cant get the thoughts what she might be doing out of my head

[scorchio]

Hi all,

 

I am trying to be strong with the N/C (3 1/2 months)

been split for 4 1/2 months

 

I am getting stronger in the N/C because I know she wont respond anyway ...............

 

I miss her alot

 

I just cant get the thoughts of what she might be doing or who with out of my head,

is this something us dumpees have, is anyone else getting the same thoughts.

any advice how to get the thoughts out of head ? im sure most assumptions are wrong anyway in our head !!!

 

Is it very likely she will deep down have the same thoughts as above?????

 

Yeah sure, I am moving on, all be it very slowly,

 

but,

 

I would so love that text or Email out of blue from her one day even if it was a simple hello!!!!!!

 

You never know!!!!

but I want that to come from her, and not me chasing her or making myself look weak, even I can realise im better than that, I dont want her to see me weak at her hands.

 

 

Thanks for all the advice everyone gives and it helps to read all your posts, it has made me stronger willed !!! just! LOL[/b]

[arwen]

Hey scorchio,

 

Good for you, keeping up the NC! Of course you miss her a lot. I think the best way to get things out of your head is to put new things into your head. After a break up, the brain has this way of associating everything with our ex, doesn't it? In a way, every thing reminds you of her, even if it seems totally unrelated.

 

I think it helps to find a new thing in life that you like. Like a new sport or taking a class in your free time. Something you didn't do together with the ex. When I had my heart broken for the first time, I applied for a new side job. I met tons of new people who would never meet the ex, who I wouldn't associate with him. That job saved me at that time. I started to train at the swimming pool daily and got really fit. And suddenly there was the day that I realized that I just had a good day, with no crying, no missing, no obsessing over what he'd be doing with whom and so on.

 

I simply stopped caring, because my life was full of new experiences. It made me stronger, and I could start over, and move on. I hope you will get at this point soon

 

Ilse.

[Demond34]

I hope I get to that point. I don't know why, but the mornings when I'm laying in bed are the worst! Its amazing that you think of things the two of you did, years ago, with the most vivid detail and i'm still half of sleep. I'm only up because its that time I always just have this nervous feeling in my stomach. It sucks to think about it all the time, but the mornings really control me, instead of me controlling them.

 

ABout the brain associating everything with our ex, even if its not related, so TRUE!

 

Every song i hear on the radio, its as if it was written for me or about us. Then I get to visualizing about what me and her could be doing, its crazy.

 

One day, I'll get there but right now, I'm not ready to let go. Maybe I enjoy the pain, maybe I just don't want to let go of the memories and good times so fast, afterall they did bring joy to my life. I have faith, I'll get there, just not so fast.

[FCTex]

It's natural...

 

I do it too. I think about what she might be doing, or who with, if anything.

 

I wonder if she's missing me, wondering what I am do... Everything reminds me of her, even looking at the time, and me just having deja vu, and thinking about us doing something, and remembering the time..

 

I miss her alot, but I'm finding that hanging out with my friends, who are doing a good job of helping me get over her. They've all been through this stuff before, so they are trying to help me not think about her, and anytime I do mention her or something they change the subject..

 

I gets better I find.. in the mornings and at night, which were horrible for me, I'm finding that working on one of them every day, for a week, helps. My nights aren't as bad, because they were the worse for me.. My mornings aren't the best still, but they are getting better... Alot better/

 

 

Best of luck everyone, I'm wiht ya'lll

[arwen]

I especially dreaded the mornings... it is such a long time ago for me that I really had my heart broken, but the memory is still fresh

 

In the morning, when you wake up, there is this one moment that your brain somehow is not up-to-date yet, that one split second that you don't realize that the relationship is in fact over. I spent most of my mornings crying, so that in the end, I didn't go to sleep all together, or only in front of the tv, just to avoid that terrible moment of realization.

 

It does get better, guys, I promise you. Scorchio, I think that it is important for you to realize that your whole being just needs this time to re-start again. You need time to process the break up, and there is no fixed time for that. I think the more you have fought to keep a relationship going, while it was already falling apart, the more time it takes to reset your mind, and accept that the future will probably NOT be with her.

 

The only one that is surely there in your future, is you.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[scorchio]

thanks everyone

 

yeah the mornings and nights arent very good at mo

 

i take on board what u say, moving on is obviously the way to go i understand that,

 

but there is nothing wrong with having hope for the future, surely, a break in the N/C a email out of blue etc,

not pinning hopes on it.

Ex's im sure regret when there is silence for a very long time and maybe they think you are moving on !!! what you think ??

 

 

but nice to have in back of mind surely !!!!

