To cheat or not to cheat

[vortex]

Used to think that I was too faithful to cheat, but here I am today tempted to cheat on my partner of 4 yrs.

 

We've got a great relationship on all levels except for the sex. My partner was my first and only lover. The problem is that sex isn't really her thing. We talked about our problems time and time again, but in vain did the situation change. thereforeeee, I decided to compromise and accept the situation 'cause I love her and given that all my efforts to spice up things were fruitless.

 

Recently I met someone else. What started as friendship turned out to be more. This other woman attracts me sexually and we've got great chemistry. We haven't gone as far as having sex but we both desperately want to. She appreciates how complicated the situation is and doesn't want to be the "other" woman. On the other hand she can't resist the temptation and neither can I.

 

So here I am, totally and utterly human: I am tempted! As much as I love my partner, she can't satisfy my needs and I just can't resist the temptation of sleeping with this other woman.

 

So I figure that what my partner doesn't know cannot hurt her, although I will always know about what I did. Sex is nothing more than sex.

 

So here I am in this dilemma of to cheat or not to cheat. Shall I live my life with this one and only sexual partner who doesn't satisfy me? Shall I take the opportunity of experiencing sex with someone else? Shall I be a cheat given that I always hated cheats? Oh dear...

[melrich]

Break up with your partner before you get together with this other woman.

 

You can put all the excuses in the book around reasons why it should be OK for you to cheat but you know in your head that none of them hold water.

 

You cannot sustain a sexless relationship anyway so why prolong the decision.

[rosstheboss]

cheating is bad and it sounds like you are trying to justify it in some way.

Think of your partner in this case, how would she feel? How would you feel if it were the other way round.

There can only be one I'm affraid!

[Boricua7]

Cheating would be stooping to an all time low. You honestly disgust me for even considering to do something like that to someone you supposedly love.

 

Now that that's out of the way....

 

If this woman who you love so much cannot satisfy your physical needs than maybe she isn't the one for you. It may be hard to let go of her because you love her but cheating on her, on purpose no less, is not the solution to your problems. Cheating will only bring more problems. Yes, telling her that you want to see other people will hurt her but to cheat on her because you need sex will hurt her more WHEN she finds out. I say "when" and not "if" because she will find out.

 

Taking a break from eachother may prove to be a blessing in disguise. You may realize that sex with someone you don't love means nothing (I'm sorry you haven't already figured that out). You may realize that you really don't love eachother as much as you thought you did. Who knows? Let her know you still love her but you need to see other people to know for sure if you are truly meant for eachother.

 

Look, if the only reason you're still with her is that you don't want to hurt her you are more confused than I thought. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt so think of her if you really love her and either love her faithfully or move on. DON'T CHEAT ON HER ON PURPOSE if you have a heart that beats.

[Strictly4MyGrind]

How would you feel if your partner cheated on you its wrong.

 

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

 

That means loving someone despite thier flaws of something that you dislike.

So do you love you partner really? ask youself that.

[RandomAdvisor]

Break up with your partner before you get together with this other woman.

 

You can put all the excuses in the book around reasons why it should be OK for you to cheat but you know in your head that none of them hold water.

 

You cannot sustain a sexless relationship anyway so why prolong the decision.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself. Dump your current partner and then do whatever you want with this other woman.

[miracle29]

Yeah there you go buddy, thats the way to do , toss 4 yrs down the drain because of lust. Yeah give this other disrespectful woman a few pumps and that will do it.

 

I hate to be the barer of bad news but this woman has flaw too. If you have let this fling to be or fling turn you upside down this quickly and dont even have enough cooth about you to respect someone you've been with for four years than i feel sorry for your poor unsuspecting woman. Until you've been done dirty you wont know how much it hurt, and to what excuse could you provide her? Huh, what can you come up with since you seem to think you are so clever, or this other home wrecker is so clever, what exuse can you give for this betrayal to be? "Sorry honey she wanted sex and you didnt?"

