I can't commit

[precious_babae]

Dear viewers, I really need some help!! I have been dating this guy named Michael for about two years now. This isn't my first long term relationship because I had another two year relationship before him. But anyways, I am really unhappy with the outcomes. I have been trying to wait it out but it seems I only am hurting more the longer i wait. He is really trying to make things better, but I can't help the way Im feeling. I just want to be friends and I tell him that. However, he always guilt trips me in some way to stay and then I feel like I should stay. You see, he lost his mom last year and had to move in with his dad. In that time, he also lost his two year old brother because he had a different father and he has joint custody for him where he gets him 5 days a month. After this all happened, I began to feel a whole lot of overwhelming responsibility and I basically became a mother....at the age of 17. He really wants to be with me and says that he IS happy and he feels there is nothing wrong. He doesn't understand that I just want to be friends. And honestly, I really do want to be friends. But nothing more and nothing less. I am wrapped up so much in this cob web I can see no way out. He wants to be with me forever, and at first I thought I did too. I have begun thinking about other guys and what it would "be like with them" and I know that's a bad sign. He is just SOOOO clingy. He is with me from morning til night, watching my every move. And when he isn't with me, he calls me ALL the time. For example, I went to go get my toenails done, and he didn't know where I was.. I missed 19 calls in 45 minutes. And he is SO extremely jealous of every guy, even his best friend that is dating my best friend!! If he so much as lends me his sweatshirt when im cold, Michael FREAKS out. I can't talk to anybody on the phone, I can't hang out if he's not there, SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF THE MESS IVE CREATED FOR MYSELF!

[arwen]

Hey precious,

 

It seems like you are blaming this all on yourself. I don't think it's strange to not be able to commit 1. to someone that you'd rather be just friends with and 2. at the age of 18. The weight of this relationship seems too heavy on your shoulders, too heavy to enjoy it.

 

Your bf must be going through a hard time, after the loss of his mom and the separation of his brother. I can understand that it is very difficult to break up with him, although that is probably what you'd want to do if circumstances where different in his life. But then again, you might not have felt as smothered as you do right now if his circumstances were different.

 

I think you should follow your own feelings. It will be hard, but in the end I think no one gains anything by staying in a relationship where one of the partners is unhappy.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[lady00]

Sounds like you need to break up. Do it somewhere where you can walk away if he starts trying to guilt-trip you. And then initiate no contact. He will probably try to contact you for a while and if it gets too much, you should change your contact info. Don't stay in a relationship you're not happy in...he sounds very clingy and even controlling, and his jealousy seems to be out of control...not a good situation for you. Tell him it's over and stick to your guns. Don't budge. Tell him and if he tries to talk you out of it, feel free to refuse to talk to him. You don't need to hear that.

[jillybean]

get out. please.

 

take it from a girl who knows. your story is just like mine - almost word for word.

 

my guy wanted to be with me forever. thought he would be. never expected not to be, couldn't see any reason why he shouldn't talk about us moving in together after school, about him cooking for me when we were MARRIED.

 

i wasn't a commitment-phobe before the guy but he certainly traumatised me.

 

get out now.

take it from a girl who knows - people shouldn't be reduced to that.

he should not be that dependant on you. he's become obsessive and clingy as hell and it's not a healthy way for him to be. you have to break it off for the sake of his sanity!!

and your own.

 

my guy guilted me into staying with him for a LOT longer than i wanted to.

it felt awful. the longer it went on for, the more miserable i became.

he wanted to spend every second of every day with me, and was miserable when he couldn't.

he'd pick fights and flip out over every little thing because he was so insecure all the time about everything i did and said.

 

he knew i was miserable. i was just going through the motions with him. it didn't mean a thing to me. i loved the guy to bits, but i was certainly NOT in love with him. i stayed with him to keep him happy. i'd've gladly been friends with him... but i couldn't bring myself to end it.

i looked for excuses EVERYWHERE... i kept changing over and over again where i wanted to go to college... and eventually refused to tell him. because wherever i decided, i wanted it to be AWAY from him. so we had to break up.

i racked my brain thinking of excuses but apart from him constantly trying too hard and suffocating the crap outta me, there were no solid ones i could use in a "it's not working out" speech.

