Then I have to start thinking about all the negative things about the relationship that made me unhappy. I know that I would be crazy to go back to him but I just can't imagine life without him. I am getting stronger and I can't wait for the day I wake up and say "oh my god, what was I thinking?" I pray for that day to come. I hope that one day you'll be able to say that as well.

 

We both have to realize the baggage our exes have and understand them and the hardest thing is accept that the relationships are over and move on with our lives. It's such a tough journey but we have to do it and we can do it. I can't believe it's been almost a month and NC (only one time because of Hurricane Katrina).

 

Thanks to all of you who have posted on our boards. They have helped tremendously. The NC is unbelievably painful.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hey all. I had lunch with one of my friends from high school, and I told him everything that had happened. I also went for a walk this morning and I was feeling really good afterwards. Now, however, I'm back down again.

 

I feel so pathetic. I keep trying to distract myself by doing different things, but I just can't seem to get into anything. I tried reading a book. That worked for a while, but I keep just wanting to put it down. I tried playing a computer game I used to like, but I just stopped playing. I laid down for a while, got a bit sleepy, but then just couldn't get to sleep.

 

I came to my computer sometimes to check for an email or an IM from her. I also looked at a web page of hers. She deleted one picture of us, but kept all the rest and the description that she was engaged to me and all. I have to stop myself from doing this.

 

I hope I can just put this all behind me soon. I hate feeling so bored and alone.

[fIIsion]

I had the same problem for a long while, could'nt read anything, watch a film, play a computer game, etc.

 

The thing that has helped me some what is to go for long walks, although I do end up talking to myself as I walk down the street ( people start crossing the road in front of me).

 

Strangely though, by talking it out in my mind (sometimes my mouth), I find a moment of clarity, this then gives me some breathing space to do something else.

Some people will advocate going to the gym, talking up a new hobby, etc, personally I find these things to begin with are difficult, seems like trying to suppress your emotions through distraction.

After a while I found those things easier to concetrate on.

 

So get out there and start talking to yourself

[barenmind]

Do yourself a favor and mark her emails as spam, delete her email address and delete your bookmark for her webpage. No contact means NO CONTACT. Hang in there though, I just read this whole 7 page thread, and you seem to be doing really well towards the end here. Keep it up. You are better off without her. A suggestion for keeping yourself busy: Try to think of something that she never let you do, or wasn't interested in doing with you. There has to be something. Take dancing lessons, pick up painting, go to the beach/mountain/park, but leave your home as much as possible. I think you made the right choice moving back in with your parents, they seem very supportive, but I think you should move back out as soon as you think you can handle it, and get used to living single. Hope I helped a bit.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Thanks for sticking it to me on the NC. I really need to be better about not looking for email from her, etc. She has not emailed me since I told her to knock it off - that was a week ago. I'm really going to try hard to get better at this, because I know I am set back the more I think about it. This girl was bad news for me, and I'm glad I'm out of it. I really just need to accept the loss, realize it's truly for the better, and move on.

 

Thanks for your support, everyone. This site got me through this breakup.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Ok, this is more a vent post for me to get out some thoughts. These are reasons why I am better off without my ex. I'm going to come back and read these things if I ever feel weak about the breakup. If anyone has any comments, please do share.

 

1) Her constant anger over little things did not allow for a healthy relationship. It put alot of distance between us, and I was anxious and frustrated alot of the time.

 

2) Her volatile nature would not have worked out when we had real problems. I knew in my head something would go wrong at some point. How would we have dealt with the stress of planning a wedding with her and her mother like that?

 

3) She did not like to take care of our apartment, and got angry over doing everyday things to keep the place up, even though I helped out alot.

 

4) Her anger would not make for a good environment for children. We discussed children down the line, and I always thought about the severe consequences it would have on them.

 

5) At night, she would usually go to bed so early around 7. If I tried to talk to her, she would just shove me off, curse, and go back to sleep. It depressed me that I was living with someone I could never talk to.

 

6) She always painted me as the bad guy to her family and friends. The lies she told damaged my self-esteem and hurt me so very much.

 

7) Whenever she got angry, she would try to act like nothing happened later instead of apologzing. She would just smile and then talk to me like I was an idiot that forgot. If I told her I wasn't satisfied, it was just another reason for her to close down and get mad.

 

8 Her family had a deep resentment for mine, because of socio-economic differences. They were very critical of us, even though no one in my family made them feel badly ever. Her mother said some nasty things about my family when we broke up in looking to blame everyone else for my exs problems.

[NewPhillyGuy]

This is so hard. I'm sitting here and I feel like there are so many things I want to say to my ex. There are so many questions I want to ask her. I thought about emailing, but then I didn't know what to say. I don't want to appear so pathetic. I want to ask her:

 

Why did she leave without saying a word? Why didn't she ask me to come home and see her from work? I would have done it in a heartbeat!

Doesn't she love me anymore?

What did I do wrong? How come she never told me she was feeling that badly about everything?

Was it about another guy?

How could she lie to her whole family about me?

Did her mom persuade her to leave?

How is she doing now? Is she getting her meds changed?

How is school going? How is the new job?

What did I do to her to deserve being deserted like this?

 

I thought it would be better to write it here than actually email her. I'm trying to catch myself and not break the NC.

[NewPhillyGuy]

No worries, everyone. I'm not going to break down and contact her. I just have those weak moments, sometimes very week, but not weak enough to break my spirit and resolve.

 

I deserve better, and I will find it!

[NewPhillyGuy]

I feel so strong right now. I've been talking to this new girl. Don't worry. Not rushing into anything.

[Iceman26]

Why did she leave without saying a word? A) Shes a psycho

Why didn't she ask me to come home and see her from work? A) Shes a psycho who has her own issues to deal with, or would you have preferred another violent confrontation?