 

How would you feel if she did this to you? You couldnt handle it! What kind of excuse is this you are providing? What kind of BS is this you are trying to pass off as Caviar?

 

This is shallow and i'm disappointed in you that you can't be strong enough to fight this temptress. She can't be too special if she'd mess with you knowing you belong to someone else of such a significant time frame.

 

You knew your woman wasnt sexually compatible with you from the jump, don't blame her for your greed and lack of moral.

 

 

Very disappointed

 

 

[Shadows Light]

Vortex. don't beat yourself up for it and think.. I said I'd never do this. First lesson... never say never. You always wind up eating your words.

 

I think your mind is already made up. You've taken the emotional train and involved yourself with another woman. In her head and in yours.. you've already done the unspeakable....and have only to consumate it in the phsysical sense.

 

When you list what is important in a relationship to sustain it... It usually starts out with intimacy and sex. At first it is a priority. And as the years go by and love grows.. it drops in priority. If you have a good physical relationhip. However... if you don't have a phsyical relationship or one that is satisfying to you.. it remains at the top of the food chain... while your partners priority for sex goes to the bottom. And the TWAINE shall never meet in compromise... by the sound ouf your post.. you've tried to make the ends meet.

 

What I hear you saying is that you love her. You've been rebuffed here by a few for NOT loving her. And I dont think that is the case. I think there are many forms of love and many degree's of it.

 

The other woman. You make it sound as if you are going to consumate the act. And then it will be done. You'll get it out of your system. hmmm... what about her feelings. What if she's fallen in love with you or she does fall in love with you. Are you going to expose her and leave her hurt and vulnerable. Never to trust a man again???

 

Cheating. Is not so easy. Not if you have a conscience. You will have exposed TWO women to hurt... if you embark on this adventure.

 

My advice to you....is to uncomplicate your life. As an above poster suggeted. To but it bluntly..and the way we accross the great pond like to say... "YOU HAVE ONLY ONE BEHIND... can you possibly sit on two chairs at the same time???" NO. If you try.. things will just get more complicated than they are. Confront your feelings. Confront yourself. If you have been brought to the BRINK of cheating.. then something is very very wrong. If you somehow extracate yourself from GF #2 and try to ignore this... it will only come back to haunt you... and you will grow more and more unhappy with GF#1. and you just very well may end up in this postion again and again.

 

I want to reitterate...do not beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing by questioning before you jump. This is after all an advice forum and support forum. I'm not here to make you feel bad about your choices. Everyone makes bad choices.. we're only human.. and only god is infallable.

 

I suggest... you sit down. And strongly think about the pro's and con's of staying in the 1st relationship. And if you can fix it.. How? If not.. how are you going to get out of the relationship without leaving a ship wreck and an emotionally scarred woman.

[moonunit]

i figure if you're writting about it here you're thinking about it and if youre thinking about it, you've already got one foot in the door. you're probably going to go ahead and do it.

 

do your partner a favor and break it off with her asap and don't be wishy washy - you want her you dont. but be careful...what you lust and desire right now could prove to be just that...the right here and right now. sometimes the grass isn't always greener...

 

but anyways...don't drag your current partner, just let her go. don't try to comfort her with why, don't try to tell her you'll be back, don't do anything just go. and be 100% sure that's what you want to do.

 

my 2cents

[Cadence308]

shadowslight, this is a post by a woman about another woman. I don't recall seeing anything about men in there. LOL

 

Vortex, you need to decide what you want in terms of a relationship before you think about cheating on your gf. It sounds like you want your cake and to eat it too! You would be devastated to be your gf if she were the one cheating and I guarantee if you hurt this other woman, you would hurt if you were in her shoes!

 

If you want sex and to be with this other woman, break up with your current gf and tell her your needs aren't being met in the relationship. Sure, she will be hurt, but she will appreciate your honesty in the long run vs. when she finds out you cheated on her.

[Hope75]

Sex is nothing more than sex.

