Long term insecurities regarding sex and pornography

[thatsdancin]

Hi, I am at a bit of a loss at the moment! I have been in a relationship with a 25 yr old guy for the past 14 mths and once I became committed to him and invested myself I have been racked with insecurities about other women and the fact that he thinks porn is good and likes to masturbate lots and happily admits that thinking of other women and having sex with them is not a problem... am I alone in thinking that this is not a nice thing for a relationship or is my view tainted because I have been abused, cheated on and lied to many times???

He agreed to stop using the porn when we first started going out, but almost a year later I found traces on his computer (which he lied about), making my insecurities understandably far worse. He is curious about stuff I guess bcoz I am his first relationship and his only sexual activity was and has been with his hand. But I just feel that porn is so cheap and not about 'love'! Does anyone else agree? Anyway, since getting caught he agreed to keep away from it and if didnt he would tell me (bcoz I wanted the right to be able to choose whether I want to stay with someone hooked on porn), anyway to this day he swears 100% that he has stayed away, tho admits wanting to look, He reckons he has been able to just use his imagination and a couple of car mags with semi clad girls in them. he also uses regular hollywood movies like Sin City, tv programs etc. But just tonight he has told me that he has discovered something that he thinks I shouldnt/wont have a problem with... Adult Manga Cartoons!!!! They are xxx sometimes very lifelike looking characters basically in porn type scenarios.. A. I am a little freaked out that he could 'get off' on cartoon type characters! and also B. Its really just a substitute for pornography and the images still create that dirty/unreal reality of sex/relations. I cant help but think that porn etc. taints the mind from its original state - purity (once upon a time!) He is a decent guy generally and doesnt get off on nasty porn etc.. ie; hurting others etc. but still the whole idea of it just puts me off. I know I should probably just leave him because clearly we have seriously opposing views but I've been hanging on because I dont know if I am the one with the problem (due to abuse etc.) or if I have a natural dislike for the above and that it is not acceptable to me. Its confusing because so many people say is normal and that men have to have a visual image and it means nothing, he still loves you, chill out - even join in! etc. etc.. but the whole idea of it just seems to make me feel ill. Does anyone else without abuse/insecurities feel this way? Also it would be interesting to know if anyone with a spiritual view of things actually approves of porn. Sorry to ramble on Any of your comments would be much appreciated...

[lunatic]

I still stand by my answers that I gave you in yesterday's post on this subject.

 

 

 

You have a decision to make here. It is obvious that your not willing to listen to reason on this issue. Hey everyone has their convictions on certain issues that we are not willing to change. Most people it is religion but, in your case it is masturbation to porn. I really think you have a problem with him masturbating period and it is not fair at all to tell him to stop forever. If you want him to hold himself out for a few days that is one thing but, you CAN'T stop him forever. This is a natural process that he MUST do to relieve the built up "energy" inside. lol Your decision is wether or not you can get past the porn/masturbating issues. Personally, you will never be happy with anyone because all men masturbate (especially the ones who deny doing it). It is like putting on lipstick for a woman it is second nature to us. I think you need to bring this issue up with you therapist because you do have some problems with this.

 

I dont want you to think I am attacking you but, you have to face the facts here. Men masturbate regularly period! Wether or not we have a girlfriend/wife/friend with benefits. If we are having sex or not we will do it. So you have to make a decision on this either you ask him not to tell you anything about this porn masturbation/rubbing it in your face. Or you leave him because it is that simple.

 

Sorry if I come off as mean. I am not trying to be like that at all

 

Hub

[Beec]

We were never pure. Never. We are animals with sexual needs.

 

He has ones you are asking him to stifle. He is trying to accommodate you and meet his needs at the same time. What about if he just uses his imagination and goes at it himself, is that still taboo?

[sizzle2028]

oh hunni, im havin the same problem myself... ive been with him for 15 months not much longer then u and ur man. well 15 months tomorrow n e who. hes i swear a pornadict. he watchs it when were not together he claims to jerk off atleast once a day if we dont see each other. thats fine whatever he needs to relief or whatever. but then if i dont seen him for a few days he watchs porn. now at the beginning i was like u dont need it n e more u have me.. i will give u wat u want. why do u need porn? he agrees and i delete it. and since then hes lied to me!! every time.. im sick of the lies.. i go to his houseand BAM porn in his recycle bin.. uh duhh... im not stupid... so from that hes clearly hiding it from me.. deleteing it hopin i wont see it. so then the other day im at his house and i search and type porn... well there i go a hidden folder in his computer stacked full of amateur porn. like come on.. thats nasty.... then my insecurities are. if u liked what u had why would u want to look at that? u know.

