jillybean

i'm going mad. i'm with this guy - my ex. and we've gotten really close again. it's as if we're back together, but without the title. he's not the type to just mess around with people - he's a serious-relationship guy. no flings. so that makes me think he wouldn't be with me now - for the past couple months!!! - if he didn't think something'd come of it. we broke up..badly before. i really hurt him. i didn't cheat on him..but hurt him very badly. i was a psychological mess when he met me. i had a very hard few years - 7 years! - and when he met me i was reluctant to let him in. i'd settled into bein antisocial and just not caring anymore. i didn't have the confidance to be around people. when he approached me, the first time, i was convinced it must be a dare. or a trick of the light and he'd realise his mistake once he got closer!! but..he was insistant. and never gave up on me. and i got over it and my confidence finally made it's way out of the minus figures..! i slowly became the outgoing, bubbly person i used to be. i had no idea it was affecting him though. when i'd meet up with his friends - at the start - i'd clam up.. be really quiet. it sometimes came accross as ignorant or unfriendly, but i just didn't know what to say. didn't know what it was people said!!!! it'd been so..so long since i'd given up trying...given up expecting anyone to like me! and i was always so nervous! so at the start - unable to see past my insecurities - i ended up making it a "me or them" situation with his friends. i never intended to. i was blind. and he didn't see it happenening. just naturally avoided the more uncomfortable situations. but as we started to fall, deep, for each other...he wanted to spend more and more time with me. and started to drift from them. within a few months i was startin to snap out of it. and still have no idea what that good looking, popular, fun, passionate, interesting, opinionated guy originally saw in ME-his exact opposite! but he showed me what he saw. and once i WAS able to see past it, i suddenly could see he was drifting dangerously from his friends and becoming dependent on me. as i was still more or less socially retarded, and had NO previous experience with anything like this, i didn't know how to fix it, or even that it was my fault. i was just terrified by it. i felt like he'd paid for my recovery! or that i was dragging him down with me..! i was so scared, anxious...but couldn't tell him why. so i'd be preoccupied around him. and sometimes cold. and moody. so he got paranoid - especially when i couldn't tell him what was wrong. his paranoia frustrated and panicked me. made me more moody. bordering on * * * * *y and cruel. which made him more paranoid. etc etc etc. viscious circle. that eventually broke us up because i couldn't bear the guilt anymore - i was tearing him apart. he got over me. i was away all summer. but i never stopped thinking about him. and am still in love with him. and now..now..he's over me. but he's now with me!! and i know he wouldn't mess me around because we've become really close friends again. i'm in limbo. this doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. forward or backwards. but my head's spinning from it all!!! it's so frustrating - i've no idea what to think, what i should say, where i stand, what i can do... i mean, jesus! he suggested going to tenerife with me and some friends in august! and to my prom!! both MONTHS away!! so he must see it going somewhere. or he must at least be open to change.. but says again and again and again how he can't see me being his girlfriend again as a possibility - because he doesn't think he can trust me. fair enough if i cheated, fair enough if i did something wrong...well i DID - i treated him awfully. but that was just a result of my total inability to cope. i've gotten better. i've learned a lot and i have become much stronger. and smarter. and more confident - a LOT more. and i know i wouldn't * * * * up this time. and we talk so so much...but i get no answers! none that satisfy me. what he says seems the opposite to what he does, y'know? i don't know what he's really thinking. am i wasting my time? i'm utterly miserable and think the smartest thing - for my own sake - would be to eff off and finally make myself get over him. unimaginable, but necessary, right? but i can't give up on this.. i can't give him up again. even if this IS hard for me..i half-have him.. and if this is the last time we'll ever be together i wouldn't give that up.. i'll deal with any damage it does later - i've the rest of my life to! no worries!! i can't be the one to end it again. i can't give him up. i can't give up on the hope that it MIGHT go somewhere. that i might be able to make him come round - like he did for me at the very start..! AAAAAGH i'm going mad any any ANY comments, criticisms, or advice of any kind are welcome and very much appreciated..