Doesn't she love me anymore? A) The question I would ask would be "How could she have said she loved me yet treated me this way?"

What did I do wrong? A) Nothing except fall for the wrong girl.

How come she never told me she was feeling that badly about everything? A) She did, in her actions against you.

Was it about another guy? A) If it was, good luck to him in dealing with that mess.

How could she lie to her whole family about me? A) Easily. Its her family, not yours. They would automatically believe her over you.

Did her mom persuade her to leave? A) Does it matter?

How is she doing now? A) Why care?

Is she getting her meds changed? A) Who knows, and after what you went through dealing with her crap, you should be focused on yourself, not her.

How is school going? A) Refer to the answer above.

How is the new job? A) Refer to above.

What did I do to her to deserve being deserted like this? A) Nothing except staying to long in the relationship when you should have let her go.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I know what you are saying, but it's not as easy sometimes for me to be so objective. After all, it's only been 2 weeks since she left. Like I've been saying, I think I'm taking it pretty damn well considering the circumstances. It's really because I realize how messed up the whole situation was. I really didn't deserve someome like her at all.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Sometimes, I just get these burst of happiness and relief that this whole situation is over. I realize that I'm now free from this troubled woman and her critical and outright rude family. I'm home with people who care, saving up alot of money, and much more relaxed than I was living with her.

 

However, on the other hand, the separation takes it's toll at times. There was a time when her family was like a second family to me. They made me feel like I was the best thing that happened to their daughter. I was there every weekend all weekend during my senior year of college. Her mom called me her son. When I got into a car accident and had no car for a few months, her dad let he use his old truck to come and visit my girl. I put 200 miles on it a week, and he didn't even think twice about it. All of a sudden it all started changing so fast when we got a place together, and it felt like they really disliked me. People were so nasty, criticized me all the time, told me in so many ways I wasn't good enough. The last time I talked to her mom, she said, "You were not the person I thought you were." I just don't get it. What did I do that was so horrible? I know I got mad at my ex sometimes too, but it's like they totally forgot she was bipolar and that I'm only human. I was never allowed to get angry, but no matter what my ex did it was ok. I remember giving her adding a cell phone to make a family plan so she and I could talk with little cost and I paid for it. She broke TWO cell phones in her anger. Her parents knew about it, but that was OK. I show some anger and told my ex she was acting like a baby once in front of her mother, and her mother raged at me. I don't get it.

 

Whenever I have a breakup where I was clearly not at fault, I always wind up feeling like the one who caused everything. I hate this feeling. This is the second relationship that ended the same exact way. I meet girl with problems. Everything's ok for a while, she goes nuts, I'm close to parents, they blame it on me, things get worse, it ends with me feeling terrible. The last girl had ADHD. I dumped her in college one day after 3 years of violence and suspected cheating, and she went ballistic on the phone screaming and crying and then just dropped the phone. I thought she was going to wind up in the hospital. I called the next day to see if she was OK, and she sounded like a robot. Next time I tried, her cell and house phone number were changed. Never talked to her again.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Well, I guess it had to happen sometime. I broke NC with the ex. Here's the detail.

 

Came home from work last night, and all of a sudden just went into this almost sort of panic. I just got really upset and nervous about losing someone that was so close to me. I was breaking down so fast and my thinking was just so irrational - just i HAVE to talk to her, I miss her. I tried to send her an IM because she was online just to say hi, but it did not go through. The program kept crashing. I kept trying to restart it, but it never worked and probably for the better. I finally decided to just pull back and I took a shower. Afterwards, I felt better and just talked to the new girl I mentioned earlier. Yes, I did actually break NC. The story goes on...

 

It actually happened about 15 minutes ago. I just got into work, and I was checking my email. I was thinking about that email I wrote to her about not wasting anymore of my life on her and that I had waited long enough for her to solve her problems. I just wanted to say something that said I don't hate you and best of luck, so I sent her an email. I didn't say I loved her, wanted to get back, beg, plead, or anything like that.

 

Here's actually what I wrote:

 

I know my last email was strong, but there were some things that just needed to be said. The way everything went down for us has been hard. I don't want us to hate each other just because things didn't work out. I wanted to write to you again so you don't think I dislike you. I don't. I don't dislike you or anyone in your family. All of you will always hold a special place in my heart, despite everything that happened.

 

I hope that you are happy and successful in everything that you do, and I'm certain you will be. You have alot going for you. You are so smart, dedicated, and an all around great person. Please take good care of yourself, especially the bipolar. You can beat it. I know you can.

 

I guess a part of me is anxious about her response. The more rational figures I just didn't want her thinking I hated. Bipolar is a hard thing to deal with, and I wanted to give her that boost that she'll be ok and just to work hard and her life will be ok.

 

Now that I've done it, I have a good feeling. I'm glad that I coudl say something nice to her without getting all emotional, but I feel stupid about how I panicked last night and not so much better about emailing her.

 

What do you all think?

[Freda]

Your e.mail sounds like ideal first contact, just try and keep busy now and don't be checking for replies every two minutes.

[NewPhillyGuy]

What do you mean by ideal first contact?

[Freda]

What do you mean by ideal first contact?

 

I meant that the tone you used in your mail was perfect for you breaking nc with (friendly, caring, sincere) - are you with me? xxx

[NewPhillyGuy]

Yeah, I got you. I think it was a good email too. I wasn't trying to encourage us starting anything, because it just can't happen especially right now. I really just didn't want her feeling badly and thinking that I hate her.

 

That's always been me. No matter how much wrong people do to me, hurt me, whatever, I always want to be nice to them and make them feel good. Someone once told me that's my fatal flaw - I'm nice to people to my own detriment. I'm a natural sucker. I can't help it. I just hope to someday meet someone who won't throw it all back in my face.