I get so upset my heart wont stop pounding. i know its not a big deal to some people. but ive been cheated on before and didnt find out till the relationship was over. so it was hard. and there were so many lies behind my back. and i know this is just one thing. but its a lie. and it bugs me eve more. he says he likes to watch and then picture us doin what they are doin.. but htats bullcrap! what about two girls? ya.. thats us not...

i might get over it one day. who knows.. but as far as im concerned my insecurities will always be there. but the only advise i can give u that i wont even take but maybe u will.

 

not all guys are the same. and dont judge ur past relationships on the ones u have today.

 

i may one day listen to that.. but its hard to get over abusive or bad relationship that had no trust or honesty.

 

hopefully from me telling u this u will realize that this problem happens all the time.. and there are girls goin through the same situation. and as far as the cartoon stuff... he is just tryin to get around real porn. thinkin maybe u wont mind cartoon as much because its fake.. but there is still some reality to them.

 

goodluck

[birdgirl]

If you think he has a real addiction, he may need to get help. If he's just being a "normal" guy, then it's up to you to decide whether you can deal or not. I don't want to say that looking at porn is normal, but for some people, it is. You may need to find someone whose views on it are similar to yours. I've learned (the hard way) that trying to change someone is futile.

[lunatic]

I am sorry but, no where did thatsdancin say he had an addiction. She does not like the fact that he masturbates because she should be all he needs.

That is not only the most ridiculous and absurd idea I have ever heard in my life. All Men masturbate so lets not pull the wool over anyone eyes. OK he lies to you about it because he knows it upsets you. Why do you even look for it. I mean it is none of your business as to what he does with himself in this area. Men want sex all the time and when the wind blows in the right direction we get aroused. Women on the other hand can live without sex or any thoughts of sex for a lot longer than a man can. If this is such a problem here then you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone. You have some serious soul searching to do to figure out what is going on in that wonderful mind of yours.

 

Lets cut to the chase here ladies...

 

Men and women are different. PERIOD!

Sorry if your hurt because he masturbates without you but, it is something that ALL men do. If you can find a guy who says he does not do it then you either found a liar or someone who was castrated. Thats the absolute truth!

[smallworld]

What's normal? Educate yourself under "Sexual Health":

 

link removed

[thatsdancin]

i can understand and do, believe it or not, accept men masturbating. That part to me is normal and healthy. It is more about what is being utilised. You can still achieve orgasm using your own healthy imagination. I believe porn to be more on the extreme side and making the mind far more tainted and as I said earlier, 'dirtying' something that is... definitely for fun too.. but within a relationship.. love and the images etc in porn are definitely not people 'loving' each other!!!! Why do we have to dirty it up? And cartoons, please any guys think thats odd?

[Beec]

So, if he is thinking about something in his imagination, that makes it different from him looking at a representation of part of what he is imagining? I don't get that.

[thatsdancin]

Well its not so real then. Using just what the mind can create to me is far more normal/usual. The onset of the internet has given access to things that we may not have otherwise been privy too, I mean there is just no limit at all! Normal fantasies have become far more than we used to be able to imagine.

 

To be actually seeing these women doing what you might imagine makes it too real. Imagination can only go so far, whereas porn has no limits.. and as has been discussed earlier, can taint a healthy persons view of women and sex generally.

 

I mean how can viewing such explicit stuff not change/affect the way you view women on the street/generally/in your own relationships and definitely your behaviour in the bedroom? How many people end up actually being in the bedroom with you if your mind has so many images etc. floating around. What you feed your mind with, affects your behaviour, it cant not!

 

People have said it is a separate thing, but the subconscious stores every single thing it has ever seen or heard, surely this comes out in ways perhaps you are not even aware of. Im just saying that keeping it clean (ie; an untainted imagination, without porn and explicit materials is definitely more limited), and thereforeeee natural, whereas if the person has viewed lewd and explicit images/behavious/possies etc. then the mind records this so the images are burned forever.