ah i know that last bits not true... i know he still cares about me.. and i think she was more a rebound than anything else... ..i just feel worthless. and pretty pissed off at his ingratitude! heh...nah, not really... i hurt him. i deserve it. but, god! i'm STILL hurting and he's long over it. and everything i intended to happen for him did, i wanted what was best for him! but i'd no idea it'd be at such a ridiculous cost to myself.. then again, if i had known, i'd've probably done the exact same anyway.

i'm in bits..so excuse this little ramble... i'm pretty mixed up at the moment.. i broke up with my first love a year ago.. towards the end of the year. just before the summer. we're in school together, so minute the summer ended, i couldn't avoid him anymore. well, not as easily. (trust me, i tried.) i've analysed and analysed and analysed what happened so many times...and no matter how clear the facts become in my mind it doesn't make me feel any better. he was only a half year younger than me, but so much more immature... and got too dependant on me. don't get me wrong, i felt so deeply in love with him and for a while there was a balance, but then i started to pull back. i didn't see any other choice. i could see he'd drifted almost completely from his friends and started to worry it was unhealthy for him.. i was scared. and there was no talking to him so i shrugged it off and gave up. fear makes me snappy and moody sometimes...and me being so hostile to him all the time made him paranoid i was losing interest and he became even more dependant. which frustrated me more! his world shrank. i was all he could see and i didn't know how to fix it. the guilt was killing me and nothing i said did any good - he'd get mad and refuse to listen to what i had to say, the important parts. i tried so hard. he'd get defensive and attack me - "of course you're the most important thing to me!!! i thought i was to you!" was all i could get out of him. all i did by trying to explain how it was making me uneasy to see him ignore friends he'd had for years just upset him.. i eventually couldn't handle it anymore - watching him destroy his life over me - the guilt was unbearable. but nothing to what i feel now. breaking up with him destroyed him, especially cos he couldn't understand why. and then i refused to stay friends - i couldn't. it was too hard to be "just friends" with him when i loved him so much beyond that. i disappeared from his life, trying to make it easier for him....god, i missed him... during the summer when we were apart, he got a new girlfriend. which delighted me! i was thrilled because she seemed to have cheered him up. he'd started hanging round with his old friends, and made so many new ones i've lost count. he was always such a social person..which is why it was such a pity when i seemed to have ruined that.. even the few times i saw them together, i wasn't jealous. i was happy for him! i'd been with guys since. plenty. none i cared about, though. so when i started texting him again to rebuild the friendship, and he started talking about this "connection" he had with her, i was devestated. i suppose i always expected to get back together with him. they broke up. (she said to me that things just got too serious too fast) and as me and him began getting closer again...i realised i was in trouble. i'm still in love with him. i came clean about everything. the way i treated him, the reason i said what i said, acted the way i did, how i felt through it, since...and that i still had feelings for him. but now he's saying he doesn't want another relationship for ages. how long's ages, i asked. he said, between me and him, "ages" is permanent. said that he'll always love me, but what happened will always be in the back of his mind. and he won't be able to trust me. he's the sort of guy who, when he falls for someone, he wants it to be forever. he doesn't trust that it can be with me. i really think it's unrealistic to want that when he's so young..but shamefully enough, for him, i'd commit to it. but he doesn't think it's worth a chance. i don't understand...i did the only thing i could. even looking back now i can't see any way out. putting it off longer would only have meant things got even worse.. and i left it this long to tell him how i felt because i thought it was safe to now. that he'd have recovered enough to understand and make a decision in his right mind...instead of out of the desperate need to have me back which consumed him for months afterwards... everything i did i did for him. it was indescribably painfull for me..maybe even more so than it was for him..to be forced to let go of someone you love, then to have them hate you because you can't tell them the truth as to why.. (if i had, he'd have talked me out of it) he's so much happier in himself now. so much better off. all the signs seem to be that i did the right thing. but i still regret it more than anything i've ever done. i love him so much and gave up EVERYTHING when i gave him up. and did it all for him. and he doesn't even want to consider giving me a second chance. he wants a "conclusion", though...and though i'd give anything to feel him hold me one last time, i don't know if it'd do me any good... i've sacrificed a lot for him already, and a taste of what i can never have again might make it even harder than it already is to let go. then again...i miss him so much.. and maybe it'd be the closure i need. or at least a nice way to say goodbye to what we had, on good terms instead of how it ended before... almost like a tribute.. on top of it all, i want us to stay friends...because that was the best part of our relationship... i'm so confused as to what i should do... anyone with any opinion on this or advice... there must be some way to convince him to give it another try. but i have too much pride to beg, or even try talking him into it. plus i'm scared he'll tell me i didn't mean as much as he did to me..that he found something similar in that other girl..that he realised there's plenty more opportunities out there and i'm nothing special.... rrrrrrrrrrrgh i'm just so angry and i've been so honest with him the past week - answered every question he had, however painfull. what more can i do?