 

but d'ya know what?

a woman i worked with told me, you don't need an excuse. you don't need to wait for an opportunity. ESPECIALLY when you're this young. you're not happy. that's the only reason you'll need and you can't let him guilt you into wasting years that aren't MEANT for commitment anyway!

 

you're not happy and you're becoming even LESS happy with every passing day cos he's becoming more paranoid and dependant and you're feeling more and more trapped.

 

he will be ok.

you are not his mother and i know it's hard to think about whether he can cope without you but, god, i know from experience chick, he'll land on his own two feet and he'll learn to live independently and i bet he'll even thank you some day!

my guy did.

a week ago, actually...

 

anyway. look, go over what you wanna say - write it down. be clear and strong and firm. don't call it a "break" and say that after a while you can become friends again, but not right away!

right away doesn't work. you can't go straight into a parallel relationship. you need a recovery period.

no, HE needs a recovery period. trust me, you will not be able to be in ANY relationship with him, even friendship, until he breaks this habit and learns not to be so needy and dependant. i tried skipping the "space" and the "time apart"... it didn't go well. they're important.

 

you must be clear and definate when you break it to him, don't let him change your mind. have your mind made up before you see him and keep repeating it to yourself in your head that it must be done.

go over it a LOT and be certain of what exactly you want to say, then maybe meet him at a cafe - or somewhere public so he's less likely to freak out.. - speak calmly and sternly. try not to let yourself over-apologise because then you'll cave and fail.

when it's said, get up, get out. walk away.

 

you've got to know this HAS to be done, for both your sakes.

 

don't put it off any longer and don't look for him to hand you an excuse. you don't need any excuse other than you're not happy.

[HaloDestroyer]

Well, it seems like I'm the only guy posting in this thread....

 

Guess I better stick up for the team...

 

Listen, Precious? Your boyfriend IS going through an extremely hard time..

 

Why is it whenever things get down to the lowest of the low, partners usually leave when you need them the most?

 

I'm not sure you need to break up with him?! Just explain to him you're not ready for all this commitment.

 

Tell him to back off, not **** off.

 

Hope this gave a different insight.

 

XxX-Ben-xXx

[jillybean]

halodestroyer... i'm well aware it's a pretty tough situation for the guy.

 

but do you really think it's ok for him to have been reduced to that..? do you think it's better to drag it out? when he's clearly only getting worse?

where's the dignity every person's entitled to?

he can't stand five seconds without the girl and she can't have her own life!

she can still be there for him, but for now he needs more than anything to learn to stand on his own feet and, trust me, talking it out can't change someone as drastically as is needed here...

i tried... everyone who knew him tried.

 

in my situation, it's been a few months since it happened, and if you look at the guy now, he has never been better.

he's happier, more confident, and more fun that i can ever remember him being.. and he's so much more like the guy i met.

i missed that guy. i thought he had changed forever and left because i couldn't see a single part of him i recognised anymore.. i thought i'd left it too late and i regretted not ending it SOONER.

 

yeah he went through hell.. he's told me so. and i checked up on him through his friends. it was awful for him.

but he got through it on his own and he thanked me.

 

i didn't expect that.. at the time i was so mixed up myself and, i'll admit, it was partially for selfish reasons - and just not being able to cope anymore - that i ended it. but it had a lot to do with having to see someone i cared about so much being reduced to this new person who didn't seem to have any strength left in him.

 

but he's said since that it was just what he needed.. it snapped him out of it. me and him have now - after a long break - been able to go back to being friends. the way we were before we ever hooked up.

he's found a new girlfriend too - who is a sweetheart, by the way - and the three of us often hang out together.

 

you might think us girls really don't give a damn, but why do you think she's put herself through this for this long in the first place? why do you think she didn't just dump the guy on a whim? she cares about him and doesn't want to hurt him, but staying with him is destroying him!

[jillybean]

i loved this guy! i still DO.

you're well entitled to your opinion and all, but i don't think it's fair at all to imply we're not even considering that the guy's having a "rough time"..

so is she! she needs someone too, and where is he?

this girl's subject line was "i can't commit"

committing has been something she's been trying to do, something she's been prepared to do... for him!

DESPITE the fact she's miserable.

because she cares about him. she's been thinking way too MUCH about him through this!

 

do you think she didn't TRY telling him to back off? she has said she tried to break up with him a few times and was guilted into staying.

 

it's a messy situation... but it can't go on the way it is.