 

When you are in a committed relationship and you choose to have sex with someone else it is certainly not just sex.

 

It is dishonesty, betrayal, disrespect, and disreputable. Get the picture?

 

If you are unhappy in a sexless relationship that you need to fix the issue and work it out with your gf, or leave your gf before you sleep with someone else. No one deserves to be cheated on.

 

Don't use that bogus line that you and this other woman "can't help yourselves." You certainly can and should control yourself. If you want to be with this other woman, fine, but have the common decency to break up with your girlfriend first.

[Shadows Light]

YIKES... I'm sorry about that... Don't know how I could have missed that...

 

The same advice applies.. just discard all the gender wording. Peoples feelings are feelings regardless.

[amanda22]

its funny cause when in a realtionship when sex is good its only about 10% of the realtionship but when its bad it becomes 90% of the relationship. i would never ever condone cheating. if you must and cant resist temptation then break up with her, just realize you risk losing her. if you like your realtionship then try to fix it. if you like really kinky stuff and shes not into it then do more romantic stuff to spice things up. you might want whips and chains but maybe she will go for a bubble bath for two to change the routine. soemone once told me that trashy romance novels are a good way to spice things up. its women friendly but still erotic. just dont cheat please. its so horrible i cant even beging to tell you. please dont do that to her you dont want to be that guy, you dont want to do that to someone you love.

[Cynder]

Sex is just sex huh? So if your girlfriend had sex with someone else you'de be ok with it?

[Shadows Light]

The other woman. You make it sound as if you are going to consumate the act. And then it will be done. You'll get it out of your system. hmmm... what about her feelings. What if she's fallen in love with you or she does fall in love with you. Are you going to expose her and leave her hurt and vulnerable. Never to trust again???

 

Thats exactly what I was talking about CYNDER. Its as if she's using this person as an avenue to experiment without considering her feelings... or her partners feelings. Its all about ME, ME, ME, ME... and thats wrong wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Something is not right in her primiary relationship to begin with. So she should address that issue. She'll only cause pain for herself and others if she continues down the path go infidelity.

[Day_Walker]

I think this is one indication that your partner isnt working for you and you seem to be making excuses for your reasons to cheat. I understand your reasons but its not exactly productive to your situation. You are only going to end up causing drama for yourself. You claim that this is just sex but you should admit to yourself that its more than sex because look what developed.

 

If you want to cheat thats your business but hopefully you will learn from this situation and the implications that it has within your relationship.

[gilljenn]

You know, I always said I would never be a cheater! But, this month I find myself in your shoes. Attempting to start an affair with a married man, I am married myself. It is not as easy as everyone says it is to just leave. We have 4 children between us and things are more complicated. My husband and I have always had a pact that we would break it off before we cheated. I would hate it if he did what me and my lover have done. I feel your pain. No solution

[darkblue]

Break up with your partner before you get together with this other woman.

 

You can put all the excuses in the book around reasons why it should be OK for you to cheat but you know in your head that none of them hold water.

 

You cannot sustain a sexless relationship anyway so why prolong the decision.

 

Couldn't put it better myself. Well said Melrich.

 

To cheat or not to cheat - that is not even an option!

 

The fact that you can't have sex with your current partner is more than a physical breakdown.

 

Don't cheat - make a decision.

[knglerxt]

You know, I always said I would never be a cheater! But, this month I find myself in your shoes. Attempting to start an affair with a married man, I am married myself. It is not as easy as everyone says it is to just leave. We have 4 children between us and things are more complicated. My husband and I have always had a pact that we would break it off before we cheated. I would hate it if he did what me and my lover have done. I feel your pain. No solution

 

 

Yeah. There is a solution. Don't do it.

[funnyCAgirl]

I know that the temptation is completely overwhelming. I just posted myself on a similar subject and am feel the pain of it all myself. I feel your pain.

