I don't want to die an old maid!

[lady_jules]

I am 21, normal, fairly attractive... but I am still a virgin. I haven't even had a boyfriend since high school. When I tell people this they always say that it is totally normal and admire that I am waiting for someone special. The truth of it is that I do want someone special, but I am getting to the point where I feel like my virginity gets in the way of me feeling like a sexual being. I feel like I need something to break me out of my shell so that I feel like there isn't something wrong with me. I know that it sounds pretty stupid, but should I try sleeping with someone that I am physically attracted to even though I know that there probably won't be a lasting relationship? Looking for confidence in a one night stand sounds ludicrous, but I haven't so much as kissed a guy in four years, and it's not like I am so young that I'd be scarred or something... help me out here.

[MetallicAguy]

You shouldn't be wanting to get rid of your virginity, what's so bad about sharing it with that special someone. There's nothing wrong with you for being a virgin. There's others out there that range in there 20's and 30's and are still virgins. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just they haven't met there special someone yet.

[pizzachick13]

What you're saying sounds reasonable and logical, but your virginity is something special. Don't you wish that you could keep your virginity for that special person?

 

I'm sorry, I'm sounding like an old woman. In any case, I think that losing your virginity with a one night stand would be kinda wrong, but that's me. Have you tried going to clubs and bars and things like that to meet people? Perhaps a dating service? You're not going to die an old maid, you're still very young and there's someone out there for all of us.

 

Good luck.

 

Sappho...

[liquidsilk]

i agree with both of you. your virginity is something to hold on to. when you do find someone special, and get married, or however it is you do things, it will feel more special, and you wont have to regret losing it before.

[Burning_Down]

Lady_jules, you put a big responsibility on anyone answering your question. Nobody can tell you what you're going to feel like after you lose your virginity.

 

I'm 27 and I've slept with a few women in my time. Sometimes it's been in the context of a loving relationship and, to be honest, there is an extra element to that which you don't get when you're with someone you don't have that close bond with. However, even when that bond hasn't been there I haven't regretted sleeping with those women...except on a couple of occasions - that's what I mean by 'not knowing how you'll feel'.

 

Once or twice I've woken up in the morning just feeling guilty and knowing that things couldn't go any further. That's why the easy answer is to say that you should wait until you find someone you really care about before you have sex for the first time.

 

Having said all that, I'm not really a great advocate of 'the first time' being a big deal. If the first time is a disappointment but the second is amazing, who cares?

[lady_jules]

I don't just want to sleep with any guy off the street. I am really only attracted to guys after I get to know them. I used to think that my virginity was something special, but I really don't anymore. I just don't see sex as being that big of a deal... let me explain that, it sounds wrong... I think that sex is important (otherwise I wouldn't care that I was a virgin), but I don't think that there is some magical innocence that one looses after sex. I don't know anyone else my age who is still a virgin. I just want to get my first time over with, and with someone I know so that I can stop feeling weird about the whole issue.

[Chesnick]

Portland. Cool. Anyway...

 

I have a friend who was in the exact same position a while back. She was 21 and a virgin, and she didn't want to be anymore, but she didn't want to lose it to just anybody. So you know what she did? She lost it with a friend she's known for a while, who she thought was attractive but didn't really want anything serious with. She doesn't seem to have any regrets...other than that now she's 'tasted blood', and wants to have sex again but still doesn't have anybody to really do it with.

 

I'm not saying this is what you should do. I can't tell you what to do, really. The thing is, losing your virginity is a big deal if you THINK it's a big deal. Yes, you are always going to remember your first time, but remembering doesn't mean regretting. It's natural to want to wait for someone special, but you really don't know who is going to be 'the one'. now I'm rambling.

 

Look: if you want to be a sexual being, go ahead. That's what humans are. You don't have to lower your standards or anything; just do what you think feels good.

[Miss M]

Here's another relevant thread on this topic...

link removed

[lady_jules]

I suppose that I feel like I just want to get rid of the stigma that goes along with being a virgin... I am beyond ready, so I might as well just take action, right? But then how does one take action? I only have a few single guy friends... only one of whom I find attractive... but how do I not sound pathetic or cheap?

[whatfor]

hello lady_jules... just want to add my 2 cents.

 

i had my first kiss, touch and everything from a man, including making love when i was 20,5 years old. No sex is no big deal, for me it is only about making love. And yes i also waited for someone special, and that guy i had known for 2 years, and i also wanted just one special person in my life.

Anyway again, IMHO, sex is no big deal, its all about making love (to me) and making love is something you can do only with someone you love.

You sound pretty much like me, so i would just say, forget about how old you are (you are not even close to an old maid!) and forget about wrong standarts people have these days, just do what you think is right for you.

Dont have sex just to get rif of your virginity, no sex is nothing magic, but with someone special when there is love involved, it is magic.

[Miss M]

I suppose that I feel like I just want to get rid of the stigma that goes along with being a virgin...

But this seems like you just want to lose your virginity because you don't want the "stigma." If so, that just doesn't seem like a good reason to do it. Of course, if you're "beyond ready" I'm not trying to talk you out of it either. But just be clear about why you're doing it. And while you're sorting it out, take a look at what kind of relationship you have with yourself.

[girl_83]

Be carefull of what u choose to do sweety. Like the old saying goes 'Virginity is like a bubble..one prick and its gone' and remember..once its gone, u can never get it back.

Theres nothing wrong with being a virgin. Im sure theres many girls out there that regret ever having sex with someone that didnt mean much to them and would do anything to get there virginity back.