[arwen]

I think the no contact part is for you to move on and heal, not a strategy or playing mind-games with the ex. No one has the right to take away your hope. Of course not. My advice is just to focus on a life that includes YOU as the main character, not her.

 

Ilse.

[scorchio]

yeah, I understand that,

the N/C is for moving on, I do really understand that, and am trying.

 

its funny in some ways the fact that she is blanking me, silent treatment, whatever you want to call it ....

 

it has forced me in to a position of N/C anyway, me knowing she wouldnt answer any texts, emails etc etc anyway.

 

 

maybe that will haunt her one day.

[Mun]

Hi Scorchio,

I think it's natural to wonder about the other person, but don't stop your life for that. Accept that you will be curious, but sometimes it's better not to know.

 

I too would ask myself about the last guy I dated: What is he up to? Was he dating again? Did he even think about me or remember me at all? I drove me and my friends crazy.

 

I had to do NC so that I wouldn't keep making a fool of myself and I could move on. ( no more stalking ) I don't want to give you hope that she will come back, but to tell you that you should keep NC because it does help you get stronger.

 

Keep busy and one day you will suddenly stop and realize you hadn't thought of her all day. You'll see.

[Demond34]

Scorchio,

 

I remember one thread and it was about NC and hope and all that other good stuff. But one member posted that you don't have to fully close the door. You can leave it cracked in the case, the ex wants to come back in.

 

But just because its cracked doesn't mean you sit and wait for them, because the door is not open. You live YOUR life, YOU do the things you want to do and if YOu want to leave that door cracked, then go ahead, but don't sit and wait for it to open. I think its fine to have hope, but dont let hope control your life. I don't know the details of your relationship. But if it was long and serious, both of you committed, theres not a doubt in my mind that you cross her mind. Maybe things got rocky at the end, maybe she had resentment towards you for whatever reason. But whatever it was, I'm sure she wonders. After all the negative thoughts banish from her head, thats normally when the positives arise. She may act on them and get back into contact with you or she may not. Thats for her to decide.

 

But if that door opens and its her and she wants to renconcile, then its for YOU to decide if you want her back.

 

Keep the no contact up, you made it this far and thats huge, I'm afraid to take it that far, but I"m gonna try like hell. But its ok to keep the door ajar, but don't stop doing you and one day when you're not expecting it, good things might just happen. Come to think of it, its almost like a win-win situation not? We'll either heal and be over them or they might re appear in our lives.... Why is it so damn hard to let go then?

[scorchio]

Thankyou all of you,

 

demond34, lovely post, thankyou,

 

what annoys me more is the fact that we ended and she even admitted that she had never fallen out of love with me, that hadnt changed, she had alot of issues tho with past relationships in being treated bad and then i came along and treated her and her daughter like princess's etc

 

annoying huh !

 

Yeah ! what you all say is good advice, I thankyou for that.

 

Just wish one day she will see what a mistake she made ............

maybe it will be too late,

yes i will always leave that door slightly open, but i would still not let her turn the handle easily, i have to appear strong and not needy

 

 

how difficult is it ...............

when all you want to do is shake them .............

[Demond34]

What annoys you, is the same thing that annoys me. My ex also says she still loves me, will love me forever. But, shes set on moving away 3 states away. I ask myself why if she loves me? After getting strung along for so long, I couldnt only put up with her mixed signals for so much. Thats why I'm backing away.

 

I would love for us to get back and I hope one day it happens, BUt not until her confusion, resentment and negative emotions subside and I can work on improving myself. She needs to heal without me in the picture, maybe she'll find in her new life, that shes happier. IF that happens, then I know i did the right thing. Sometimes, you have to look at it from the other side of the fence and thats if you truly love someone, then sometimes you have to let them go.

 

People talk about pride on here, well, then I'll take pride in that I made the one person I loved, happy, and i can sit here with a smile. Of course I would love to be that guy that makes her happy, but things happen for a reason. Its alot harder said than done, cuz you believe in your heart, you can be that special person to them. Sometimes it doesn't work that way.

 

You say shes had problems with past relationships and you treated her good. Well my friend, I believe you taught her a few things what love is all about. Keep your head up high and be proud of that. She'll remember, but thats not a guarantee she comes back. Like I said, that'll be her choice to come back and then your decision if you want her back.

[WantMyBabeBack]

I know exactly how you guys feel, Ive just broken up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years (for the second time) on august 14th. We had been trying again and had only been doing so for 2 months. It ended because we had an argument about something stupid and I walked out of his house. He now says he doent want to get back together again because he doesnt feel the same about me anymore - I'm confused because 5 weeks ago he loved me like no other. I've heard all the "I dont feel the same about you anymore" etc all before, he can just seem to change his feelings just like that.