[DN]

To cheat is to make a decision. It's giving in to temptation and to say it is overwhelming is disingenuous and evading responsibility for the decisons that you make. It's excusing bad behaviour by saying "I can't help it!". Well, you can help it - make a decision not to do it. It may not be easy to withstand temptation but it is by no means impossible.

[7CardStud]

simple answer, don't cheat...

[stressed1]

Well,

 

If ever you were going to ram home and support the female perspective that guys just regard sex as no emotional committment u are about to do it by the sounds of it. sex is just sex? well that thought and prob that act is going to throw u into a maelstrom of entanglement, almost certainly lose u ur current gf.

 

if ur not on great sexual terms with ur gf, u with her because ur great firends and respect and trust each other? that will all be lost if u go ahead with this woman. then u will have nothing. and she will find out, they almost always do, especially women as they are that much more perceptive. so u have choices, either leave ur gf or have this fling. but if the chemistry is laready there, and ur just waiting to do the act, then its already in place.

 

 

if u love this girl u wont cheat on her. period. and if u truly loved her u wouldnt see sex as being the be all and end all of ur relationship. when ur in ur 50's it will be reduced i expect anyway and ur going to be faced with the friendship and companionship. this is almost what ur dealing with now.

 

 

was ur current gf ever that much into sex? has it tailed off if so why? is there another approach u need to take to arouse her? or has sex tailed off since u met this other woman and ur not putting in the necessary time to make her feel special pre-sex?

 

all questions u should consider!

[vortex]

Hi Everyone

 

Sorry haven't replied before, didn't realise that I had so many replies to my original post. Anyway, today I read all your replies and realised that

Rule number one : make sure to have notification emails set up

Rule number two: otherwise check the forum for replies

 

Today I've read all your replies and I wished I had done so well before. But on the other hand, after everything that happened since then, I understand some of the posts much better and I can now say that I KNOW what you guys meant.

 

I cheated. Yes, I committed the sin of cheating and I made a right mess of it too. Like someone said, "I wanted to have my cake and eat it". I was guilty of cheating, but most importantly, my greatest sin was to be SELFISH! I ended up hurting both my partner and the woman I was seeing. I jeopardised my whole relationship for sex. Well, it was more than that; I got attached to this other woman and it made me question my whole view and belief about love and relationships. I was never as confused as I was before this whole thing ended.

 

Leaving someone isn't easy. I tried and I failed badly. My partner forgave me. I still can't forgive myself. I was wrong when I wrote : "Sex is nothing more than sex". It isn't, now I can appreciate this. People get attached, people fall in love, people get hurt.

 

The affair is over. The realisation of what I did, how disrespectful I was, how low I behaved, and how badly I treated both women has just started to hit me and rightly so!

 

My partner and I are still together. We are trying our best to make this work. I still can't involve myself fully in our relationship because I feel that I don't deserve my partner or her forgiveness. Something changed. The trust is gone.

 

So, "To cheat or not to cheat?" : DON'T!!! DON'T!!! DON'T!!! Be DECENT with others and with yourself.

LUST is a terrible terrible thing. I played with fire, I burnt myself and the whole house went down with it. What a fool I was not to have realised that I was no fireman!

[yeawutever]

So after all the advice given to u on not cheating and that if u wnated to get with the other woman, u had to dump ur partner, yet u went into cheating just to satisfy ur lust? Wut an excuse!!!!!!! Well I got good news for you mister, now the woman u claim to love will be distrustful for now on, she will always be wondering, no more 100% trust. And she'll always be wondering if she's satisfying u and also have those horrible thoughs of u screwing naother girl. See how u can now convince her, which i doubt it, she'll never remember you as the nice and honest, pure guy she met, she'll keep remember that single event. See wut u now have to work to, long months, even years of rebuilding trust, for wut, just for 5-10 minute lust??? Well all I can say is do all u can, i dunno, bring her flowers everyday, tell her ur schedule, i dunno, try make her think it was a mistake, in fact a huge one. Well don't mean to be judgmental but wut were u thinking!!!!!!!! Good luck, hope it heals with time.