i can't believe i said that myself.. that's not me! i'm the first to go rushing into something regardless of the consequences.. i'm - USUALLY - far too impatient to wait around, and i've always been dangerously impulsive. i like things better that way. it was impulse last time i told him - in the middle of a completely normal conversation! i always say to myself how much more i'll regret NOT taking the chance - and i've done some pretty stupid things, but i've always been happier with my decision because i didn't just watch an opportunity go by! i dunno what's different this time. i'm putting it off again and again and overthinking the whole thing... this isn't like me. yer right. next time i see him, if i feel the same (which i obviously will..) then i'll go for it. thanks. that little "cliché" really helped knock some sense into me...

i loved this guy! i still DO. you're well entitled to your opinion and all, but i don't think it's fair at all to imply we're not even considering that the guy's having a "rough time".. so is she! she needs someone too, and where is he? this girl's subject line was "i can't commit" committing has been something she's been trying to do, something she's been prepared to do... for him! DESPITE the fact she's miserable. because she cares about him. she's been thinking way too MUCH about him through this! do you think she didn't TRY telling him to back off? she has said she tried to break up with him a few times and was guilted into staying. it's a messy situation... but it can't go on the way it is.

thanks for posting. anyway.. yeah... i don't know. i mean... it COULD go really really well.. he could miraculously decide he likes me, that he'd just overlooked me, blah blah.. but how likely is that? how likely is the BEST case scenario? it's either one possible fantastic outcome, or several hundred possible bad ones.. and with such crummy odds.. is it worth it at all?

halodestroyer... i'm well aware it's a pretty tough situation for the guy. but do you really think it's ok for him to have been reduced to that..? do you think it's better to drag it out? when he's clearly only getting worse? where's the dignity every person's entitled to? he can't stand five seconds without the girl and she can't have her own life! she can still be there for him, but for now he needs more than anything to learn to stand on his own feet and, trust me, talking it out can't change someone as drastically as is needed here... i tried... everyone who knew him tried. in my situation, it's been a few months since it happened, and if you look at the guy now, he has never been better. he's happier, more confident, and more fun that i can ever remember him being.. and he's so much more like the guy i met. i missed that guy. i thought he had changed forever and left because i couldn't see a single part of him i recognised anymore.. i thought i'd left it too late and i regretted not ending it SOONER. yeah he went through hell.. he's told me so. and i checked up on him through his friends. it was awful for him. but he got through it on his own and he thanked me. i didn't expect that.. at the time i was so mixed up myself and, i'll admit, it was partially for selfish reasons - and just not being able to cope anymore - that i ended it. but it had a lot to do with having to see someone i cared about so much being reduced to this new person who didn't seem to have any strength left in him. but he's said since that it was just what he needed.. it snapped him out of it. me and him have now - after a long break - been able to go back to being friends. the way we were before we ever hooked up. he's found a new girlfriend too - who is a sweetheart, by the way - and the three of us often hang out together. you might think us girls really don't give a damn, but why do you think she's put herself through this for this long in the first place? why do you think she didn't just dump the guy on a whim? she cares about him and doesn't want to hurt him, but staying with him is destroying him!