 

It is definitely up to each individual what they want to feed their minds with but personally, there is nothing wrong with using your own imagination as was intended. Porn has been an addition to this world and with it, bringing serious problems. I know some people can handle their porn, but as I said, how do they know it is not affecting their relationships/views/behaviours in ways even they are not aware of. What you think about most, you become... that just reality.

 

Why should his need/desire to please himself with whatever takes his fancy, be more important than the feelings of his partner? Whether she is insecure or just hates porn, why is the selfish need to use it more important than happy relations. Is it really worth that much to you guys, that you would rather lose your woman and keep the porn?

 

If that is the case, then being single seems like a much better option. For myself, I think there is far more to a relationship than just sex. And if a mans needs to please himself outweigh the needs of the relationship then there is something seriously wrong. Its all self-gratification, (SELFISH).

 

I totally understand the need and desire to masturbate, but I mean cmon theres loads of stuff to think about to get off why HAVE to use porn and why the woman SHOULD HAVE to just accept it????? It hasnt always been around or as accessible so why now should women be just taking it. It is not normal, guys were not born with a porn mag or vid in their hands! It is acquired and a choice. If is not then we are being led by society and our carnal desires. Humans have evolved more than that.. we now have intelligence and choices that of course can keep us behaving like animals or choosing a more enlightened path!

Sorry got a bit carried away there... but just seems like people want to take the path of least resistance rather than strive for something better.

 

I guess this is the majority of the worlds view tho isnt it. If you want it, take it, if you like it, do it. No one cares if there are consequences to their actions, nor think deeply about what they are doing, as long as they are pleasing themselves. I'm sorry, but society saddens me. and yes I'm on my high horse

[Beec]

Yes, you are on a pretty high horse. Hope you don't fall.

[novaseeker]

There is a huge gap between how men and women view this issue (pun intended) and that all stems from the very basic, very visceral reality that men both (1) have a much stronger, persistent, demanding sex drive than women do, generally (exceptions that prove the rule aside) and (2) men are far, far more visually stimulated sexually than women are. Both of these are the genesis of pornography to the extent that it has proliferated. If men had the sexual drive and visual stimulation vectors that women do, there would still be pron of course, but it would not be as pervasive, as widepsread and as visually oriented as it is. And so there are misunderstandings among both men and women about porn and a lot of people talking past each other.

 

For women, it's typical for a woman to think that after a man watches porn, he can't respect women in real life, he is thinking about them being in porn films. That isn't the case. What women often don't understand is that men are quickly sexually stimulated, but also often compartmentalized emotionally and sexually. That means that they aren't often looking at the colleague in the cube next door as if she were in a porn video ... he compartmentalizes his relationship with her into a mode that is appropriate .. unless he is interested in pursuing her. It really has no impact, unless the use of porn has gotten to the level of an addiction ... at which point it will have all of the impacts that are typical of any other addiction: a disinterst in engaging the real world, difficulties in relationships, finances, careers and the like. But the typical male porn consumer is not an addict, and has relationships, careers, good finances and the like. The key risk for the non-addicted is what the impact is on the relationship they have with their SO ... if it is an issue there then it needs to be addressed, but not just because the woman is 'opposed to porn', but if it has an impact on their intimacy, sexual and emotional.

 

For men, men have to have a keen awareness of whether their masturbation and porn use have an impact on their emotional and sexual intimacy with their partner. If it does, then it's time to change, because it hurts both you and her. It just makes sense.

[teddy202]

Men stick up for men and they will not admit that porn could be wrong. I think that porn is just plain wrong. Sex is something that should be between two people, not a spectator sport. How can anyone, man or woman be in a committed relationship and say that it is OK to look at someone else and get off and their partner should not feel insecure about it. People in love should get off on each other, not watching someone else .

[lunatic]

The only way I see porn as a problem is when I would rather jackoff to porn than make love to my lady. Sorry, men and porn are like woman matching shoes to her purse.

 

Guys will always be visual creatures. I am sorry you feel that it is so wrong because it is something that all men do. Not all are into the super hardcore stuff out there but, we are all into our own thing when it comes to self gratification.

 

teddy202 sorry if this sounds rude but, it is none of your business what he does when he is taking care of himself. That is his business and you have no say in this matter. So stop thinking your going to change a man because you give him love and sex because men will be men.