 

It hurts so bad because I just want him back and feel that I cannot rest because we didnt give each other a chance.

 

We have been texting and have met up, because I needed answers because I still don't understand all of this. He says he needs space away from me, which hurts, I want to give him it but am afraid to incase he forgets me and finds someone else.

 

He is the only one for me, and I don't know what to do. We broke up for no reason..............

[Demond34]

He said he wants space, so give it to him. He won't forget about you, 4.5 years is a long time. Unless you're not human, theres no way he can forget about you in that short of time, if at all.

 

Take a step back, work on yourself and make yourself happy without him. Let him have the space he wants. You say he is the only one for you. Don't lower yourself and put him up on a pedalstool and constantly look up at him. You will only get walked over.

 

Its hard, especially since it was such a long relationship, but don't depend on him for your own happiness. It takes time to get to that point, but do it for YOU and not him.

 

I'm sure he will be in contact with you, just be careful, but be yourself and don't put any pressure on him with relationship talk.

[WantMyBabeBack]

Thankyou all for your advice.......I guess Im needing answers because I can't have someone messing with my feelings like that.....

 

 

Anyway.......Some progress has been made..........Ive told him that we should still go out together (as mates for now) and have as much fun as possible with each other....he agreed and sunday night we are going bowling and for something to eat - I figured if he have good times together this will bring us closer......as advised in one of my many self help books..............his anger seems to have gone a bit too.....

 

Ive also got a date for friday night.......because I guess well, I have to have a bit of a life at the same time!!

[acuraman]

Good for you. You are a very strong person for doing what you did. Not many people could do what you have done, and you should be proud of yourself for not contacting her.

 

Even though its very hard for you, you said that your slowly getting over it, and that is a good sign that you are moving on in life. As time passes, your feelings for that person will slowly drift away, and you will think about her less and less.

[toonsy]

I can relate to what you are going through, but i know my ex is dating a new girl. But I have stayed cool about it because i see it for what it is. I cannot let my emotions get the better of me and ruin myself or any chance he and i might have in the future.

 

You see, after we broke up, I contacted another man via email....I was hurt and didnt want to, but I did. My ex knew this and got very distraught. We had an argument about a week later. That same night he 'met' someone. I see it for what it is.... He was distraught thinking I was with someone else, he and I had a fight, he was out drinking with friends, and then just "happened" to meet a girl that was his bestfriend's girlfriend's friend. (10 years younger too). Now most girls would be going crazy over this, right? Well, I see the reality. Dont you? Anyone reading this can but the truth is that in real life you dont see it in black and white. You look with your emotions and that gets the better of you.

 

We've been in contact via email once a week or so since breaking up. I know he still has strong feelings for me. Do i obsess about what he and her are doing or if he thinks about me? No. I KNOW he thinks about me. What he and her do is not a concern for me. Why? Because in all reality it holds NO BEARING on us!

 

He will come back if he deals with things he needs to. He might not out of fear or pride however. And if that's the reality then I will find happiness elsewhere. I love him dearly and know in my heart we are meant to be together. That is not enough though.

 

I decided to stop contacting him last week. He has stressed the importance that we stay in contact and be friends, constantly stating "you never know what could happen" and other implications that he is just not that serious about her. However, I am not to be the 'standby'. I am not interested in dating right now. I have thought to give him some time to 'do his thing' and see what happens over time. I left the door open for him......but I choose to let him miss me now. I will not contact him for 3 or 4 weeks at least.

 

He even gave me a ring as a gift after our breakup. I couldnt wear it because it was too painful. I put it back on today. Why? Because for one I like the ring, for 2 I feel good about myself and my choices. I am being healthy about this. I am caring for him but caring for myself more. I am proud that I can wear the ring now. It reminds me that I am doing great, I am great, and no matter what happens with him and I have no regrets for my actions towards him or myself.

 

Of course you think about your ex and what they are doing! But dont cheat yourself. Also, dont destroy yourself over figments of your imagination. In the end it wont be what they have done or are doing while you 2 are apart that brings you 2 back together will it? So why obsess over it?

[Fivek]

The damage we inflict upon ourselves is the reason why 99% of all second chances don't work. And the funny thing is, the second chances where the dumpee has forgiven and the issues have been worked out usually work in the long-term. THIS IS A GREAT POST!

[scorchio]

hi,

 

thanks for the lovely words....

 

I suppose for me the problem is not the N/C, as it is hepling me

 

I just worry if she is with someone else and would this hamper her ever changing her mind or forgetting me.