get out. please. take it from a girl who knows. your story is just like mine - almost word for word. my guy wanted to be with me forever. thought he would be. never expected not to be, couldn't see any reason why he shouldn't talk about us moving in together after school, about him cooking for me when we were MARRIED. i wasn't a commitment-phobe before the guy but he certainly traumatised me. get out now. take it from a girl who knows - people shouldn't be reduced to that. he should not be that dependant on you. he's become obsessive and clingy as hell and it's not a healthy way for him to be. you have to break it off for the sake of his sanity!! and your own. my guy guilted me into staying with him for a LOT longer than i wanted to. it felt awful. the longer it went on for, the more miserable i became. he wanted to spend every second of every day with me, and was miserable when he couldn't. he'd pick fights and flip out over every little thing because he was so insecure all the time about everything i did and said. he knew i was miserable. i was just going through the motions with him. it didn't mean a thing to me. i loved the guy to bits, but i was certainly NOT in love with him. i stayed with him to keep him happy. i'd've gladly been friends with him... but i couldn't bring myself to end it. i looked for excuses EVERYWHERE... i kept changing over and over again where i wanted to go to college... and eventually refused to tell him. because wherever i decided, i wanted it to be AWAY from him. so we had to break up. i racked my brain thinking of excuses but apart from him constantly trying too hard and suffocating the crap outta me, there were no solid ones i could use in a "it's not working out" speech. but d'ya know what? a woman i worked with told me, you don't need an excuse. you don't need to wait for an opportunity. ESPECIALLY when you're this young. you're not happy. that's the only reason you'll need and you can't let him guilt you into wasting years that aren't MEANT for commitment anyway! you're not happy and you're becoming even LESS happy with every passing day cos he's becoming more paranoid and dependant and you're feeling more and more trapped. he will be ok. you are not his mother and i know it's hard to think about whether he can cope without you but, god, i know from experience chick, he'll land on his own two feet and he'll learn to live independently and i bet he'll even thank you some day! my guy did. a week ago, actually... anyway. look, go over what you wanna say - write it down. be clear and strong and firm. don't call it a "break" and say that after a while you can become friends again, but not right away! right away doesn't work. you can't go straight into a parallel relationship. you need a recovery period. no, HE needs a recovery period. trust me, you will not be able to be in ANY relationship with him, even friendship, until he breaks this habit and learns not to be so needy and dependant. i tried skipping the "space" and the "time apart"... it didn't go well. they're important. you must be clear and definate when you break it to him, don't let him change your mind. have your mind made up before you see him and keep repeating it to yourself in your head that it must be done. go over it a LOT and be certain of what exactly you want to say, then maybe meet him at a cafe - or somewhere public so he's less likely to freak out.. - speak calmly and sternly. try not to let yourself over-apologise because then you'll cave and fail. when it's said, get up, get out. walk away. you've got to know this HAS to be done, for both your sakes. don't put it off any longer and don't look for him to hand you an excuse. you don't need any excuse other than you're not happy.

if it's who you are, why change it? like you said, you have that one friend you can count on. that's really all you need in life, one good friend. there's no advice you need to "fix" being a nice guy.. :S and the gas mask thing is common sense and really has little to do with selfish choices.......

you went to the house already, that was a very brave thing to do and exactly what you needed to do. some people can get like that, form grudges and decide - often for no reason at all - that they don't like you. and a lot of the time it can't be helped. you say your girlfriend will defend you, and at least you know her dad has given you a chance. but you know this woman's unreasonable - the way she treats her daughter and bullies her husband makes it clear she's not the nicest of people. and in everyone's life there will be people like that... people you'll never be able to please. people you just can't fix things with. you and your girlfriend are old enough now for her not to be much of an obstacle. it's up to her to get used to the idea. and if she can't, then there's nothing more you can do about it than what you're already doing. continue trying your best to be civil, continue just the way you're going. and just... try to live with it. i'm sure your girlfriend is more than worth it.

hehe... shes2smart... i liked that post. no friendship is ever selfless. that's not friendship! any relationship is give AND take. "selflessness" is rare, and ought to stay that way.