[jevonj77]

Just like to say that not all men watch porn...I am one of them...however, I can understand these men...once you have gotten into something, it is very hard to stop and men are more visually stimulated then women are...

 

Look, it is simple...if you see that this is something that you can not live with...then you must depart from this relationship...that is all...if you are not going to depart from this relationship, then deal with this issue...

 

Unless you are willing to give this guy crazy sex as much as he watches porn, which I think you might not be willing to do, he will most likely still do that, even if it is behind your back...

 

Stop trying to say if it is right or wrong...I don't think if we came up with the answer to that ...that would have a change on your boyfriend at all...

 

the choice is yours...

[teddy202]

It most certainly is my business if he is watching porn, while taking care of himself or not. My issue is not with my man masturbating, its who he's thinking about or looking at while he does it. I gave him graphic pictures of myself for that purpose and he promises not to use porn. Are you saying that he will use it anyway, because he's a man. Thats a poor excuse !!!

[novaseeker]

It most certainly is my business if he is watching porn, while taking care of himself or not. My issue is not with my man masturbating, its who he's thinking about or looking at while he does it. I gave him graphic pictures of myself for that purpose and he promises not to use porn. Are you saying that he will use it anyway, because he's a man. Thats a poor excuse !!!

 

But here's another, related issue: if you think that any man never looks at other women with some degree of sexual interest, you are really, really kidding yourself and setting everything up for failure. Men look at other women. Period. All men do ... well at least all the hetero ones ...

 

The key issue is: what is the impact on me? If the man goes beyond looking at other women and engages them, flirts with them, and so forth, then thats a key problem and needs to be stopped because that impacts the relationship with you potentially. But if you're trying to get him to stop looking at other women, you may as well castrate him ... it would be the easiest way to do it.

 

Porn is similar: what is the impact? If it is having an impact on your sex life, you are not getting affection, intimacy, sex, time, etc. because of the porn in part, then yes it needs to be addressed because it is having an impact. If not, I think you'd be better off focusing on other things to be honest.

 

To me the key is: what is the impact.

[lunatic]

It most certainly is my business if he is watching porn, while taking care of himself or not. My issue is not with my man masturbating, its who he's thinking about or looking at while he does it. I gave him graphic pictures of myself for that purpose and he promises not to use porn. Are you saying that he will use it anyway, because he's a man. Thats a poor excuse !!!

 

But here's another, related issue: if you think that any man never looks at other women with some degree of sexual interest, you are really, really kidding yourself and setting everything up for failure. Men look at other women. Period. All men do ... well at least all the hetero ones ...

 

The key issue is: what is the impact on me? If the man goes beyond looking at other women and engages them, flirts with them, and so forth, then thats a key problem and needs to be stopped because that impacts the relationship with you potentially. But if you're trying to get him to stop looking at other women, you may as well castrate him ... it would be the easiest way to do it.

 

Porn is similar: what is the impact? If it is having an impact on your sex life, you are not getting affection, intimacy, sex, time, etc. because of the porn in part, then yes it needs to be addressed because it is having an impact. If not, I think you'd be better off focusing on other things to be honest.

 

To me the key is: what is the impact.

 

Nova I am with you on this and I could not have said this anybetter.

 

Teddy202 you have no say in what he masturbates to. PERIOD ....

Unless he is not giving you any affections or intmacy. If he would rather do it by himself instead of being with you then you have a problem. Telling a person they cannot do this or that will only cause resentment in the future. You have some issues on your own that need to be addressed because you have the Disney princess outlook on things I bet.

 

Sorry the Princess bride does not exist anymore and people are human. Sorry but, he is going to do what he wishes and he will lie to you about it. So would you rather him lie to you or worse go out looking for something to replace the porn with a real woman or call girl?

 

You cannot change a person who is set in their ways. Sorry when a man jacks it to porn they are not look at that woman and compairing them to you. He is with you because he is attracted to you and loves you. So why are you going to ruin all that because when your not around he jacks it to porn?

 

Face it if he wants someone else it is not hard for people to find someone to sleep with. It happens all the time and has even happened to me more than once. So I guess after this rant about porn is about out of steam. I leave you one more piece of wisdom. If you love him and he loves you then what is the problem? Everyone has fantasies including you so what is the problem? Whats next his dreams? What he cannot dream about other people?

 

If you love this person then nothing else matters be yourself and be happy together.