[hardcharger]

Lady Jules you are on the right track! Go for it and good luck. Just don't get pregnant!!!!! Soon enough nature will take its' course.

[Beec]

Wow, I don't get this issue at all. You are a virgin, so what. Do you think that scares guys off? And if so, what guys? Look, I have been offered the chance to be the first on a number of occasions. I only took it once. Why? Because when i took it, I loved her and thought someday she would be the one for me. We were in love. With the others, I was not going to ever head in the direction. I decided not to have sex with them because I did not want to be the guy she just got laid with to get rid of her virginity. The last one I turned down, if you need to say it that way, I'm very glad I did. She was engaged within the year and now has two children.

 

I think you should concentrate on what else is keepign guys away from you than just your virgnity. If you met a guy tomorrow and did not tell him, why would he not be trying?

 

Overall, the losing it to lose it idea is not a good one, IMO.

[Jetta]

Okay you're trying to hard. Please don't get into this desperate feeling. There will be a guy out there for you. You will get in trouble if you just accept whoever comes because he does. Please have your main criteria in mind and don't stray from it. You will be better off by holding your ground that you ever will be by getting with someone because you're feeling lonely.

[Jaela]

Ok, you are not going to die an old maid. You are only 21. I lost my virginity six months ago, when I was 24. I do not regret waiting in the least bit. I am no longer with the guy, but those moments were moments made in genuine love. I waited until I was ready and you should too. You will know when you've met the right one, trust me, hon.

[Jinx]

I'm sure this line of advice has already been well covered but still adding in my opinion on the subject.

 

I would think keeping your virginity for so long would be pleasing, most people as you've noticed admire the ability for that sort of self control. Also, you realize, 21 isn't old. You're just beginning life in most ways. It isn't time to break out and start having sex for the sake of well, having sex.

 

You realize no matter how you work with the situation you'll still have baggage from it. If you have sex now in a non-commited physical manner as you spoke of, fine and dandy if you don't develop feelings and remain numb, but what if you gain emotions for the one you were with? It would be hard to know that the other isn't interested in anything but sex or that you two outside of physical aren't compatible. Of course this would hurt a lot more than saying "Oh dear me, I'm a virgin, how out is this.", really.

 

Thirdly, you know not only emotional attachment possible, but depending just who you would want to have sex with to cease and desist with the virginity title you can pick up a lovely bunch of STDs or become pregnant. Possible anytime you have sex, protection or not. Protection helps but I'm sure we've all heard the hundred tales of "I used protection, how did I get pregnant then?". If the man is willing to sleep around, good chance you're at risk.

 

My thoughts in general are - Rather be called a virgin and admired than called a [insert choice name here] for sleeping with whom ever to get rid of your virginity. Further, what if it becomes a habit so to speak? I think all in all you'd be better off waiting for that special someone who you can share this with instead of give it away to somebody who never cares anyways outside of indulging physically. So much that can go wrong, whereas in a good relationship (no matter how long it takes to get there) less chance for problems in most cases. You know the person better and they're more concerned about your well being than a stranger or someone you know as nothing but a friend with benefits.

[Tigris]

I lost my virginity at 22! (fiance)

 

Look don't worry about it. I had a relationship with a boy when I was 13-16. The 1st year we didn't even hold hands! As the hormones kicked in we got carried away but no sex. In the latter teenage years I kissed men and it felt like I was kissing my brother!

 

At 23 I was married and yes I made a mistake it lasted for 5 years.

 

We all make mistakes but don't go ahead and lose your virginity just to get rid of it! The first time for anyone is usually quick, hardly any emotions, etc.

 

You're going to feel used afterwards if it's not with a person you really care for!

 

Don't get me wrong, I did think of that when I was your age. But it was the best decision I ever made!

 

Good Luck.

[wccjr]

Stigma for being a virgin?? That's certainly a good thing at 21 (or even 30 if your not married). It's better than the stigma of someone considering you a whore.

[dnb007]

For me, if I wanted to get into a long term relationship with a girl and I find out she is not a virgin, it would be a turn-off for me cuz it seems like I'm getting some1 elses 'seconds'. If you lost it to someone you loved, it would be so much more meaningful and if you decided to spend the rest of your life with that person, you'd be glad that you waited. Just my 2 cents

[ShySoul]

I think that sex is important (otherwise I wouldn't care that I was a virgin), but I don't think that there is some magical innocence that one looses after sex. I don't know anyone else my age who is still a virgin. I just want to get my first time over with, and with someone I know so that I can stop feeling weird about the whole issue.

 

Losing your viginity isn't about losing your innocence. Its about finding something that you hadn't had before. It's about being with one special person who cares about you and loves you. Its about sharing your body, heart and soul with someone. You don't lose anything from it, you should only gain. There is nothing to feel weird about. You haven't met the right person yet. One day you will and you will have sex, but when it happens it should be completely out of love and not any desire to "get it over with." I'm 22 and as virgin as it gets, and if anything I'm proud of it. I don't feel weird and however long it takes to end up with the right girl is how long I'm going to wait. When I give it up, its going to be cause I love her, not because I'm tired of being a virgin.

[asdf]

if you want to lose your virginity, i'd be glad to help out with that if we ever meet!

[Tigris]

Now there's an offer you can't refuse!

[ShySoul]

Didn't know this was a dating/adult site.

 

At least be a gentleman and offer to take her to dinner first.