i had this as a reply within another conversation.... but i need some serious advice.. so let's make it a new topic... i just joined this site today... i was looking for help and running out of places to go... so came online for the first time in AGES. i'm attempting to get over a crush... a friend, a BEST friend... yay... i've liked him since... february i guess. and that's when i first told him! it was 2 weeks after breaking up with my last real boyfriend.. and my feelings for the guy were quite new. and i'd never been anything but 100% honest all the time we'd been friends, so i came clean. and... he laughed at me! i couldn't believe it. then he explained - told me it was just that i was apparently "on the rebound". he said by tomorrow i'd've forgotten all about it. he also said.. he'd thought about me in that way before. but by "tomorrow" HE'D forgotten all about it. i guess he assumed he'd been right. he never mentioned it again. what did he mean he'd thought about it before? what'd put him off then? what happened?? why didn't he say anything? what did i do wrong? did he label me as a "friend", rubber-stamping it as permanent?? (guys can do that too!) i know he finds me attractive.. he's said so. but in a way that had about as much interest behind it as it does when my GIRLfriends say i look good. i may not be as confident as i lead people to believe, but i know i'm not ugly, and i have a life. and plenty of offers from other guys, but i never want relationships.. i'll see a guy once... twice maybe.. then never wanna hear from him again. or a cute guy'll ask for my number, and i'll give it to him, then ignore his calls or messages. it's weird. this guy.. he's younger than me. just a little. but he's.. well he's just great. i never clicked with anyone like i did with him. not any guys anyway. i've gotten as close to him as to any of my other friends. he's always there for me when i need him, he looks out for me.. he's reliable, sweet, loyal, trustworthy and funny and he'd do anything i asked of him and i'd do anything for him. ever since we first started being friends we've jokingly flirted with each other. never meant a thing. and it's lucky cos rather than having to supress my natural must-flirt instinct, there's hardly a change at all. except that i have very different thoughts in my head when he blows a kiss at me or picks me up or play-wrestles me than i used to.. i'm in limbo! the only way to kill a crush is to cut contact, right? but he's too good a friend to lose! i could tell him how i feel, but last time i was very very lucky not to completely destroy my most valuable friendship, and lightning doesn't strike twice - it won't happen that way again. it won't just be forgotten about! i'll lose him. either way. it kills me being so dishonest with him. i haven't been telling him much recently.. it's gotten too hard. because whenever i call him or meet up with him alone, he talks about his.. problem... you'll never guess what it is.. a persistent, all-consuming crush on ANOTHER female friend of his. the lovely sarah. ha! and, seeing as he's my best friend, i sit. i listen. i "mm" and "ah" and nod and sigh in all the right places.. i tell him i know EXACTLY how he feels.. advise him as best i can. i'm there for him like i've always been. and it's about as much fun as having needles pushed up under my toenails. so what do i do? continue living like i have for the past 6 months, being miserable and hoping it'll go away? go for it? again.. and hope at the very least that when he gets over sarah he might think about me..? or... ditch him? if anyone has any ideas, or has ever come out of a similar situation alive, i'd love to hear it..

yeah...? i realise that, but i don't see how it would be any different either way. and it sounds like it'd work just as well.

i know my opinion doesn't count for much, being very young, but your story really touched me and my heart goes out to you. it really does. i felt like i had to contribute something.. my father had a problem with alcohol and my family are still together now that it's over.. but it was never a serious problem, never an abusive one... i think the other posts are right and councilling is a good way to go. maybe you could talk to him about going too, or going by yourself may be better. as i think the focus here should be on helping yourself rather than working on a marriage you'll probably never be happy in. i know for AA they have other meetings for family members like you... i know they really helped me and my mom, and everyone i met there found it as a fantastic support... if NA has the same - i'm sure it does -then.. it might seem daunting, but it might help you if you could talk to others in your situation. it's not fair on you. i'm sure he has friends or a sponsor at his NA meetings and if he's still going then he will have some support even after you go, if you were to... but.. you deserve a life of your own. you can't put yours on hold for him and you can't go on living like you do now. he may not hit rock bottom..and he may be happy pretending things are fine but you won't ever be. you're kids would understand.. and would never wish this on you. and.. i don't know.. maybe he'll stay stable.. for them?

that should be "them" not "him" in the last line......