Like you have said suppose I shouldnt conjur up images in my head they may not be true anyway,

just happens I suppose dosent it ?, I am trying to be strong ......... and clear those images !!!!!!

 

I have come along way, its been 5months since split and I miss her like crazy, the N/C HAS! made me stronger,

just worry like I said if she did meet someone what impact that may have !!!!!!

 

 

I would love that text to come through on my phone out of the blue, but like I suppose it sais, a watched phone never rings.......

 

should I hide it LOL

 

you guys are great and i appreciate all of the advice

[toonsy]

Scorchio:

I have a friend who asks me all the time "how can you stand the fact that he is with someone else? Doesnt it drive you CRAZY??" I reply to her this:

 

No! I see it for what it is. And frankly, him being with someone else could very much just prove to him all the things he is missing with me. It might seem good in the beginning but newness wears off. They WILL compare you to the new person. You would, wouldnt you? My ex seeing another girl is actually a chance for us. A chance for him to go out there, see others and then make an ultimate decision to come back to 'us'. And the fact is, he's been divorced over 5 years. He has never said "i love you" to anyone in that time but me. So think about it.....why would this girl be any different than all the others in the last 5 years? I know its hard but try to flip your way of thinking. See this as a possible thing to your favor.

 

The worst thing you can do is to let those thoughts overrun you. Why? Because it will affect your attitude, who you are......and you are letting the situation control you. If if you DO ever have contact with her, trust me, it will come out in the way you act or speak with her. So not only is this destroying YOU, it will also affect and destroy any chance you 2 might have together.

 

I have stronger days than others too. For me, it's only been about 2 months and I made the decision to go NC a week ago. Everyone's sitch is a little different and if my ex contacts me i will reply in kind. But I have decided not to initiate contact with him for at least 3-4 weeks. If I do not hear from him it will sting a little, yes. But I am also giving him the opportunity to miss me. And frankly, I am letting him be with her. Sounds crazy, huh? In the end I know that if he chooses to not come back, he will regret it in the long run. But I WILL be happy because I have done all I can and done right by myself. Be loving from a distance. Leave the door cracked if you have hope for reconciliation, but be sure to work at YOU everyday.

 

PM or IM me anytime if you ever just want to talk. I IM to others a lot and it helps.

[scorchio]

toonsy, thankyou so much for that reply.

 

Very sensible words,

 

puts things in perspective, I maybe think she hasnt had the chance to miss me yet.

 

I dont know if she is with someone or not, no way of knowing.

 

but if she was or is, then YES maybe thats what it may take in the future to wake her up to me.

 

You say very wise words that really tweaked a heart string in me I THANK YOU FOR THAT.

 

She openly admitted all the time that she had been treated like crap by all previous relationships, even the father of her daughter.

I treated them with romance she had never been used to and the daughter with respect and loving putting her 1st ALWAYS.

 

maybe one day she will realise that.

 

I will stay strong with N/C, and I do aprecdiate that is for ME

[scorchio]

it hurts liek hell

 

but I will get through this

 

I suppose its true what many say on here and generally,

 

for the dumpee, there is no choice, only way is UP

for the dumper can be either way, later on usually down as the hurt and feelings kick in when us have moved on or showing it anyway

[normal man]

reading a lot of posts and have read this one. You hear stories of people dating others and than returning and that case I have never experienced but now thinking of it, it makes me a bit uneasy in my current situation.

 

My ex of 2 years was dating someone previously for 8 yrs. They broke up on and off and had been through so much. Than she dated me for two years and now that we're broken up Im starting to worry there is a possibility she will contact him again and they'll work out something. It would be a storytale type situation if they did but you never know.

 

I guess these thoughts came about from reading posts of people hoping their loves will return after they start seeing someone else.

 

Plus I have recently started contacting my prev ex before this one and have pretty much talked to her for several hours a day on AIM. She's in a loving relationship as i can tell, and im very well over her so I have no interests. But she was my first love and I handled that break up as a mess, so there is proof we can move on and find happiness again.

 

I guess if both parties have moved on and dated other people and than come back with no resentment and to a NEW relationship that is possible. But if i was "waiting" and "hoping" on a loves return and they dated someone else and it failed and that returned to me I dont think I could take them back. But you never knoew I have never been in that situation.

 

I have a woman friend who broke up with her bf several times and for reasons as to just enjoy herself instead of being in a relationship. The kid loves her and takes her back several times. This time she has tried again and sent him an email to see if they can try again. If i was him i couldnt be somebodys doormat for when things are just comofrtable and when she gets bored she leaves. Wondering if he decides to take her back.