.... it's funny... all my life apart from one friend i have now, everyone's let me down. everyone. heh.. it's actually ridiculous. i'm very wary of new people because of it, but if anyone needed help i'd still be the first to volunteer, no matter who they were. understandably, i don't find it easy to trust people because of this.. but that doesn't mean i'd ditch them. i just wouldn't maybe go to them myself when I needed something... but... i don't know why it is and i can't justify it, but not everyone is a saint. hell, no one is. i guess one just has to accept that. at this stage i pretty much just.. automatically assume EVERYONE's unreliable! but i don't hold it against him. i don't claim to be any better.

i can relate. i could never understand how people could live with themselves when they put themselves first all the time. as a result i understood very few people. throwing yourself into helping others...again sounds a lot like myself. but let me tell you about my friend ashley. she lives her life from one tragedy, one terrible drama to another...she changes her friends so often she can hardly keep track, because she's the type of person people see themselves able to open up to, and also the type of person who will do anything to help a person. she'll put all her time into their problem, and it seems like she never gets a break cos another person needs her the minute she's finished. she is a mess now. she has no time for herself and just breaks down every once in a while out of pure exhaustion. it's not always good to want to help everyone. to want to be a hero. you can't help everyone. some people don't want help. helping others is its own reward.. and it is a fantastic thing to dedicate your life to, but not everyone wants to do that. different people want different things out of life. it'd be nice if everyone helped everyone else, but be realistic.. and give people a break. sometimes they just genuinely mightn't realise how the way they're acting affects others, and explaining it to them reasonably rather than letting your temper get the better of you might be a better idea. it's great that you're so caring and you want to put other people first... but i think sometimes you put your high ideals and values first, rather than other people. you've put them before the people you love. your family and your ex... your standards for them are very high. and yes they made mistakes. but that's because they're human. i think you'll find a lot of people are. sometimes even the best of people can get wrapped up in something or so overwhelmed by a situation that they'll do something they'll later regret, something they'd never dream of in normal circumstances. people aren't selfless all the time. people like that can be taken advantage of too easily. that's why i no longer live my life for other people 100%. the % is still up pretty close to the top, but i'm not ashamed to admit i put myself first when i think i need to.

up until a few years ago i was shy, introverted, antisocial, and my only friends were people exactly the same. i had NO confidence and couldn't even hold a conversation with my cousins without being sooo nervous and not being able to think of anything to say and just wanting to run for my life.... i got over it.. and it sounds ridiculous but i did it by faking it. i have confidence now. and it's mostly fake. i'm still just as scared meeting new people - but they don't know that. i'm still just as self conscious, i've still just as little self-esteem, but i act like i think i'm hot, i act like i'm gorgeous. i act like i'm fun and interesting and bubbly. for the last 3 or 4 years i've been working on it. improving, building up conversation starters, looking for things i have strong opinions on so i can talk freely and confidently about them... do that. write down topics and see how much you can say on each of them. random words, russia. modern art. a new movie. it takes work for it to start coming naturally to you, and you can't give up. but you can do it. fake it. walk into a room and pretend you're confident. smile. stand up straight. if you're introduced to someone, ask'm how they are, if they're having a good time, what they're doing. where they go to school, if they've seen *insert name of movie here* then tell them why it's so awful/great. why the director's an idiot/genious. why the lead actor's career is ruined/saved. i dunno, anything that pops into your head!! fake it all the way. all my confidence now just came from pretending so hard that i started believing it too. and it can work for you too pet. trust me. i read somewhere a long time ago that everyone has the same insecurities, everyone is just as scared, worries just as much. but the confident ones are the ones who are good at pretending they don't. i must admit, i thought it was bulls*** at first, but i was willing to try anything.. and i pushed myself as hard as i could, and i'm living proof it's true and it works.

i was in a situation like that...... it wasn't fun for either of us. my last relationship ended for VERY complicated reasons... but before we went out, we were very close friends. he decided that just because we weren't going out didn't mean we couldn't spend just as much time together as ever. i mean, we could still be just as close, but as friends now rather than lovers. eh. no. doesn't work that way. but i gave in and we tried it. don't do the same! it drove us both crazy and after a while we both pretty much hated each other. yet he still wouldn't give up - what we'd had originally neither of us really wanted to lose, but come on..the way he was going about it was destroying any chance of us being able to be in the same ROOM ever again, let alone considering each other friends! i eventually had to call for a "second break-up".. this time as friends. and had to cut contact completely for months before i could stand being around him again. now things are getting better - mostly because his new girlfriend takes up all his time, and i never meet up with him when she's not around. there was too much in the back of both our minds, too many things unsaid that couldn't be said, too many things that needed space from each other and time to work out. so... i think if you wanna stay friends with her, back off for a little while. and take it easy. the other posts are dead right - no contact. if she's the one who broke it off, she may be half regretting it, and unintentionally that means she's stringing you along. if YOU broke it off, then you definitely need a cooling-off period. you can't go straight into a parallel relationship without time to get used to the idea and learning to see each other differently. there'll be too much hanging over your heads and too much uncertainty. or do you want to get back together? a break's a good idea in that scenario too.. i mean, maybe it's not right? she's unsure and it couldn't hurt to step back, get your head straight and find a fresh perspective on the whole thing before you decide whether you really should... maybe the no contact whatsoever thing is a little harsh, but for a shot period of time it will help. if you don't think you want to go to such extremes, just try spend less and less and less time with her over the next few weeks. and maybe the meeting confusedashell suggested isn't too bad an idea, so long as you're using it to tell her straight up that you need a little space.

feeling needed is nice. but don't go for needy people intentionally. it's bad enough finding them by accident! you can feel like you have the upper hand, you can feel confident and secure... but needy people, with time, become more and more reliant on you. and eventually become clingy, and suffocating. anyway... i just joined this site today... i was looking for help and running out of places to go... so came online for the first time in AGES. i'm attempting to get over a crush... a friend, a BEST friend... but then i saw the title of this discussion and... it was too tempting. the original post was.... not very comforting. great advice, but wouldn't help the particular situation i'm in. maybe a little but... not a lot. the debate was interesting as hell though... but still... little help... i haven't been able to piece together any sort of plot to getting him.. i've liked him since... february i guess. and that's when i first told him! it was 2 weeks after breaking up with my last real boyfriend.. and my feelings for the guy were quite new. and i'd never been anything but 100% honest all the time we'd been friends, so i came clean. and... he laughed at me! i couldn't believe it. then he explained - told me it was just that i was apparently "on the rebound". he said by tomorrow i'd've forgotten all about it. he also said.. he'd thought about me in that way before. but by "tomorrow" HE'D forgotten all about it. i guess he assumed he'd been right. he never mentioned it again. what did he mean he'd thought about it before? what'd put him off then? what happened?? why didn't he say anything? what did i do wrong? did he label me as a "friend", rubber-stamping it as permanent?? (guys can do that too!) i know he finds me attractive.. he's said so. but in a way that had about as much interest behind it as it does when my GIRLfriends say i look good. i may not be as confident as i lead people to believe, but i know i'm not ugly, and i have a life. and plenty of offers from other guys, but i never want relationships.. i'll see a guy once... twice maybe.. then never wanna hear from him again. or a cute guy'll ask for my number, and i'll give it to him, then ignore his calls or messages. it's weird. this guy.. he's younger than me. just a little. but he's.. well he's just great. i never clicked with anyone like i did with him. not any guys anyway. i've gotten as close to him as to any of my other friends. he's always there for me when i need him, he looks out for me.. he's reliable, sweet, loyal, trustworthy and funny and he'd do anything i asked of him and i'd do anything for him. ever since we first started being friends we've jokingly flirted with each other. never meant a thing. and it's lucky cos rather than having to supress my natural must-flirt instinct, there's hardly a change at all. except that i have very different thoughts in my head when he blows a kiss at me or picks me up or play-wrestles me than i used to.. i'm in limbo! the only way to kill a crush is to cut contact, right? but he's too good a friend to lose! i could tell him how i feel, but last time i was very very lucky not to completely destroy my most valuable friendship, and lightning doesn't strike twice - it won't happen that way again. it won't just be forgotten about! i'll lose him. either way. it kills me being so dishonest with him. i haven't been telling him much recently.. it's gotten too hard. because whenever i call him or meet up with him alone, he talks about his.. problem... you'll never guess what it is.. a persistent, all-consuming crush on ANOTHER female friend of his. the lovely sarah. ha! and, seeing as he's my best friend, i sit. i listen. i "mm" and "ah" and nod and sigh in all the right places.. i tell him i know EXACTLY how he feels.. advise him as best i can. i'm there for him like i've always been. and it's about as much fun as having needles pushed up under my toenails. so what do i do? continue living like i have for the past 6 months, being miserable and hoping it'll go away? go for it? again.. and hope at the very least that when he gets over sarah he might think about me..? or... ditch him? if anyone has any ideas, or has ever come out of a similar situation alive, i'd love to hear it..

i never in my life found it easy to trust people. the very rare times when i try to "open up", when i bring myself to be honest with a person, it seems to blow up in my face and i just became more resigned than ever to keeping it to myself. there's nothing wrong with holding a little back. people say "aw my best friend and i know EVERYTHING about each other" bull! they'll never know EVERYTHING. and maybe it's better that way. there are some things that go on in the back of peoples' minds that should stay there. as for expressing what's going on inside.. i think that's just how you're made up. take me for example, in comparison to a friend of mine.. she can talk and talk and talk and talk, is never stuck for words. ya ask her how she is, she can transfer exactly what she's feeling and what's in her head into words effortlessly. she can talk for 20 minutes without a break. it just flows. i don't know how she does it. i can't. someone asks what's on my mind i cringe.. argh.. i don't know! a LOT. i get so tongue tied and eventually mumble something about just being "tired" and change the subject. it's mostly nerves at opening up again. because the results been equally bad every time i've tried, so it's scary. even now that i've friends i know i SHOULD trust, i can't. i can't get the thoughts into words. but what works for me is flow writing. it helps me get my head straight, (without confusing the crap outta someone else in the process) # and it helps get stuff off my chest. it's where you just start writing everything you think of. or typing? and just see what comes out. you've to try not to concentrate, just let yourself ramble pointlessly. sometimes i'll even write letters to people, but not send them. or if they're emails, send'm to myself. see how they look. getting a different perspective on your thoughts makes it easier to work'm out. when you're writing.. it all slows down. the million thoughts coming at ya at once seem to get into an orderly line.. it's easier to see what you're thinking, to see what you're feeling, maybe work out what's behind it. i used to freak out about it, like you're doing. it drove me crazy - nothing frustrated me more than when someone (my ex especially) would tell me something he'd never told anyone, talk for hours about it, then look at me for a response and all i could think to say was "oh." or something retarded. i'd often have something in my head - if i could've only said it! i WOULD've been able to relate, have had something similar in my life that i could've told him, advice that i could've offered, something. but i couldn't trust him! even though he blatantly trusted me. we were so close. we even survived a break up and remained (after a little two month break from each others company) best friends. but as close as we were, it was still a long time before i could talk to him. i was willing to try anything - so i started writing and the more i did it, the easier it became to talk. because i got better at slowing down, psyching myself up and just... talking. when i am "opening up", i can't meet the person's eye when i do, and wring my hands or pick something up and pass it from one hand to the other, but the point is i can do it.. i don't do it a lot, but when i need to, i can. that post you left was pretty open. seems like you really wanna change this about yourself. so try writing more. might sound gay, but try a diary? or write letters then scrap them the minute yer done. or post more on sites like these too. cos funnily enough, there's no one easier to open up to than a stranger on the net who you'll never have to worry about facing! i'm sure having her will make it way easier too - cos she seems like she'd be an easier person to talk to than most, y'know? hope i was some help.